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Another phone call...

Old 06-21-2009, 06:31 AM
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Another phone call...

Ok, so I took another phone call......I am the kind of person who does all they can do, until I feel that I have done enough and then that is that.

He called me last night, slurring his words.. it actually sounded like he had a stroke or something, that is how drunk he was.

He said he was calling to tell me that he don't want any more contact with me, that I hurt him too much with my words and he can't process any more hurt from me. That because of me he doesn't have anything and he just wants to die. I guess he was waiting for me reaction to be one of rage or accusations, but I didn't do it. I said ok, I am ok with that and I am sure God will put someone in my life who is good for me. On that note he said, you have to stop being so controlling, so possessive (mind you, he hasn't been in my life nearly a year) and I said, thank you for pointing that out to me I will take that advice with me through my life and not be that way with someone else. He then went into a crying fit, and said, NO.. not someone else, I want you to not do that to ME. I want to be with you and be happy. I said, but you just said you wanted no contact with me so I am good with this and now I can get on with my life. Thank you for telling me so I can move on without any guilt (threw it back in his lap) He said, I love you so much, my life has been miserable without you and you have gotten stronger and have been living your life. Then said he wanted me to wait for him and to pray on it before I moved on..

YES.. it was a crazy roller coaster of a ride with that conversation. He was all over the place, from not wanting contact to begging me to wait for him, to telling me to find someone else. At one point he said I kicked him out for a year now and haven't made the effort to bring him back home.. (WHAT!! he walked out that door I begged him, at the time, to NOT leave me). When he hung up he said, I just want to leave you with this: I love you, you can be a wonderful woman, I want to spend the rest of my life with you but you need serious medications for your mental instability, I wrote my will up and put a letter in it for you and told my parents to contact you when I die..

I had told him previous that I was starting Ministry school in the fall (a year program while I am waiting for my son to graduate high school, and then it is off to Law School for me) he wanted to know where it was at, and I told him that I would rather not say. He said if I was a good Christian, and if I loved God that I would tell him so he knew where he could find me if he needed to. I said, there is no point to finding me. He started crying and said there was no point in anything any more, he has nothing left.

He is simply nuts. I did cry towards the end of the conversation as it is painful to hear him so far gone. I know he is just trying to break me down, I can see it. He hates the fact that I am so strong, while he is so weak.

His manipulation was at it's finest last night. I am so happy with myself that I kept my cool and didn't go off on him. I have finally learnt self control. Now, to give him what he wants and never answer that phone again. There really is no point, now or ever to speak to him again. It is just dragging me down to some extent.

I got off the phone, and I was crying. My oldest son (23) said, now what did he say this time? He said, come here Mom and he hugged me tight and said, listen he is miserable and just wants you to be down like he is. He knows you are strong as nails and hates that you are making your own life and he is living with his Mom because he can't get out of his own way.

All through the night I said to myself, if he wanted to stop contact, then why call me? Why go through all of that, when I know that at times when he is angry at his father he wont speak to him for months on end, why then call me with this. I know why, he was trying his hardest to break me down, I guess he doesn't know me at all. The more someone pushes to break me down, the stronger I get. It is like FUEL for me.
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Old 06-21-2009, 06:35 AM
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My advice is to go no contact. You have already done enough. (((HUGS)))
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Old 06-21-2009, 06:43 AM
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Thanks suki, you are right.. no contact is what is needed. It is beyond time. I kinda felt a bit of a weight lifted, although I know he didn't mean it when he said he didn't want to talk any more (as he also added he is still wearing the commitment ring I gave him 3 years ago) it is for the best to just free fall out of this. I have been 'trapped' on this mountain for a long time, I found the path out.
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Old 06-21-2009, 06:52 AM
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I love this part...

I just want to leave you with this: I love you, you can be a wonderful woman, I want to spend the rest of my life with you but you need serious medications for your mental instability, I wrote my will up and put a letter in it for you and told my parents to contact you when I die..

I hate you....don't leave me! He doesn't know what he wants, but he wants to make sure you are miserable too. Everything is your fault.

Where's that duck (quack) emote? LOL
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Old 06-21-2009, 07:21 AM
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You are right, he's pretty pitiful. My X was like that. The phone would ring late at night, and it would be him. Loaded and full of pity - yet blaming me for his situation. I finally concluded it was not just the alcohol, he was emotionally weak. No inner strength, which of course gave the alcohol free-reign.

Good for you for staying the course. Next time, don't answer the phone. It's the only way.
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Old 06-21-2009, 12:03 PM
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No more answering the phone!. This was the third time he called in the last week, all different manipulation tactics. This don't include blocked number hang up's, he doesn't understand that NO ONE calls my house at 11:30pm, and if they did the # would be on the caller ID. That has happened 3 times this week. I answered it the first time, because I was half asleep but when the person listened to my voice and then hung up, I knew it was him. No one else knows my number, except close family and friends. He is totally pissed because I wont text him, or email him because the message he left on my home phone (the first call of the week) was for me to please call him, text him, email him... and I didn't (he is a creature of habit, so I know his weaknesses and one is not knowing what I am doing)

He is quacking.. big time. I wont let him make me miserable, I need to keep strong and.. do it for me!! I would like to roll up in a big ball and cry like a schoolgirl, and I did do my share of crying last night, but it didn't last long. Today my resolve is stronger.
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Old 06-21-2009, 12:23 PM
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You can do it Freebird!!!!!! I know it is hard. One thing that helped me was a list I made of all the dramatic events. It was years worth of journaling... like a diary. If I ever find myself needing incentive, I pull it out of the bookcase and read a few pages!

Now, if I could just put this into a book that I could market, I'd make a fortune! We all have such similar stories, don't we?
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Old 06-21-2009, 06:44 PM
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Trying2survive, we sure have a lot in common. The funny thing is, he text me today, after HE calls NO CONTACT.. just to let me know he is praying for me to be rid of my evil ways. I burst out laughing and didn't respond, I am the least evil person I know. CRAZY is a mild word to use in this situation. (Or shall I say INSANITY!)
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Old 06-21-2009, 07:26 PM
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wow...

I couldn't figure out how do the quote thing.....but the part about your "mental instability"....do you know how much I've heard that from my AH lately......sadly while I know i am not mental instable...he almost makes me believe it! Hang in there!
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Old 06-21-2009, 08:14 PM
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mentallyexh, yeah they have a knack for making us think we are the nut cases, and we start to doubt ourselves. That is the whole trick of the game, to get us where they want us and try to keep us there with these insane tactics. I am not saying I am perfect, but I am not mentally ill like he says, my goodness he says I have a split personality, suffer from PTSD (which I do, and now moreso because of him) and a whole slew of things. I say, yes Dr, when did you get your degree. :rotfxko

Thanks for your support. I will stay strong. I guess his call was the straw that broke this womans back.
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Old 06-21-2009, 10:45 PM
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OH yes it was monumental when xAH sent me to the psychiatrist... like.. ok ok ok, I need to get a mirror for myself... but DUH you need yours, too! Its so true that everything you tell another other is just what you think of yourself.... lately I have seen many examples...

Once, ex AH said I was a coward

A few months later he said I was brave

Like my last job, I was on tech support attending 7-8 calls a day. Some were angry customers that hated you and told you you were a mysery to the company, then you solved quickly the next call and the customer loved you and told you you were the best engineer ever!!!!!!



UGH is all I can say.

I can imagine how difficult letting that call go is, yet you are doing it... you are an inspiration, FreeBird!! Way to go.

I hope this man finds an answer soon, he really sounds troubled.
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Old 06-22-2009, 05:38 AM
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TakingCharge, he is really troubled!!. I figured that whatever mental instability he says I have, is him diagnosing himself. Actually he was going to counseling and when his dr told him he was Bi-polar, and had BPD he quit going. (words from his own mouth)

I can't believe he text me after that phone call!. I guess he didn't get the reaction he wanted and tried a different method. Ah well, try as he might I have had enough and am looking forward to my future. It is good to get it all out on here. Helps me not second guess my position.

Thank you for your vote of confidence. I appreciate it.
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Old 06-22-2009, 06:18 AM
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I always wonder after the drunken phone calls and/or texts do they even remember? Do they wake up the next day and look at their phone and go "oh crap!"?

My exah calls me controlling and in need of therapy. Drives me crazy. Yeah, I need therapy because of the trainwreck you have made of my life.

He is miserable...he sees you going on and can't stand it. He is trying to pull you back into the pit.

I wonder how I can see other situations so clearly yet my own is so complicated even though its roughly the same thing? Thanks for the eye opener!
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Old 06-22-2009, 01:09 PM
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Startingover, it is always easier to look outward then look inward. I do it all the time. I say, my goodness why don't he/she leave that person. Why do they do that? why this, and then when it is in my own life I can't see ANYTHING that is necessary to move on.

I guess we wear then rose colored glasses, and although they get knocked off time and time again, we just adjust them until they lay shattered on the ground and we didn't see it coming. Sad. We all tend to have big hearts (from what I see) and we are all or nothing types of people.

I see him trying to pull me back into the mess, but I can't let that happen. My prayers are for his sobriety, and unless he can give me that, there is nothing I want from him.... and MAYBE even that wont change my direction at this point.
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