Still Waters

Kid is not happy about moving:

It's all my fault, I've ruined her life all her life, I should feel guilty, it'll never be okay, she's not going, she's going to live with her friend here, etc.

Yes, we've moved a bit during her life, I often worked contract and usually a year at a time. Yes, I know it's hard on some kids. I moved about every 9 months as a kid, as my Dad got transferred for work - it never bothered me much but about killed my sister.

I know it's hard, and I know she's got the right to be angry at me and sad to leave...but we have to leave. I need more options..for me. I need meetings and therapy, and a JOB.

She's constantly on the phone with her friends here (which she swore she'd never make when we moved here) and they are egging it on of course.

Thing is, I can't promise no more moves, I don't know what God has in store for me - and it might be that we'll have to move again. So I don't want to make promises I can't keep.

Gah. I'm tearing myself up inside over this. The decision is made, I have to go, now I want to pack up and leave now to get it the hell over with and stop all this angst.

Astro

I'm not sure what your kids ages are or the situation is. My kids are 11 & 13, they've been dragged along through my recovery for the last 4+ years. All I can offer is this, and you probably already know it......

Kids don't like change, they resist....then.....they're just as resilient as they always are and they adapt to their surroundings, before you know it they love their life and wouldn't have it any other way. Of course they'll never admit that, their job after all is to give us anxiety attacks

My kids didn't understand at first why their Dad was living in a one-bedroom apartment and Mom was in the 4-bedroom house. And they darn sure didn't like sharing that bedroom with me, but they got use to it. Six months later we moved into a small home and lived there comfortably and happily, and recently we moved into a bigger home. There's always been a little resistance to change, mostly I think it's fear of the unknown.

I have to admit there's been a little bribery along the way. They got to pick out their new bedroom furniture and stuff like that, I've done my best to make it feel like home and give them a "cool" place to live. Most importantly, I've tried to keep reassuring them they're the most important people in my life. My fiancee and children come before anything else.

We have a pretty happy and peaceful life. But the biggest challenge is yet to come, the teenage years

Ago

Sign over my friends kitchen while I was growing up:

Oh to be half as wonderful as my child thought I was

or half as stupid as my teenager thinks I am



"Do what you need to do to get it done no matter what" I know it hurts you that it hurts her, but you are doing this so you can care for her and yourself, sometimes ripping band aids off hurt but there is no healing or moving forward otherwise.

Doing what's right is always simple, but it's not always easy

Still Waters

She's almost 14. We moved here about 8 months ago, when I left the AH.

I want to make this as easy as possible for her, but I don't want to be manipulated by her pulling the guilt strings either. :/

Still Waters

My Mom is talking to her on the phone now. Mom had to deal with my sister during all our moves, and the drama.

Sigh. Ago, you're absolutely correct that it hurts me to see this hurting her. And I'm so afraid of my own decisions that have been so bad in the past that this whole thing scares me - but here is a dead end and I know it.

Astro

If you find a way to do that, let me in on your secret. Lol.

Sometimes I feel like my ex is constantly one-upping me. Lately the kids have been laying it on thick about the new billiards table, a few months ago it was the Nintendo Wii. Whatever. I prefer to love my children as much as possible with words and action rather than spoil them with money, although I've been guilty of that too at times. I'm just doing my best to "lead by example".

It helps me to remember that my children are "on loan" to me for a very short time, so I'm trying to make the most of it.

Remember these words from Kahlil Gibran, I post them here often......

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

SHAMAN

Due to numerous changes at work within recent months, I've been thinking about "change" alot of late. And in the 'business' world, you can MANAGE change, which means, "Do this, now do that, now do this again.", OR, you can LEAD through change, which implies vision, spirituality, and finding deeper meaning when there appears to be none.

So this has got me thinking about how I cope with personal change and I think, as parents as well as individuals, this is what we are often called to do... LEAD through change. I don't mean to imply you haven't tried to do so, but I think many times the best we can do, as parents, is plant the seed... realize that what we do today may positively effect our children's tomorrows. After all, we can't control someone else's behavior and, in my experience, raising a son has been my ultimate lesson in planting the seed and then letting go.

I feel and know the unstated angst in your post and wonder, have you shared this angst with her? Have you cried with her? I'm not talking about a a forced sharing, but rather, a genuine 'moment' in which "Mother" doesn't matter and it's two people sharing... you have shared you with her and her with you as two distinct, seperate, free-willed people. I mean, isn't that the kind of intimacy we're here seeking, left unfulfilled by the very relationships that brought us here?

I think, for me, I had too few of those moments growing up despite being witness to and very aware of the angst about me. But when I've had those moments, they've left a lasting impression and demonstrated what intimate, healthy, and fulfilling relationships can be like. I think had I more of these moments, I'd have less to overcome in my adult relationships. I'd have had vulnerability modeled for me as well as the trust that someone would LEAD me through change when I was fearful.

Just my two cents and hope you and your daughter find Many Blessings amidst all your changes.

Shaman