7 months out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 14
7 months out
Hi all!
I don't know if this will help anyone, but I feel compelled to write it out anyway. I actually just started visiting the site again after a few months away...with no real reason as my XAB is no longer in my life in an active manner. I just wanted to see how everyone was doing!
So we broke up last Thanksgiving and boy! It was hard! This was a man I was supposed to marry and live the rest of my life with! Thank goodness I didn't.....and now it's seven months later and I've been reflecting on what I miss and what I certainly do not miss...so here's my list.
I MISS..
his sober company..the way we could connect and know what the other was thinking and just generally get each other.
cuddling with him watching silly youtube videos and old movies
talking with him daily about our lives
the love making
working out together
I DO Not nor Shall EVER MISS
the crazy making behavior of lies and manipulation
the complete and utter silence on his part when asked a question he didn't want to acknowledge and/or answer honestly
him telling me I was naive to the ways of the world because I was 16 years his junior
him putting his brother's needs ahead of mine all the time
him not announcing our marriage plans to anyone else and actually putting on the whole groaning act whenever it was mentioned after the fact
him coming over with booze on his breath
him driving drunk
him bringing alcohol on vacations
him acting like a jerk on said vacations because he was being PA about not wanting to actually go
him being late whenever he really didn't want to do something, sometimes to the point of making the date/event pointless to attend
his feeling I was checking up on him by kissing him !!
my weak will when refusing to stand up for what I deserve
my inability to hold a conversation with him without crying
in general, the loss of my strong self that I thought I had
I don't know if this will do anyone any good, but it's safe to say for me at least that at this point in my life, I'm much calmer, stronger, and more aware of what I find acceptable. I think the best thing is that I haven't really cried in over 5 months! And this comes from someone who was crying all the time! I mean, every other day if not every day! I hated myself for being that way, but also didn't know how to break the cycle.
We're still in sporadic contact with calls and emails (he's currently deployed again) and I went through a brief period in March where I heard he was dating another woman. Man! Did that send me through the roof but wierdly enough, was also the trigger to release my emotional need for him. At this point, I don't feel anger towards him and I do miss the positive aspects of his character and also believe that when he returns next year it will most likely be possible to maintain a cordial and even friendly relationship with each other. But, we will never be together again, especially after looking at the list I wrote above! And I'm sure there are many more things I could add to the not miss list, but not many more I can add to the miss list....
I love the fact that I feel like a stronger person now...and maybe that's what my personal journey through this mini hell was supposed to do for me. Help me to grow into the person that I can admire, that would stand up for herself and others, and that would not by any means, accept less that what she gives/deserves from another human being. I can't change anyone else but I can certainly change who and what influences I allow into my life.
Hope this helps someone! God Bless!
Weepy
I don't know if this will help anyone, but I feel compelled to write it out anyway. I actually just started visiting the site again after a few months away...with no real reason as my XAB is no longer in my life in an active manner. I just wanted to see how everyone was doing!
So we broke up last Thanksgiving and boy! It was hard! This was a man I was supposed to marry and live the rest of my life with! Thank goodness I didn't.....and now it's seven months later and I've been reflecting on what I miss and what I certainly do not miss...so here's my list.
I MISS..
his sober company..the way we could connect and know what the other was thinking and just generally get each other.
cuddling with him watching silly youtube videos and old movies
talking with him daily about our lives
the love making
working out together
I DO Not nor Shall EVER MISS
the crazy making behavior of lies and manipulation
the complete and utter silence on his part when asked a question he didn't want to acknowledge and/or answer honestly
him telling me I was naive to the ways of the world because I was 16 years his junior
him putting his brother's needs ahead of mine all the time
him not announcing our marriage plans to anyone else and actually putting on the whole groaning act whenever it was mentioned after the fact
him coming over with booze on his breath
him driving drunk
him bringing alcohol on vacations
him acting like a jerk on said vacations because he was being PA about not wanting to actually go
him being late whenever he really didn't want to do something, sometimes to the point of making the date/event pointless to attend
his feeling I was checking up on him by kissing him !!
my weak will when refusing to stand up for what I deserve
my inability to hold a conversation with him without crying
in general, the loss of my strong self that I thought I had
I don't know if this will do anyone any good, but it's safe to say for me at least that at this point in my life, I'm much calmer, stronger, and more aware of what I find acceptable. I think the best thing is that I haven't really cried in over 5 months! And this comes from someone who was crying all the time! I mean, every other day if not every day! I hated myself for being that way, but also didn't know how to break the cycle.
We're still in sporadic contact with calls and emails (he's currently deployed again) and I went through a brief period in March where I heard he was dating another woman. Man! Did that send me through the roof but wierdly enough, was also the trigger to release my emotional need for him. At this point, I don't feel anger towards him and I do miss the positive aspects of his character and also believe that when he returns next year it will most likely be possible to maintain a cordial and even friendly relationship with each other. But, we will never be together again, especially after looking at the list I wrote above! And I'm sure there are many more things I could add to the not miss list, but not many more I can add to the miss list....
I love the fact that I feel like a stronger person now...and maybe that's what my personal journey through this mini hell was supposed to do for me. Help me to grow into the person that I can admire, that would stand up for herself and others, and that would not by any means, accept less that what she gives/deserves from another human being. I can't change anyone else but I can certainly change who and what influences I allow into my life.
Hope this helps someone! God Bless!
Weepy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 75
Twelve days out over here.
I wanted to mention that up in the sticky section there are links to something called smartrecovery (all one word) dot org. It makes me happy to learn there are tons of resources out there if he wants to avail himself of them. Not that I'll point him towards them, it just made me happy to know they exist.
So that site has homework and toolboxes that I think I'll work my way through for me, so I can clean up my front yard.
So earlier this week I told everybody I was going to try to get out of town for the mountains, but, umn, the car sort of blew a head gasket (is that symbolic or what?) due to (ok, doh) my lack of taking care of it. Yeah, I knew the coolant was low, sort of, somewhere in the back of my mind I said, I should check that, and I neglected to take care of my car, and boom, it blew up on the side of the highway at 1 am in a mountian pass so I had to have someone come rescue me, right?
OK, yeah, well, I felt no sorrow when he dropped me and the dog off at the house. I felt no pity, and I saw ten thousand ways in which he is in such severe denial. He picked up the al-anon brochures on the kitchen table to laugh at them. I took them from his hands and read two sentences to him twice. He said "I don't get it". What he doesn't get is that his drinking had a huge impact on me. Huge! I was weeping four times a week, I was hysterical in the shower in the mornings. He was sober only in the morning, and drunk every single night. What did he say on the drive back from the mountains? "Hey, I was sober every morning--I put a lot of work in to making sure we had a nice cup of coffee together and then a big hug goodbye on the way to work." And in retrospect I'm laughing with my best friend two hours after he says this:Oh My Gosh. That was his big effort, he thinks that was somthing to be commended, that he didn't drink 24/7, but he took a few hours off in the morning and he Actually Thinks I Should Have Been Content With That. WOW. One week away from him and I see him as a different person--the person he is--and I see a lot less of the person I thought he was.
"Love is not sitting at home fighting all the time" my friend said. I actually wrote it down in my journal. Why are the MOST obvious things sometimes the least obvious?
cost benefit analyisis
USING OR DOING
(my using, my doing = putting him first before my needs, my friends, my dreams)
pros of being addicted to this relationship
1. drama, heart beats fast
2. don't have to be responsible for focusing on me
3. he says he loves me
4. i could potentially fix him (haha)
5. maybe we could be friends someday
6. he lends a sense of MISGUIDED meaning to maryterdom
cons
1. waste of time
2. throwing good energy after bad
3. lack of balance and mental clarity
4. lies, listening to, beleiving them over and over and over
5. self doubt, feeling blame / blamed
6. want to help; I confuse help with fixing him
7. loss of myth of relationship hurts, grief involved
8. he just isn't that into me
9. he has said EVERY STEP of the way drinking is a part of him
10. he said today (several years into the relationship, he mentions this!!!) yes he admits he is an alcoholic, and yes he tried AA in the past and it failed (thanks for letting me know that FINALLY! You frickin liar, all along you said you weren't an alcoholic and you hated AA, but you didn't say you hated it because you tried it and quit!!!)
11. he has nearly zero awareness that he is drinking to avoid some serious pain or that his drinking hurt me
12. he blames me, oh my gosh, constantly. like the whole break up was my fault for yelling at him for being a drunk. ok, FINE, it's all my fault. now go away.
13. it's a step forward that I've convinced *his therapist* he has a problem (he said this yesterday, and nothing was said about him being convinced he has a problem!!??!!)
14. this relationship has NO FUTURE if that future is predicated on HIM changing cause all signs point to no need to change from his point of view
REFRAINING FROM USING OR DOING
pros
1. let me work out me
2. i've got enough to own, let him work on him
4. refraining gets easier over time
5. refraining makes room for sunsets, yoga, new friends
6. did you hear the YAAAHAOOOO best college friend for fifteen years let out on the phone long distance yesterday when i said xab had moved out?
7. by not seeing him i avoid piling on extra worrying over him
8. sex with someone else would eventually be cool
9. i like these strangers that smile at me in the street
10. i like these strangers that I smile at in the street
11. i like the strangers that wave or when you compliment the beautiful garden they pause and say "you can come by and get one rose every week"
12. the woman yesterday who stopped on the park bench and said "well aren't you beautiful? both of you!" to me and the dog.
12. dreams of old friends, back doors, typewriter lovers, flying airplanes,
14. being SAFE and COZY and WARM and PEACEFUL when I fall asleep.
15. not worrying about him makes space for joy
16. someday i will wake up and will not be in a complete panic wondering what is wrong
17. call from old co-worker when she heard throught he grapevine i'd dumped him. she was the only co-worker i confided in the time i got all bruised up (yeah, drinking and driving, great idea, fantastic. Go Do It Somewhere ELSE!) and her voice message sounded very happy, and she asked if we could get together
18. both of us will suffer less this way, apart from each other.
cons
1. kind of lonely sometimes, except for my friend came over for a fantastic dinner last night and brought me a plant and listened for two hours and is really supportive of all this and she kept asking "are you going to go back" because she knows it's alluring, in some siniser stupid way to think you can go back and fix the broken past
2. yeah, but weren't there like four good times in the past two months?
3. he's got no obligations to this relationship, couldn't stand them anyhow
4. i told him if he moved out that would be it. so that should be it.
5. my anger and my blame are hard to shift away from him onto me for staying. that's going to be really hard to quit, quit blaming him, meditate and remember we simply do not fit. it isn't about the ego, it's about the plane jain facts. we didn't fit.
6. can i really take care of myself and have courage?
I am looking forward to being a month out, or seven months out. I am looking forward to not blaming either of us, and growing up and not thinking the world should be the way I want all the time. Time to face facts. Life is too short not to redecorate the house and fix the car.
I wanted to mention that up in the sticky section there are links to something called smartrecovery (all one word) dot org. It makes me happy to learn there are tons of resources out there if he wants to avail himself of them. Not that I'll point him towards them, it just made me happy to know they exist.
So that site has homework and toolboxes that I think I'll work my way through for me, so I can clean up my front yard.
So earlier this week I told everybody I was going to try to get out of town for the mountains, but, umn, the car sort of blew a head gasket (is that symbolic or what?) due to (ok, doh) my lack of taking care of it. Yeah, I knew the coolant was low, sort of, somewhere in the back of my mind I said, I should check that, and I neglected to take care of my car, and boom, it blew up on the side of the highway at 1 am in a mountian pass so I had to have someone come rescue me, right?
OK, yeah, well, I felt no sorrow when he dropped me and the dog off at the house. I felt no pity, and I saw ten thousand ways in which he is in such severe denial. He picked up the al-anon brochures on the kitchen table to laugh at them. I took them from his hands and read two sentences to him twice. He said "I don't get it". What he doesn't get is that his drinking had a huge impact on me. Huge! I was weeping four times a week, I was hysterical in the shower in the mornings. He was sober only in the morning, and drunk every single night. What did he say on the drive back from the mountains? "Hey, I was sober every morning--I put a lot of work in to making sure we had a nice cup of coffee together and then a big hug goodbye on the way to work." And in retrospect I'm laughing with my best friend two hours after he says this:Oh My Gosh. That was his big effort, he thinks that was somthing to be commended, that he didn't drink 24/7, but he took a few hours off in the morning and he Actually Thinks I Should Have Been Content With That. WOW. One week away from him and I see him as a different person--the person he is--and I see a lot less of the person I thought he was.
"Love is not sitting at home fighting all the time" my friend said. I actually wrote it down in my journal. Why are the MOST obvious things sometimes the least obvious?
cost benefit analyisis
USING OR DOING
(my using, my doing = putting him first before my needs, my friends, my dreams)
pros of being addicted to this relationship
1. drama, heart beats fast
2. don't have to be responsible for focusing on me
3. he says he loves me
4. i could potentially fix him (haha)
5. maybe we could be friends someday
6. he lends a sense of MISGUIDED meaning to maryterdom
cons
1. waste of time
2. throwing good energy after bad
3. lack of balance and mental clarity
4. lies, listening to, beleiving them over and over and over
5. self doubt, feeling blame / blamed
6. want to help; I confuse help with fixing him
7. loss of myth of relationship hurts, grief involved
8. he just isn't that into me
9. he has said EVERY STEP of the way drinking is a part of him
10. he said today (several years into the relationship, he mentions this!!!) yes he admits he is an alcoholic, and yes he tried AA in the past and it failed (thanks for letting me know that FINALLY! You frickin liar, all along you said you weren't an alcoholic and you hated AA, but you didn't say you hated it because you tried it and quit!!!)
11. he has nearly zero awareness that he is drinking to avoid some serious pain or that his drinking hurt me
12. he blames me, oh my gosh, constantly. like the whole break up was my fault for yelling at him for being a drunk. ok, FINE, it's all my fault. now go away.
13. it's a step forward that I've convinced *his therapist* he has a problem (he said this yesterday, and nothing was said about him being convinced he has a problem!!??!!)
14. this relationship has NO FUTURE if that future is predicated on HIM changing cause all signs point to no need to change from his point of view
REFRAINING FROM USING OR DOING
pros
1. let me work out me
2. i've got enough to own, let him work on him
4. refraining gets easier over time
5. refraining makes room for sunsets, yoga, new friends
6. did you hear the YAAAHAOOOO best college friend for fifteen years let out on the phone long distance yesterday when i said xab had moved out?
7. by not seeing him i avoid piling on extra worrying over him
8. sex with someone else would eventually be cool
9. i like these strangers that smile at me in the street
10. i like these strangers that I smile at in the street
11. i like the strangers that wave or when you compliment the beautiful garden they pause and say "you can come by and get one rose every week"
12. the woman yesterday who stopped on the park bench and said "well aren't you beautiful? both of you!" to me and the dog.
12. dreams of old friends, back doors, typewriter lovers, flying airplanes,
14. being SAFE and COZY and WARM and PEACEFUL when I fall asleep.
15. not worrying about him makes space for joy
16. someday i will wake up and will not be in a complete panic wondering what is wrong
17. call from old co-worker when she heard throught he grapevine i'd dumped him. she was the only co-worker i confided in the time i got all bruised up (yeah, drinking and driving, great idea, fantastic. Go Do It Somewhere ELSE!) and her voice message sounded very happy, and she asked if we could get together
18. both of us will suffer less this way, apart from each other.
cons
1. kind of lonely sometimes, except for my friend came over for a fantastic dinner last night and brought me a plant and listened for two hours and is really supportive of all this and she kept asking "are you going to go back" because she knows it's alluring, in some siniser stupid way to think you can go back and fix the broken past
2. yeah, but weren't there like four good times in the past two months?
3. he's got no obligations to this relationship, couldn't stand them anyhow
4. i told him if he moved out that would be it. so that should be it.
5. my anger and my blame are hard to shift away from him onto me for staying. that's going to be really hard to quit, quit blaming him, meditate and remember we simply do not fit. it isn't about the ego, it's about the plane jain facts. we didn't fit.
6. can i really take care of myself and have courage?
I am looking forward to being a month out, or seven months out. I am looking forward to not blaming either of us, and growing up and not thinking the world should be the way I want all the time. Time to face facts. Life is too short not to redecorate the house and fix the car.
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