jehnifer

All we can ever really do is work on ourselves. I probably do need to complain less about him. I think I put "my true feelings" out here on the forum because it feels so safe. And cuz i am too much of a chicken to say it to him directly. That's something i need to work on - to share how I am truly feeling. I am also going to make another counseling appt.

You are ALL sooooo wonderful.

Still Waters

You know what I appreciate the most about you Ago? You pay attention. You actually read and take in what we're all saying, and you take the time to think about your replies so they speak directly to our issues. Many of us haven't had the people who claim to love us pay attention in a long time....and it's like....a warm spring breeze and a good warm hug all at once.

Thank you for that.

justsad

I cant imagine what it would be like to have a "partner" ...sounds too good to be true

ItsmeAlice

I have an ABF who will help bring in the groceries. He makes sure to carry all the heaviest items and smiles when he finds something in the bags for him and makes sure to thank me for shopping, which he knows I dislike doing.

Then....

When he drinks, he's mean, and slams the cupboards and grumbles that I don't shop often enough. He tells me I should spend less money on "my food" (the low-calorie stuff) and spend money on food for those who "earn it". His job is more labor intensive and mine is behind a computer screen.

He is a man, that's true. He could be a woman, a dog, a cat, or a goat. It's the alcohol that changes him from considerate to rude.

Feel free to bash on beer. I won't take offense. Spare the snark, spoil the DOC.

**

I think you are poking at the truth when you say it's your expectations doing the dirty work. He's not a psychic is he? Not proffessionally anyway? How is he or anyone else to know you want help. How does he know that you didn't just bring home a couple of bags of feminine items that would make him uncomfortable to put them away for you. If you want something from him, tell him. Tell him nicely, is that so hard? If he refuses and tells you where you can put those groceries for real, THEN I agree he deserves a big raspberry for his rudeness.

Hang in there.

Alice

Ago

Take a long hard look at that statement

what does it say to yourself about who you are?

who you have become?

How you feel about yourself on a cellular level?

What exactly is "too good to be true"?

I am here to say, it's not "to good to be true" it's more "what you really deserve"

Get healthy, work on yourself, become who you want to be in a relationship with, and that person will appear, since we invariably attract "our mirror" on some level

I gave it some thought awhile back

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...good-true.html

silkspin

There is a lot of opinion and good things to think about in this thread. Jehnifer, I see your point and feel a lot like you at times. My A is sober 6 months, although taking the 'light' version of recovery if there is such a thing (meaning he hasn't thrown himself into it but he is progressing a bit). I feel like I have trouble finding the line between my expectations and what should be 'normal healthy' behaviour. He has always been very 'dutiful' and helps around the house, groceries etc. Lots of times I have to ask but mostly he's good with that stuff. But he used to throw it in my face alot too. He used to tell me that I'm so unappreciative of all the good that he does, and focus on the negative. I would tell him that I'd rather the house and groceries go undone if he'd drink responsibly - I'd trade all of it, because he never thought his weekend binges should overshadow all the other positives, and frankly, couldn't understand.

Yesterday was a good example of where I struggle. A is a computer geek, works all day with them and then comes home and does the same. He woke up, spent 2 min with our daughter then I went upstairs with her to play. He could have joined us (he doesn't get a lot of time during the week with her) but instead went to the computer. Then, I went to shower later, and he turned on the tv for her and went back to the computer. So do I expect too much because I'm so much more engaged with her? Am I wrong to expect more of him as a dad? Or do I just focus on the negative because I do see him make efforts other times? Hard questions to answer. I didn't say anything because I felt I needed to work through my feelings and whether it was my desire to control his interaction with his daughter, but he did sense a bad vibe from me.

He goes to AA and we go to an AA/Al Anon couples meeting once a week. That meeting helps me see how other couples cope. But my sister, who hasn't married an A, has similar issues with her husband. Sometimes, it could also just be a guy thing. Many non A's I know are just as oblivious to household stuff like that. I have to decide to just go about my business and I'll be a lot happier and more at peace. And if he does get up and help, then it's a bonus.