Ugh.Ugh.Ugh.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
Ugh.Ugh.Ugh.
I have had a couple of really good days with little anxiety, feeling optimistic, getting out, making new friends.
Yesterday I took the kids to our pool. We go nearly every day.
Guess who was there?
It's is infuriating to me. This is an inexpensive private club. I was the one who told the XABF about it two years ago, and he joined.
I really, truly didn't think he would go there this year. Last year they only went a couple of times.
I had planned to meet two friends there, brought snacks and drinks. When I arrived, he was sitting at a table right next to them. I couldn't go over there. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to make any kind of connection.
So I end up sitting across the pool, by myself, with all of my stuff--in an uncomfortable place (no umbrella, it was HOT).
He ended up coming over and saying hello. Then he said "well, I just wanted to say hello, I won't sit here if you don't want to chat."
I said okay, and he went back to his original place.
It ruined my day. I can't avoid this pool. This is what me and my kids DO during the summer. I paid for it. It's "mine." He could go anywhere.
He is a creep.
Yesterday I took the kids to our pool. We go nearly every day.
Guess who was there?
It's is infuriating to me. This is an inexpensive private club. I was the one who told the XABF about it two years ago, and he joined.
I really, truly didn't think he would go there this year. Last year they only went a couple of times.
I had planned to meet two friends there, brought snacks and drinks. When I arrived, he was sitting at a table right next to them. I couldn't go over there. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to make any kind of connection.
So I end up sitting across the pool, by myself, with all of my stuff--in an uncomfortable place (no umbrella, it was HOT).
He ended up coming over and saying hello. Then he said "well, I just wanted to say hello, I won't sit here if you don't want to chat."
I said okay, and he went back to his original place.
It ruined my day. I can't avoid this pool. This is what me and my kids DO during the summer. I paid for it. It's "mine." He could go anywhere.
He is a creep.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Originally Posted by nowwhat 
It ruined my day. I can't avoid this pool. This is what me and my kids DO during the summer. I paid for it. It's "mine." He could go anywhere.
He is a creep.
I guess you have 2 choices and either one isn't easy....1. Don't go to the pool. 2. Put a smile on your face, a cute suit on, find some great friends that won't sit by him, grab a book or an ipod, and go and show him you don't care if he is there.
For me, option 1 is much easier and probably what I would want to do, but I am really trying to exercise my independence so I would strive for number 2.
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
My friends didn't realize they were sitting by him (one is a new friend and has never met him, the other had only met him a couple of times). They couldn't move because every spot was taken, small pool and very busy yesterday.
Not going to the pool is just not an option, in my mind. My kids love this place, it's what we have always done, it's paid for (and I'm not rich, unlike the X). He could literally do ANYTHING he wants to, money is no object for him).
My friend overheard him talking on the phone, asking the mother of his son's friends if they could stay longer. WTF?
One might think he wanted to see me, but I think there's a different, more plausible scenario:
He really doesn't have any empathy for my feelings, even though he must know that I'm upset (we just slept together three weeks ago and I just went No Contact with him two weeks ago and I told him I was reading his email one week ago, so he knows that I know he is *in love* with someone else).
He really isn't bothered by my presence, because his feelings for me have evaporated, if there ever really were any feelings.
He wants to prove to me and himself that he has totally moved on.
He is a CREEP and selfish and inconsiderate.
To make matters worse, my children were absolutely thrilled to see him. They glommed all over him, asked me if we could go to his house afterwards, asked if we could have a sleepover with his son. This was our activity for the last six months or so. They absolutely don't understand what's going on.
His son is less emotional and friendly than my kids. Three weeks ago (night of my psycho date/hookup with him) XABF told me he (his kid) was upset about not seeing my kids anymore, but he didn't think he was upset about not seeing ME (he liked me but wasn't attached).
He didn't seem to have any compassion for what MY kids might be feeling (he was much more involved with them than I was with his child). My children have suffered much more loss than his (dad moved out of town when we divorced and doesn't have much contact).
I was lying in bed ruminating and realizing that this is just more proof of his shallow emotions, lack of empathy, and self-serving, self-righteous behavior. He thinks that since I don't have any RIGHTS to him, he has no RESPONSIBILITY toward me (or my children).
I know I'm not supposed to try to mind read or focus on him but this just really set me back. I know what his parenting schedule is, loosely, so I guess I could try to guess when they might go swimming and avoid the pool. But I don't want to do that! This is my pool, it's where I'm making new friends, it's healthy for my kids and me.
I did get up this morning, pray like crazy, clean the house, water my new garden, and tell myself I will be okay.
(And I do have a really cute new swimsuit, lol. I'm sure he was lusting over me, since that seems to be all I really meant to him. I guess I can laugh at how uncomfortable THAT must have been for him).
More forward momentum. Sorry for the novel, processing, processing, processing.
Tired of processing!
Not going to the pool is just not an option, in my mind. My kids love this place, it's what we have always done, it's paid for (and I'm not rich, unlike the X). He could literally do ANYTHING he wants to, money is no object for him).
My friend overheard him talking on the phone, asking the mother of his son's friends if they could stay longer. WTF?
One might think he wanted to see me, but I think there's a different, more plausible scenario:
He really doesn't have any empathy for my feelings, even though he must know that I'm upset (we just slept together three weeks ago and I just went No Contact with him two weeks ago and I told him I was reading his email one week ago, so he knows that I know he is *in love* with someone else).
He really isn't bothered by my presence, because his feelings for me have evaporated, if there ever really were any feelings.
He wants to prove to me and himself that he has totally moved on.
He is a CREEP and selfish and inconsiderate.
To make matters worse, my children were absolutely thrilled to see him. They glommed all over him, asked me if we could go to his house afterwards, asked if we could have a sleepover with his son. This was our activity for the last six months or so. They absolutely don't understand what's going on.
His son is less emotional and friendly than my kids. Three weeks ago (night of my psycho date/hookup with him) XABF told me he (his kid) was upset about not seeing my kids anymore, but he didn't think he was upset about not seeing ME (he liked me but wasn't attached).
He didn't seem to have any compassion for what MY kids might be feeling (he was much more involved with them than I was with his child). My children have suffered much more loss than his (dad moved out of town when we divorced and doesn't have much contact).
I was lying in bed ruminating and realizing that this is just more proof of his shallow emotions, lack of empathy, and self-serving, self-righteous behavior. He thinks that since I don't have any RIGHTS to him, he has no RESPONSIBILITY toward me (or my children).
I know I'm not supposed to try to mind read or focus on him but this just really set me back. I know what his parenting schedule is, loosely, so I guess I could try to guess when they might go swimming and avoid the pool. But I don't want to do that! This is my pool, it's where I'm making new friends, it's healthy for my kids and me.
I did get up this morning, pray like crazy, clean the house, water my new garden, and tell myself I will be okay.
(And I do have a really cute new swimsuit, lol. I'm sure he was lusting over me, since that seems to be all I really meant to him. I guess I can laugh at how uncomfortable THAT must have been for him).
More forward momentum. Sorry for the novel, processing, processing, processing.
Tired of processing!
Last edited by nowwhat; 06-21-2009 at 06:41 AM.
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Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
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I was the one who told the XABF about it two years ago, and he joined.
I am sorry you had to bump into him.
He may be a creep, I mean that's why you broke up with him right?
But I had to learn, they aren't doing it "to me" they are just doing it.
I had to learn once I shared something with someone else, it wasn't "mine" any more, and there were some things similar to this that happened to me, where in order to move on, I had to give up.
I know it's "not fair', but 'fair/not fair' has no place in making decisions for my mental health, you know?
I am sorry you ran into him, I know how crappy that is, it's like getting kicked in the gut, especially when it's at someplace that was "yours" that you introduced him to, but laying awake all night ruminating about his "motives" and "what he is up to" and "what he is thinking" is the ultimate in futility.
For me, breaking up with someone was giving myself permission to stop obsessing about them. It's part of breaking up, the good part actually.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
But I had to learn, they aren't doing it "to me" they are just doing it.
It is so deeply, primitively painful to realize that there was no there there, for him. Kind of annihilates my reality of the last two years.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
And you know, I am just not going to be able to give up the pool. It were just me, I could, but it's my kids' favorite place. We don't have anywhere else to swim, I can't afford another membership and the public pools are a totally different scene, not appropriate for my kids at their ages. All of our friends go to this pool, I have been making good new connections there (female, mothers, and I have been so isolated and lonely).
I guess I'm going to have to really buck up. I know he won't be there during the week, or every other weekend. On the other days, maybe I will be able to rent a really good-looking guy to accompany me.
I guess I'm going to have to really buck up. I know he won't be there during the week, or every other weekend. On the other days, maybe I will be able to rent a really good-looking guy to accompany me.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Do the fake it till you make it motto.
Believe me: your hookup a few weeks ago to you reading his emails is a HUGE ego lift for him. He may have moved on but knowing you are still sorta right there makes him feel even better. Very sick and sad.
You sound good today. You didn't do anything wrong. Keep going to the pool and strut your new independent self!
Believe me: your hookup a few weeks ago to you reading his emails is a HUGE ego lift for him. He may have moved on but knowing you are still sorta right there makes him feel even better. Very sick and sad.
You sound good today. You didn't do anything wrong. Keep going to the pool and strut your new independent self!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Don't give him the satisfaction of running you off from something you and your children enjoy. This may take some real guts on your part, but I think you can do it! (((HUGS)))
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi nowwhat! ohh I relate so much with you. I know how you feel (((nowwhat)))
If you are friends with these other women... would it be possible to ask one of them to watch your kids one of those pool days? Meanwhile you can go do something nice for you, look for the prettiest flower, read a book on the park..? So the kids can enjoy the pool and you can enjoy your time without the stress of running into him.
I agree he should not affect your decisions but for me, I have felt so vulnerable that I am willing to change my plans or do anything just to avoid xAh until I feel stronger and I truly don't care anymore if xAH appears or not. Even if it means taking the stairs 8 floors and not the elevator, LOL. Or walking to the office instead of taking the car (now that I see it he is helping me keep fit lol)
Remember xAH is just xAH, and he can be ANYBODY.. he is just a trigger for you to be aware of YOUR feelings.. perhaps there are things you still need to work on regarding forgiveness, past hurts? when have you felt that way before? time for the hard inner work.
I have realized the more I accept and release my feelings, the less power xAH or anyone has over me... I have ran into xAH plus new enabler so many times now.. sometimes I truly engange and feel the same hurt as usual, but sometimes I just see them from afar.. and think... "whatever I saw in him? good luck to both AHs, they will need it" and go on with my day.
And its no longer the story "I believed in him and he left me and really loves this one and I am the loser" its more "THANK GOD my only interaction is at work where he HAS to behave, I was able to run away from this agressive, active AH in denial, what he does now will be the usual MODUS OPERANDI of an AH which I have nothing to do now and I'm truly a blessed, lucky gal"
Let's keep up that inner work so whatever they do or do not, our serenity and peace are well guarded. It sucks, all those moments and triggers SUCK but you need to do something about them, so you can move on and heal faster
its empowering when you do something FOR YOU regardless of who triggered those emotions... so you are not the victim of someone's will and fishy actions, but Nowwhat Agent 777 under Specialized Training to learn from the past and never to suffer again like you have.
PS When xAH is not around I imagine he is dead. And when I run into him I think "beware... cursed zombiE!! OUT OF THE WAY!!"
If you are friends with these other women... would it be possible to ask one of them to watch your kids one of those pool days? Meanwhile you can go do something nice for you, look for the prettiest flower, read a book on the park..? So the kids can enjoy the pool and you can enjoy your time without the stress of running into him.
I agree he should not affect your decisions but for me, I have felt so vulnerable that I am willing to change my plans or do anything just to avoid xAh until I feel stronger and I truly don't care anymore if xAH appears or not. Even if it means taking the stairs 8 floors and not the elevator, LOL. Or walking to the office instead of taking the car (now that I see it he is helping me keep fit lol)
Remember xAH is just xAH, and he can be ANYBODY.. he is just a trigger for you to be aware of YOUR feelings.. perhaps there are things you still need to work on regarding forgiveness, past hurts? when have you felt that way before? time for the hard inner work.
I have realized the more I accept and release my feelings, the less power xAH or anyone has over me... I have ran into xAH plus new enabler so many times now.. sometimes I truly engange and feel the same hurt as usual, but sometimes I just see them from afar.. and think... "whatever I saw in him? good luck to both AHs, they will need it" and go on with my day.
And its no longer the story "I believed in him and he left me and really loves this one and I am the loser" its more "THANK GOD my only interaction is at work where he HAS to behave, I was able to run away from this agressive, active AH in denial, what he does now will be the usual MODUS OPERANDI of an AH which I have nothing to do now and I'm truly a blessed, lucky gal"
Let's keep up that inner work so whatever they do or do not, our serenity and peace are well guarded. It sucks, all those moments and triggers SUCK but you need to do something about them, so you can move on and heal faster
its empowering when you do something FOR YOU regardless of who triggered those emotions... so you are not the victim of someone's will and fishy actions, but Nowwhat Agent 777 under Specialized Training to learn from the past and never to suffer again like you have. PS When xAH is not around I imagine he is dead. And when I run into him I think "beware... cursed zombiE!! OUT OF THE WAY!!"
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 06-21-2009 at 12:35 PM.
Curled up in a good book...
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
PS When xAH is not around I imagine he is dead. And when I run into him I think "beware... cursed zombiE!! OUT OF THE WAY!!"
disappear 
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Well, we went to the pool yesterday. Met my sister, her baby, and a friend. Had a good time with no intrusions into my plans--yay! I was anxiety ridden a good part of the day, but nothing happened, so that's good.
On a side note: my sister told my mother and father about the day before. As I would expect, my mother's response was to be irritated with me for being upset about this. She told my sister--well, I imagine C will want to continue with his life, and take his child swimming.
She didn't say this to me (good) but it still stings. She knows about our weird history. She knows that LAST year and the year before, when C and I were in a serious relationship, he avoided the pool like the plague if he knew we were there. Didn't want to *confuse* his son by letting him know he had a GF and sometimes saw my kids when his wasn't around.
Also, the other day my mother said to me: you have seemed so walled off for the last couple of years. Like you haven't wanted to talk to me about your feelings.
I told her it seemed to me like when I DO tell her what is going on, she is irritated by me and thinks I'm obsessing and overreacting.
A little later, we are talking and it's feeling good. I tell her that I am immersing myself in self-help books, and that I'm beginning to understand that C's issues are pretty deep and that I think he's toxic and narcissistic.
Her response (in an impatient voice): Okay. So you've GOT IT. Time to quit thinking about it and move on.
I responded well, I think. In a different time, I would have become very upset, defensive, hurt. This time I said: Well, I need to understand this. I need to do this my way, and this is my way. It may take me a long time, but I'm determined to work through this in a thoughtful, reflective way--so that I can MAKE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN.
Whew.
On a side note: my sister told my mother and father about the day before. As I would expect, my mother's response was to be irritated with me for being upset about this. She told my sister--well, I imagine C will want to continue with his life, and take his child swimming.
She didn't say this to me (good) but it still stings. She knows about our weird history. She knows that LAST year and the year before, when C and I were in a serious relationship, he avoided the pool like the plague if he knew we were there. Didn't want to *confuse* his son by letting him know he had a GF and sometimes saw my kids when his wasn't around.
Also, the other day my mother said to me: you have seemed so walled off for the last couple of years. Like you haven't wanted to talk to me about your feelings.
I told her it seemed to me like when I DO tell her what is going on, she is irritated by me and thinks I'm obsessing and overreacting.
A little later, we are talking and it's feeling good. I tell her that I am immersing myself in self-help books, and that I'm beginning to understand that C's issues are pretty deep and that I think he's toxic and narcissistic.
Her response (in an impatient voice): Okay. So you've GOT IT. Time to quit thinking about it and move on.
I responded well, I think. In a different time, I would have become very upset, defensive, hurt. This time I said: Well, I need to understand this. I need to do this my way, and this is my way. It may take me a long time, but I'm determined to work through this in a thoughtful, reflective way--so that I can MAKE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN.
Whew.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Well , nowwhat we have the same mother
I started "talking" to my mother in the manner you describe a couple of years ago. It has taken a long time but she has really responded to my new way of communicating.
In general when I was able to step back, take a breath and express my thoughts concisely to her with out being hurt or defensive it set ME free.
In the past I would just "stuff" what I needed to say to her because the conversations were too painful and her criticism still stung as if I was a small child.
For me that work (the family of origin work) is more important than some of the exabf "work".
I'm glad you took the time to express yourself and say what you needed to!
I started "talking" to my mother in the manner you describe a couple of years ago. It has taken a long time but she has really responded to my new way of communicating.
In general when I was able to step back, take a breath and express my thoughts concisely to her with out being hurt or defensive it set ME free.
In the past I would just "stuff" what I needed to say to her because the conversations were too painful and her criticism still stung as if I was a small child.
For me that work (the family of origin work) is more important than some of the exabf "work".
I'm glad you took the time to express yourself and say what you needed to!
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by nowwhat
Is yours also a therapist? Mine is. How ironic is that?
I feel for you ....
edited to add: I don't want you to take the above in a "mean" way, just in a "humorous" "shaking my head with you" way ...
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