ToughChoices

This doesn't have much to do with alcohol, but I guess that's appropriate....I'm not in recovery from alcohol - I'm in recovery from codependency (which, in my case, manifested itself as an incredibly painful addiction to outside approval and love.)

I met a great guy about three months ago. He is check-list "What I Want" in a man: reliable, kind, bright, family-oriented. He has a good relationship with his family, an excellent job, and he doesn't drink to excess. Oh yeah, and he's in love with me.
Sounds great, right?

Here's the thing:
I don't love him. I don't wonder what he's doing. I don't imagine a life with him. He calls and talking to him feels a bit like an obligation. He follows me around the house and instead of being delighted, I want to go hide in the bathroom.

He is a good man who deserves love. Part of me wishes I could be the one to give it to him. But my heart is saying, "Ummm....."

So this morning I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. Not because he did anything wrong - I just knew he wasn't what I wanted.
I listened to my inner voice, and took the appropriate action. I am not plagued by doubts or second-guessing, I'm not afraid that he was my "one chance" at happiness.

It was a good relationship for me, but it ran its course. I'm feeling very proud of myself for taking care of ME instead of sacrificing myself to tend to my SO's feelings.

But the whole situation has me thinking a lot about love. About "falling" for someone. After my alcoholic marriage ended, I was determined to change my dating approach. With my XAH, I was instantly attracted, completely infatuated from the start.

That didn't work out so well for me.

So.... I made sure that this most recent romance progressed slowly and logically. He met my standards, I continued to see him, things moved forward. I grew to appreciate and care for him as a person, but.....no spark. And for a while there, I thought that was because the relationship was "healthy". Like, "healthy and mature relationships are well-thought out and carefully considered. They don't make your heart beat fast and your palms sweat, so this is definitely healthy and mature".

Now I'm thinking - I don't have to sacrifice the spark to get someone reliable and kind. I can have both. The spark is not LOVE, but it certainly acts like a high octane fuel for the road to love.

Someday perhaps I will meet a man who not only cares for me in a consistent and loving way, but also truly captures my imagination.
Perhaps not.

Today I know that I'm not interested in settling for half of what I want.
I would rather be alone.

Thanks for listening.
-TC

Daisy30

I am learning so much from you

You are living the scenarios I create in my head.

TakingCharge999

Hi TC,

I understand what you feel... right now I am with someone really kind to me, stable, emotionally available, looks to kill, hugs me when I cry... yet I feel there is a spark missing... like I need someone like me, able to make conversation, travel, "wilder" (not in a sick sense... just more interested in trying new things) and I start to think he is boring and I am the one bringing the fun and the arts and the new ideas and the conversation and the spark.

THEN I hear all these friend's stories, of cheaters, of guys that go to see pole-dancers, drunkards of course, drug addicts, guys that are living off their partners, liers, etc. and I see this dependable, mature guy and feel thankful and I know he will always be there for me and wonder if I am just missing the rollercoaster and the drama.

I think for now I need to keep doing what I like and not see him so often... it is so difficult to know if this is as good as it is going to get or if I am just settling for something safe but not lively. I do not feel the extraordinary passion during intimate moments, but then when I miss that, I realize I could have that with any other guy but they also go from bed to bed and are players just like the losers I've chosen. And I a willing to give this a shot and think I am asking for too much while I have my own defects and issues as well... and I will regret letting go of a guy that you do not find very often just because I am used to toxic relations and do not know what commitment, acceptance and unconditional love look or feel like.

Good for you for aiming for more and knowing what you want for yourself!

gowest

Not that you need any validation but I married the man you described for the very same reasons you listed above.

It comes with a whole host its own of problems. It is very difficult to have an intimate relationship with someone where there is no spark. Then you feel guilty, after all it isn't "their" fault. You end up bending different boundaries (than f they were an A) because of the guilt. You end up in a different kind of nightmare full of different resentments .

I tried to find the right balance. After being separated for many months I met a (r)abf. It seemed like the right mix of passion and stability.

It was until his (recovery) part slipped and he fell apart and I ended up here and in therapy and going to alanon.

I still get asked out but I don't even bother going on more than a date or two if there isn't a spark.

My therapist confirms that it is exceedingly rare to be able to manufacture a spark when there isn't one and thinks there should be a spark as it is a cornerstone for romantic relationships.

I did however joke at a recent session that they way it is going I will never have sex again. I too am holding out for the real deal.

nowwhat

One thought comes to mind (albeit a convoluted one).

I have had trouble rejecting men in the past. In fact, just in the last few weeks there has been a man wanting a date--which I have kept postponing because I didn't want to hurt him.

A healthy, stable person will not be devastated by our saying "this just isn't right for me."

I think, in the past, I have found myself in relationships where there is no spark, and feeling incredibly guilty and prolonging ending it because I am afraid to inflict the kind of pain I experience upon rejection, on another.

How silly, really. Someone who isn't reliant on others to feel good about themselves will be hurt, I'm sure, but it won't reach the level of dysfunction that I experience when love doesn't happen.

Projection, I guess?

How inspiring to see you taking care of yourself, TC.

ToughChoices

Is it weird to quote myself????

I was just thinking that the "captures my imagination" thing is really what I mean when I talk about a spark.

The man that I just stopped seeing was attractive - I found him attractive. But I was entirely unable to overlook some of his habits, glances, behaviors that I found annoying. Not quirky. Not cute or part of his appeal. Annoying.

No matter how great he is in many regards - there was some stuff that just downright irritated me about my recent SO. He ate A LOT of sweets. He never exercised. He always stuck his tongue out at me when he couldn't think of an appropriate response to one of my teasing comments. He refused to dance.

See, I was married to my XAH for 7 years, 5 of which involved no alcohol or significant drama, and I found his personality quirks, well.....quirky. Thinking back there was stuff that wasn't my favorite, but I always loved him in spite of it. There wasn't this constant weighing and measuring. I was fascinated by him. Once alcohol entered the picture and I got my control-freak on, that changed significantly. But in the beginning, I truly appreciated my husband's oddities.

Part of me thinks that that kind of appreciation is necessary for me to feel whole in a relationship.

Still, nowadays I don't subconsciously subscribe to the "that stuff is no big deal and anyway someday I'll convince you to change it because of your immense love for me" school of thought, so perhaps I'm less willing to overlook minor irritation than I was when I fell for my XAH. Welcome to the world of higher standards!

Hmmmm......lots to think about.

FSquared

I think it is great that you were able to have a "normal" relationship that ran its course...without the drama of addiction, etc.

gowest

It is interesting to hear some of the details of what is important for you.

I have already accepted that for me, there will be things that annoy me about anybody with whom I choose to share my life. And yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I will annoy them too.

For me personally I would be a little uncomfortable with the "captures my imagination" as it sounds a little close to the soul mate ideal. I want to capture my own imagination BUT I want some one who can share that with me. (No offense at all meant for TC )

What I do want is some one who I can talk to about anything, including the hard conversations. They have to be smart - book smart, life smart I don't care, what excites me is often what is going on between the ears. Life throws some very big curve balls at us and I want some one who can handle sticking it out through the sh!t. And yes, I want great physical chemistry because otherwise I could just go live with some cool girlfriends and all of our kids in a "commune" like set up. (Believe me the thought has crossed my mind - especially since money is tight.)

Bernadette

Hi TC-
Before I met my current BF of 9 years (with whom it is spark city!) I had a reltionship with a lovely man- it was my first "serious" relationahip after my divorce.
He was smart, kind, good looking, responsible, very attentive-- but no spark for me. I ended it after a year. I was sad that it ended but I knew it just wasn't going to last. There were just certain annoying things in the way for me. Yet it was very healing to be in that relationship, I am grateful for it.

When I met my current BF we hit it off immediately but because we were working together we kept it at friendship for a while. I think that actually was good for me since my past pattern is fall right into bed with the guy and never get out!!

When I was married I remember thinking, how can I have picked such good girlfriends in my life but picked such a lousy husband?? So I think, for me, becoming friends with my BF first was a good thing. The things he does that annoy I can take in stride or joke with him about because at base he is my dearest friend, it is easy to forgive, and I receive forgiveness from him for my annoying traits!

When we started officially dating it was really "charged" and wonderful... we've been together 9 years and we still have separate apartments. He is a huge part of my life and, my children's lives but I think living separately has allowed us to maintain a really exciting but healthy relationship....

I sometimes think marriage should be like a 7 year renewable contract...with a set negotiation time every 7 years and if both parties want to re-up for 7 more then mazel tov. If not then it is dissolved without drama....

It's been amazing following your process through this past year....you have been pretty fearless in your self-examination and your willingness to take action -- it is continually inspiring to me!

peace-
b

ToughChoices

I appreciate everyone's shares and insights so much!

I know that everyone (including myself!) has habits that are less than charming - it's just that there are some things I know I can overlook and others that will ALWAYS bother me. I don't think that it's fair to a partner to ask them to dramatically alter numerous aspects of his/her personality to suit my tastes. It would drive me nuts if someone asked me to stop laughing so loud in movies, wear more eye makeup, quit cursing for dramatic effect, etc....... I'd rather them break up with me than try to mold me into a being that meets their needs.
I'm out of the man-making business.
There's nothing wrong with this guy - he's just not right for me.

TakingCharge999

He always stuck his tongue out at me when he couldn't think of an appropriate response to one of my teasing comments.

UGH I understand this deal breaker!!

Ok, I am saying "UGH" too many times today..


LOL to the "quoting yourself"

Its a good idea to live separately, I guess when you live togehter with someone you start taking them for granted and that kills passion in no time

I think it would be a good setup for me too. I love to listen to MY stuff and am rather selfish, I love being alone and I would start resenting the parnter being around ALL the time... whoever he is...

I want to live in sparkcity but with someone who truly cares is that possible? ahhhh...

Ago

Thank you so much for saying these things.

I have been a "perennial project" so many times sometimes I don't know who I was.

I feel like I have walked through life with a GIANT sign on my head that says in bright flashing red neon

I have a TON of potential and ONLY YOU can unlock it!!!!

Women have come from hundreds of miles away to "help" me "realize my potential"

on behalf of men everywhere "with potential" I thank you

My relationship today has it's ups and downs, but thank F'ing GOD that's not one of them.

You just can't win in that dynamic, and there is like nothing tangible to set a boundary against, it's a million little things if you try to explain make you sound insane.

It spawned one of my favorite sayings, "you would be absolutely perfect.....if you were just someone else."

MeHandle

You go girl!

carribeanblue

I'm so glad I found this thread... I posted a while ago under my own thread ("He IS changing but I'm frozen inside"). I am struggling with the fact that I have been with someone (now recovering AH but switching addictions) for 25 years, with whom I really can't share who I am. I was always the good listener; when I tried to talk to him about MY world it was like throwing a baseball into a wet blanket. No matter how I threw it or how hard, it didn't bounce. It just went "splat" and that was the end of the conversation. I called it "neutral listening"; he listens but I get no reaction. (Maybe it should have been neutered listening....?!)

It seemed like just wasn't At All Curious About Me. As a result of this one crucial factor, I don't think I ever really connected with him, but didn't really know any better. We're now in counseling and he IS learning to be a better listener, but it's rather a Humpty Dumpty situation. (Only worse. I think this Humpty Dumpty relationship was cracked before it even fell. Or maybe I should call it egg substitute. OK, enough. Me and my bad metaphors.)

So now the refrain that was always playing in the back of my mind for 25 years (is this all I get, should I leave?)--this refrain is now playing in the FRONT of my mind hour after hour...

Amazing how stubborn I am; still looking for another door out of this, somehow, that doesn't involve (figuratively) punching an apparently unprepared person, who loves me, very hard directly in the solar plexus.

Yeah, I know. I am "I am afraid to inflict the kind of pain I experience upon rejection, on another." ... to quote nowwhat.

But, geez, 25+ years... hard to toss aside, especially for a loner who hasn't done real well at building an alternative support system. (That problem existed even before I met AH.)

Phoo.

FunnyOne

I beg you to read my posts. As time goes on and you realize YOU are important, you will no longer meet his needs and then HE will leave you one way or the other. Do you want 25 years to be 27 before your compassion runs out?

Hugs, I know it is impossibly hard.

Ago

Sometimes I wish that "recovery from codependency" had it's own forum

The symptoms of my codependency manifest themselves in my interpersonal relationships with others, much as the "symptoms" of my untreated alcoholism manifest themselves as every time I drank I broke out in handcuffs.

For me to blame my problems on Law Enforcement for locking me up for say, writing my name in the middle of main street in an inappropriate manner is a waste of time for me. I called it "humor", they called it "indecent exposure".

If I didn't "work on myself" I kept breaking out in handcuffs. I tried every method possible except of course, quitting drinking, it never occurred to me that my drinking was the problem, it was always "the circumstances". As long as I blamed Law Enforcement and the "special circumstances", I didn't change, I could avoid looking at myself.

Every one of those stories started with "there I was minding my own business" and ended with "and then I spent the night in the drunk tank."

Until I learned my behavior was the problem, my life didn't change.

The same is true for me working on myself around codependency. What I am working on is "an incredibly painful addiction to outside love and approval" and a failure to set and enforce proper boundaries.

What I am working on is myself.

I am "the problem". I'd love to have a set of "outside issues", "other people" and "special circumstances" to blame my problems on, but the truth of the matter is I have run out of "excuses" to blame how I feel on, I ran out of excuses years ago.

If I have a problem, it's my problem. Me waiting around for other people to change in order for me to feel better is the shortest route to insanity I know, yet there it is, "dressing up in new clothes" appearing as something new, with it's own set of "special circumstances" again and again.

It's just the same old crap wearing different clothes.

Just some rambling thoughts about your opening sentence, I'm glad you are here.

johnboy1978

Reading this, I see a lot of similarities with past relationships. I had a realization this weekend that I am attracted to broken people who need rescued, even if the fact that they are broken is not visible, I somehow end up in relationships with people who are not capable of having a true partnership. Every healthy non-addicted person of sane mind is not attractive to me, I am somehow drawn to those who need fixing. I love my wife, but she has a host of problems which I felt drawn to fix; it has exhausted me to the point where I don't at all take care of myself or my needs, yet somehow still felt like it was normal while in the situation. One relationship that I had that lasted three years, she was smart, a hard worker, didn't drink or do any illicit drugs, had no chemical imbalances, and was completely unattractive to me although she was very pretty. This is something that, thinking back, has been my pattern since I was 12 years old.