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Trying to figure it out

Old 06-13-2009, 08:55 AM
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Trying to figure it out

Hello! I haven't posted in a while, but I do read here every day and get so much support and insight from your posts, so I want to start by saying thank you everyone for being here and sharing!

Quick recap - my AH was in the hospital for two weeks because he tried detoxing on his own. He almost died. When he did get out I told him he couldn't come home so he went to stay with his mom. Within days he was drinking again, but then checked himself into a motel for a few days and detoxed again. He immediately started going to AA daily and seems to really be working the program. He has a sponsor who is a neighbor, and even chaired a meeting the other day. He gets his 30 day coin today.

I still won't let him come home, however, he's here every day. I told him that if he stays sober we may be able to work on our marriage but it would take much time. He did so many hurtful things and lied so much while drinking that there is no trust anymore, not for me or my 16 yr. son (not his). Maybe at this point there is 1 or 2%, but that's nowhere near enough. Most days he seems understanding of this and says he knows he has to earn our trust and make up for all the wrongs, etc. 80% of the time he's been pleasant to be around and helpful. Then there's days like yesterday.

We've been trying to talk in little bits about the things that bother us about the other. One of things that really gets me is his negativity. He's always so negative about EVERYTHING. I told him I was raised that if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything. He said he was raised by a mom who complained and criticized all the time, but that he would add that to his list for step 4. So, the subject came up again last night. He said he would keep his complaints to himself. I told him that wasn't healthy and everyone needs to vent, but he needs to learn to get it out and then let it go. I said that it makes me feel like he is in attack mode and that's when I get defensive, and gave him an example of when this happened very recently. He said that I'm too defensive and then went on to list all the reasons why he was right to act negatively and b!_ching the way he did. So, I just said this isn't going anywhere let's just forget it for tonight. That was that and he took the dog for a walk.

When he gets back with the dog he can't find a flashlight and immediately starts accusing me or my son of taking it and not putting it back, which we didn't. I asked him why he had to be so accusatory all the time and he went off about how he didn't move it so someone else did, blah, blah, blah. So, it got a little heated and one of the things he always says to me is that I need to realize that alcoholism is a disease and he wasn't in control when he was drinking and he is not that person anymore. I said ok, but you need to try to understand what it has done to me and my son. I tried to explain that he may not be like that anymore but it doesn't change what happened and all those things killed the love I had for him. I said my feelings count too and I have a right to provide a happy, healthy home for myself and my son, and that in fact that is my first priority. He thinks I'm holding a grudge and being selfish.

Another thing, I have a rule that I don't cook on Fridays - I usually grab take out on the way home from work. Since he hasn't been living here I haven't gotten him any but I knew he'd be here yesterday because he had a side job and needed the garage and his tools so I asked him if he wanted anything and all he did was complain that I hadn't done it before. So I tried to do something nice but got b!_ched at because I didn't do it sooner. Again, instead of looking at the positive he focused on the negative. A little later he went on and on about how he made sure I had a nice mother's day and "I bet no one will even say anything to me" on father's day. :wtf2

Some days I think maybe this marriage can survive and we can eventually work it out and be happy, but when days like yesterday happen I'm back to square one. When he finally left he started texting me that he was sorry, hates his life now, feels like drinking, blah, blah. I feel like he's trying to guilt trip me. Then his morning he was apologetic and saying that his mind is right now,blah, blah!

Anyway, I don't know what to do next. I wanted to take my time and figured I would know when I know, but I guess that's not fair to him. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like he's pressuring me to make a decision and if he has to have one now then it's no. I'm so confused right now! I know no one can tell me what to do and I have to figure it out, but thanks for listening!
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:12 AM
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Maybe it might be better if there is no contact while he works on his recovery?

And - what are you doing for you? Have you attended any Al-anon meetings?
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:20 AM
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Thank you for your response. I think you're probably right about the contact, but I know he won't go for it. I do think it would be best though, and would give us both a chance to sort through our stuff.

I haven't gone to any Al-Anon meetings, although I keep meaning to. It seems like everytime I plan to go I end up working late or my son has a baseball game or something comes up and I never make it. But I guess if I'm being truly honest with myself I guess I'm just making excuses and I really do need to go. I'm sure it will be tremendously helpful to me.

One of the things I have been wondering lately, though, if how many of our problems are actually unrelated to the alcoholism. Maybe we are just incompatable. While we do have many things in common, we also have different ways of looking at the world and our problems.
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:34 AM
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I have to agree with the no-contact and if he does not live with you, then it certainly is appropriate. He is going to be moody, self-pitying, angry, defensive, critical.....the works.....for several months. If you engage with him in these arguments you are describing, then you do so willingly and naively, for nothing will be settled between you for a long time, not until he retrieves some sanity and clarity, which is impossible at 30 days.

Time to stop taking each other's inventory. Time for you both to be attending meetings and working on yourselves.

I would go no-contact for 6 months then reassess.
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Maybe it might be better if there is no contact while he works on his recovery?

And - what are you doing for you? Have you attended any Al-anon meetings?

My thoughts exactly on both items mentioned above.
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by want2bfreenow View Post
Thank you for your response. I think you're probably right about the contact, but I know he won't go for it. I do think it would be best though, and would give us both a chance to sort through our stuff.

I haven't gone to any Al-Anon meetings, although I keep meaning to. It seems like everytime I plan to go I end up working late or my son has a baseball game or something comes up and I never make it. But I guess if I'm being truly honest with myself I guess I'm just making excuses and I really do need to go. I'm sure it will be tremendously helpful to me.

One of the things I have been wondering lately, though, if how many of our problems are actually unrelated to the alcoholism. Maybe we are just incompatable. While we do have many things in common, we also have different ways of looking at the world and our problems.
Okay, my opinion only: Yes, you ARE making excuses, and you're about the 1,999,999,999th person in this forum to do so. We ALL do that, so don't fret about it, just try to focus on what is best for YOU, because that brings into focus what's best for your son also. Individual counseling was invaluable to me, you might consider that. Make the time, for you. It's important.

And it might very well be that many problems aren't related to alcohol, but are just amplified. I found that I married what I wanted to see (and what he was telling me) but that was very far from the truth. It happens all the time unfortunately.
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:48 AM
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want2befreenow-

it sounds like he's trying to guilt you. if someone offered me a meal, i'd say thank you!

can you put more space between him and you? why does he need to be at the house everyday? can he not pack what he needs in the house and take it to his mother's, where he is living?

it doesn't seem a very firm boundary if he can't come home, but he is there everyday.

why not tell him that you need some space for your own recovery and you'll see him only friday night for take-away dinner.

if you want to work on the relationship, perhaps consider a counselor who can mediate...his side of these arguments seem like manipulation to me...

n
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Old 06-13-2009, 09:58 AM
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Thank you everyone! I so agree about the no contact but I know he wont go for it. In fact I kind of hinted around at it and he was completely resistent and went on and on about how I know nothing about alkies and the program, and on and on. . . . .

Originally Posted by bluejay6 View Post
Time to stop taking each other's inventory. Time for you both to be attending meetings and working on yourselves.
Thanks for this! I didn't realize I was doing this. I guess I thought that it was good that we were being honest about behaviors that we have a problem. I even went as far as telling him that just because I might be bothered by something about him (and vice versa) it doesn't mean he is wrong, but it's my problem and I have to figure out of I can accept it or not (again, and vice versa).

I do need to go to meetings and am making a vow to stop making excuses and get off my behind and go! Thanks for the encouragement and confirming what I already knew (but was ignoring or denying)!

:ghug
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Old 06-13-2009, 10:23 AM
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I so agree about the no contact but I know he wont go for it.

No one is asking him, you gotta do what works FOR YOU

Easier said than done but remember your sanity and health (and thus, your son's) is at stake !!

Hugs!
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