C23

I was told to post this here:

I have a question for all my friends out there. Have any of you who are married, and have stopped drinking, been awoken to a list of issues other then drinking that are straining the marriage? I maybe didn't word that right, but it was the best I could do. What I mean is, for so long I thought the only problem my wife and I had in our marriage was the fact that I drank. Being sober now over 2 weeks, my eyes are starting to open to some other issues.

For instance, we haven't been intimate in a LONG time. We did just have our 3rd child, and for a while I thought that, combined with the fact that she was always pissed at me for drinking were the contributing factor to that, but now those factors are gone and still nothing. Now don't get me wrong, I know that with marriage, there is usually the enevitable slow down in the intimacy, but the thing that scares me is that I am not freaking out about it. I still think my wife is attractive, I just don't really have the same "drive" I used to. I am wondering if all the years of poisioning myself has something to do with it.

The next thing I am noticing is we really don't do anything together. She reads a book and i mess around on the computer most nights. We really don't engage in conversation, don't play Yahtzee together (not like we ever have), nothing. I feel we really don't want to be around eachother. Once again, I used to think this was all the booze. When I try and start up a conversation, it seems like I am pulling teeth to get a response. WTF is going on with that?

I am starting to feel like we are just staying together for the kids at this point and I always told myself that if that happen, we need to get a divorce. I am hoping that my sobriety is just so new to our family that it is going to take some adjusting time for her. I asked her about a week ago what was going on and she said that I have just hurt her so many times that she is making sure this time I am serious about all this. I understand her stance, but how long do I need to feel like a kid who got expelled from school or something. It really doesn't seem like the support is there. It feels a lot more like "bout time you SOB, now lets just see if you can keep it up."

Sorry for the long post here everyone but I really needed to get this off my chest. I think her and I may need to go to some marriage counseling (the same therapist who worked with me on the drinking) and work through some issues now that it seems like I got the no drinking thing going. Any advice will be MUCH appreciated as I just feel like I am spinning my wheels here.

Thanks
Chris

Still Waters

You've been sober two weeks? How long did you drink?

Two weeks is great, congratulations! However, it's a very short time to expect changes in your spouse.

GiveLove

Congratulations on your two weeks, Chris. It's hard getting sober, and that's an understatement.

And I don't mean to sound harsh, but....after years of drinking and stopping and relapsing and drinking some more, you've been sober this time for two weeks and you are wondering why everything isn't wonderful between you?

I don't think that's being terribly realistic. Counseling is a great idea, but being patient with the fact that you have likely done a great deal of damage to your marriage, and the detachment and resentments aren't going to go away overnight, might be an equally good idea. You've relapsed many times before, correct? How DOES she know this is for real? You want her to 'be supportive.' That wears very, very thin after years of dealing with alcoholism.

From the perspective of a former partner to an alcoholic (more than one, in fact) by the time my relationships ended, I wanted nothing to do with these men, sober or not. Too much damage had been done, and I didn't even LIKE them any more, let alone want them to touch me. I'd very humbly suggest you work your program like mad, see your counselor, and stay sober, and stop expecting everything to be great overnight.

That she is willing to stay and see whether you can do it this time is a blessing. That you are willing to do the work of getting sober is a blessing. That's two blessings so far. Maybe you can build on that as time goes by, with love and patience. I pray it is so. We all deserve a chance at happiness.

C23

Givelove,

You are not being harsh, you are just being real. I appreciate your honesty and cander. I guess I was just expecting a little shared happiness that I am on a good road to recovery. I guess once I can show her that I am serious this time, all will get better.

Chris

hellokittyII

Hi congrats on the 2 weeks. My husband said the exactly the same thing after 2 weeks of him being sober. I told him to be patient with me after all I had been patient with him. He always needed immediate gratification and could never wait. Always about him. He used this as an excuse to start drinking again. I now have a no contact order on him and I am filing for divorce. Give her time and go to counselling.

Pelican

Hi Chris!

I'm glad you are giving sobriety another shot. Are you trying AA this time? Is your wife in Al-Anon? I'm still sober, but I divorced my active AH. I started attending Al-anon beginning of this year.

My X asked me if I would stay if he got sober, and I told him "No". There is a difference between sober and recovering. There is something about us (addicts) that we are not skilled at handling certain feelings, emotions and situations; therefore, we choose to disappear into our DOC and not deal with it all. So if we get clean and sober, have we really learned how to deal with life on life's terms? No!

Take a look at yourself and your marriage. It took time for the distance to grow and it will take time to make it go away.

My x did get sober. He is in AA, working the steps and has a sponsor. We are friends who support each other in our own programs now.

Peace to you!

Daisy09

Hi Chris,

First, congratulations on two weeks

Now...and please keep in mind that this is coming from a very good place in my heart that fully understands what your wife is going through...

My husband of 16 years is three weeks clean from an 8 month long heroin addiction, and I don't want to sound unsympathetic, but to be quite frank about it, my opinion is:

I am hurt, betrayed, tired, frustrated, scared...so many different emotions. One minute I feel like things are great, the next I'm doubting him and myself. At the moment, I am taking care of me and our kids, and I am letting M take care of his recovery. Trust is something that takes a very long time to rebuild once it has been torn down, and the reality of it is that you, through your actions, have betrayed her trust. She is very understandably scared that you will hurt her again.

She is still there with you, Chris, giving you another chance to earn her trust by showing her through your actions that you love her and will not hurt her again. THAT IS SUPPORT. Appreciate her, Chris, and let her know that you do. You say "I understand her stance BUT..." You need to drop the qualifier. Just understand, empathize, and don't place any conditions on it. Do you consider yourself "Recovered" already after just two weeks? Don't expect her to be, either.

Wishing you and your wife many years of happiness in the future,
Daisy

smacked

it's only been 2 weeks...

be patient, that's just a whisper of sobriety, and I am sure she is terrified to believe it again.

Since you're visiting this "side", take some time to read some of the stories.. maybe you'll gain some insight into the pain caused, the trust squashed, and the hope deflated that often comes with loving an addict.

I hope you have a happy ending, but really..2 weeks..

TakingCharge999

Deep emotional pain does not magically heal in such a short period of time.. it may take months, years.. decades for some.

I agree with smacked, if you are around here it may be illustrative for you to read other threads.

Just by staying she is willing to trust you one more time. I really hope this is for good!

Good luck,
Sandra

whyamistaying

I was thinking the same thing...it's been 2 weeks and you drank more than 2 weeks, right? Lots of hurt, scars, and pain has mostly built up on her end. I bet you promised her that you would stop too and never did. Maybe she wants to make sure you are serious this time.

I am married to an AH. He was in rehab for 30 days so sober for 30 days...it doesn't erase what he did when he was drinking. Not the least bit.

FSquared

After 2 weeks you're probably just now seeing what the situation has been like for years. Give yourself time in sobriety. Give your spouse time too. Hopefully she is doing something for herself too. Relationships are resilient if we let them be. But patience is the key there. You can't rush the healing from all the pain, hurt, resentments, lies, anger, etc....(and that goes for BOTH sides!).

MeHandle

At first I thought your post said 2 years, then I realized it said 2 weeks.

Chris, to the victim of your alcohol abuse on the other end, the wife, this is not even a drop in the bucket on a time scale.

I would advice you read the chapters in the big book given to families and spouses.

As to communication, one perspective is that she has been "alone" while you were drinking,( if not physically from you it was mentally and emotionally) Trusted and intimate communication needs to develope and strengthen with time.( And this is in normal circumstances.) Something that was no longer available to her in your relationship until 2 weeks ago. And i am sure the first few days weren't all that cheerie. This was a demonstration of trust in communication: She actually trusted you enough to communicate this to you, "she said that I have just hurt her so many times that she is making sure this time I am serious about all this."

She is reading a book, you on the computer : I know you said trying to communicate is like pulling teeth, so I will accept your revelation of that. Her response after only 2 weeks is normal. Be patient and keep up your end, it has only been 2 weeks.This is part of how you will be showing that you are serious about your amends in action. Questions are good, even the mundane ones, " What are you reading" " How was your day" " Is there anything I can get you, water?" . Then you could get risky, " So you feel safe in talking to me yet..." " I am open to here how you felt when i was drinking" " How can i serve you on a daily basis as a husband and help in my fathering?" . And if words still don't come, just stay in the same room close by. Might even try being a pillow while she reads a book if she is open to that closeness while reading or just sit close by. You need to know that this is one of the consequence for your behavior of alcohol abuse, a lack and loss of intimacy that needs to be built and/or recovered.

As to the sex, on her part, it has only been 2 weeks. On your end or "drive", well the medical writing say this can happen, a lack of drive and actual impotence sometimes after quitting. If it is just drive as an issue , sex is also a form of communication that sometimes takes work for interest and growth. You just have to choose to "do it" and not get into a pattern of not "doing it." ( Again, this happens in normal situations, but all the more in our kind of situations.) * Now that you are not drinking you may be getting a greater taste of her perspective before you quit, this being not to into sex when there is a lack of soul connection, this being no intimate development through communication.

I set a general rule for myself about sex with my husband, never let 2 weeks go by without sex, unless it couldn't be avoided. In reality I don't think there was many times a week even went by. So basically i am saying that sometimes even sex needs to have a discipline to guide it, for such times as these.:-)
Hopefully , you will get back to the kind of sexual relationship where each partner loses perspective of whether they are giving or receiving and the question of "how long has it been" isn't even a thought. If it was never like this... get a clue.( This then would be a good exercise of communication to have with your wife outside the bedroom. Actually, as a wife I would consider it a normal necessary one.) It might take more then 2 weeks.:-)

In general, my opinion here: I believe that when a person abuses alcohol they lack a true development of healthy intimacy , and thereby emotional maturity. The normal maturing process was given over to the "desire" to drink instead of the desire to love deeply. So at the least, while drinking, that was all lost growth time that should have went to your wife and family with a desire, not alcohol. I say at the least becasue alcohol abuse doesn't only steal the time you spent with it but it steals time you didn't abuse, being the alcohol ( called Spirits) is a lier and a thief.

Don't let is steal anymore then it has already stolen. I say this with the hope of blessing you.

Hope this helps.



love tammy