I'd be OK if it weren't for you!
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
I'd be OK if it weren't for you!
Ive just read the thread about the excuses A's make, but that bit really got me. I'd be OK if it weren't for you! My AH said so many things about me for months and months when he was out, I knew nothing of it and would walk into a social situation thinking there was my husband, my loyal husband, who would have just been telling our mutual friends, oh kill joy will be here soon and "I cant stand being in the house with her" and god knows what else, because these things are just slowly coming out in conversation. My friend keeps telling me snippets and isnt meaning to hurt me because she thinks I understand that it was the drink talking, his excuses, but it does hurt even though I do know that. This morning, five months since he left, I was in the shower and I just felt like breaking down again, its a while since Ive felt like that..I feel so angry with him especially as hes been trying to get in contact with me via my sister, and I just think I have so much stuff I want to say, or YELL at him, but I will never do it, my dignity is too important, his lies and deceit are worth nothing..but I wish I had an outlet...I do not know for one minute why he thinks I would want to be in touch, what he could possibly ever say that I would want to listen to....were still married on paper but I just do not have to talk to him ever....there is such a thing as solicitor and postal service, thats all I need.
The thing is that I just feel so so angry that he could have been such a traitor, humiliating me without my knowing. I thought he was my soul mate, that he loved me, I know its all irrational and Ive read so much I know the way it really is, but I cant help feeling so let down, I was a really codie I know that, but he had absolutely no respect for me, I was living in this house with a man who hated me, I was living a lie, our marriage was a sham and Im scared to wonder at what point that happened, how much time I wasted on a man who didnt care less...why didnt he leave for good sooner, he left me often enough and came back when I begged him...this time I didnt, this time was different, I knew he was gone for good and I knew I wouldnt ever ask him to come home, ooh I feel all confused and wish my logic and understanding of this disease would finally kick in and stop me feeling emotionally abused from afar and over and over again as I find the smallest snippet is yet another example of his cruel insanity but sits like a stone, weighing me down with nowhere for it to go.. I have to rise above this, I just wish I could have some way of balancing the books..maybe my refusal of all contact is the only control or balance I will get, at least I have that. Thanks for listening to this terrible ramble, but I hate so much that he thought our life together was so terrible, when it was his drinking that was so terrible and his poisonous way of thinking...his geographical cure wont work, I hear they never do..but it wasnt me, he has made it about me..its so unfair.. Lillyx
The thing is that I just feel so so angry that he could have been such a traitor, humiliating me without my knowing. I thought he was my soul mate, that he loved me, I know its all irrational and Ive read so much I know the way it really is, but I cant help feeling so let down, I was a really codie I know that, but he had absolutely no respect for me, I was living in this house with a man who hated me, I was living a lie, our marriage was a sham and Im scared to wonder at what point that happened, how much time I wasted on a man who didnt care less...why didnt he leave for good sooner, he left me often enough and came back when I begged him...this time I didnt, this time was different, I knew he was gone for good and I knew I wouldnt ever ask him to come home, ooh I feel all confused and wish my logic and understanding of this disease would finally kick in and stop me feeling emotionally abused from afar and over and over again as I find the smallest snippet is yet another example of his cruel insanity but sits like a stone, weighing me down with nowhere for it to go.. I have to rise above this, I just wish I could have some way of balancing the books..maybe my refusal of all contact is the only control or balance I will get, at least I have that. Thanks for listening to this terrible ramble, but I hate so much that he thought our life together was so terrible, when it was his drinking that was so terrible and his poisonous way of thinking...his geographical cure wont work, I hear they never do..but it wasnt me, he has made it about me..its so unfair.. Lillyx
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I agree. That was an awesome rant! It's like you know in your mind what is right/wrong, but your heart still needs to catch up. I think it will, Lily, in time. It just takes a lot of time to let go of a big love, the one you thought was going to be for a lifetime. Don't beat yourself up, do allow yourself to feel all those emotions still, then release them. Are you seeing anyone, like a therapist? Maybe you DO need to verbally let this all out with another person?
I know I spent a lot of time driving in my car, yelling outloud (had kids at home!) and that was very healthy for me.
I know I spent a lot of time driving in my car, yelling outloud (had kids at home!) and that was very healthy for me.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
The betrayal in all its forms really hurts, I know. I see a counsellor and she has helped me get out all that poisonous resentment that was clouding my mind. She helped me articulate my anger - even when I didn't realise I was angry! Having someone neutral to talk to who would listen to what I had to say and help me recognise my feelings when I was at my most confused was priceless.
I really recommend getting some counselling, it worked for me!
Journalling helped me too and still does!
I really recommend getting some counselling, it worked for me!
Journalling helped me too and still does!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
Lilly - I understand your pain. Each time my XABF (we were together for 3 years) would drink he would start blaming everything on me. He would call me the most vile names , tell me he hated me and to get the **** out of his house. (Mind you, I moved to his state away from my family and friends because we were supposed to be getting married)
He once even told me he had to drink the 20+ years before he met me to prepare himself for me. Believe it or not I can laugh about that one now.
I guarantee you that anyone who knows your AH well also knows that this is not your fault no matter how much he blames you. He has to blame you because if he blames the person really responsible (himself) he would have to take action to correct the situation. By blaming you he is "buying time" to continue to drink. If you shift your perspective a little you will see the things his is saying for what they really are - a sad, pathetic attempt to place responsibility for his choices/problems on someone else.
I appauld you for not begging him to come back the last time. You are standing up for yourself and protecting yourself.
Each time I start to get angry with my XABF I take a moment and think of the peace of mind and possibilities I have open to me now. It helps .
He once even told me he had to drink the 20+ years before he met me to prepare himself for me. Believe it or not I can laugh about that one now.
I guarantee you that anyone who knows your AH well also knows that this is not your fault no matter how much he blames you. He has to blame you because if he blames the person really responsible (himself) he would have to take action to correct the situation. By blaming you he is "buying time" to continue to drink. If you shift your perspective a little you will see the things his is saying for what they really are - a sad, pathetic attempt to place responsibility for his choices/problems on someone else.
I appauld you for not begging him to come back the last time. You are standing up for yourself and protecting yourself.
Each time I start to get angry with my XABF I take a moment and think of the peace of mind and possibilities I have open to me now. It helps .
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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Lilly,
There was a time when I found it helpful to journal about what was going on, because the words and actions just didn't line up. I needed to see it in black and white to truly understand the craziness that was my life.
Once I was no longer living with my A, I went thru some very weird times. I was happy, I was sad, I didn't know what to do with myself as I had been tangled up with him and his stuff for so very long. I was learning about codependency and what that meant for me... but I was also going thru grief. I had suffered a very real and profound loss - the loss of my dream, my hopes and my plans for a future with my husband. It took a loving and gentle sponsor AND a good therapist to help me recognize that and work thru it.
I learned the stages of grief. I also learned that you have to go thru all of them... I just wanted to skip over a few since they looked so painful. I also struggled with the whole idea, as no one had actually died... but they taught me that I had experienced a profound loss with the loss of my dream, and I would grieve it as though it had died.
The 5 stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Maybe this will help you work thru your feelings a bit. I was really surprised at how angry I got after he was gone. I honestly expected everything to just be wonderful once the chaos and craziness was out of my life.
This is a great and safe place to vent.
Big hugs
Cats
There was a time when I found it helpful to journal about what was going on, because the words and actions just didn't line up. I needed to see it in black and white to truly understand the craziness that was my life.
Once I was no longer living with my A, I went thru some very weird times. I was happy, I was sad, I didn't know what to do with myself as I had been tangled up with him and his stuff for so very long. I was learning about codependency and what that meant for me... but I was also going thru grief. I had suffered a very real and profound loss - the loss of my dream, my hopes and my plans for a future with my husband. It took a loving and gentle sponsor AND a good therapist to help me recognize that and work thru it.
I learned the stages of grief. I also learned that you have to go thru all of them... I just wanted to skip over a few since they looked so painful. I also struggled with the whole idea, as no one had actually died... but they taught me that I had experienced a profound loss with the loss of my dream, and I would grieve it as though it had died.
The 5 stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Maybe this will help you work thru your feelings a bit. I was really surprised at how angry I got after he was gone. I honestly expected everything to just be wonderful once the chaos and craziness was out of my life.
This is a great and safe place to vent.
Big hugs
Cats
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Tryingtobefree.. my goodness, I can really relate to everything in your post. The 20 yr prior drinking statement shows us how 'crazy' they think!. Mine use to tell me, when he was drunk, how he can see why my xhusband would beat me.. (that was a red flag, made me worry that he would try to pull the same stuff)
Lilly, after 11 months I still go through crying stages. I journal every day. I reread rant letters I wrote to the AXBF the days right after he left. It helps me see exactly what was going on at that time so I don't fall back on the 'good times' and think it was all in my head. SR has been a life saver for me too.
Lilly, after 11 months I still go through crying stages. I journal every day. I reread rant letters I wrote to the AXBF the days right after he left. It helps me see exactly what was going on at that time so I don't fall back on the 'good times' and think it was all in my head. SR has been a life saver for me too.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Of course he would be ok if it wasn't for you. That is his sick logic at work. If he didn't have you to blame for his problems it would be someone else. Anything so he doesn't have to take stock of his own problems. Sounds like you had a lucky escape in the end. The loss of the dream or ideal is always very painful to deal with and it's only natural to be angry, not only with the A but with ourselves too, for not "seeing" it sooner, for pretending it wasn't happening, for making excuses and for rationalizing their awful behaviour. But you did get out and you're trying to move on, that in itself is a huge acheivement.
Try not to waste your energy on hating him, he's not worth it. Love yourself and those who matter instead. *hugs*
Try not to waste your energy on hating him, he's not worth it. Love yourself and those who matter instead. *hugs*
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
My xAH started spreading lies about me and what I did as soon as I left him. He has built a lovely fantasy world for himself where he bears no responsibility for anything bad that happens to him and sincerely believes every bit of it.
Did it hurt when he starting spreading lies about me? A little. Until I internalized the fact that he could and would say and do whatever he needed to try and build himself up and continue to ignor his own issues. It also helped that those who matter to me knew he was making things up.
Did it hurt when he starting spreading lies about me? A little. Until I internalized the fact that he could and would say and do whatever he needed to try and build himself up and continue to ignor his own issues. It also helped that those who matter to me knew he was making things up.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
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FWIW, this goes both ways. I was convinced that there was nothing wrong with ME, except who I married, lol. It was a never-ending power struggle with each of us trying to prove ourselves 'right' and the other 'wrong.' It was a nasty, ugly, mind game that left both of us very damaged and hurt.
L
L
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 220
Have you ever heard the term "Living Well is the Best Revenge"? If you are consumed with anger, resentment, and annimosity you are not living well. I'm not saying you don't deserve or are not entitled to those feelings, just that they will prevent you from reaching your potential happiness. If you wish consolation in the fact that the books will be balanced on your Ex you can take solice that while he is still actively drinking the suffering he is inflicting on himself with alcohol is far worse that anything you could ever do. The agony, despair, fear, and lonliness from alcoholism is a tragedy I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and it is something that will always get progressively worse.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
FWIW, this goes both ways. I was convinced that there was nothing wrong with ME, except who I married, lol. It was a never-ending power struggle with each of us trying to prove ourselves 'right' and the other 'wrong.' It was a nasty, ugly, mind game that left both of us very damaged and hurt.
L
L
and this was my "conclusion":
Have you ever heard the term "Living Well is the Best Revenge"? If you are consumed with anger, resentment, and animosity you are not living well.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 14
For my most intense feelings of anger/sadness/loss/betrayal/whatever else fitsinthiscategory, I found that a really good bout of primal screaming helped me to feel better. Always in my car and where no one else could hear and think I was insane. But it really helped calm me down and start to look at the situation with perspective. Just what worked for me...
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 43
Alcoholics are people transformed by their addiction.
Please remember that alcoholics do not have rational, logical thought processes.
To blame others is an inevitable part of this addiction to divert attention from the real problem - their abuse of alcohol.
For me, it was the most painful part of my AH's descent into serious alcoholism - the ongoing insults and blame aimed at me. I was always on the defensive and deeply hurt by his confusing behaviors and attacks that I knew I didn't deserve. I felt this way for years until I came to Sober Recovery and realized that blaming others for their problems was all a part of this ugly disease and in reality actually had nothing to do with me at all. I learned that no matter who he was married to or who he was around, they would always be the ones getting blamed for all the problems his obsession of alcohol created.
Diverting attention by blaming others for problems alcoholism creates was just one of many behaviors associated with this addiction. Once I realized this, I finally stopped taking was he said so seriously and it hurt a whole lot less when I realized I was in a relationship with an addiction - someone transformed and his thought processes consumed by the need to drink - someone that I no longer knew and not the man I married. I was dealing with someone very troubled and confused that could not think or process information rationally - and started feeling more pity than immense hurt and anger I had felt before.
Please remember that alcoholics do not have rational, logical thought processes.
To blame others is an inevitable part of this addiction to divert attention from the real problem - their abuse of alcohol.
For me, it was the most painful part of my AH's descent into serious alcoholism - the ongoing insults and blame aimed at me. I was always on the defensive and deeply hurt by his confusing behaviors and attacks that I knew I didn't deserve. I felt this way for years until I came to Sober Recovery and realized that blaming others for their problems was all a part of this ugly disease and in reality actually had nothing to do with me at all. I learned that no matter who he was married to or who he was around, they would always be the ones getting blamed for all the problems his obsession of alcohol created.
Diverting attention by blaming others for problems alcoholism creates was just one of many behaviors associated with this addiction. Once I realized this, I finally stopped taking was he said so seriously and it hurt a whole lot less when I realized I was in a relationship with an addiction - someone transformed and his thought processes consumed by the need to drink - someone that I no longer knew and not the man I married. I was dealing with someone very troubled and confused that could not think or process information rationally - and started feeling more pity than immense hurt and anger I had felt before.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
Thank you all for your insightful posts...Peaceteach, im amazed you managed to decipher that, but you are right..my heart won't listen to my head yet! Im going to try some screaming and I will write down everything I want to say in handwriting and then put it away for the autumn, when I will read it again (or maybe not) and put it in the first fire of the winter in my stove - by then I hope to have moved on somewhat. Ive always been one for writing but Ive been stuck on this, my writing has been here really...I can look back at my posts and see how Ive moved on too at some stage, but not yet, as I said, my head hasnt caught up yet! I do hope I haven't made too many grammatical errors in my reply!! Thank you all again so much, my love Lillyxxx
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks everyone for this thread.. it really helps to know you are not alone.
I agree once you realize they are totally lost on addiction, it hurts less... the problem for me was thinking that it was the nice guy I met saying and doing all these horrible things to ME. But its true, they are no longer themselves, they turn to puppets of addiction and then you know you cannot expect ANYTHING from them. They are just a time bomb walking and then you actually start feeling relief as you were able to get away from this shadow. Most of AHs and people involved never seek help and keep enganged until the AH dies. Maybe its because after 9 months I am just starting the anger phase fully, and yes I have to admit I have wanted "revenge" so bad.. even if they mask it for a while, they are AHs, they will always be if they do not seek help, and its only madness and misery by the end.. even if things seem wonderful for a while.. its all fake. Time to grieve the person we knew / sometimes in my better moments, I start feeling gratitude for knowing this guy before addiction took over. The person he is now is an unknown and I draw strength knowing who was his best friend is also dumbfounded regarding his changes.. so its not only me. Its a real problem. Its a horrible disease my dear and I hope God helps you through these difficult times. The disease of alcoholism is incredibly hurtful and destructive, but as long as you seek help, you will be OK... please do not battle this alone.
Thanks for inspiring me, I like to journal and immediately burn the papers. I do not want to read what I have wrote before and rehash my hurt. I just want to burn it all and give it back to the ether where it belongs, not on my shoulders or my heart. All the best Lilly.
I agree once you realize they are totally lost on addiction, it hurts less... the problem for me was thinking that it was the nice guy I met saying and doing all these horrible things to ME. But its true, they are no longer themselves, they turn to puppets of addiction and then you know you cannot expect ANYTHING from them. They are just a time bomb walking and then you actually start feeling relief as you were able to get away from this shadow. Most of AHs and people involved never seek help and keep enganged until the AH dies. Maybe its because after 9 months I am just starting the anger phase fully, and yes I have to admit I have wanted "revenge" so bad.. even if they mask it for a while, they are AHs, they will always be if they do not seek help, and its only madness and misery by the end.. even if things seem wonderful for a while.. its all fake. Time to grieve the person we knew / sometimes in my better moments, I start feeling gratitude for knowing this guy before addiction took over. The person he is now is an unknown and I draw strength knowing who was his best friend is also dumbfounded regarding his changes.. so its not only me. Its a real problem. Its a horrible disease my dear and I hope God helps you through these difficult times. The disease of alcoholism is incredibly hurtful and destructive, but as long as you seek help, you will be OK... please do not battle this alone.
Thanks for inspiring me, I like to journal and immediately burn the papers. I do not want to read what I have wrote before and rehash my hurt. I just want to burn it all and give it back to the ether where it belongs, not on my shoulders or my heart. All the best Lilly.
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