Have counseling tomorrow and need some suggestions/thoughts
 

So I have counseling tomorrow. I posted in my other thread that my dh is an alcoholic and we are seperated after 12 years of marriage. We've been to 3 sessions together of marriage counseling. I've stated in counseling and also on the paperwork that our main issues are the addictions that he has and trust issues. Well, she is giving us stuff on communication and listening and we have worked some on that, but I feel that unless the addictions are dealt with it is all pointless. Well tomorrow, I have an appt. with her by myself. I'm going to state this again and ask her for suggestions or what she thinks would be helpful with this, or practical things I can do for myself. I feel like she isn't taking the addictions seriously because she doesn't back me up in counseling that the addictions need to be dealt with, because of course he is giving all the excuses in counseling too.

If she doesn't take me seriously tomorrow about the addictions, should I quit the counseling and find someone else? Should I continue?

I'm frustrated with the counseling and feel it is going no where.

From my personal experience, I would never go to another marriage counselor unless they had significant training in alcoholism. My AH went to several marriage counselors of his own choosing - thinking our problems had to do with other things such a me not being "nice" enough ... a classic case of denial and blaming from an alcoholic - something a trained addiction counselor would have seen right through. These counselors pressured me into participating - a big mistake. Both times my AH insisted he wasn't drinking, but I strongly suspected he was lying and secretly drinking that later proved to be true.

The sessions I reluctantly attended proved to be a complete waste of precious time and money ...and ended up probably doing more harm than good since these counselors were viewed as "experts" - so when they give bad advice it could be incorrectly viewed as accurate. The guidance they were giving us was totally off base and neither one could see through the lies and manipulation an experienced addiction counselor would have. One counselor was so clueless that she half believed my AH when he told her that I was imagining and overreacting to his "social" drinking because my father had been an alcoholic. She also told us that AA could train alcoholics to drink just 2 drinks...a complete falsehood. Her counseling proved to be dangerous and just validated what my AH wanted to hear. However, within weeks my AH fell apart, admitted he was drinking and had a problem, his secret stash of alcohol at home was found that he had kept for years ... plus bottles of vodka he had hidden at his office. Gee - my "imagination" must have put those bottles there. I also checked with several AA offices and found they had nothing except a total abstinence program and were quite angry with the poor counseling we had received. This counselor was defensive when she was finally proved wrong at all levels. Unfortunately - the damage was done and to this day I still resent her ill informed and dangerous advise.

I have heard before that a good relationship counselor will not take on a case where there is an active addiction. The theory being that the addicted person is not really present - the addiction is - and relationship counseling should only take place once a the addict has been sober and in recovery for at least 6 months. Individual counseling for addiction is a better option. It is very possible that after 6 months of healthy sobriety, the need for marriage counseling may no longer be needed.

My therapist who is a professor at a major university would concur with the above.

Not all therapists are created equal.

I'd find a new one.

Your husband has to want to address that issue, it's up to him to seek help for that not a marriage counselor to do. It sounds like the marriage counselor is working on marriage type issues, communication is a big one. But if you thought that going to marriage counseling was going to force him to address something he continues to refuse to do and has said he won't then ya maybe it is pointless.

I think you need to ask yourself what your real motive behind marriage counseling is. Because with him actively drinking it sounds like there will always be trust issues. But no one but no one is going to force him to stop until he decides that for himself.

My experience was similar to EnoughisEnough's - but I have to say that it proved helpful to me, it made it crystal clear to me that there was no moving forward in my marriage and gave me the kick in the butt I needed to finally make an informed decision.

Very good advice, thank you so much! Wow, I'm so glad I have found this group.

Ok, my next question is he will go ballistic if I tell him I am quitting marriage counseling and probably want a divorce. Should I just tell him, or should I go to the counseling tomorrow and then tell him? What should I tell him about it. I'm not totally ready financially for divorce and want to get a couple of things situated. Any thoughts.

I agree with this and everything else Enough posted. Her experience was mine as well. What helped me was Alanon, individual counseling for me, reading here at this site, plus reading other books about addiction, codependency, and emotional abuse.

Well no doubt about it either way you do it the outcome is going to be the same right?

You mentioned your counseling session tomorrow is just for you so why not go and bounce your ideas off the therapist. Express the fact that until he chooses to address the real under lying issue working on communication or anything else is pointless right now.

And who says you have to tell him anything right now, plan your exit wisely. Give yourself the time you need to be more prepared financially. You mentioned that you are separated right, so stay separated until YOU are ready.

I do not feel qualified at all to give you advice on that question but I can share my ESH (experience, strength, and hope). You will read about the 3 C's on this site. They are you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. I know and accept now that I cannot control the AH. I tried in lots of ways for many years to control him and actually thought it was my duty to do so in order to keep him safe and our marriage on the right track. That, for me, was a futile effort and until I became aware of that I was stuck. I learned through counseling, Alanon, and here that my duty was to take care of myself. I relaized I had lost me in the 20 years of exposure to his alcohol addiction I subjected myself to. I also realized I did for him what he could have and should have been doing for himself and that I also had the problem of "people pleasing" gone completely out of control. I wanted to make him happy regardless and I was manipulated up one side and down the other because of this. I had a lot to learn about addiction and about how I too became sick...anyway that was what happened to me.

One thing I did before deciding to proceed with a divorce was to visit with a lawyer. That relieved fears and answered many questions. I also was in counseling at that time as well to help me learn what it was I wanted for my life and the life of my kids.