catlady61

:praying.....I keep praying for another day......and God keep bringing them.....which is a good thing.

I find myself crying everyday, I think I am crazy sometimes because I am crying for the past, the present and the future...... how can this be? Well I miss the past more than anything, I miss my kids needing me 24/7 and I miss my ABF who at the time was so loving, of course he still had whatever issues he has now in his head but I never knew about them.........its been 14 1/2 years and taken me this long to see the real man for who he is and or was......he does not admit that his problems of many many years can be traced straight to alcohol and the need to be needed, he seems to be pointing out only that "he has learned" (going to DUI related counseling) that he has to think of himself and take care of himself and love himself.

Here is the question I have to ask anyone who can relate. What does this mean ............he said this to me yesterday............."I am not sure if I want to recommitt to this relationship and take on the responsibilities of having a relationship with you" First of all he lives here and we share the finances...... he has not stopped that responsibility, he will do anything I ask of him like going to the store, etc.... So I assume he is speaking of sexually. He is giving me the impression that had I not moved out of our bedroom 2 years ago (because he came in drunk everynight/morning) that things would not be this way.
He also made the statement that although I have always said I don't ask for much (which I never have) that I do.......I ask are you serious? All I have ever wanted was to be loved and have a peaceful life with him......was that asking for too much? I never tried to push the realtionship to move forward toward marriage or anything....Jeez that bugged me because in most realtionships 14 1/2 years is a long da*m time and still not engaged or anything ............I feel like he is grasping for excuses to exclude himself, I asked if he is set on this because he has already started a sexual relationship elsewhere (ie: girl he met) he said no he has not done that.
So, am I reading into all this ? Its only been 2 weeks that we have had open dialog....... I dont know if he is faking his counseling or not....he still has a beer far and few. I seriously think that the counseling may be causing him more damage than good......... sorry to say that because I know that we have to face our fears and move forward but looks like this man was better able to live life without digging up his skeletons and rehashing them again and again......... this is the second time since I met him that he has done this............ and he talks more freely now so apparently he has done this time & time again before he met me, and each time he ended up losing his loved ones, his jobs and his apartments because HE RAN AWAY .......he would just start over. He can't tell anyone anything and I am not sure why...... I know he is not being truthful at those meetings, so is he being truthful to himself, or just trying to run again.........this really hurts to watch.


I pray from him along with praying for myself because I really miss him. God bless anyone in this situation and the ones we love!

LaTeeDa

Are you seeing a counselor for yourself? It did me worlds of good.

L

isurvived

It is kind and thoughtful of you to pray for him.

I will say that my belief and faith was instrumental in getting me this far, in fact it was essential. Without it (faith) I wouldn't have made it.

He appears to be "on the fence" as evident from his behavior and his sporadic alcohol use (which is also termed controlled drinking) —and you certainly have been "straddling the fence" for 14+ years, right?

IMO, he sounds like a lot of work. Question is: is it worth it to you?

Still Waters

What was was, what is is, and what will be will be.

Sounds to me like you are living in the was rather than the is. Maybe it's time for some will be.

What do you foresee your future as catlady? Waiting and waiting for him to bring you happiness? Waiting for him to change in ways that you think he needs to, to make you happy?

He is who he is.

What are you doing today, for you?

catlady61

Thank you all, Yes, I have asked my Dr. to refer me to a counselor so I only have to make an appointment to get started.
What I get out of this relationship now is that he is still financially responsible and we have a roof over our head & we are paying the bills (we have always been paycheck to paycheck) (sad but true for many of us) and my reason for staying is because I love him.

I agree he seems to be on the fence and I am straddling it....... not a good feeling.......your right he has become "work" but I do feel he is worth it, I guess only time will tell ...how much time until I can't do this anymore I don't know and thats an honest answer.

What I foresee as a future is pretty much focused on my sons and my grandchild thats on the way. For me personally I only have the hope of being content. I am not even imagining trying to go out & meet other men (if he leaves) but I have also not ruled it out.

So, today I have shared with my SR friends my heart felt feelings & thoughts and reflected on the replies, I have prayed today for peace of mind and body because all of this is taking such a toll on me..........So I will continue to seek help & share it here with all of you.
By the way its not because I am so religious or anything that I have been praying more & more.....its because I have always known that God is the only one who never leaves us !!

Still Waters

Oh catlady, I do so hope that one day you'll be more than content. We all deserve more than that. Nothing wrong with content, but I think some dazzling happy every now and again is a goal worth working towards.