A little advice?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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A little advice?
I work with my ex and I recently posted that he told all of his friends that I slept when him when I didn't. Well, I've been too ashamed to post since then because he apologized for it, told all of the people he lied to that he lied and we have since been friends. I didn't want to post this here because I have never been more ashamed of myself for forgiving something so unforgiveable. You want to drink yourself to death? Okay. Start fights where you attack every Achilles heel of mine you can think of? Fine. But spreading lies about me? Unforgiveable. I forgave him.
Well we've been hanging out and watching sports together. I have been very clear with him that we are never getting back together and are just going to be friends. I'm now realizing that deep down I wanted to know that he wanted me back. Even though I had no plans of getting back with him. Well, he tried to kiss me one night while we were hanging out watching baseball. I turned him down flat and he was not happy about that. I told him that I felt like he was using me as his 'kiss hoe' until he found another girlfriend and that I was better than that. The word 'use' really set him off, probably because it's so deeply rooted in the truth. Fighting ensused, names were called, it was just like old times. I know all of his moves so well right now I was finishing his sentences in my head before he'd even thought to say them!
We fought the whole way back to my house but I still wasn't crying because I was used to all of this. Then he went home, got drunk and sent me a txt that I was actually NOT expecting. The most vile, horrific, disgusting things anyone I've ever met has said to me. Cliffnotes: I'm so ****** up, I'm living the wrong way, I don't love my friends, don't care about my family, should just quit my job because "no one likes me anyway". Every soft spot I have, he hit in that text. I cried myself to sleep. We are not even together and I'm still crying myself to sleep!
So he told me never to speak to him again and I'm FINE with that. I come into work every day and I completely ignore him. He hasn't called me since the night he told me never to speak to him, again, which is the first healthy thing he's done in our entire relationship. I haven't called him, either. The only time we interact is in the halls at work, and even then I don't even look him in the eye. I can't.
Well today I was in the kitchen talking to a friend of mine who I've been hanging out with lately. We were joking and laughing every time we ran into each other and during one of our exchanges my xabf came up behind him, red faced and SCREAMED, "Why are you talking to her?! Don't talk to her, she's crazy." Looks at me, "Get out of the kitchen!"
I just walked out of the kitchen halfway thorough is tantrum pretending like I didn't hear without saying a word and later tonight I asked some people and apparently he has been bad mouthing me all over the restaurant. Telling all of my work friends not to talk to me because I'm 'crazy'. This really pisses me off. I love my job and when he sent me the horrible text I was very clear with him that I was not quitting for his sorry ass.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to quit my job. Guess I just had to rant. It's kind of killing me that I didn't stand up for myself in the kitchen, but at that moment I realized that no response was the best response. For my job and my sanity. He is the worst mistake I have ever made.
Well we've been hanging out and watching sports together. I have been very clear with him that we are never getting back together and are just going to be friends. I'm now realizing that deep down I wanted to know that he wanted me back. Even though I had no plans of getting back with him. Well, he tried to kiss me one night while we were hanging out watching baseball. I turned him down flat and he was not happy about that. I told him that I felt like he was using me as his 'kiss hoe' until he found another girlfriend and that I was better than that. The word 'use' really set him off, probably because it's so deeply rooted in the truth. Fighting ensused, names were called, it was just like old times. I know all of his moves so well right now I was finishing his sentences in my head before he'd even thought to say them!
We fought the whole way back to my house but I still wasn't crying because I was used to all of this. Then he went home, got drunk and sent me a txt that I was actually NOT expecting. The most vile, horrific, disgusting things anyone I've ever met has said to me. Cliffnotes: I'm so ****** up, I'm living the wrong way, I don't love my friends, don't care about my family, should just quit my job because "no one likes me anyway". Every soft spot I have, he hit in that text. I cried myself to sleep. We are not even together and I'm still crying myself to sleep!
So he told me never to speak to him again and I'm FINE with that. I come into work every day and I completely ignore him. He hasn't called me since the night he told me never to speak to him, again, which is the first healthy thing he's done in our entire relationship. I haven't called him, either. The only time we interact is in the halls at work, and even then I don't even look him in the eye. I can't.
Well today I was in the kitchen talking to a friend of mine who I've been hanging out with lately. We were joking and laughing every time we ran into each other and during one of our exchanges my xabf came up behind him, red faced and SCREAMED, "Why are you talking to her?! Don't talk to her, she's crazy." Looks at me, "Get out of the kitchen!"
I just walked out of the kitchen halfway thorough is tantrum pretending like I didn't hear without saying a word and later tonight I asked some people and apparently he has been bad mouthing me all over the restaurant. Telling all of my work friends not to talk to me because I'm 'crazy'. This really pisses me off. I love my job and when he sent me the horrible text I was very clear with him that I was not quitting for his sorry ass.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to quit my job. Guess I just had to rant. It's kind of killing me that I didn't stand up for myself in the kitchen, but at that moment I realized that no response was the best response. For my job and my sanity. He is the worst mistake I have ever made.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's tough to have to be around someone you used to date. It's another reason why I don't date those with whom I work.
From the sound of things, something is going to happen. One of you will either leave or be asked to leave. This kind of thing can't be allowed to go on for long. It's bad for business.
From the sound of things, something is going to happen. One of you will either leave or be asked to leave. This kind of thing can't be allowed to go on for long. It's bad for business.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I don't see how you people who have to work with someone who has used and abused you do it.
I saw my X for a couple of hours yesterday (accidentally) and it triggered so many feelings of hurt mixed with longing mixed with anger mixed with insecurity and doubt.
I know you don't *want* to quit your job, but what would you advise a friend to do? A loved one?
It's hard to move forward when you are stuck.
I saw my X for a couple of hours yesterday (accidentally) and it triggered so many feelings of hurt mixed with longing mixed with anger mixed with insecurity and doubt.
I know you don't *want* to quit your job, but what would you advise a friend to do? A loved one?
It's hard to move forward when you are stuck.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I am very sorry you have to work with him and are going through this.
I always go back to look for "my part" kind of a failing of mine, since one of my favorite sayings is
People hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that we made a decision based on self that placed ourself in a position to be hurt.
Well we've been hanging out and watching sports together. I have been very clear with him that we are never getting back together and are just going to be friends. I'm now realizing that deep down I wanted to know that he wanted me back. Even though I had no plans of getting back with him. I wonder if he was getting mixed messages.
I find when I play in the Tiger Cage I get bitten every time and I'm always surprised. I especially find that when I "tease" the Tiger, ie am not clear with myself or the Tiger about my motives, the bite he takes out of my @ss is a big one.
just a thought, I am sorry that you are going through this.
I always go back to look for "my part" kind of a failing of mine, since one of my favorite sayings is
People hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that we made a decision based on self that placed ourself in a position to be hurt.
Well we've been hanging out and watching sports together. I have been very clear with him that we are never getting back together and are just going to be friends. I'm now realizing that deep down I wanted to know that he wanted me back. Even though I had no plans of getting back with him.
I find when I play in the Tiger Cage I get bitten every time and I'm always surprised. I especially find that when I "tease" the Tiger, ie am not clear with myself or the Tiger about my motives, the bite he takes out of my @ss is a big one.
just a thought, I am sorry that you are going through this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
This is the first time he's ever screamed at me when there were witnesses around, and a lot of them. It is truly a miracle that I didn't respond and I think it says something for my health (or what little bit I have left) that I didn't. I didn't even look at him, I said goodbye to my friend and walked out of the kitchen in the middle of xabf's rant. Ah progression, on both ends!
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
Keep your cool Crazy - might be that they'll ask him to leave if he can't control his actions.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi C4H!
Coworkers would get in the middle, or be put in the middle with rumors, etc.
Remember you are choosing to stay in your job and you CAN leave any minute if you wish.
If you are deciding to stay, you need to stay professional.
There are a lot of rumors still, and comments about ex and me.. and while with some of these people I do not take offense at all (some situations are really funny), when it comes to working, you just NEED to take the high road...
I had to interact with ex these days and well I was SUPERKIND to him.. especially as there were other people involved on emails, etc... I just imagined he was some other coworker, and treated him as I always treat customers or coworkers: kindly, to the point, trying to be helpful and be a team player. That's all. He is just a coworker now.
If HE throws tantrums, spreads rumors, whatever, its HIM that is showing everybody who he is and if management knows they will take steps, scold him, fire him.. but remember you are a lady, do not play his game, remember you work to pay rent, food, clothes, etc. and its important to keep it... that is what my dad told me when I was going to throw the towel: first of all you need to put FOOD in your table... that is and will always be Priority #1
Easier said than done of course... but now that I am doing my job better, getting some recognition, I am grateful I did not bash him with all people around me and more or less I left unscathed job-wise (at least I am still hired!)
Also, I have found, people are just "triggers" if you are angry, hurt, sad.. you can vent with us, journal, look for the root of all this... afterwards he won't have the same impact on you and one day you will be totally indifferent, if he ends up in a crazy ward, if he changes from one minute to the other and marries the love of his life, if he apologizes dearly, if he keeps badmouthing you until the end of time... NONE OF THAT WILL MATTER
oh I so long for that day to come for me too!! But "time" won't do it.. you have to do it yourself with inner work.
Good luck. Remember to BREATHE!
Coworkers would get in the middle, or be put in the middle with rumors, etc.
Remember you are choosing to stay in your job and you CAN leave any minute if you wish.
If you are deciding to stay, you need to stay professional.
There are a lot of rumors still, and comments about ex and me.. and while with some of these people I do not take offense at all (some situations are really funny), when it comes to working, you just NEED to take the high road...
I had to interact with ex these days and well I was SUPERKIND to him.. especially as there were other people involved on emails, etc... I just imagined he was some other coworker, and treated him as I always treat customers or coworkers: kindly, to the point, trying to be helpful and be a team player. That's all. He is just a coworker now.
If HE throws tantrums, spreads rumors, whatever, its HIM that is showing everybody who he is and if management knows they will take steps, scold him, fire him.. but remember you are a lady, do not play his game, remember you work to pay rent, food, clothes, etc. and its important to keep it... that is what my dad told me when I was going to throw the towel: first of all you need to put FOOD in your table... that is and will always be Priority #1
Easier said than done of course... but now that I am doing my job better, getting some recognition, I am grateful I did not bash him with all people around me and more or less I left unscathed job-wise (at least I am still hired!)
Also, I have found, people are just "triggers" if you are angry, hurt, sad.. you can vent with us, journal, look for the root of all this... afterwards he won't have the same impact on you and one day you will be totally indifferent, if he ends up in a crazy ward, if he changes from one minute to the other and marries the love of his life, if he apologizes dearly, if he keeps badmouthing you until the end of time... NONE OF THAT WILL MATTER
oh I so long for that day to come for me too!! But "time" won't do it.. you have to do it yourself with inner work.Good luck. Remember to BREATHE!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
I did a pretty good job of avoiding him at work, stayed out of the kitchen and had busers go get my supplies for me throughout the night, but that wont last for the most It was a HUGE inconvience and caused a lot of setbacks in my station, but I don't want to be around him. But he kept coming to MY area to fill up his soda while glaring at/completely ignoring me when there are FOUR other areas he could go to. The other girl who works in my station asked me, if he wants you away from him so badly, why does he keep coming to our side station all the time?
He's still trashing me to everyone and telling men not to talk to me. It really hurts me, I've protected him for so long. I have every horrible text, email, voice message, EVERYTHING at my disposal, I could destroy his reputation with the things I have. Everyone thinks he's such a prince. I want to expose him so badly, but I don't want to have hate in my heart.
I was about to quit my job, then managment moved me to a place where I don't have to see him at all unless I need something from somewhere else which is a releif. Plus, I need the money and am terrified to quit my job in an economy like this.
Ugh. I'm gonna do my best to go to the gym today. I need to let off some steam.
He's still trashing me to everyone and telling men not to talk to me. It really hurts me, I've protected him for so long. I have every horrible text, email, voice message, EVERYTHING at my disposal, I could destroy his reputation with the things I have. Everyone thinks he's such a prince. I want to expose him so badly, but I don't want to have hate in my heart.
I was about to quit my job, then managment moved me to a place where I don't have to see him at all unless I need something from somewhere else which is a releif. Plus, I need the money and am terrified to quit my job in an economy like this.
Ugh. I'm gonna do my best to go to the gym today. I need to let off some steam.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
One day at a time. One minute at a time. One hour at a time...
You do not have to "show" or demonstrate anything, other people can make their own conclusions. It sucks though, its like you are the only one who knows the truth... I know the feeling. But try and reflect on the fact you are choosing something better and be glad there are others at work that can keep an eye on you... you are protected now.
I am planning on lots of exercise too!! Free endorphins never hurt anyone.
You do not have to "show" or demonstrate anything, other people can make their own conclusions. It sucks though, its like you are the only one who knows the truth... I know the feeling. But try and reflect on the fact you are choosing something better and be glad there are others at work that can keep an eye on you... you are protected now.
I am planning on lots of exercise too!! Free endorphins never hurt anyone.
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Originally Posted by Crazy4Him
I was about to quit my job, then managment moved me to a place where I don't have to see him at all unless I need something from somewhere else which is a releif. Plus, I need the money and am terrified to quit my job in an economy like this.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
Why doesn't he just leave me alone? I'm so depressed and I've never felt this way in my life. I went to the gym and exercised for a two hours but I cried all the way home. It's like it was all for nothing, nothing is making this go away. I'm so scared. I try to stay away from him at work but he keeps coming into my station! Like it's okay for him to come to my area (when he has other alternatives) but it's not okay for me to be in the kitchen (where I HAVE to be to do my JOB)?
I'm not talking to him, I deleted his number from my phone, I'm giving him exactly what he asked for which is hard enough. Why doesn't he just leave me the hell alone?
I'm not talking to him, I deleted his number from my phone, I'm giving him exactly what he asked for which is hard enough. Why doesn't he just leave me the hell alone?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Crazy,
Oh do I remember the same feeling.. and sometimes I still have it.
He was parading the new enabler while I had to be professional and work even when he was joking, etc with his friends next to me. I did not go to his area anytime to laugh because I thought he may not be so happy and did not want to affect him. He has not hesitated at all to introduce new enabler to everybody and when I introduce my new guy to someone who knows XAbf I feel anxious and like a traitor. WTF.
It was a slow and painful process, but I realized he was going to keep doing it: not caring at ALL about my feelings!!
The fact it affects you a lot if he comes close is just a reminder for you to work on your emotions... if you work on yourself, release all your feelings... one day you will stop caring at all. But that won't happen by magic, you have to make it happen.
Right now its all very fresh, so please be gentle with yourself, are you going to therapy?
I have learned tons there and fast forward 9 months, he still laughs, I still run into him/them, the events are the same - but I no longer go to the bathroom to cry, I no longer get home to cry, and I feel much stronger. I am ceasing to make him my personal God.
Another route to take would be - if he comes to your station, go to the bathroom, leave or if you can wear an iPod, turn all the volume on and try to ignore him...
Now when axBF is there and it bugs me, I leave my place if I can. Talk to other coworkers in diff areas. Take the stairs. Go out and make a phone call. Go to the bathroom even if its just to watch myself in the mirror...
It seems unsurmountable but if I could do it, you too...
Oh do I remember the same feeling.. and sometimes I still have it.
He was parading the new enabler while I had to be professional and work even when he was joking, etc with his friends next to me. I did not go to his area anytime to laugh because I thought he may not be so happy and did not want to affect him. He has not hesitated at all to introduce new enabler to everybody and when I introduce my new guy to someone who knows XAbf I feel anxious and like a traitor. WTF.
It was a slow and painful process, but I realized he was going to keep doing it: not caring at ALL about my feelings!!
The fact it affects you a lot if he comes close is just a reminder for you to work on your emotions... if you work on yourself, release all your feelings... one day you will stop caring at all. But that won't happen by magic, you have to make it happen.
Right now its all very fresh, so please be gentle with yourself, are you going to therapy?
I have learned tons there and fast forward 9 months, he still laughs, I still run into him/them, the events are the same - but I no longer go to the bathroom to cry, I no longer get home to cry, and I feel much stronger. I am ceasing to make him my personal God.
Another route to take would be - if he comes to your station, go to the bathroom, leave or if you can wear an iPod, turn all the volume on and try to ignore him...
Now when axBF is there and it bugs me, I leave my place if I can. Talk to other coworkers in diff areas. Take the stairs. Go out and make a phone call. Go to the bathroom even if its just to watch myself in the mirror...
It seems unsurmountable but if I could do it, you too...
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Hi Crazy,
I'm using humour to help me deal with my STBXAH - it works for me!
Something Taking Charge said in a different thread about her XABF - when she doesn't see him she thinks of him as dead so that when he appears she thinks 'diseased zombie'! This has helped me deal with some of the BS my STBXAH has started on - he's just after my brains like any other zombie would be but with his disease he prefers them scrambled thank you! It helps me to remember this so I can take a step back and detach - get some perspective. Eventually, once I get the hang of it, he won't get to me any more! And Resident Evil has gained a fresh perspective for me in the meantime!
I'm using humour to help me deal with my STBXAH - it works for me!
Something Taking Charge said in a different thread about her XABF - when she doesn't see him she thinks of him as dead so that when he appears she thinks 'diseased zombie'! This has helped me deal with some of the BS my STBXAH has started on - he's just after my brains like any other zombie would be but with his disease he prefers them scrambled thank you! It helps me to remember this so I can take a step back and detach - get some perspective. Eventually, once I get the hang of it, he won't get to me any more! And Resident Evil has gained a fresh perspective for me in the meantime!
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