Margareta

Hello the last time I posted I was about to separate. I also had realized that I had part of responsibility in the problems that happened in my marriage specially the ones related to my co dependence, my necessity to please others and later I even started to get verbally abusive with my AH in the every discussion we had. As someone told me at the time probably lots of my reactions had a lot to do with the alcohol. I was very concerned because I had became a person that I didn’t recognize. Now I think that it probably it had to do with the situation.

So one month ago we moved to different cities, different countries actually, he went to live with his parents. At the beginning it was supposed to be just a 3 month separation period in which he would see a doctor and start an AA program. We kept in touch and he supported me a lot in the worst moments, I have felt lonely in this new place where I didn´t know anyone and I also started a very demanding job and to be honest I was feeling pretty bad.

When I started to feel more confident he told me that he thinks that this separation should be indefinite, this happened 2 weeks ago and it made me more confused and sad but I told him I would wait for him. And I was starting to cope until one week ago when we talked about alcohol. He told me I have not compassion because if I loved him I would stick next to him when he needs it the most. He brought back old issues and recriminations and it looked to me like if that time apart was for nothing. Later he apologized about bringing old issues back about how I have compassion with my family but not towards his disease…but to be honest I felt very disappointed and somehow angry.

We didn’t really talk much after that and yesterday he sent me this email saying goodbye for good. He thinks that he doesn’t want to be with a person who will wait for him to be better but is not capable of fight with him during this hard times, he feels that if he ever gets better he couldn’t see me as someone who was there coming out his problem with him.

Since I met him 7 years ago he has promised to leave the alcohol and I was there for a long time and at some point I stepped back and started to accept his bingeing but when I did so I felt so bad so I had to go back to ask him to leave it altogether I also found Al anon and that is when our relationship became more of a nightmare because of the amount of arguments.

He thinks that alcoholism is the reflection of deeper problems and I agree with that but I just don’t think that those problems will be solved by getting drunk. He thinks (and is probably true) that I will never understand him because my life have been more comfortable (even though I come from a dysfunctional family). And now he says he wont go to any help group because he doesn’t believe in that, he will manage things his way which means that he will “control “ his drinking because after all like he says his father who is 65 years old is healthy despite his own history of alcoholism.

Anyway I was living hoping that he would come back to me as a changed man I guess I deceived myself one more time. I know everyday more and more that the best is the separation but it is so painful and the pain and sadness paralyzes me, I don’t have as much drive and energy to work or exercise or live I know every separation is hard but I am really having a nasty time and feel very insecure. Does anyone have any opinion about this situation? Thanks in advance for your always kind and helpful advice.

I have one more question I have this guy in my work place interested in me but I don´t really want anything at the moment, because I don´t want to hurt myself, my now ex AH and this guy. I started to be friendly and probably gave him a wrong idea that something could happen between us (I let him give me a ride home) and after I got panicked and I have actually ignored him while he has been lovely and considerate towards me and I feel bad to be nasty to him and he stepped back. Would you tell him the truth I mean that I cannot and don´t want to have anything and explain details about the alcoholism of my AH or would you just keep ignoring him. Sooner or later he will find out I am married yet and will think the worst about me.

Like you see lots of things are out of control.

Thanks again.

naive

hi margareta-

it might be a blessing in disguise, your AH wanting to separate permanently. to me, it just sounds like quacking and manipulation. why not let him separate and get on with your own life? i bet if you step back, he'll come back in the picture full force...but really, it sounds like you are better off without the man. his liklihood of success without a group or fellowship is slim. can you really deal with living with an active A? i know i couldn't anymore.

it is also natural that you feel lonely. you are in a new place without your partner. give that a bit of time.

A's cannot control their drinking, so you AH is not being realistic. it is their tendency to blame us...in your case, you won't support him in his moment of need...

however, you've already supported him through this for SEVEN YEARS and has anything changed?

as for the man at work, you could just tell him that you're just ending a relationship and not interested in beginning a new one. i would just make that clear to him rather than avoiding him. i don't see any harm in a lift home if you need one.

good luck to you,
naive

9Iron

Margareta-

I wish I had some of wisdom for you, but I'm not really the person to give advise because I'm having problems of my own at home. I just want to say that I sympathize with you and your situation, it's no fun is it?

I can recommend posting here often because you are not alone. This board to me is a place where you can post whatever you are feeling, no matter how optimistic or dark, and there will be people that can relate to how you're feeling. Most any topic has already been dealt with by someone or another and their experiences can help guide you in the right direction.

As for the guy you work with, are you comfortable just telling him the truth of the situation? That seems to work best in most cases. If not, you don't even need to acknowledge that you think he's interested, just bring up in conversation that you've just gotten out of a bad situation and am looking forward to some alone time, and thank you so much for giving me a lift home.

Freedom1990

Well, there you go! If nothing changes, nothing changes. He's quacking, and will continue to do it his way.

I hope you are continuing with Alanon even though the two of you are separated. It has helped me so much in all areas of my life.

As for your co-worker, I would just make it clear I was not interested in any sort of relationship, and leave it at that. He doesn't need to know all the details.

I am so sorry for your pain, but I believe God has wonderful plans for you. The pain will ease up with time, I promise.

:ghug :ghug

MeHandle

It is good to hear from you!



This is classic blaming. Specifically, as you tell the story his 'sticking thinking' reveals he blames you for having to leave because you should be someone who is content that he still wants to drink under his version of alcohol management and aren't support it. He tries to manipulate you by say you are not supportive of his disease. He is blaming you!!!! And you are not to blame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is trying to manipulate you to take the blame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are not to blame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please, please don't you take ownership of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is nothing wrong with hope when there was movement for change. Deceiving yourself would be not excepting where he is actually at today or the statistical outcome for such a pattern as his.


You are most likely going through a mourning period. It is normal and healthy. It is the realization to the death of a marriage. It can also be normal to feel insecure at this time. You don't give the perspective of what you feel insecure about so I can't know enough to comment.

First , what woman can't understand liking being 'admired' by a man, and being a bit vulnerable to it at your point in life. Be gentle with yourself here.Well, I understand at least.:-)

As to what you tell him, you can't control his reaction or what he thinks. However, I would be the kind of person who told him what's up and why i was vulnerable to his admirations. If he is a normal healthy guy , unlike your AH, he will understand. Most likely his reaction will be good. Your are worrying about what he will think of you, instead of trusting you conscious and trusting your evaluation of how much he can be trusted as to what you should share. Try to trust your common sense and instincts on this, and stop worry about he thinks. Instead make a decision about what he can be trusted with and you are comfortable sharing.:-) So did this answer your question? :-)

love tammy

FunnyOne

Oh I can relate. But do you see the push pull going on? He wants the separation to go on indefinitely in one conversation and then uses guilt and obligation with the "if you loved me" in the next conversation. So what does he want? Separation? Being together on HIS terms? HUH?

What about what you want and need? Was he at all concerned about that?

I am three months separated and headed for divorce, and the best thing I can do for me is minimal contact about specific shared property, children, etc. Feelings I can't and won't discuss with him. First, because he has no idea WHAT he feels and is impulsive and the push/pull comes out. Second, because I get that confused sad pulling me back into the muck of the stinking thinking feeling.

Alanon is a great place to meet people who "get" your situation. And, it can be a springboard to a social life and connecting to your new area. Once you are ingrained in your new life you might wake up one day to realize there is hope for you again. Hope for YOUR life....not hope for his change, which sadly, is highly against the odds.

Good luck

tallulah

Invitation to dance. I've had those emails before. They are classic push you pull you.

They hooked me back in: they appealed to my 'but you're wrong and I'll show you you're wrong' side and spoke to the part of me that was still connected.

You notice how when you are getting strong he sends you a message saying go away.. and then when that made you wobble.. and after all that was the intention.. you were pliable enough to send the if you loved me you would stand by me and work through it with me message.

The message he sent when you were getting strong.. the push you away message was a hook. A fishing expedition. Once you bit the reeling in messages started.

He doesn't want you gone. He just doesn't want you with him and if he does he doesn't want you on any other terms but his own. And in typical style.. if you go away he wants it to seem like it was his decision.. if you stay he wants to make sure you feel gratitude and acceptance.. so he can carry on with his push you pull you behaviour.

I agree with that too. In my experience simply cutting out the alcohol does not address the cause and doesn't mean they will be any 'better'.

Entirely normal. It is pretty standard I think to hope that someone will 'get it'. And it is pretty standard to feel sad, disappointed, etc etc etc. You are going through a grieving process. And the fact you are feeling this means what you felt was real. Don't beat yourself up for being human.

The guy who is interested in you. Are you interested in having a casual, non-committal, hanging out thing with him? If you are then have it.. if not then tell him.

I've found being cautiously honest is the best policy. You don't have to give your life history to assert your boundary with this. You can simply say what you mean.. just don't say it mean. Something like...

[I like you, I like spending time with you, but right now I am not in a position to enter into anything more serious than a platonic friendship. If you are cool with this then we can have coffee/lunch/dinner etc. but I'm in a place where that is all I can offer], or [I like you, but I'm afraid I'm not in a position to make any connections, platonic or romantic, with anyone right now.]

TakingCharge999

He thinks (and is probably true) that I will never understand him because my life have been more comfortable

Another classic!! Personal exceptionalism. When common friends knew the rumors of his verbal abuse I got that "oh, he has gone through tough stuff" as an automatic license to anything. How convenient

When I read this I recalled when I was in University, we had a conference with Holocaust survivors. I had the honor to be able to approach one of them, listen to him and hug him. I can think of little stuff worse than what this man went through in the Auschwitz concentration camp.

Yet there was this old man, with his eyes full of compassion and forgiveness.


Those "oh poor me, now I am entitled to destroy any unlucky soul who gets close to me and everything that comes between me and my numbing alcohol" are cowardly excuses not to take responsability for themselves. I believe its 50% disease and denial, but 50% will, why? because there are people that actually recover (but for that they need b*lls and that is something you do not see often)

Seek all the support you need Margareta, you know I also separated from AH BF in a new city, working with him daily, just one real friend (but had a very busy lifestyle) so the context does not work in your favor but now I wish I had talked more then instead of isolating, please do not isolate.

Just for the record this happened 8 months ago and now I have more self esteem, a new way of seeing my past (specialized training for TakingCharge in order for her to learn what love is, feels, looks like... ), a couple of GREAT friends, a promising love prospect, a much greater faith in God/HP, a better relation with parents (work in progress...), gratitude, more sanity and if you had seen me before you would have never expected it.

I was Dead Girl Walking and had already booked a gun to use with myself... yup, that is how much accumulated pain I felt. Coming out from denial is painful, I know... but its so rewarding... hang in there my friend, it gets better I promise!! Time is your friend.

bluejay6

This is a CLASSIC ADDICT CON.

He has almost convinced you that you have

Betrayed him.
Abandoned him.
Ignored his needs.
Put yourself first.

Exactly what he did for the past seven years.

He is pulling the classic addict mind f*** on you. Don't allow it.

And don't believe him when he says he's sober. Don't believe anything he says.

He wants you to feel bad, he is relishing his power to make you feel bad, he wants to reject you and make you beg for him and do anything for him, he wants complete control so he can do whatever he wants, including drink or any other selfish destructive behavior he chooses.

See this for what it is and if I were you, I'd withdraw completely from this man.

Of course, when you do, he'll eventually be back. Same old games.

Be careful. Don't be paralyzed. He is working you.