ellima01

When AH was in periods of sobriety (and even sometimes when not) he was always my best friend- and I was his- that was even how he had melisted in his cell "my best friend" I miss that today so much- I realize what has happened and that I can never go back- but right now it's a little unbearable. I feel like I have lost so much in my life- not to be whiny- but I have - I lost my 1st husband to cancer and I lose this one to alcohol and the OW. y whole life has been loss- Iam just tired and foolishly missing something I will never have again- Thakns for listening.

GiveLove

Who says you will never have a trusted best friend again?

Ellima, that is just not true. The "best friend" you had turned out to not be trustworthy or respectful or honest or...well, any of those things. I understand how you want that feeling back, and how sad it is to not be able to have it with him, but NEVER EVER doubt that you can recover, adjust, fix yourself, and find friends (best and otherwise) who will truly, truly be there for you. Who you can believe. Who don't put alcohol before you. Who really are interested in your well-being.

AH wasn't. Sad, but true. But out there are many, many more people you can invite into your life to see whether they can bring joy to you. If yes, they get to stay. If no, they get the boot.

Never doubt that happiness is possible.
I know this hurts, but it is the pain of removing this cancer from your life -- it will save your life AND prepare you for better times ahead. I swear it.

Have you read "Codependent No More" yet? Have you tried Al-Anon meetings?

TakingCharge999

Hi ellima, I know the feeling very well ((hugs))

It sucks when you know them beforehand (or maybe its just the addiction hiding for you to be attracted? I do not know).

And if they always showed their true colors, it would be so much easier! It is all the more difficult when there were really good times. And it hurt me a great deal when I knew he could let all those moments go in exchange for JACK DANIELS WHISKEY.

So, it sucks because you had an idea of the person and then WHAM it was all a sham and you do not know what was real anymore...

I also miss what seemed to be my best friend at the time. But I know that person is dead, too, and I need to mourn him and move on...

Sometimes I start feeling compassion and conclude my best friend is not lost, because I carry the memories and I enjoyed the moments 100% and at least MY heart was there - that AH's best traits I carry with me, all my life, and he is still alive in that sense - and it helps a little.

Then I overhear he calls me an enemy and I am just like, what, how can you suddenly forget what we lived? And I just want to forget him, ALL about him and our story together, I do not give a damn anymore and feel like a total idiot for longing someone that TODAY June 12th, 2009 at 3:40 PM CDT is so cruel and selfish - a typical alcoholic in deep denial.

It is just madness.

Please be extra gentle with yourself ((hugs))

ellima01

Thanks- I really do today- want to forget him and EVERYTHING we shared- because at least for me- It hurts to much to remember. I still love him but I do not want that feeling anymore. And I guess I do feel some sort of a title on him - wrong to do so I guess, but in my heart when someone gives their life to you in marriage- they are yours- not anymore I guess- but it is hard for me to let that go.

Romey4

Hi Ellima,

I know what its like to miss your best friend...lost mine too when xabf and I split. I miss the banter, funny conversations, playing sports together, long talks...of course, when sober. I have tons of other "friends" but none that could take his place. However, when the loneliness gets to me, my dog, Pasha, is there to love me back to happy thoughts!


Sorry for your pain...
Peace

FunnyOne

For me the long talks were genuine and caring and fun, fast forward: not remembered the next day, fast forward: non existent even though he was physically present. I wonder if you look at it that way, if you can understand that you were losing your best friend all along, like your first to cancer, insidiously, slowly, interiorly....Loss sucks. I am sorry for you. I've had a lot too. You tend to feel that your first husband didn't have a choice right? And this seems like a choice but I think after awhile, addiction really might not be a choice. (((hugs)))

FreeBird09

I am sorry for your losses, it is hard. I understand why you feel so at a loss over your AH. Mine was my HS Sweetheart. I ADORED him. He took something so wonderful, to me and turned it into something shameful and disastrous.. I too put all my 'eggs in one basket' and felt that I lost my best friend, but his best friend was always the bottle and will remain so until HE chooses to live. The memories are the best, but they were all part of what relationships are. He treated everything good we did (traveling, riding motorcycle, etc) as something he did for just ME. It was part of a relationship. I love my memories, they make me laugh, and they make me cry, and they helped make me who I am today. And.. so will yours. You will get a better friend, in time.. one that will treat you like you deserve, especially after going through so much. Your joy is on it's way!!.