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?? about recovery

Old 06-17-2009, 03:55 PM
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?? about recovery

My AH had told me he is quitting, at first he said he could drink been and would be fine until the other day he had 6 in the evening. I was very upset by this and told him that I didn't think that he could do it that way...and he ultimately agreed after saying it was really only 2 because he poured them in big glasses....interesting rationale. Anyway, having been only 24 hours agot he seems very tired, irritated and frustrated already....symptome\ of withdrawl maybe? Anyway, what is my role now....what am I supposed to do to support him? I am afraid he is quitting for me, not really that he thinks he needs too - anyway, can anyone share what it was like when their A spouse first decided to stop? What can I expect? He is doing it alone - no rehab nothing?
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Old 06-17-2009, 04:03 PM
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I have to be honest and say there are days I cringe when I see the word 'recovery' thrown about so loosely.

Abstinence only does not equal recovery. The drinking is only a symptom. Take away the drink, with no true recovery in place, and well, you most likely will not have a happy camper around the house.

I've known people who've stayed dry for decades with no recovery, and they are some of the most miserable people I know.

I've also met people in AA with a couple of months in recovery, and they are delightful to be around.

My best suggestion to you would be to find some Alanon meetings for face to face support for yourself, and leave his program, or lack thereof, to himself.

:ghug :ghug
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Old 06-17-2009, 04:22 PM
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Perhaps you want to see if he is serious and suggest a detox program. I hear detox is dangerous if done on your own. MY AH (see people I dropped the R, just because he isn't drinking doesn't make him R) took my son out to tell him he was going into rehab and said, "I'll have to have a few drinks or I'll be flipping out." Luckily, we have a restaurant within walking (staggering) distance of our house. First days in detox he called me every day with news of withdrawal, sweating, heart rate, quack quack.

Let the experts handle detox, and take a bubble bath while they do.
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Old 06-17-2009, 04:26 PM
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I apologize for using recovery that way....I am trying to use the correct terms and am new to all of this. Thank you for your thoughts!
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Old 06-17-2009, 04:29 PM
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No need for apologies! I really think we both need to understand that abstinence doesn't equal recovery. We are in a learning curve you and I, and there's no such thing as a stupid question or idea!
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Old 06-17-2009, 04:43 PM
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Having an addiction treatment plan is what helped me as an addict. I worked with a therapist at the start to formulate a plan that addressed my needs for recovery. By practicing my recovery plan is what that keeps me sober and helps me work through those issues of mine that could be a hindrance to my recovery.
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Old 06-17-2009, 04:43 PM
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.I am trying to use the correct terms and am new to all of this
Welcome

I would have a look around, read all of the "stickies" and read the "classic reading" and I would look for older threads with "AH decided to stop drinking"

You would note one thing they all have in common, the folks who "decide" to stop drinking, especially without a program of recovery.

None of them stopped drinking.

Then my thought process would go something like this.

I have a husband that drinks. His drinking affects me.

Where can I go to find recovery?

That would be therapy and Alanon.

The only recovery you need to worry about is your own whether he quits drinking or not, and not drinking for 24 hours isn't "recovery", it's "going on the wagon for a day or two to get the heat off."

The "stories" should start within the next 48 hours, actually, truthfully they already have :

My AH had told me he is quitting, at first he said he could drink bee(r) and would be fine until the other day he had 6 in the evening.

after saying it was really only 2 because he poured them in big glasses....

having been only 24 hours ago he seems very tired, irritated and frustrated already....

I am afraid he is quitting for me, not really that he thinks he needs too -

He is doing it alone - no rehab nothing?
You are playing "your part" in this "dance as well, best thing you can do is get off the roller coaster, best way to learn how to do that is through therapy and al-anon.

This is ultimately about how YOU feel, not his drinking, the best way I know to change the way I feel is change the way I think, the best (only) to do that is through action such as taking care of myself by attending meetings, getting a sponsor, going to therapy etc.
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Old 06-17-2009, 06:05 PM
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No apologies necessary on the terminology.

I read Freedom's post as more of an observation of what addicts pass off as recovery sometimes. Codependents can peak the same kind of folly of course, but recently there have been a number of threads that point out misdeeds and poor behavior by addicted loved ones who say it's all in the pursuit of their recovery, which is a load of hooey.

True recovery for your AH wouldn't look like this, smell like this, or feel like this, right?

The role you have in his pursuit of recovery is audience, and that is only if you have to be around for it, which you do not. He has to seek it out. He has to detox. He has to work the program. He has to make his amends. He has to live his life towards sobriety every day.

You didn't cause this. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it.

Time to learn more about what your role in your own recovery is.

Said with love...keep posting.

Alice
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