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Originally Posted by Ago
(Post 2262011)
How bout changing "what I did wrong" to "what I will do differently in the future" I find for myself, placing "value" like "right" and 'wrong" on things sometimes obscures the issue itself. You did the best you could with the tools you had. Now you are learning different tools you will do things differently. So, what will you do differently now? |
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
(Post 2262034)
Trying to make the best of an alcoholic marriage is a little like sticking your fingers in the leaks of a crumbling dam. Pretty soon you run out of fingers and the dam crumbles anyway. If the consensus on this thread is hiring a lawyer is not codependent because it was for the good of the family, does that mean you will do it again next time? You drive him to work so he doesn't lose his job, but I will give you odds that if he continues down the path of alcoholism, he will lose it eventually anyway. You pay a lawyer to get him out of trouble, but he continues to get into more trouble. You hold on to hope that he will see the light, yet things just continue to get darker. Don't worry so much about past actions. They are done. Concentrate on now. L |
Originally Posted by Daisy30
(Post 2262134)
I am wondering if you are dependent on his salary? If so and you do earn some money, start stashing some aside for a rainy day. Money that he doesn't know about and doesn't have axcess to. So if you do need to leave you can. I really thought the same way you did. Many of your words speak right to my heart. I thought "we are a family" familes help each other....yada yada yada... I had to re-learn many things. Many of the things I was doing thinking they were helpful were only prolonging his disease. I thought because my AH was claiming to be "in recovery" that he really was. Al- anon helped Reading "Marriage on the Rocks" helped, coming here helps. I continue to learn and grow. (((()))) |
Originally Posted by whyamistaying
(Post 2262301)
What I will do or what I should do is leave. But I won't for now and that is probably a dumb decision. I have financial safeguards in place and will continue those. I will not drive him to work. I will not pick him up from work. I will not allow funds to be used to hire attys. I will not pay for rehab again. If he needs another attorney, he will hire one, who will bear the cost of that burden. The insurance will go up, who will bear the cost of that burden. If he decides to go to rehab again, he will, who will bear the cost of that burden? If he drinks, he will have consequences, it goes with drinking If you stay with him, you will have to bear the consequences of staying with a drinker that drinks with consequences. to think otherwise is "magical thinking" I am not making a "value judgment", I am not saying it's "bad", if I were talking to him I would say, "well, you can continue drinking if you so desire, but drinking comes with consequences, to think otherwise is "magical thinking" so "should" does nothing but set you up for resentment. he "should" do X (quit drinking) I "should" leave What you actually do is what's important. should isn't real. It's a game we play with ourselves to talk ourselves out of doing whats right then getting angry at ourselves about it. |
I assuming, your husband is over the legal age right? Did he get the DUI all by himself? If so, he needs to man up. |
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