AH Still sober and working program
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 64
AH Still sober and working program
Well my AH has been sober for 37 days, and going strong it seems. I'm starting to see some changes in him for the better. He's been not as quick to anger, when he does get upset he lets it out and lets it go (and not getting upset about silly non-issue stuff), he's not been as judgmental, seems to be a little more understanding of my point of view and respecting my boundaries more, and just generally nicer. He's got tons of energy and looks great, even younger. He goes to a therapist, and attends AA meetings at least six days a week and says he's in it for life. He's working on step 4 now, and told me that he thinks he will be working on this one for a while, it's a tough one. He enjoys the meetings and is making lots of friends there.
We're still separated, but if he continues on this path I think I can see the day that I will let him come back. Even my son agrees. My dilema is that I'm so afraid that when he comes back he will fall back into his old patterns. He says he doesn't ever want to go back to that and that he knows if he does he will be dead within a year. I want to believe him and he seems sincere, not just in his words but his actions as well. At first I felt like he was pressuring me to take him back right away and hanging out here all the time, but I've been honest with him about how I feel, and he told me he gave it a lot of thought, discussed with his therapist and some of his fellow AAers and realized that he needs to back off, give me time and prove himself, which he is doing. The funny thing is this is what I've been wanting for so long, and now it scares the hell out of me! I just don't want to be let down again. I know I just need time to heal and he needs to continue proving himself with actions, not words.
My question is to those of you who have stuck it out and are happy now, how long did it take before you were able to trust again? I know it's a personal thing, but would appreciate hearing about marriages that did survive and are now happy. Thanks!
We're still separated, but if he continues on this path I think I can see the day that I will let him come back. Even my son agrees. My dilema is that I'm so afraid that when he comes back he will fall back into his old patterns. He says he doesn't ever want to go back to that and that he knows if he does he will be dead within a year. I want to believe him and he seems sincere, not just in his words but his actions as well. At first I felt like he was pressuring me to take him back right away and hanging out here all the time, but I've been honest with him about how I feel, and he told me he gave it a lot of thought, discussed with his therapist and some of his fellow AAers and realized that he needs to back off, give me time and prove himself, which he is doing. The funny thing is this is what I've been wanting for so long, and now it scares the hell out of me! I just don't want to be let down again. I know I just need time to heal and he needs to continue proving himself with actions, not words.
My question is to those of you who have stuck it out and are happy now, how long did it take before you were able to trust again? I know it's a personal thing, but would appreciate hearing about marriages that did survive and are now happy. Thanks!
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 22
I'd love to hear some success stories too. My AH has been sober 24 days, starting the 3rd week of IOP, going to 3 meetings a week in addition to IOP.
I know it's a struggle for him. I know the odds of relapse are great. I know we're not out of the woods by a long shot. I wanted to freak out yesterday when we took him to a steakhouse for Father's Day and he mentioned getting a beer. I calmly (see? no freaking out?) told him it was his decision, but I thought it was playing with fire. (He ended up ordering sweet tea). But even with my realistic view of how hard this battle is for him, I really do want our family to remain intact. And even he knows our family will NOT remain intact if he goes back to the bottle.
I would just love to think that there is a chance for a happy ending.
I know it's a struggle for him. I know the odds of relapse are great. I know we're not out of the woods by a long shot. I wanted to freak out yesterday when we took him to a steakhouse for Father's Day and he mentioned getting a beer. I calmly (see? no freaking out?) told him it was his decision, but I thought it was playing with fire. (He ended up ordering sweet tea). But even with my realistic view of how hard this battle is for him, I really do want our family to remain intact. And even he knows our family will NOT remain intact if he goes back to the bottle.
I would just love to think that there is a chance for a happy ending.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Funny thing, I almost posted asking if there even WERE any marriages that stayed intact during/through/after recovery. It seems like we have a few women that are RA's that still have marriages intact, but I don't see many women married to RA's. I would love to see you two be the first I read about, albeit, I have only been on here a short time.
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
I read this the other day and didn't have time to respond.
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years, together for almost 12. Alcohol was a fairly constant presence in our life. Last year we both started realizing that it might be a problem for him. He was realizing it faster than I was, I was in such deep denial that when he said "I might be an alcoholic" I tried to convince him he wasn't. So he tried to control it, only drink beer and wine, and that seemed to be OK for the most part.....and then January 19 happened. He got completely bombed, is lucky he didn't get in an accident and kill someone, and managed to send some entirely inappropriate and heartbreaking e-mails to some female friends and one of my cousins. January 20 was his first day sober.
My husband does not attend AA, does not work a program really......he was here at SR for a bit, but has stopped that even. As doom and gloom as that sounds, he's actually doing really really well. He's accepted that he probably won't ever be able to drink again. There is still a part of him that hopes to one day be able to have the occasional beer, and he does miss it on occasion, but for now he accepts that he can't drink.
I don't know how we got this lucky. When I look back at the downward spiral we had been in for years, how he got more and more childlike, less and less responsible, how I became more and more of a mother figure (and boy did I resent that!).....and especially when I read the stories here, I'm astonished and humbled at the miracle that happened to us in January.
On January 20 I told him he had to get his **** together. I'd been trying for 11 years to help him be happy, and obviously I couldn't help, so he needed to figure his **** out, because I would not tolerate this anymore. He didn't binge often, 1-3 times a year, but I was done dealing with it. That act of putting it back in his lap, in addition to the undeniable evidence of what he had done in his "Sent Messages" folder, finally woke him up.
We are unbelievably blessed in all of this and I do recognize that. Our story is about as far from typical as you can get. But it is our story. I go to alanon now (not nearly as often as I should tho, I gotta get back to that), we are able to talk openly about all of it (previously when he was trying to control or abstain we couldn't talk about it as that would just make him think about it and crave more), and we are both healing and learning to live in this new world. It's been 156 days since his last drink, and we are both much much happier for it.
I understand we are still early in this whole process, but I'm optimistic that we will make it.
My husband and I have been married almost 10 years, together for almost 12. Alcohol was a fairly constant presence in our life. Last year we both started realizing that it might be a problem for him. He was realizing it faster than I was, I was in such deep denial that when he said "I might be an alcoholic" I tried to convince him he wasn't. So he tried to control it, only drink beer and wine, and that seemed to be OK for the most part.....and then January 19 happened. He got completely bombed, is lucky he didn't get in an accident and kill someone, and managed to send some entirely inappropriate and heartbreaking e-mails to some female friends and one of my cousins. January 20 was his first day sober.
My husband does not attend AA, does not work a program really......he was here at SR for a bit, but has stopped that even. As doom and gloom as that sounds, he's actually doing really really well. He's accepted that he probably won't ever be able to drink again. There is still a part of him that hopes to one day be able to have the occasional beer, and he does miss it on occasion, but for now he accepts that he can't drink.
I don't know how we got this lucky. When I look back at the downward spiral we had been in for years, how he got more and more childlike, less and less responsible, how I became more and more of a mother figure (and boy did I resent that!).....and especially when I read the stories here, I'm astonished and humbled at the miracle that happened to us in January.
On January 20 I told him he had to get his **** together. I'd been trying for 11 years to help him be happy, and obviously I couldn't help, so he needed to figure his **** out, because I would not tolerate this anymore. He didn't binge often, 1-3 times a year, but I was done dealing with it. That act of putting it back in his lap, in addition to the undeniable evidence of what he had done in his "Sent Messages" folder, finally woke him up.
We are unbelievably blessed in all of this and I do recognize that. Our story is about as far from typical as you can get. But it is our story. I go to alanon now (not nearly as often as I should tho, I gotta get back to that), we are able to talk openly about all of it (previously when he was trying to control or abstain we couldn't talk about it as that would just make him think about it and crave more), and we are both healing and learning to live in this new world. It's been 156 days since his last drink, and we are both much much happier for it.
I understand we are still early in this whole process, but I'm optimistic that we will make it.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by FunnyOne 
Funny thing, I almost posted asking if there even WERE any marriages that stayed intact during/through/after recovery. It seems like we have a few women that are RA's that still have marriages intact, but I don't see many women married to RA's. I would love to see you two be the first I read about, albeit, I have only been on here a short time.
This is from observing many years of a large fellowship in AA.
It's also my observation that some relationships remain "sick" while others "get healthy"
I had one one sponsor that was like this AA "God" or "Guru" so I started going to his house once a week for our "meeting" and a sicker marriage and batch of kids I've never seen in my life, I mean everyone in the house was a mess.
He was a certified therapist etc.
My experience also was our biggest difficulties occurred as my self esteem returned. The Codie/Alchy dynamic is a pretty bad one all told.
Truthfully, I looked around the "rooms" for a number of years for a "relationship sponsor" and nobody seemed to "have what I wanted", their relationships looked purty and shiny but as I got closer and observed more I would find things I didn't want for myself in my relationship.
That's one of the times I went to a therapist, it seems I didn't know how to do "relationships" and no one I found "had what I wanted" I went to learn from a professional.
The funny thing is as I learned these things I actually found myself in a healthy relationship, and I started sharing about what I was learning in meetings and after the meeting I was getting mobbed by men that "wanted what I had" many with many more years of sobriety then I had.
I got a TON of sponsees, most of whom had many many more years of sobriety then I did. It turns out many people in AA and their sig others had been searching for the same things I had, so I would go to therapy and then have weekly meetings with sponsees passing on what I had learned.
Since relationships "take more alcoholics out" then just about anything else, it was VERY "sobriety related".
Now if I can just back to applying all of these things in my own relationship(s) I might be alright.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I believe many alcohol counselors suggest a year of sobriety under their belt before a partner should consider trusting.
I know with my AH after treatment, he could go for a long time (once several years) without relapsing. Unfortunately for him, that was about the extent of it. He'd start to slack off on his meetings, or miss counseling appts, then I'd notice other trends return. My AH was a bottle-hider, never drank in front of me, and after the second inpatient program, I stopped fussing about it and got on with my own needs. So, I really didn't know IF he was using or not... but I had my suspicions. After the second treatment failure, I lost all trust in him and never was able to regain it.
Each person is different. Sobriety for my XAH has a snowball's chance in hell.
Regardless, trust takes a long time to come back.
I know with my AH after treatment, he could go for a long time (once several years) without relapsing. Unfortunately for him, that was about the extent of it. He'd start to slack off on his meetings, or miss counseling appts, then I'd notice other trends return. My AH was a bottle-hider, never drank in front of me, and after the second inpatient program, I stopped fussing about it and got on with my own needs. So, I really didn't know IF he was using or not... but I had my suspicions. After the second treatment failure, I lost all trust in him and never was able to regain it.
Each person is different. Sobriety for my XAH has a snowball's chance in hell.
Regardless, trust takes a long time to come back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 64
Thank you all for responses. I do realize that everyone is different and there are no guarantees. On the one hand I want to trust, but I am too scared right now and need more time. This is a problem for AH because he is impatient and feels that he's never going to drink again and I should believe him. Another problem seems to be that while he was too drunk to participate in life in the last few years I have built a life of my own. I've made some great friendships and have done things for myself that I am not willing to give up. He's not asking me to, but I think he's a bit resentful of the time I spend with my friends doing things that don't include him.
I am just trying to take it one day at a time and feel that when the time is right I will just know. On days like the day I started this thread I feel that it's going great and it's all going to work out. Some days I think no way, and other days I just honestly don't know. I guess I'm still on that roller coaster.
jaguar, I will pray for your AH's continued success and happiness for you!
Ago, would you be my sponsor? LOL
Trying2survive - my AH is a bottle-hider too. It was sooo frustrating when I KNEW he was drinking but he would deny it! I know that if he relapses I will definitely NOT take him back.
Thank you all again!
I am just trying to take it one day at a time and feel that when the time is right I will just know. On days like the day I started this thread I feel that it's going great and it's all going to work out. Some days I think no way, and other days I just honestly don't know. I guess I'm still on that roller coaster.
jaguar, I will pray for your AH's continued success and happiness for you!
Ago, would you be my sponsor? LOL
Trying2survive - my AH is a bottle-hider too. It was sooo frustrating when I KNEW he was drinking but he would deny it! I know that if he relapses I will definitely NOT take him back.
Thank you all again!
Getting better every day!
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Clinton Twp, MI
Posts: 118
Thank you want2bfreenow, I appreciate it.
I hope your husband finds patience. There was one night last fall when my husband got a bit drunk and it bothered me.....I had always told him that I didn't like the guy he was when he was drunk, he got annoying and obnoxious and just wasn't someone I wanted to be around. So this night last fall I again expressed that feeling, and he was upset about it. Why can't he just have a few drinks and have a good time, why do I have to get all pissy about it, why can't I just let him have his good time without getting stressed about it. What helped that night was for me to explain that all I had to go on was past experience. All of my past experience said not to trust where this was going, because it could end up in a very bad place. Trusting him was all fine and good in theory, but history had taught me that I couldn't trust this situation, and he just needed to accept that for what it was.
Just this last week I had kind of a breakdown. Last week was a bad week for us, for my husband especially....Saturday night he got hurt being an extra in a movie, Monday he got in a minor fender bender in my car, Tuesday we went to urgent care because the pain from Saturday night's injury wasn't getting any better (he's fine, just bruised his ribs), and then on Wednesday the sink drain got clogged up bad enough that we eventually had to call a plumber. So just a crappy week....add to it that my husband is a neat freak, I had a Tupperware party scheduled for Friday evening, and because he was hurt he couldn't do all the cleaning he wanted to do to get the house spic and span before Friday, and I had one stressed out hubby.
I flipped out......intellectually I knew he wasn't going to drink, I'd seen no signs that he was even having the slightest urge, there was no reason for me to freak out. Except that he hadn't had a series of bad days like this since he quit, so I had no history to show me how he would react. When the first couple things happened I remember thinking "Thank goodness I don't have to worry about coming home to find him drunk after all this." By Wednesday tho part of my brain was convinced that there was a binge coming. When I flipped out and cried and told him why I was flipping out, he was a bit hurt. Part of him felt my fear showed that I didn't trust him. He was hurt that after more than 5 months I was still scared that he might drink. Intellectually I knew he wasn't going to drink, but the panic part of my brain wasn't so sure. Now that we've been through a bad week without him drinking it'll be easier next time because I'll have some history to look back on.
Your husband needs to understand that you've heard "I won't drink anymore" before and had to pick up the pieces when it turned out not to be true. He needs to have patience and understand that the years of pain and betrayal don't get erased with promises, they are healed with time and evidence that you can feel safe trusting him again.
I hope your husband finds patience. There was one night last fall when my husband got a bit drunk and it bothered me.....I had always told him that I didn't like the guy he was when he was drunk, he got annoying and obnoxious and just wasn't someone I wanted to be around. So this night last fall I again expressed that feeling, and he was upset about it. Why can't he just have a few drinks and have a good time, why do I have to get all pissy about it, why can't I just let him have his good time without getting stressed about it. What helped that night was for me to explain that all I had to go on was past experience. All of my past experience said not to trust where this was going, because it could end up in a very bad place. Trusting him was all fine and good in theory, but history had taught me that I couldn't trust this situation, and he just needed to accept that for what it was.
Just this last week I had kind of a breakdown. Last week was a bad week for us, for my husband especially....Saturday night he got hurt being an extra in a movie, Monday he got in a minor fender bender in my car, Tuesday we went to urgent care because the pain from Saturday night's injury wasn't getting any better (he's fine, just bruised his ribs), and then on Wednesday the sink drain got clogged up bad enough that we eventually had to call a plumber. So just a crappy week....add to it that my husband is a neat freak, I had a Tupperware party scheduled for Friday evening, and because he was hurt he couldn't do all the cleaning he wanted to do to get the house spic and span before Friday, and I had one stressed out hubby.
I flipped out......intellectually I knew he wasn't going to drink, I'd seen no signs that he was even having the slightest urge, there was no reason for me to freak out. Except that he hadn't had a series of bad days like this since he quit, so I had no history to show me how he would react. When the first couple things happened I remember thinking "Thank goodness I don't have to worry about coming home to find him drunk after all this." By Wednesday tho part of my brain was convinced that there was a binge coming. When I flipped out and cried and told him why I was flipping out, he was a bit hurt. Part of him felt my fear showed that I didn't trust him. He was hurt that after more than 5 months I was still scared that he might drink. Intellectually I knew he wasn't going to drink, but the panic part of my brain wasn't so sure. Now that we've been through a bad week without him drinking it'll be easier next time because I'll have some history to look back on.
Your husband needs to understand that you've heard "I won't drink anymore" before and had to pick up the pieces when it turned out not to be true. He needs to have patience and understand that the years of pain and betrayal don't get erased with promises, they are healed with time and evidence that you can feel safe trusting him again.
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