Long-term separated - feelings toward ex?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Long-term separated - feelings toward ex?
I am just curious about how those of you who have been separated from your ex's for a while now feel about your ex?
My ex and I broke up 2.5 years ago. He is living with someone new, still drinking a lot and going to strip clubs. I am not seeing anyone and haven't really had a serious relationship in that time.I have had intermittent interactions with him about the house, mostly negative, (which (Finally) will be sold friday). I saw him probably for the last time last night.
It was strange. No anger. I appreciated his sense of humor and sort of missed his sense of humor and sense of fun. I don't think I would ever want him back, but I actually feel a little sad.
My ex and I broke up 2.5 years ago. He is living with someone new, still drinking a lot and going to strip clubs. I am not seeing anyone and haven't really had a serious relationship in that time.I have had intermittent interactions with him about the house, mostly negative, (which (Finally) will be sold friday). I saw him probably for the last time last night.
It was strange. No anger. I appreciated his sense of humor and sort of missed his sense of humor and sense of fun. I don't think I would ever want him back, but I actually feel a little sad.
I think sad described it for me the last time I saw my EXAH. It was probably around 3 years after I left him. He called me because he was in outpatient treatment, and didn't have any family attending like the other guys did (these were all parolees).
I'm not sure why I agreed to go, but I did. He wasn't the man I had remembered. He somehow looked like a stranger to me, it's hard to explain.
That was the last time I saw him in person.
He called me out of the blue maybe 8 years after that to see if I had ever been tested for HIV because he was in the clinical stages of AIDS.
He passed away three years ago last month.
I'm not sure why I agreed to go, but I did. He wasn't the man I had remembered. He somehow looked like a stranger to me, it's hard to explain.
That was the last time I saw him in person.
He called me out of the blue maybe 8 years after that to see if I had ever been tested for HIV because he was in the clinical stages of AIDS.
He passed away three years ago last month.
Honestly, even though it's been 5-6 years from separation/divorce to now, I still worry about him, feel bad for him, and wish his life would be different. He's so unhappy, and so alone. Still breaks my heart if I allow myself to go there, so I don't. I just keep the wall up, and the no contact in place. But I hear a lot from my children about him; he's still their father.
Last edited by peaceteach; 06-16-2009 at 06:22 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Last time I saw my AH he was in extremely rough shape - he had lost a lot of weight and was drinking very heavily. At the time I was extremely angry and hurt with him. It's been 9 months now and my world is vastly improved.
I've filed for my divorce. When I sent the divorce information to him I did hear back from him and I felt nothing when I read the acknowledgment. No anger, no tears, no frustrations, no worry, no negativity.
The man that I knew and loved is gone and what is left is a man that I do not know nor want to know. I'm ok with that now, my grieving is finished. I'll never accept second best from anyone ever again.
It's a process and for me I believe the time lines are different for everyone. It's ok to feel sad, angry, hurt, they are your feelings and you are entitled to them. Like I said for me it's a process, it takes time.
I've filed for my divorce. When I sent the divorce information to him I did hear back from him and I felt nothing when I read the acknowledgment. No anger, no tears, no frustrations, no worry, no negativity.
The man that I knew and loved is gone and what is left is a man that I do not know nor want to know. I'm ok with that now, my grieving is finished. I'll never accept second best from anyone ever again.
It's a process and for me I believe the time lines are different for everyone. It's ok to feel sad, angry, hurt, they are your feelings and you are entitled to them. Like I said for me it's a process, it takes time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Its been 2 years since I left, 1 year since the divorce. All I have is a lingering sadness that he is still deep in denial and living in a fantasy world that is slowly killing him. Its such a waste of a life. But I rarely think of him anymore except when something pops up related to the marriage that I have to deal with yet.
We broke up 3 years ago and i've seen him around on and off since being that we live in the same town. It feels like I don't know him anymore and he seems like more of a stranger to me than anything. I feel badly for the girl he's begun to date b/c she really seems like a nice person. He's "settling down" with her so surely, she's an enabler.
Today he came to my office to see if I would have lunch with him. He looked like a used up rockstar trying to make his comeback. I declined lunch, knowing that there was nothing good for me in that. Now I feel a little sadness, betrayal and even some anger but definitely no regret.
Thank you all for being here today. I really needed to read this.
Today he came to my office to see if I would have lunch with him. He looked like a used up rockstar trying to make his comeback. I declined lunch, knowing that there was nothing good for me in that. Now I feel a little sadness, betrayal and even some anger but definitely no regret.
Thank you all for being here today. I really needed to read this.
Me too.
I remember when we were still living apart from each other, when he visited me he was thinner and thinner.
Now I know he was drinking. It is so obvious now.
I really hope I get to the point of total indifference, it seems so far.
I remember when we were still living apart from each other, when he visited me he was thinner and thinner.
Now I know he was drinking. It is so obvious now.
I really hope I get to the point of total indifference, it seems so far.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,024
I was the A in the marriage, we've been divorced for almost 4 years, seperated for a half year longer than that. To say there haven't been hard feelings would be an understatement. It's been one battle after another for much of the time.
She had affairs with coworkers and ended up marrying one of them after we were done. That's still the biggest resentment I carry around, that someone could come in and break up our marriage and our family without a second thought. It's taken me a long time to learn that I don't have to accept that kind of behavior. A woman from my CoDA group described it last night as "sticking my hand into a cage to pet a rabid tiger". I have zero desire to have a friendship with my ex or her new husband, there's no reason to subject myself to untreated codependency and poor morals.
When she kicked me out of our home she commented that she wanted to be with someone who could drink normally, and my faith in a Higher Power disgusted her, she always despised any talk of religion or God. For me, the woman I married, who talked about growing old and spending the rest of our lives together, had ceased to exist. I didn't know who she was, I'm sure the feeling was mutual. Nope, I'd never want to go back to that shallow life, the future holds so much more for me and our children.
She had affairs with coworkers and ended up marrying one of them after we were done. That's still the biggest resentment I carry around, that someone could come in and break up our marriage and our family without a second thought. It's taken me a long time to learn that I don't have to accept that kind of behavior. A woman from my CoDA group described it last night as "sticking my hand into a cage to pet a rabid tiger". I have zero desire to have a friendship with my ex or her new husband, there's no reason to subject myself to untreated codependency and poor morals.
When she kicked me out of our home she commented that she wanted to be with someone who could drink normally, and my faith in a Higher Power disgusted her, she always despised any talk of religion or God. For me, the woman I married, who talked about growing old and spending the rest of our lives together, had ceased to exist. I didn't know who she was, I'm sure the feeling was mutual. Nope, I'd never want to go back to that shallow life, the future holds so much more for me and our children.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
I havent seen or heard anything about my XAH in well over 6 months now since I moved away temperarily for work....its been a good thing for me.....I have been divorced since Oct 06 and its been difficult even tho he married his drinking "buddy".. But the last time that I saw him he looked soooo very different to me and I had to take a second look to even see a resemblence of the man who left us. Sad Sad Sad indeed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seaford new york
Posts: 1
i can relate my ex left about 18 months ago and sometimes when i see him i am mixed between sadness or feeling relief, just as soon as i get mushy and remember only the good times, something pops that bubble and reality sets in, iwas lucky to get out of an unheallthy relationship
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,024
Glad you're here brokehart, welcome. Please introduce yourself on these forums so we can get to know you better, and share your story if you'd like. This is a wonderful place for support, I hope you feel comfortable here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
I feel sadness much of the time. I still have alot of interaction with exah due to our having a toddler together. I still look at him and wonder where the man I fell in love with is. Now I know he was never there...I just wanted him to be something he isn't capeable of. He can't be faithful to me or anyone else as evidenced still by his behaviors. He has women in utter turmoil most of the time just like I was.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)