blessed4x

So we are no go on the divorce for tomorrow. In usual fashion, STBXAH bucked the system, procrastinated, and didn't get his part done in time. So we have a 3 week continuance. I know it's not forever, but today it sure feels like it.

Looking for the silver lining, I realized that he was to have the kids for the 4th this year, so I will probably get to spend the holiday with them instead. He's not interested in doing any visitation until the courts say so, so I'm gonna focus on loving every extra minute I've got with the kiddos!

FunnyOne

Good for you. But I need to question something, because I am in the same place, why would you give up a holiday or any day to a man that doesn't want his children unless the courts say so? I plan on using the fact that my husband hasn't asked to see and be with my son more than 6 times in three months to counteract his attempt to look to the "court" as if he is a concerned father. My son doesn't need that kind of parenting.

Pelican

Help me out with this:

He's not contesting the divorce, as far as we know; but he is just lazy in getting his basic answer to your petition for divorce, right?

If so, that could be good news. Contesting your petition would mean a lot of work on his part. He may decide it's better to take the offer on the table than be buried under all the extra paperwork. (I sure felt like I was doing everyone's paperwork when I got divorced, the legal secretary just typed it up pretty)

Enjoy your evening.

Relax and Rejoice and all things will come to you.

blessed4x

He is not drinking as far as I know, he is not a danger to his kids, and he has a very close relationship with one of them (sad I know). From the research I've done and the experts I've spoken with, including my counselor and attorney, it would do more damage to the kids to keep them from seeing him. Now if he starts drinking again or I sense any danger I will move heaven and earth to put an end to it. I did have a clause put in the final draft that he may not drink or be under the influence during his parenting time......hard to enforce I know.

Pelican....he is not contesting. Just never returned his attorney's calls to get everything signed "because it costs money every time he picks up the phone".

My attorney said today that in 27 years of practicing law she has never worked with anyone quite like him.....and I had the privelege of being married to him for 22 of those years.

FunnyOne

I understand giving him the kids if he asks for them specifically....but you said you will have them because he WON'T unless the courts say so. I have worked really hard on this because I think it is really hurting my son that his dad doesn't plan time for him...but that's not my dog. My son will have to come to the realization that he is not a priority in his dad's life. I will hopefully have given him the life skills to deal with that. But I am no longer the frontwoman in making sure my husband has a relationship with his kids. My poor pitiful man once said early on before I learned this lesson, "Well he doesn't plan things either! Jeesh. Who is the parent here?

Daisy30

sorry to hear that ((()))) hopefully he can get it done this next time.

blessed4x

FunnyOne.....He has said he will take them per scheduled agreement once the divorce is final. I won't do a thing to coerce him into doing so if he changes his mind. He promised the 2 youngest all day with him last Saturday and Sunday and had them for 2 1/2 hours. I was furious....they didn't seem so upset. My oldest doesn't really want anything to do with him, and I'm okay with that, he's nearly an adult (17 1/2)/

I worry most that STBXAH will make promises he doesn't deliver on. But I know that if I stay constant, and do what I say I will with them they will soon see who is the reliable parent....but then they probably know that now.

MeHandle

I was talking to my group leader one day while she was going through her divorce. Oh course she had to deal with him not getting his stuff done ontime among other things.

I thought," Man, some ex-partners of active alcoholics should get together and write a book about what it is like to get through a divorce to an active alcoholic. There is a book just in this."

MeHandle

Oooh, I almost peed my pants!!!!!!!!!!!! lollollollollol

See there is a book here, with the humor of having no control and having to be patient. (Hey remind me of this in a few months :-)

MissFixit

Blessed,

So what fun things will you guys do on the fourth?

Miss

blessed4x

We may go down to the small town where my mom lives. It's a true heart of American town with a quaint square where people bring fried chicken and watermelon and camp out on the lawn to watch the firework display.

Our other option is going to a major league baseball game and watching a huge display. Probably a little more stressful with all of the people and parking chaos....but the kids love that too.

I WON'T be listening to a slurring, stumbling alcoholic gripe about how I need to lighten up and let the kids have a little fun with explosives.....a first for many years! Holidays trigger a little PTSD for me, as they have always involved walking on eggshells. I can't wait to start some new traditions!!

MissFixit

Hi,

Those sound like two great options. I love the small town picnic/fireworks thing. Those type of July 4ths/Memorial Days/Labor Days have always been my favorite. (Full disclosure...I know nothing about professional sports).

Do you bring a covered dish which everyone shares, or is it separate family/friend picnics at the town square?

Miss

blessed4x

Seperate picnic.......maybe I could have my mom teach me how to fry chicken. Now that's a thought!

MissFixit

Fried chicken...yum.

That's awesome if you could get your mom's frying instructions.

My gramdmother and mom can fry really good chicken. I cannot, but tried to fry once. My apartment smelled for probably 2 weeks following. I forgot to open windows and turn on the stove fan...

Startingover2

Enjoy the fourth with your kids. Think of it as your Independence Day.

I too won't miss sitting here while exh is passed out on the couch or being loud and obnoxious. We could never go anywhere as he just wanted to be a drunk at home alone.

TakingCharge999

Enjoy your time with the kids, you are blessed to have them more time than you thought. The picnic sounds lovely. As for ex AH, as others have written

- stop being surprised
- I just do not expect anything from active addicts

Good for you for leaving that madness. I guess the beginnings are always tough, but fast forward a few years, you will be much better and all this will be a thing of the past.

MeHandle

I would go anyway. :-) But still in the last couple years I became way less active then I was. However, I believe God used this, stripped a lot away from me so that i would be still and be able to recognize just how progressive things had gotten.

People who know us would joke with me and ask where I was hiding AH. With my solo activities that would have get togethers inviting the family, they would joke asking if I really had a husband.

ReadyToHelp

Too bad you can't do the paperwork for him. I bought my XABF the boxes he used to move out. And I gave him nice plastic Rubbermaid bins I had stuff in. I left my stuff right on the floor. LOL. Whatever it took to get him out on time! I bought the tape, too. There wasn't going to be any excuse for his not packing and not leaving!

Well, at least July 4th will be fun!! That's a benefit. And trust me, 3 weeks isn't a long time, although it feels like it! I remember like it was yesterday, when it was 27 days before May 31st, and I made it - and May 31st came and my XABF went! With the boxes, my bins and FOUR of MY FORKS!!

LOL.

ItsmeAlice

Ready, time does fly doesn't it?!

She's right, blessed, three weeks will be gone in a flash.


Hang in there.

Alice