Did Al-Anon Help?
 

well my wife has been going to AA since rehab 4 months ago and I am so happy to her dedication and choice to stay sober.

However, I am still mad as hell at times. It doesn't feel right because I have never in the past really been an angry person, however, after 10 years of this crap I still find myself going over in my mind sometimes at night all the sh*! that happened and not able to relax or sleep. I don't want to be over dramatic but sometimes it feels like PTSD. I want to be able to let go and live day-to-day, but it's not happening yet. My question is did Al-Anon help any of you in dealing with these type of feelings? I want to feel myself again.

Thank You

I don't have wise words for you as I am going through the same thing. However, I wanted you to know that you are not alone.

My AH went to rehab 2 months ago and is so sober right now (comes and goes) but is not working a recovery program. I don't know how you do ever forget what they did while they were drinking.

Hi I am sure others will come and greet you soon... with wise words..

Meanwhile I am not sure about the anger thing. I journal and burn the papers. I try to do some exercise but so much anger inside me... it seems unsurmountable...

I separated from an AH. My goal is never to forget what he did while drunk. Otherwise I will be drawn to him again. I do not know how others can "forgive and forget", there are things that hurt too much. I know as much as the separation hurts, I cannot live my life walking on eggshells.

Al -Anon helped me because by going through the steps (the same steps that the alcoholic goes through), I realised that I was very similar to my AH. I can't condense the insights I've gained in Al-Anon into a post because I know that you will get something out of it that is different to what I got. You will hear in the meetings, what you are ready to hear. There is Al-Anon literature to read. When you are ready, get yourself a sponsor and work through the steps. One of the AA slogans applies: If it doesn't work, we will glady refund your misery. I've gained so much confidence especially with steps 2 and 3. My life has turned around.

Al-Anon has helped me forgive my husband but yes, I am still going through post traumatic stress. You have to process what happened and I found I could only do it when the abuse had stopped.

Alanon (and personal counseling and SR) has probably saved my life, and certainly my sanity. My STBXAH did not quit drinking until I filed for a divorce, and is currently in AA, but I would not go so far as to say in recovery.

My situation is very different from yours in that Alanon is teaching me the effects of living with an A for 22 years so I don't ever have to go back. More importantly than the effects are my roles and my illness that contributed to the chaos. You will need the same tools to help you to stay in the situation. Living with mine WAS more than I could bear, and I hope never to repeat it......I believe my best shot at that when (and if) I ever have another serious relationship is by attending Alanon and working the steps.

My suggestion would be to give it a chance. All you've got to lose is an hour of your time.

Al-Anon, SR and self-help reading have helped me.

The resentment was eating a whole in my insides. The following expression describes it accurately:

"Its like trying to kill someone with poison, and you are the one swallowing the poison."

I was doing nothing to change the other person, was doing nothing to get them to understand my hurt, and was doing nothing to heal myself. I was miserable.

I found an excercise from Louise Hay's book "You Can Heal Your Life" very helpful in assisting me with letting go of the resentment I was carrying. The excercise is on forgiveness. You visualize the person you have resentment towards and you mentally recite this:

"I forgive you for not being the way I wanted you to be.
I forgive you and I set you free"

I hope you find the peace you need to live your life in serenity.

PTSD is pretty accurate, I feel exactly the same way. Counseling was very helpful to me, and I hope to get back to al-anon meetings soon.

For me, I have to take a good look at what really makes me angry. Am I angry at my AH, or at myself? I think many times, it's me. I stayed, I put up with it, etc.

I also keep in mind that my AH is essentially insane, and I have a hard time getting and staying angry at an insane person.

Alanon does help me with my anger/disappointment. It does help me sleep at night. My AH had me in such an unhealthy routine, I couldn't find "normal" again. Alanon has helped me immensely.

Hi,

I went to an Al-anon meeting twice or three times. I didn't enjoy it. I want feedback. Not just to talk.

I like self-help stuff, anyway. I wish Anthony Robbins would do something specific for people living/married/affected by A's.

You may want to see a therapist, get some exercise, and get to some Al-Anon meetings and find a "sponsor". Someone who has experience with this stuff and can help you figure out how to channel your anger. You can't let it eat you up inside, while the A is walking around happy that she's sober.

I've felt a lot of anger, too, and I will start exercising and doing heavy lifting. I have a lot of negative energy stored up from the 2 years of living with my now X Alcoholic Boyfriend and being in the Twilight Zone.

Good luck. SoberRecovery is great. You post, and people really care and are compassionate and offer suggestions and share their experiences. Like I said, I like feedback.

~READY!

I am going to a meeting tonight, after having kicked my AH out on Jan 26th. I miss him so much, but not the messed up, unpredictable chaos. I hope that alanon can ease some of my guilt at kicking him out. I don't know why I miss him? He was mean, cruel, couldn't pay bills on time, and a smoker. What is wrong with me? I loved him more than anyone I have ever loved. I just feel like we are speaking different languages, now. He is not moving toward conciousness, and I feel angry. I know I shouldn't but I feel angry at myself for getting involved and for his inability to see what has to happen. I hope alanon is helpful, because I need something. I should have gone when we were together, but I didn't realize I needed to until he started being distant and withdrawn.

For me personally Al anon definitely helps. It's all about concentrating on yourself and not worrying about your A. It's time to focus on you while they focus on themselves. it will all take time to get over any resentments you have and anger. But don't let it over power you, it will just make you more unhappy. good luck.

Funny. This is a Way Back thread from 4 years.

The stuff is just timeless.

amica, take it easy on yourself. Work through your side and then see what you think of things. Whole different world view once we get OUR stuff cleaned up.

Alanon absolutely helped, it saved my sanity and my life. I learned that by focusing on an alcoholic and staying in a miserable relationship I didn't have to deal with my own issues. I learned that I'm responsible for my own life and feelings. I could stay and be miserable or leave and take a chance on having the life I want. The big help came from being with people who were also codependent and at different stages of recovery. Enormous support for the tough times I went through.

Okay. The meeting was life changing. I really, really needed that. I understand that I am not responsible, although he tells me it is. I understand that he is not owning his stuff, and as much as I want him to, he probably won't. I can see that he has done the best he can with the tools he has, but he is not on the same program as me, nor is he trying to be. He only wants to continue in the same lifestyle that has been his for 25 years. He is so amazing in so many ways, but i cannot do it any further with him. I miss all of the good stuff, tho. ox thanks...

Amica, so glad you got so much benefit from the meeting! Hope you keep going and hope you keep getting better and better.

It's amazing how your perspective can change, and then everything else changes too. A better life awaits you. Wishing you strength and clarity.

Thank-you. I feel okay, generally, because I am independent, have a career and basically am making my way. However, I feel like I have lost yet, another family, a life, a partner, a future etc. I was so afraid of this happening. I wish he would go to AA and try to be better, or at least take ownership over what I am seeing and experiencing. But, alas, the VERY POINT OF ALANON. Stop focusing on him. Focus on yourself. Okay...okay...

I definitely felt like I had post traumatic stress when my ex was drinking/binging heavily..I felt spaced out, forgetful and I couldn't see myself in the mirror. I was disappearing. I was only in this relationship for 2 years....it was like an out of body experience those nights when he was wasted and all I was trying to do was survive it and take care of his kid.
Al Anon is great. I've been going to meetings for almost 2 years. Please try several meetings, Al Anon suggests six of them, before you decide it it's for you. I attend two meetings a week. I always leave feeling better and I always learn something. And yes, right before I left the relationship, I was so angry but most of all, I was angry with myself, that I had stayed with him and thinking that I could make a difference in his life. Not so much.

Wow. Yes, yes, yes....so much pain and suffering. But, he is also very charming, and did so much for me and did his best to try to improve and change. He is accusing me of giving up on him, but the final weeks we were together were so terrible. Emotional abuse...so badly...I couldn't even think...I was just floating around. My body was moving and I was hardly in it. Just surviving. And I too, was being responsible for his child. It was too much, and when I put up boundaries around her I felt bad, but I was so tired of her. She is such a bi-product of his emotional 'stuff'. As the weeks go along I can see more clearly. I will go to another meeting on Monday, and keep going. I will, I know it is what I have to do now. Thank-you for sharing, and reminding me that what is happening is okay, it is normal. Thank-you.

Al-Anon saved my life and the life of my AH (at least for awhile) and possibly others, because when I first walked into the rooms I was a borderline homicidal fool. INSANE did not seem like a strong enough word.

When we become absorbed in the process of addiction, logic does not apply. The more we try to apply logic and reason to the situation which is progressive/degenerative, the more insane we become. I had more rage than the A in my life and THAT was saying something. It is very much Like PTSD.

All these emotions have been sidelined, stuffed.. resentments we don't even KNOW about have been slowing building sometimes for years with no healthy outlet. We did not have the skills (even the pros struggle with it) to deal with such an insidious process that escapes our understanding. Most of us have suffered some type of abuse as a result of the process, be it verbal, emotional, physical or sexual and we have used every defense mechanism (including Denial) that we can muster.

We had become isolated, depressed, angry and yet ALL our energies were directed at trying to FIX what we "thought" (remember our thinking becomes distorted) was the problem and when we could not..what then? For me The 12 Steps and Al-anon said "there is a solution"..that was what I wanted, they said they had it and I demanded they fork it over forthwith..Just tell me what to do..They said Change your thinking, Keep and Open Mind and work the steps & IF you do that you will have a spiritual awakening and "you will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle you". THEY PROMISED.

I am a lady, but I do recall using some words that rhyme with duck at the time and I was madder still. This was not the answer I wanted. They said "We know", that is why you have not been able to find it. They told me to learn the 3C's (did not Cause, can not Control nor Cure& the 3 P's (Pause, Pray & Proceed) and to start with the Serenity Prayer, because it was to the Steps what kindergarten is to elementary school. I was not pleased.

.but I had tired/done everything else I knew (& some stuff I made up) to no avail.. and they were not a "glum bunch" and some of them had situations that seemed even more dire than mine. They sat around laughing and swapping recipes and knitting and talking about the "game" BF the meeting and appeared to be living "normal" lives ..I wanted what they had so I kept coming back..
I listened..and learned (boy did I have a lot to learn-beginning with detachment and to QTIP = Quit Taking It Personally) and finally recovered..

Al-Anon literally saves lives, it did mine.

I'm on my own now, working, seeing my friends, living my life....Sometimes I get scared but the time I should have been really scared was when I was with him. I've given up that illusion that I was somehow getting what I needed and wanted from him. Denial is a powerful thing. I was the structure, the foundation, the consistency, the strength in that relationship. I just don't want to settle and have to survive my next relationship. I want a guy in my life that is going to help give that to me too.