You all are awesome
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: columbia maryland
Posts: 13
You all are awesome
Hi,
I've been lurking around here for a month or so and I must say, this is a really intelligent group of people posting here and on the narcotics board. I just spend hours and hours reading the posts and I have learned a lot and I just want to thank you.
Because of my reading these boards, somehow it has come to pass that my AS entered rehab voluntarily today for the first time ever. He is 25 and has been a brittle addict of anything he could get his hands on for about 9 years. We've been through 3 hospitilizations in the last 5 weeks including one for a death defying overdose of fentanyl. (Wrong board for that I know). I don't really know if he is more of an alcoholic or drug adddict because he abuses each equally. Doesn't really matter because it's really all the same pathology.
I have no illusions about rehab because he did a 4 month program in jail and was almost dead 2 weeks after he successfully completed the program and got released but hey - rehab is better than the alternative.
I am finding strength here and just wanted to say thank you.
janet
I've been lurking around here for a month or so and I must say, this is a really intelligent group of people posting here and on the narcotics board. I just spend hours and hours reading the posts and I have learned a lot and I just want to thank you.
Because of my reading these boards, somehow it has come to pass that my AS entered rehab voluntarily today for the first time ever. He is 25 and has been a brittle addict of anything he could get his hands on for about 9 years. We've been through 3 hospitilizations in the last 5 weeks including one for a death defying overdose of fentanyl. (Wrong board for that I know). I don't really know if he is more of an alcoholic or drug adddict because he abuses each equally. Doesn't really matter because it's really all the same pathology.
I have no illusions about rehab because he did a 4 month program in jail and was almost dead 2 weeks after he successfully completed the program and got released but hey - rehab is better than the alternative.
I am finding strength here and just wanted to say thank you.
janet
Hi Janet!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Janet. I came here a couple years ago and soon realized that my son was addicted and displaying all these behaviors I was reading about. I agree, collectively this is an amazing group of people with a wealth of knowledge and experience. I trust their experience and often think of it like a codie bible. 
And I also would like to believe that my coming here helped my son to reach the point where HE realized it was up to him and only him to fight this addiction and turn his life around. Fingers crossed for you and your family, Janet. Keeping your focus on YOU seems to be the best way to go for all involved.
And I also would like to believe that my coming here helped my son to reach the point where HE realized it was up to him and only him to fight this addiction and turn his life around. Fingers crossed for you and your family, Janet. Keeping your focus on YOU seems to be the best way to go for all involved.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: columbia maryland
Posts: 13
Thanks Peach. I haven't taken the time to read how to quote and when I try to do the obvious thing, I seem to get an errror.
That being said, I am not new to the addiction business. Living it my whole life from my mom to sister and now to son so I'm pretty realistic about how this goes. What this board is giving me is the ability to identify in other's stories exactly where my behavior has been enabeling. I always knew I was really only being semi tough because I am convinced (terrified ?) beyond the shadow of a doubt that my son will die if he is cast totally out with true tough love. I'm sure all we parents of addicts feel exactly the same way and the paradox is that generally in order to enable a true recovery, you probably just have to suck it up and do it and find a way to live with your fear. I'm not there yet.
I do have a problem though with the concept that I need to take care of myself more than I need to take care of my son. I see that as a constant affirmationin in so many posts. I do make him suffer all the consequences of his own actions short of death and I would rather suffer along with him and go down with the ship than to lose him. I'm not sure how a mom can get past that. It's sort of a constant vague voice in my head.
I have noticed that the majority of people on this board are dealing with spouses or partners rather than kids and more of the people on the narcotics board seem to be about kids. It seems like for me it would be a lot easier to divorce myself of a spouse than my son. Maybe I'm wrong because I haven't actually had to do that one. I suppose I should be over there but I started here because his most recent hospitilizations were alcohol related (rubbing alcohol out of desperation).
I would appreciate any parents here saying how they learn to live with the fear. Thanks.
That being said, I am not new to the addiction business. Living it my whole life from my mom to sister and now to son so I'm pretty realistic about how this goes. What this board is giving me is the ability to identify in other's stories exactly where my behavior has been enabeling. I always knew I was really only being semi tough because I am convinced (terrified ?) beyond the shadow of a doubt that my son will die if he is cast totally out with true tough love. I'm sure all we parents of addicts feel exactly the same way and the paradox is that generally in order to enable a true recovery, you probably just have to suck it up and do it and find a way to live with your fear. I'm not there yet.
I do have a problem though with the concept that I need to take care of myself more than I need to take care of my son. I see that as a constant affirmationin in so many posts. I do make him suffer all the consequences of his own actions short of death and I would rather suffer along with him and go down with the ship than to lose him. I'm not sure how a mom can get past that. It's sort of a constant vague voice in my head.
I have noticed that the majority of people on this board are dealing with spouses or partners rather than kids and more of the people on the narcotics board seem to be about kids. It seems like for me it would be a lot easier to divorce myself of a spouse than my son. Maybe I'm wrong because I haven't actually had to do that one. I suppose I should be over there but I started here because his most recent hospitilizations were alcohol related (rubbing alcohol out of desperation).
I would appreciate any parents here saying how they learn to live with the fear. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I think that you ought to throw this issue out on the narcotics board as well. When I first got here there were MANY parents of addicts, and many who feel like you do, that we still love our children and are not interested in abandoning them. What I was referring to was more how to "deal" with the crises, how to step away from them rather than go down with them, how to let our children own their own decisions and consequences. I agree, I have no desire to abandon my son. I was shocked, though, to discover how much he was lying to me by omission, how anxious I was by keeping my focus on him and his problems all day/night, and how I had allowed addiction to rule MY life about as much as he had. It was here that I also realized how enabling I had been, thinking I was helping.
You will find supportive, no-nonsense parents on the narcotics board as well as newcomers and even some whose children have passed away. A lot of it is heart-breaking, some heart-warming, but always supportive and always informative, definitely food for thought as a parent of an addict/alcoholic. I hope you stick around!
You will find supportive, no-nonsense parents on the narcotics board as well as newcomers and even some whose children have passed away. A lot of it is heart-breaking, some heart-warming, but always supportive and always informative, definitely food for thought as a parent of an addict/alcoholic. I hope you stick around!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, uards.
Posting on either board is okay, addiction is addiction and the FF forums are about US and how we deal with it, so don't worry about where you post.
My son has been missing for 5 years, after years of in and out of the revolving door of recovery/relapse, and I find that saying a prayer each morning and turning my son's care over to God, helps me live my life well instead of living in fear 24 hours a day.
Stick around, you are among people who understand here, all friends and wonderful people.
Hugs
Posting on either board is okay, addiction is addiction and the FF forums are about US and how we deal with it, so don't worry about where you post.
I would appreciate any parents here saying how they learn to live with the fear. Thanks.
Stick around, you are among people who understand here, all friends and wonderful people.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: columbia maryland
Posts: 13
Hi Ann,
I can tell what a great community of people has collected here. I read so many posts and say "I know that feeling". It does help so much to know so many are going through the same thing.
People not living with an addict really don't understand what it's like and their too easily offered advice is usually based upon the simplistic notion that I'm not doing something right to stop this.
You have no idea where your son is? I'm so sorry Ann. That's heartbreaking.
I can tell what a great community of people has collected here. I read so many posts and say "I know that feeling". It does help so much to know so many are going through the same thing.
People not living with an addict really don't understand what it's like and their too easily offered advice is usually based upon the simplistic notion that I'm not doing something right to stop this.
You have no idea where your son is? I'm so sorry Ann. That's heartbreaking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello uards,
Welcome to SR. I am one of those moms who had to finally, after alot of stops and starts and following a gradual learning curve...let go of the entire situation. As my awareness grew and I knew, that I knew- that I knew about the dynamics of addiction; I was able to allow my son to face things on his own.
I started on my own recovery journey about two years into his active addiction when he had just turned 18 and had volunteered for detox and a stint in a 28 day rehab.
By the time he was about your son's age he had been in and out of his second home- a halfway house; our home; an apartment with his brother and various places unknown to me.
There was about an 8 month gap, while his use escalated, from where my attitude and actions finally grasped the ideas that I knew and believed in. Those times were tough, especially during a two month stretch where we had no idea where he was or if he was alive. At one point, the police were asking me for his dental records.
When he got arrested for his second offense, he finally took the responsiblity on himself and worked with the public defender to start a boot camp program that was over 4 times long as his sentence. He volunteered for several other restrictions as well, and because of that I had a lot of hope that 'this was it' and he was done with his old life.
That was over three years ago. He's stayed clean, fell in love with and married the most wonderful young lady, plus he has a good job where he continues to advance. I am totally amazed and so grateful for how things have turned out for him.
I will never forget how it was before I had the information and the tools to learn how to change; nor how to stop the insanity and chaos from consuming me. In addition to Al-Anon and coming here to SR I don't know how I could have managed things, and obviously I'm still here and still find my Al-Anon meetings necessary and useful in my day to day life- whether the addict is active or not.
I'm so glad you found SR and hope that you will find here, some more of that serenity and strength that you seek.
Welcome to SR. I am one of those moms who had to finally, after alot of stops and starts and following a gradual learning curve...let go of the entire situation. As my awareness grew and I knew, that I knew- that I knew about the dynamics of addiction; I was able to allow my son to face things on his own.
I started on my own recovery journey about two years into his active addiction when he had just turned 18 and had volunteered for detox and a stint in a 28 day rehab.
By the time he was about your son's age he had been in and out of his second home- a halfway house; our home; an apartment with his brother and various places unknown to me.
There was about an 8 month gap, while his use escalated, from where my attitude and actions finally grasped the ideas that I knew and believed in. Those times were tough, especially during a two month stretch where we had no idea where he was or if he was alive. At one point, the police were asking me for his dental records.
When he got arrested for his second offense, he finally took the responsiblity on himself and worked with the public defender to start a boot camp program that was over 4 times long as his sentence. He volunteered for several other restrictions as well, and because of that I had a lot of hope that 'this was it' and he was done with his old life.
That was over three years ago. He's stayed clean, fell in love with and married the most wonderful young lady, plus he has a good job where he continues to advance. I am totally amazed and so grateful for how things have turned out for him.
I will never forget how it was before I had the information and the tools to learn how to change; nor how to stop the insanity and chaos from consuming me. In addition to Al-Anon and coming here to SR I don't know how I could have managed things, and obviously I'm still here and still find my Al-Anon meetings necessary and useful in my day to day life- whether the addict is active or not.
I'm so glad you found SR and hope that you will find here, some more of that serenity and strength that you seek.
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