Ganurse1957

Hello
I am new here. This is my first posting, so I will give you a brief history. My son is 28. He has had an alcohol and marijuana addiction for years. He was married with 2 kids. His wife had the same addictions. It has always created a problem in the family because they did not work. My father, who is 87 has always supported them financially. It doesnt matter how much he has been asked not to give them money, he will do it. The way it is with the addictions, he gets to spend a lot of time with the great grandchildren if he continues to give out the money. If the money stops, he fears he would not be allowed to see the children.

On April 23, I received a call from my sons wife asking me to come over because he was drinking heavily and acting out. This was a strange thing for her to do since they basically lived in isolation and normally wouldnt let anyone come over. When I got there, my son was acting crazy, yelling, cussing and so forth. I had seen my son drunk many times but had never ever seen that type of behavior. He is normally the type of drunk who just sits quietly in his own drunkedness and didnt want to be bothered. I called 911 and asked for an ambulance to take him the hospital. They sent the police instead and refused medical help. The police did not question me, only my DIL. I dont know what she told them, but the next thing I knew, my son was being taken off to jail with 6 charges.
The next day, My DIL announced she wanted a divorce and wanted my son to stay in jail. Also went to my father demanding he continue to pay her bills.
I had the gut feeling at that time that my son had either been drugged or royally set up. In any case, it came out about 3 days later that she had been seeing someone for a few months.

I got my son out of jail after 7 days with the agreement that he could live with me as long as he would go to AA, didnt drink, smoke weed and had to look for a job. He agreed to my terms. Everything was great for the first month. He went to 4 to 5 AA meetings a week, was very open with the family and was actively seeking work. Then, my DIL asked him to come over. They had sex. Afterward, she got on her laptop and showed him pics of her new boyfriend, showed him emails they had exchanged, etc....Well, this totally set him off in the backward direction. He started drinking. She sent me a text saying, "well, he is drunk again, guess he really is a useless piece of sh**".....That was about 2 weeks ago and I believe he has been drinking everyday. He is staying away until bedtime and not answering the phone when I call.

The problem I have is all the anger I feel toward him about his lies and betrayals. He can walk into my home, drunk and look me in the face and deny it, thinking I am gonna believe it. There is part of me that feels really bad for all he has been through with this girl, losing his children, etc.....but the other part is just ANGRY that he wont listen.

I know this story isnt different from pretty much any other alcoholics family members. I just wondered if anyone can give any insight. I pray, have faith
and try to let God do the rest. I do fine until I see him. Then I cant stop the anger from coming out. I feel that I am now contributing to his reason to drink list.....any suggestions, advice....

TakingCharge999

Hello Ganurse, welcome to SR. This is a wonderful site full of experience, strength and hope.

I am sure others, wiser than I am (not very difficult!) will be here to greet you soon.

I would like to remind you you do not figure on the equation.

Anything at all is a reason to drink for him.

There are 3 Cs:

/ You did not cause his problem
/ You cannot control it
/ You cannot cure him

There are other 2 Cs that are on our side of the story:

/ We should not 'count' the drinks or judge their recovery or lack of recovery - we are not God.
/ We should not cooperate with the addiction, saving a drinker from the consequences of his actions.

And there is a special P I stole from a poster that goes as "anvilhead":

/ It was never your job to prevent all this.

Have you tried any Al Anon meetings in your area?

smacked

I'm actually pretty sure most of the stories are all very unique..

So he's still in AA? But drinking? Did he cross the boundary you set allowing him to live there? Or has he moved out since he busted your rules?

The rest sounds like drama that doesn't involve you (nor should his drinking or decisions about sobriety, but he is in your house.. so I get that part).

I don't have advice for you, but other folks will be around with great words

covington

How are the two kids? Is there a chance you could babysit them?

I do wonder if you really think your frustration is the problem here, Maybe your frustration is a natural reaction to not wanting to see be in pain / see him in pain. I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that the urge to scream "STOP IT" isn't likely to help him, and it is likely frustrate you more.

Are you responsible for being tangled up in his lies and betrayals? If I'd been on the board longer I'd just say YES.

But I'm kind of dodging my responsibility. I'm kind of wanting to blame him for my anger eating me up. If I could push a magic button and erase from the universe all the times I yelled and berated and condemned someone for acting in ways I didn't approve of--would I push that button? I'm honestly not sure. I guess yeah, I would take back that anger. It ate up my insides.

I quit yelling, and quit wanting to yell when I realized he'd emotionally checked out long ago and just liked taking what he could get without giving in return. So long as I gave to someone who was not giving in return I just wore myself plum out. And that's when I quit yelling.

Kudos to Anvilhead--let him have his life--take back yours. If you can't stop the anger from coming out when you see him, don't see him. If you do, you're violating your own rules of self preservation, and self care.

I'm glad you shared your story. Maybe the mystery is why God gave you this anger--and what you will choose to do with it, is how you choose to thank God, and accept that gift.

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?
-Camus

cmc

Alot of unfair things happened to my son when he was using drugs and living irresponsibly.

He also 'got away' with alot of things that he did. Either way they were his problems to
figure out, not mine.

Freedom1990

Why is he still being allowed to walk into your home at all?

Of course he agreed to your terms. Where else was he going to go?

He's had your father supporting him, then you bail him out of jail and give him a roof over his head and a bed to sleep in.

Alcoholics don't make changes in their lives until they are allowed to experience the full consequences of their choices.

Now that he's violated the agreement, what are you going to do?

MeHandle

There is nothing wrong with being angry. God says don't sin in your anger. As to contributing for his reason to drink, that is called a false sense of guilt. Unless you are pooring the drink down his throat you are not contributing. It is his choice how he deals with justified anger or someone intentionally hurting him.

But that little statement you made of " Until i see him ": Are you holding a resentment as you are fine until you see him ? Or is the anger momentary when be pops up and your reminded, and you just let go of it in that moment.( this is normal, nothing un-normal about this.) If it is resentment confront it and let it go, until the next time you have a reason to be angry.:-) And "Then i can't stop the anger from coming out": So what do you mean by coming out?Coming out in your emotions and resenting , or being angry and letting him "have it"? If you have already confronted it and it isn't a new issue then try and save yourself the stress of doing the same thing over again.( that little saying about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity :-) It hurts you more then anyone else. If you are letting him "have it" instead of confronting the issue you might want to look at how you can confront the issue and then detach if he does not have a response you can work with. You often can't reason with the alcoholic with a response of stinking thinking, or the no response at all kind of response.

On top of this you have the issue with your dad enabling and being victimized at the same time. Ultimately you can't control that. However, there are ways of intervening in that if you so choose.


I am so sorry for your present struggle. I will be remembering you and your family in my prayers.


love tammy

Ganurse1957

Thanks for all of the responses, they were helpful. I understand the part about kicking him our of my home and that I am allowing him to push through my boundaries by allowing him to stay. I get that. I also get that its not as easy as some of you have stated. I KNOW he has to go. But, I also know that I am not ready to kick him out. Call it enabling cause thats what it is. I have read thousands of postings just like mine and I know that finally kicking them out is the hardest step. If it were so easy, we wouldnt need AA and Al-Anon... That doesnt mean I am going to continue in this way cause I am not. I am working step 1 and am realizing I am powerless over his situation and cannot change (no matter how much I want to) him or his situation. I realize my life has become unmanageable, not because of him, but because of my desire to control and change him.

But, I am working on it and am getting closer everyday to being able to let go and let God.

LucyA

I'm so glad you're reaching out and working on you, I'm the sister of an A and I've seen how alcoholism affects the parents of alcoholics. Look after youself, and know that whatever, you didn't cause it.

Still Waters

Do you have any support? Husband? Friends?

Romey4

Its great that you recognize those things Ganurse. Letting go is extremely difficult, and for some of us takes time. The important thing is that you understand what you need to do, and you will come to terms with it, and hold to your set boundaries, in your time!
Don't lose sight of yourself!

Peace

Ganurse1957

Actually, I have no support. My parents are the major enablers and my daughter is totally disengaged. Since my divorce, I have worked so much that I have never really taken the time to make friends.

Still Waters

Then....maybe some counseling for you? I found that extremely helpful. Also - there are Al-anon and nar-anon meetings just about everywhere (except where I am LOL) that would provide you with a HUGE amount of support.

You are not alone!