Feelings of panic - what eases it?
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Feelings of panic - what eases it?
I have had some nervous moments in my life but they have all been in response to an outside stimulus. Feeling jumpy and a weak in the knees the first time taking a certain jump on horseback...first date jitters...that bottomless pit in my stomach before a big job interview...turning off the lights after watching a particularly scary movie...Yeah, I've had those, but this time nothing actually happened.
I was thinking about something my ABF does, and I felt empowered to have a conversation with him about it so I decided to play the tape all the way through as they say and tried to think through the conversation. I thought about what I would say and when, what direction the discussion may lead, and what responses I might receive. I was trying to understand whether saying anything is really necessary, if it would change anything, if it was just for me to feel like I've made my opinion known or what other motive there could be in it.
This all happened in the span of maybe 10 minutes. By the time I pulled into the driveway I had trouble getting out of the car. I was dizzy, my knees were weak, my heart was racing, and I was visibly shaking. I had to sit in the car for a few minutes to calm down. I had to keep telling myself that I don't have to say anything at all. It's just a thought. I don't have to talk to him if it makes me this upset.
Is it possible that I have detached myself to the point that the idea of engaging him again has this physical effect on me??
I initially was so confident. I thought...it's just a conversation...ask him why he does what he does...just let him know it's bothersome...maybe it's something he'll change...if he doesn't change than at least he knows where you stand on it.
How could I have been so confident and self assured one minute and such a physical wreck the next minute like that???
On one hand I'm thankful I played the tape through rather than have the same reaction trying to talk to ABF. My HP must have made the response so strong so I couldn't ignore it. But on the other hand, I refuse to live in a state of panic.
Now I feel certain that if I tell him I'm leaving as soon as I can afford it, I'll have this feeling. If I don't tell him I'm leaving and I just go, I have no idea how long I'll feel this way. Like some sort fugitive.
I'm just thrown off balance by this a little. What eases this feeling???
I was thinking about something my ABF does, and I felt empowered to have a conversation with him about it so I decided to play the tape all the way through as they say and tried to think through the conversation. I thought about what I would say and when, what direction the discussion may lead, and what responses I might receive. I was trying to understand whether saying anything is really necessary, if it would change anything, if it was just for me to feel like I've made my opinion known or what other motive there could be in it.
This all happened in the span of maybe 10 minutes. By the time I pulled into the driveway I had trouble getting out of the car. I was dizzy, my knees were weak, my heart was racing, and I was visibly shaking. I had to sit in the car for a few minutes to calm down. I had to keep telling myself that I don't have to say anything at all. It's just a thought. I don't have to talk to him if it makes me this upset.
Is it possible that I have detached myself to the point that the idea of engaging him again has this physical effect on me??
I initially was so confident. I thought...it's just a conversation...ask him why he does what he does...just let him know it's bothersome...maybe it's something he'll change...if he doesn't change than at least he knows where you stand on it.
How could I have been so confident and self assured one minute and such a physical wreck the next minute like that???
On one hand I'm thankful I played the tape through rather than have the same reaction trying to talk to ABF. My HP must have made the response so strong so I couldn't ignore it. But on the other hand, I refuse to live in a state of panic.
Now I feel certain that if I tell him I'm leaving as soon as I can afford it, I'll have this feeling. If I don't tell him I'm leaving and I just go, I have no idea how long I'll feel this way. Like some sort fugitive.
I'm just thrown off balance by this a little. What eases this feeling???
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Time? I really don't know. I get physically ill at the thought of having any interaction with my AH. When he emailed me a few weeks ago, I was sick to my stomach for about an hour.
A suggestion for you though, if the fugitive thing (lol) bothers you, why not send him a letter or leave him a note when you go?
A suggestion for you though, if the fugitive thing (lol) bothers you, why not send him a letter or leave him a note when you go?
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SW,
I'm still jittery, like I've had too much caffeine (I haven't). It gets worse everytime I think about it. Makes me think...if it happens when I think about it, stop thinking about it, DUH. Easier said than done, right?
I think about my leaving every day. I'm working like mad towards that and trying to find a place to go. I've written about 100 goodbye notes and erased them all. I've thought about 'the i'm leaving talk' the same way I thought of talking to him this morning without the same physical reaction. I assumed I would freak out when the time came, but to have such a reaction over something far less momentus caught me off guard completely.
I'll have to deal with it eventually I guess. I do think leaving without a note or a fare-the-well seems cowardly in a way.
I'm still jittery, like I've had too much caffeine (I haven't). It gets worse everytime I think about it. Makes me think...if it happens when I think about it, stop thinking about it, DUH. Easier said than done, right?
I think about my leaving every day. I'm working like mad towards that and trying to find a place to go. I've written about 100 goodbye notes and erased them all. I've thought about 'the i'm leaving talk' the same way I thought of talking to him this morning without the same physical reaction. I assumed I would freak out when the time came, but to have such a reaction over something far less momentus caught me off guard completely.
I'll have to deal with it eventually I guess. I do think leaving without a note or a fare-the-well seems cowardly in a way.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
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Cowardly or not, you need to do what you need to do for YOU. I didn't leave a note, I just left. I didn't want to hear anymore of the accusations, the lies, the delusions, the woe is me, none of it. I had tried everything I could think of, and it didn't work - so I did what I should have done for me a long time before that. I left.
Might be that you're feeling the effects of long term stress also. I've talked about PTSD here before, and it manifests in many ways. I call it "jangling nerves" - mine get like a guitar string and anything, any noise, etc. will set them off and they'll reverberate for a long time.
I find that asking my HP to take this away from me works. It kinda goes like this:
Please Lord - I pray that you take this worry and panic off of my head for a while, I desperately need the rest and the serenity - and we both know I'll take it back up later Lord, so thanks
Might be that you're feeling the effects of long term stress also. I've talked about PTSD here before, and it manifests in many ways. I call it "jangling nerves" - mine get like a guitar string and anything, any noise, etc. will set them off and they'll reverberate for a long time.
I find that asking my HP to take this away from me works. It kinda goes like this:
Please Lord - I pray that you take this worry and panic off of my head for a while, I desperately need the rest and the serenity - and we both know I'll take it back up later Lord, so thanks
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I like the phrase 'actions speak louder than words' and I've found it helpful when I try to anticipate what I will say..how I will etc etc..I usually find that it just stresse me out.
Now..if I'm speaking with someone rational then perhaps that playing it out tape is a good thing. I can collect my thougts and focus on my point if I go over it.
The problem with me...when I'm not 'where I should be' is that playing it out becomes an obsession and I can be caught unaware of trying to produce a desired outcome.
I have a few people that I presently know...that I could say some things that might be viewed as confrontational. I've decided to not waste my energy and emotions because I already know how they are and now I have accepted that truth. It may sound harsh but the verse "don't throw your pearls before swine." from the bible has alot of wisdom and recovery in it.
If you really want or need to communicate...then you can find a way to do it where you will feel better for it and be able to assert yourself. If on the other hand you decide it's best to not do...why not give yourself permission to take the route that is best for -YOU- instead of the other person.
I know that sometimes it's just difficult to decide what to do..I often find myself there too.
Now..if I'm speaking with someone rational then perhaps that playing it out tape is a good thing. I can collect my thougts and focus on my point if I go over it.
The problem with me...when I'm not 'where I should be' is that playing it out becomes an obsession and I can be caught unaware of trying to produce a desired outcome.
I have a few people that I presently know...that I could say some things that might be viewed as confrontational. I've decided to not waste my energy and emotions because I already know how they are and now I have accepted that truth. It may sound harsh but the verse "don't throw your pearls before swine." from the bible has alot of wisdom and recovery in it.
If you really want or need to communicate...then you can find a way to do it where you will feel better for it and be able to assert yourself. If on the other hand you decide it's best to not do...why not give yourself permission to take the route that is best for -YOU- instead of the other person.
I know that sometimes it's just difficult to decide what to do..I often find myself there too.
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ItsmeAlice
If I could go back in time...
I would leave a note and leave. It would be the one time I would think I could say what I think and not have manipulation, "counter-offense", insults, empty glances, etc. etc. it is no use talking to an AH. But on the other hand, seeing how the denial, the finger-pointing, the walking on eggshells is reality until the very last minute of interaction, it kind of "helps" to conclude "no wonder I am leaving"
If he cared he would show it everyday. I just do not want you to expect something climatic or any validation for your feelings or hurts... it may never happen. I thought "this is my statement" well he only sighed in relief as now he can drink more, I was just an obstacle.
If I could go back in time...
I would leave a note and leave. It would be the one time I would think I could say what I think and not have manipulation, "counter-offense", insults, empty glances, etc. etc. it is no use talking to an AH. But on the other hand, seeing how the denial, the finger-pointing, the walking on eggshells is reality until the very last minute of interaction, it kind of "helps" to conclude "no wonder I am leaving"
If he cared he would show it everyday. I just do not want you to expect something climatic or any validation for your feelings or hurts... it may never happen. I thought "this is my statement" well he only sighed in relief as now he can drink more, I was just an obstacle.
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Thank you all for what you've said. It has really brought me back to the peace I had when I got up this morning.
The talk I wanted to have with him was going to be over lunch today. It's the only time I see him that he's not under the influence. I rarely talk to him beyond pleasantries if at all, though. I made the conscious choice not to bring anything behavior related up to him and the last of my jitters went away.
I'm really seeing this as a lession from my HP. I have been battling this issue of "the leaving talk" for months. It's hindered my progress to leave, I know it has. I think the panic set in when I played the tape through and the conversation turned into a discussion about our future together and how I don't see there being one at all.
Clearly, I am not emotionally strong enough in some way. You're all on to something, and I am not firmly set in my decision to leave yet (there's a lot of fear over it) or I'm not strong enough to stand up to whatever wall he may choose to put up to block me from going.
Either way, I've got some work to do.
The talk I wanted to have with him was going to be over lunch today. It's the only time I see him that he's not under the influence. I rarely talk to him beyond pleasantries if at all, though. I made the conscious choice not to bring anything behavior related up to him and the last of my jitters went away.
I'm really seeing this as a lession from my HP. I have been battling this issue of "the leaving talk" for months. It's hindered my progress to leave, I know it has. I think the panic set in when I played the tape through and the conversation turned into a discussion about our future together and how I don't see there being one at all.
Clearly, I am not emotionally strong enough in some way. You're all on to something, and I am not firmly set in my decision to leave yet (there's a lot of fear over it) or I'm not strong enough to stand up to whatever wall he may choose to put up to block me from going.
Either way, I've got some work to do.
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Panic Attacks!
Originally Posted by cmc 
Now..if I'm speaking with someone rational then perhaps that playing it out tape is a good thing. I can collect my thougts and focus on my point if I go over it.
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
If he cared he would show it everyday. I just do not want you to expect something climatic or any validation for your feelings or hurts... it may never happen. I thought "this is my statement" well he only sighed in relief as now he can drink more, I was just an obstacle.
And the climax thing - I agree. You may never get that feeling of "OMG, he really misses me, he really loves me, he can't live without me" because he can't show it. (Unless, of course, you're paying the mortgage or rent...and the bills. Then, he'll definitely try to get you to stay.)
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
Thank you all for what you've said. It has really brought me back to the peace I had when I got up this morning.
The talk I wanted to have with him was going to be over lunch today. It's the only time I see him that he's not under the influence. I rarely talk to him beyond pleasantries if at all, though. I made the conscious choice not to bring anything behavior related up to him and the last of my jitters went away.
I'm really seeing this as a lession from my HP. I have been battling this issue of "the leaving talk" for months. It's hindered my progress to leave, I know it has. I think the panic set in when I played the tape through and the conversation turned into a discussion about our future together and how I don't see there being one at all.
Clearly, I am not emotionally strong enough in some way. You're all on to something, and I am not firmly set in my decision to leave yet (there's a lot of fear over it) or I'm not strong enough to stand up to whatever wall he may choose to put up to block me from going.
Either way, I've got some work to do.
The talk I wanted to have with him was going to be over lunch today. It's the only time I see him that he's not under the influence. I rarely talk to him beyond pleasantries if at all, though. I made the conscious choice not to bring anything behavior related up to him and the last of my jitters went away.
I'm really seeing this as a lession from my HP. I have been battling this issue of "the leaving talk" for months. It's hindered my progress to leave, I know it has. I think the panic set in when I played the tape through and the conversation turned into a discussion about our future together and how I don't see there being one at all.
Clearly, I am not emotionally strong enough in some way. You're all on to something, and I am not firmly set in my decision to leave yet (there's a lot of fear over it) or I'm not strong enough to stand up to whatever wall he may choose to put up to block me from going.
Either way, I've got some work to do.
You have to realize that your body is responding to something that bothers you. The behavior concept is interesting. Maybe you don't feel that it's right to discuss his behavior with him. But why? Could it be that he's a grown man and he knows that he's doing wrong, so why should you bother mentioning it? Is it that he's making choices and knowing his choices are hurtful to your relationship, and YOUR choices have been to stay with him, so why should you even "discuss" his behavior? Maybe you know you just need to go.
I am so happy for you, that you are working on leaving. It's a huge accomplishment to get there emotionally. You are doing what's best for yourself. You will feel panic. You have been in the middle of everything - you know exactly what he's been up to, drunk and not drunk, home and not home, mean and not mean. When you leave, you won't know anything. You won't know if he's home, working, sick, sad, happy. When you leave, you will see how he reacts. That may hurt a lot. For me - the worst part was knowing my XABF may walk away and not look back. Imagine. The love of my life, the guy I wanted to marry, the guy I compared every guy I dated against, the guy for whom I've read books on alcoholism and for whom I've paid for therapy sessions - could walk out of my life and not look back. Not even blow a kiss. Not even shed a tear. :wtf2
Your discussion may be just your making a statement and getting a response from him. And that's that. What if that were to happen? All this preparation, anxiety, fear over a "when you leave, make sure you shut out the lights, I don't want to get up to turn them off".
---
I'm going to post an update now on what's helped me get through the month of June. My XABF moved out and officially left on June 1. It's been weird. But better. And Wednesday night, I found something that's helped me tremendously.
Good luck and get it done. Don't fear the unknown. Have your stuff ready to go, moved out, be ready to be gone. Give him no time to react or retailate. Hear nothing but a goodbye. He's not going to stop drinking because you're leaving. They stop because they DECIDE to stop. Don't forget, you are strong, and you deserve more. YOU KNOW THAT. That's why you've decided to leave. It seems harder than it is. You'll see.
Good luck. We're cheering for you.
Ready!!
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FSquared, your little picture/drawing is how I felt Monday, Tues and Wed. It's really wild!
Hey, Alice, what's worked for me a little is listening to music that is not related to any man or relationship. I have songs by Annette Funicello that I used to listen to when I was younger. A few other songs, too, that just don't have a guy attached to them. They help since they are associated with my youth, and pre-boy problems. Old movies that aren't related to anyone help, too. Maybe funny ones that you liked as a young adult. Also, funny books. Just something to make you laugh. No strings attached. Just laugh.
:-)
Hey, Alice, what's worked for me a little is listening to music that is not related to any man or relationship. I have songs by Annette Funicello that I used to listen to when I was younger. A few other songs, too, that just don't have a guy attached to them. They help since they are associated with my youth, and pre-boy problems. Old movies that aren't related to anyone help, too. Maybe funny ones that you liked as a young adult. Also, funny books. Just something to make you laugh. No strings attached. Just laugh.
:-)
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Thank you for the replies! I appreciate them more than I can say.
Ready your post gave me a lot to think about. You know it had not occurred to me that I could tell him of my intentions to leave when I've got my ducks in a row and I'm ready to leave and make is a satement rather than opener to a discussion. What reply other than "I'm leaving for rehab tonight" would I care to hear?
The suggestions for activities are spot on for me. When I get bouts of anger if pull out the pulsing club music and power walk and run on the treadmill. A good sweat is my replacement for a previous binge eating habit. I was so shaky this morning, I didn't know what to do. I should have got myself into a warm bath for sure. I will try that if it happens again, which I'm praying it doesn't.
I had a better day than I thought I would and he was in a lighthearted mood when he got home so there wasn't tension in the house to add insul to injury. I did get a workout in as well so I'm feeling pretty mellow now.
Deep breath in, deep breath out, rest up for another day tomorrow....
Alice
Ready your post gave me a lot to think about. You know it had not occurred to me that I could tell him of my intentions to leave when I've got my ducks in a row and I'm ready to leave and make is a satement rather than opener to a discussion. What reply other than "I'm leaving for rehab tonight" would I care to hear?
The suggestions for activities are spot on for me. When I get bouts of anger if pull out the pulsing club music and power walk and run on the treadmill. A good sweat is my replacement for a previous binge eating habit. I was so shaky this morning, I didn't know what to do. I should have got myself into a warm bath for sure. I will try that if it happens again, which I'm praying it doesn't.
I had a better day than I thought I would and he was in a lighthearted mood when he got home so there wasn't tension in the house to add insul to injury. I did get a workout in as well so I'm feeling pretty mellow now.
Deep breath in, deep breath out, rest up for another day tomorrow....
Alice
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Happy! Good for you!!
I'm glad you'll consider being prepared to leave and making a statement. It's a decision you've made. Or do you want his permission, approval and validation? NOPE!
Stay strong. You know what to do!
~READY!
P.S. Remember... "I'm on my way to rehab" is just a bunch of words. Beware of the promises! (My XABF didn't even bother promising, begging or pleading! I know it's for the best, but what a blow to my ego. Good things come in weird packages. LOL!)
I'm glad you'll consider being prepared to leave and making a statement. It's a decision you've made. Or do you want his permission, approval and validation? NOPE!
Stay strong. You know what to do!
~READY!
P.S. Remember... "I'm on my way to rehab" is just a bunch of words. Beware of the promises! (My XABF didn't even bother promising, begging or pleading! I know it's for the best, but what a blow to my ego. Good things come in weird packages. LOL!)
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