MissFixit

Dear Friends,

Hello. Please hold back on the tough love on me right now.

L is getting married tomorrow up the street from my Dad's house (where I am staying). The wedding party (our friends) will arrive today. I am terrified of walking or driving around as I am scared to see anyone.

I am getting a massage this morning and applying for another 2 jobs online. Moving forward right? I told my father that I was feeling really low today and he proceeded with the "you need to get over it" stuff and told me that I should not be scared of seeing anyone. He wants me to go the the gym (in that hotel) with him tonight. I said that I was not going anywhere near there and he got mad with me. My guess is that he thinks I am a coward or too emotional. This is my hometown and neighborhood and they are the ones invading our club/"hood." I think it is a territorial thing with him, but I feel even worse and now wimpy after talking with him.

Please help. Feeling low.

Miss

GiveLove

Forgive me for being so forward - and know this is just my personal opinion but -- your dad needs to get off your back.

For better or for worse, whether or not it's "right," this is a hard time right now for you, and the old macho "jump right in there with both feet" thing is really inappropriate imho. You can buck up some other time.

But missfixit.........what are you doing there? Why are you tormenting yourself?
Why can't you go somewhere else for the weekend? There are so many lovely towns in the country in your part of the world.....why not just get out of dodge, go stay at a nice B&B, drive to the beach, just get the heck out of there. I am a big believer in room service and swimming in the hotel pool as a healing methodology It has helped me through more emotional crises than I can count.

You will survive this. But what's keeping you there? Are you forcing yourself to stay there for some reason?

tallulah

Ughh.. I can relate. I've had about my fill of well meaning but woefully wrooong people who think I should be in the place they envisage themselves to be IF they were in my situation. I answer it with.. you're not me and you've not been in my position.

I'm sure your Dad means well but if you don't wanna deal with it face on then you don't have to. It's ok to feel what you're feeling. It's ok not to want to go to the place it is happening. It's ok to feel crappy about it. Feel it.. process it.. move through it.. at your pace. Do what you need to do to get through it as unscathed as possible. And remember, it is not forever.. just a couple of days :ghug

MissFixit

Thanks Givelove.

My father is like that in all aspects of life. He is very "move forward and repress emotions." Do not show weakness... I am having massive crying spells this morning and taking anti-anxieties to calm down.

I just keep saying to myself "I am okay. He is sick to do this. I am okay..."

I am here as I have little money (the reason I am job hunting from Dad's house, and yes my job feel through too!!!!). I would love to go away, maybe I will. My mind feels cloudy for some reason. I am headed to my massage. Will write more when I return.

Thank you for the thoughts and advice. I am feeling very low.

Miss

TakingCharge999

((MissFixIt))

Ugh, I can relate too.

Yesterday a coworker told me that everyone in the office thought I was STILL angry and resentful as I have NO CONTACT with xAH and that I should at least say Hi to xAH from far away or visit ppl around his area so "not to look bad".

:wtf2

The good thing is that I am healthier now and I do not care AT ALL what they think

Also, because I take a totally different path from/to work to avoid xAH. Ppl told me I am "letting him control me" but no,I do this for ME, it gives me peace.

Whatever it takes MissFixIt, why not rent lots of movies (comedy!!). I love Woody Allen's movies as they always show how relations suck, LOL. Or rent something totally unrelated to romance. A short trip away would be nice, too.

Or also, perhaps you can stay home and take this new wave of feelings to get more of the 'emotional trash' out and journal and cry and REALLY mean it, and use it to your advantage instead of fighting it?

This is totally understandable, a HUGE trigger, know it is temporary and be glad you are not the one entangling your life with that man. (I know its easier said than done)

And your dad, well he is temporarily quacking. I was SO frustrated when I was a total mess and my dad just said "time heals everything" and now he is like "great you are feeling better". ARGHHH!!!! Made me want to scream... but they mean well... since I accepted he will never give me the emotional support I need its easier to relate to him

Perhaps its also conditioning? men around me always have the need to 'demonstrate'. You do not need to demonstrate anything to anyone.

All the best!!

GiveLove

Please do check in later -- we care about you and want to help you through this weekend.

Here are some good stay-at-home things I have done in my life when I thought I would go crazy about some crisis going on:

1) Massage (good job!!!)
2) Going to an excellent movie + popcorn (immersion in another world...pick an uplifting film that makes you feel part of a bigger world)
3) Going to a concert that raises the roof (classical, punk, doesn't matter)
4) Special-purpose dates with girlfriends, where you ask their help staying focused on the NOW and on the FUTURE, no exceptions
5) Exercise of my choice until I'm too exhausted to even think straight
6) Using herbal sleep remedies to go to sleep early and get up late the next morning, shortening the waking hours
7) Volunteering for something that is fifty times more important than who my X was with or not with (the gift of perspective)
8) Cutting out all unnecessary salt, sugar, alcohol, and any other depressants. No exceptions. Taking a B-complex stress vitamin was really helpful too.
9) An appointment with a counselor for really seriously bad days

Mainly, this kind of short-term intensive damage control plan is all about forcing my mind to stay focused on the good, on the future, on my own health, and on my role in the community -- NONE of which had anything to do with my X.

Hang tough, missfixit --you will get through these days, and the days beyond.

Still Waters

For you MissFixit,

:ghug3

bluejay6

Maybe Dad is a test for your recovery? Be who you are with HIM and you'll be less likely to again be dominated by an addict. We get lots of codie tests.

I like GL's recommendations.

xx

GiveLove

So true. A teacher once told me to "treat every difficult person in your life like a little, noisy zen master, trying to teach you some important lesson...you just have to figure out what that lesson IS..."

I've never forgotten that.

MissFixit

Thanks Givelove. The Massage was nice and the lady even ran over time without charging me. I had a chicken taco salad for lunch and took a nice hot bath.

Dad called the house and asked me to visit our 97 year old former neighbor whom I have not seen since I was 17. Strange you ask? I think Dad is passively trying to be nice and get me to do other things...i.e. service. I told him that I was feeling a little badly to go right now, but I will visit him over the weekend.

I might see a movie tomorrow. Angels and Demons has poor ratings, but I like Tom Hanks. This week seems to be the early summer dry spell for movies.

It rained last night and the plantings Dad and I have made really look good. There is a bunny in the backyard that I have been trying to feed carrots to each morning and I think yesterday and today the bunny finally got to them before the other critters did.

My head feels cloudy. I don't know what that is, but it is like being sleepy or drowsy without reason.

Thank you all for writing and sharing with me.

Miss


My phone and email are not ringing/beeping so I feel like everyone is avoiding me. Avoiding causing more pain right now. A blessing not to know.

I will go for a long walk tonight up the mountain, hopefully avoiding hotel traffic.

MissFixit

Anvil.

Hey. You are right. I have nothing to fear in the literal sense. I fear embarassment. I fear seeing them and my heart breaking more. I fear crying in front of any of them. I fear looking at him and loving him. I fear her saying something to me. I fear losing my cool.

Maybe I will go the gym with Dad. He will be there to give the evil eye. I have avoided a confrontation for months and maybe that was the wrong thing to do. However, I do not want to be the crazy ex who is accused of stalking them at their wedding...despite the damn thing being up my street in another state from where they live.

Damnit! I would just never treat someone like this. I have had plenty of opporuntities to be ugly to exes and have never chosen to do so. Always taken the high road and now I am pissed to be here. Sorry for the rant. (As I get off my high horse).

Miss

GiveLove

I'm voting for a plane ticket to fly Anvil to MissFixitVille, if you ask me. Sounds like very little of the town would be left standing when the two of you got done with it. Perfect!

Hang in there, Miss. This is a big kerchunk in the road, for sure, but when you're up the road a few more miles, it'll seem like a little bitty speed bump.

nowwhat

(((Miss Fixit)))

What an awful day this is for you. I imagine I'll be here posting something similar some day. I can't fathom how painful it must be. Try to remember what a big "prize" your X is and that YOU weren't willing to put up with the BS. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Thinking of you.

Startingover2

These kinds of day suck and no matter what you do it will be in the back of your mind. Its one of those things you just have to live through.

I am like you. I will hide in my house. I don't want others to see my pain.

My mother is like your dad. She is wondering why I am not out having fun like my exah is? Why is it he can get all these dates and my phone never rings? Well mom, I have a toddler and Im 44 years old! Really narrows down my dating pool to almost nil. She cannot accept the fact that I mostly likely will be alone.

Your dad loves you and is protecting you even though its not coming off well.

Get the heck outta Dodge tomorrow. Sunday will be a better day.

MissFixit

Good Morning.

Thanks for the funny thoughts. Today is D-day, so I am trying to pretend (as fantasy is better than reality with active A's) that he does not exist and that the last 4 years did not take place. I have been at school for 2 of the 4, so I am pretending that I was simply at school and before that I cannot remember. Freud would have issues with this line of thinking I am sure, but he is dead. I choose dealing with reality on another day...

There is an 11am or 12pm movie playing across town, so I think I will go see that. Dad wants to pick up doughnuts (he used to do that on weekends when I was a kid), so that will be yummy. Givelove, I know you said no sugar, but I am opting for sugar and no alcohol. The few times I have had alcohol in the last several months, I wake up feeling awful the next day and depressed for about the following 2. For 4 years, I have basically been a non-drinker and it hits me really hard and very badly now.

Without L in my life, I never would have thought about the dangers or bad effects of drinking, although I wasn't a heavy drinker. Not drinking gives you a totally different prespective and one that I feel fresher or clearer with. He showed me the bad side of alcohol, so no fears of alcoholism for me! Wine with the girls on special occassions is fun so I will keep drinking to that, and I am a lightweight even then. If I ever date again, I will be a cheap date. hehehe

I am going to write throughout the weekend to keep my sanity. Thank you for reading.

Miss

Jadmack25

I do feel for you with this happening under your nose, and the pain and hurt must be hell for you. Getting away and taking care of YOU, is the most important goal just now.
You invested so much of yourself and your life in him and he threw it all back at you, that wasn't your failure or fault, that was his befuddled choice.

So now he is making promises to someone else, and from his past behavior they will be out the window at some time when it suits him. Someone else will be living the same bs you copped, and you are FREE of it all. You don't have to listen anymore to his quacking, lies etc, or watch him misbehave. That is someone elses cross to bear.

Now hold your head up, tell yourself that you are free to explore YOUR future life with that millstone no longer holding you back, and that you deserve a REAL man, a REAL loving relationship and the best life you can possibly imagine.

Don't envy her for being with him, in fact look on her with sympathy, after all you have been there and survived it all, she is just arriving and has it to go through.

God bless

MeHandle

Try not to dwell on this. Make a mental choice not to dwell by the exercise of reading something encouraging which can help move you mind and heart to think of good things. You can google verses of God's promises. This would be a good way to set your mind to dwell with something that tells you how precious you are and how much you are loved. A day to be reminded of your God given worth. Enjoy the massage,well, you may have had it already by the time i wrote this.:-) In that case hope you enjoyed it.

Today is a perfect day to choose to invest in whatever encourages your well being. Act and dwell on these things. Taste something you like, eat something you like, look at and see something you like. Touch something you like. Listen to something you like, speak something you like. Do what you want, not what you wish you weren't doing!!!!

My to sense worth.:-)

love tammy

MissFixit

Thanks Jadmack.

This weekend I need hugs, sweetness and positive thoughts. That is exactly what the nice folks like you are giving me, thank you!!!!! How great it feels to know exactly what I need today. I was so lost and just for now, I know how to care for myself, what to take and what to leave.

I recieved a call last night from a friend who told me dirt on the wedding. I didn't need to know but she wanted me to know that it isn't the dream wedding that I had imagined. Very few people are going as they do not support this union. The OW/new wife makes jokes about how they will go to rehab together after the honeymoon, and the prenup she was to sign has mysteriously been forgotten about. It has NOTHING to do with me and it is NONE of my business, yet somehow I feel better. A catered party was thrown for them with hundreds of people invited and only 2!!! people showed up. Two hours into the party they were calling folks to please stop by. Sad.

Karma, right? It isn't just me who sees what is going on. It is unhealthy validation for sure, but I feel like I am not the crazy one who overracted or misjudged. I still feel insecure, but less so. I probably should not write that, but I want to get it out.

Returning to fantasy day...by the way the bunny in Dad's back yard is eating the carrots I am putting out for him! I am trying to trick him into being domesticated.

Miss

TakingCharge999

Hi Miss!! ((hugs))

Great to see you are taking care! Today is a wonderful, quiet sunny day down here.

Have you watched this video? I saw it and remembered you, try in youtube: "Wear sunscreen". Quite inspiring, I hope you get a chance to see it!

Loved the bunny, I think its a good omen for you do you know the symbolism of rabbits/hares?

Life, healing, clear-sightedness, gentleness / Luck; trust; love; friendship

Nourishment, rebirth, regeneration, renewal and fertility

Older than Christianity, the symbolism of the hare is thus a celebration of life's continuation with rebirth, as in each spring, the rabbit expresses hope that life will be renewed, and better than before.

I understand how you feel now that you got this information about their reality... we self torture ourselves thinking its all roses NOW and they are now PERFECT and ... well, in reality... nothing has changed. At all.

God saved you from more madness and misery I hope you remember this!

ENJOY THE DONUT & KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!!! (that is a phrase I did not think I would say today LOL)

MissFixit

Good Morning.

I am here checking in.

Miss