Can't survive without me. . .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Zachary, Louisiana
Posts: 20
Can't survive without me. . .
My AH calls this morning, begging and crying to come home. He says that he cant survive without me, that since he moved out 2 months ago he is falling deeper in and he doesn't want to do that. He says he needs my help, he is alone, isn't eating, and is scared.
I thought I could handle this. Heck, to be honest in the beginning I wanted him to realize how much he needed me. But then God started dealing with ME and I realized how insane our lives have been. I am torn now because I know that my AH has no one but me and his 2 kids.
He can go months without using but he always gets sucked back into the black hole usually for a couple of days, then he realizes what is happening and gets back on track with his recovery. Our life is good during those periods of time. I love my AH with all my heart and I want him whole again. Its like I am being torn apart between (1) not being an enabler and providing the support and encouragement he needs to work his program and stay clean and (2) the sake of my own sanity which doesn't really want to be apart of the addictive lifestyle after 9 years on a roller coaster ride.
How do you really know when enough is enough? The only bad thing in our marriage has been his addiction. When it is good, it is really good and we are the perfect all american family. I know that I am the only one who can really make the decisions that will affect my life, but if I let him come back then I look like the fool once again. My heart tells me that he is worth fighting for and the life we have built for the past 23 years will be stronger than the addiction in the end. Am I going crazy?
I thought I could handle this. Heck, to be honest in the beginning I wanted him to realize how much he needed me. But then God started dealing with ME and I realized how insane our lives have been. I am torn now because I know that my AH has no one but me and his 2 kids.
He can go months without using but he always gets sucked back into the black hole usually for a couple of days, then he realizes what is happening and gets back on track with his recovery. Our life is good during those periods of time. I love my AH with all my heart and I want him whole again. Its like I am being torn apart between (1) not being an enabler and providing the support and encouragement he needs to work his program and stay clean and (2) the sake of my own sanity which doesn't really want to be apart of the addictive lifestyle after 9 years on a roller coaster ride.
How do you really know when enough is enough? The only bad thing in our marriage has been his addiction. When it is good, it is really good and we are the perfect all american family. I know that I am the only one who can really make the decisions that will affect my life, but if I let him come back then I look like the fool once again. My heart tells me that he is worth fighting for and the life we have built for the past 23 years will be stronger than the addiction in the end. Am I going crazy?
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Take a deep breath Friend.
#1 - you cannot help him, you aren't an expert in addictions and he needs professional help
#2 - he's a big boy and all the tools he needs to get sober are out there for him to use.
Do you feel like you can offer him support and encouragement without getting sucked back in? Can you detach enough? I know I can't - then again, my AH wasn't working recovery so much as using it as a bat to bludgeon me with.
Others will be here to offer better support than I can Friend, hang in there.
#1 - you cannot help him, you aren't an expert in addictions and he needs professional help
#2 - he's a big boy and all the tools he needs to get sober are out there for him to use.
Do you feel like you can offer him support and encouragement without getting sucked back in? Can you detach enough? I know I can't - then again, my AH wasn't working recovery so much as using it as a bat to bludgeon me with.
Others will be here to offer better support than I can Friend, hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I don't think it's crazy at all!
He's putting his recovery at your feet where it has no business being. He is falling deeper and deeper because he is not accepting that only he can find true recovery for himself. If he comes back to you he will never hit bottom and discover this. He will just hover with being dry for periods then back again.
He says only you can save me....remind him that only he can save himself, and you're waiting for him to get on and do it.
Give him the love and support you have been from afar. Give him a kind word to hold on to when he hits those low points. Maybe seeing the happy life he seems to want just out of reach will be enough of incentive to get help.
Best wishes
Alice
He's putting his recovery at your feet where it has no business being. He is falling deeper and deeper because he is not accepting that only he can find true recovery for himself. If he comes back to you he will never hit bottom and discover this. He will just hover with being dry for periods then back again.
He says only you can save me....remind him that only he can save himself, and you're waiting for him to get on and do it.
Give him the love and support you have been from afar. Give him a kind word to hold on to when he hits those low points. Maybe seeing the happy life he seems to want just out of reach will be enough of incentive to get help.
Best wishes
Alice
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
I kind of envy you, because if my husband had done that after 25 years of marriage I would have told him this:
"Lets continue to be separated. Get, stay in a recovery program that involves spousal and family participation nights as well as individual recovery nights for him. Most intensive outpatient programs do. As I become more comfortable communicating with you in the confines of the program and see positive behavioral changes in you and a true commitment, perhaps we can start having date or family nights. If/when you have stayed the course through the first crazy PAWS year, we can reassess our marriage and our living situation."
That leaves the door open, and you safely off the rollercoaster.
My husband just decided to tell me he was in rehab BECAUSE of me, was now better than me because at least he was addressing his issues (he forgot I have been in counselling, alanon, group therapy, etc for years). He is now simultaneously on Steps 7 and 13.
Good luck with your decision, you will choose what's right for you.
"Lets continue to be separated. Get, stay in a recovery program that involves spousal and family participation nights as well as individual recovery nights for him. Most intensive outpatient programs do. As I become more comfortable communicating with you in the confines of the program and see positive behavioral changes in you and a true commitment, perhaps we can start having date or family nights. If/when you have stayed the course through the first crazy PAWS year, we can reassess our marriage and our living situation."
That leaves the door open, and you safely off the rollercoaster.
My husband just decided to tell me he was in rehab BECAUSE of me, was now better than me because at least he was addressing his issues (he forgot I have been in counselling, alanon, group therapy, etc for years). He is now simultaneously on Steps 7 and 13.
Good luck with your decision, you will choose what's right for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by AnAlwaysFriend 
He says he needs my help, he is alone, isn't eating, and is scared.
Originally Posted by AnAlwaysFriend
The only bad thing in our marriage has been his addiction. When it is good, it is really good and we are the perfect all american family.
Magical thinking is easy to fall back on when we don't like reality. I thought if my husband would only stop drinking, everything would be good. I found out otherwise. It takes a whole lot more than just stopping.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi, welcome to SR. You have asked the million dollar question....sorry I don't have a clear answer...nor the million $ either.
How I know when enough is enough is the same as it is for _you_, it's the same as it was for my qualifiers and for your AH.
Doing the same thing- expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. If it were that easy to unravel all the complications & emotions that get all tangled up with the facts...then life sure would be alot easier when it comes to living with alcholism or addiction.
Unfortunately when an alarm goes off in a random but steady manner maybe once or twice a day; and I get used to it going off each day and begin to ignore it. I'll never forget the time I sat with friend in a restaurant filled with people who were ignoring the fire alarm!! It was _not_ a drill. It reminds me of how I can learn to change things for myself.
It didn't matter if my loved one used only in a minimal fashion...with many years in between....or if it was weekly or five times a year. I've had multiple qualifers (relatives) who fit those descriptions...at the same time.
How I worked that out was as different for me as for the other person here who will come by to share..or from others in my Al-Anon meetings. But..there are common issues about how I treat myself and what I allow to happen. The things that I can change are what I have to learn to focus on.
There's an excellent pamphlet put out by Al-Anon called "The Merry-Go- Round of Addiction." We have some great sticky threads for you to read that will offer some help. One in particular is titled "Hooks...."
Keep coming around to read and post and you might want to try some f2f meetings too.
How do you really know when enough is enough?
Doing the same thing- expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. If it were that easy to unravel all the complications & emotions that get all tangled up with the facts...then life sure would be alot easier when it comes to living with alcholism or addiction.
Unfortunately when an alarm goes off in a random but steady manner maybe once or twice a day; and I get used to it going off each day and begin to ignore it. I'll never forget the time I sat with friend in a restaurant filled with people who were ignoring the fire alarm!! It was _not_ a drill. It reminds me of how I can learn to change things for myself.
It didn't matter if my loved one used only in a minimal fashion...with many years in between....or if it was weekly or five times a year. I've had multiple qualifers (relatives) who fit those descriptions...at the same time.
How I worked that out was as different for me as for the other person here who will come by to share..or from others in my Al-Anon meetings. But..there are common issues about how I treat myself and what I allow to happen. The things that I can change are what I have to learn to focus on.
There's an excellent pamphlet put out by Al-Anon called "The Merry-Go- Round of Addiction." We have some great sticky threads for you to read that will offer some help. One in particular is titled "Hooks...."
Keep coming around to read and post and you might want to try some f2f meetings too.
trying to get it..
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by AnAlwaysFriend
I love my AH with all my heart and I want him whole again.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I divorced my AH. During the divorce process he got sober, went to AA, got a sponsor and began working the steps. He is becoming the man I remember and thought was still there somewhere. He will pick up his 90 day chip at tomorrows meeting.
We are still divorced and I moved myself and two teens 100 miles away. I have my own program and my own life to continue living. I am happy for him and offer my support. Close friends are quick to ask if we will reconcile. I am not making any plans, after all, he is only got 90 days sober and recovering. We had 14 years together and there are lots of other issues to consider.
I agree with LTD about your ideas of your marriage. Was it that awesome or is this magical thinking? Was he open and honest and forthright with you, always? Was he respectful of you as his life partner, full-fledged partner? Did his alcoholism leave a financial trail of disaster? Was he the role model you want for your children? Were you the role model you want for your children while living with active alcoholism?
That last question is why I will keep my x 100 miles away for now. I was not the mother I wanted to be for my children. I was busy caretaking someone else's life. I do not want my son to treat his partner the way I was treated, or his children; and I do not want my daughter's to put up with the crap I put up with in their relationships. Now they are able to see their dad work his own program, take care of himself or not, do his own laundry and housework and yard maintenance. It's a much healthier arrangement for everyone.
You don't have to decide the future of your marriage today. For today, your husband needs to take care of himself. For today, you need to take care of yourself and your children.
Peace to you and yours.
We are still divorced and I moved myself and two teens 100 miles away. I have my own program and my own life to continue living. I am happy for him and offer my support. Close friends are quick to ask if we will reconcile. I am not making any plans, after all, he is only got 90 days sober and recovering. We had 14 years together and there are lots of other issues to consider.
I agree with LTD about your ideas of your marriage. Was it that awesome or is this magical thinking? Was he open and honest and forthright with you, always? Was he respectful of you as his life partner, full-fledged partner? Did his alcoholism leave a financial trail of disaster? Was he the role model you want for your children? Were you the role model you want for your children while living with active alcoholism?
That last question is why I will keep my x 100 miles away for now. I was not the mother I wanted to be for my children. I was busy caretaking someone else's life. I do not want my son to treat his partner the way I was treated, or his children; and I do not want my daughter's to put up with the crap I put up with in their relationships. Now they are able to see their dad work his own program, take care of himself or not, do his own laundry and housework and yard maintenance. It's a much healthier arrangement for everyone.
You don't have to decide the future of your marriage today. For today, your husband needs to take care of himself. For today, you need to take care of yourself and your children.
Peace to you and yours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Originally Posted by AnAlwaysFriend
My AH calls this morning, begging and crying to come home. He says that he cant survive without me, that since he moved out 2 months ago he is falling deeper in and he doesn't want to do that. He says he needs my help, he is alone, isn't eating, and is scared.
Alcoholism has transformed your marriage into a parasitic relationship. He is the parasite.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 06-19-2009 at 07:26 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Zachary, Louisiana
Posts: 20
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I have just returned from my counseling session and I am on the right track, I am happy to say. The most sane thing I have done thus far is knowing that this is the best thing for my family. I thank God for finding this forum and with luck I will find a f2f alanon or nar anon meeting soon. I have decided to stand my ground and take care of me. I will not be sucked back into his black hole. In the 2 months we have been separated I have seen little improvement in my AH. Even though he is in a outpatient rehab program (only 2 meetings in) I know he is far from being where he should be. The best thing I can do for him is keep working on me!
This evening I know he will call after he gets off from work. . .he is having trouble balancing his checkbook. Seems the bank is getting more of his paycheck than the drug dealer. . .I am going to help him get his bank record straight but I plan to tell him that it is important for both of us to continue working the program apart and that when all is said and done if our marriage is worth saving we will find a way to do just that. I know he will be angry at me, but that's ok. Instead of feeling responsible for him, I now do NOT want to be responsible for him not hitting bottom and finding the strength to pull his self up. In my eyes that is the only way he will ever overcome.
I really do appreciate the guidance all of you have provided me.
This evening I know he will call after he gets off from work. . .he is having trouble balancing his checkbook. Seems the bank is getting more of his paycheck than the drug dealer. . .I am going to help him get his bank record straight but I plan to tell him that it is important for both of us to continue working the program apart and that when all is said and done if our marriage is worth saving we will find a way to do just that. I know he will be angry at me, but that's ok. Instead of feeling responsible for him, I now do NOT want to be responsible for him not hitting bottom and finding the strength to pull his self up. In my eyes that is the only way he will ever overcome.
I really do appreciate the guidance all of you have provided me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
FYI... the bank has staff on hand that can sit down with him and help him to reconcile his bank statement. Better them than you (for him too) - then you aren't rescuing him. Consider it all part of his program. Tell him to put on the "big boy pants".
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
