catlady61

I know, I know this is the dumbest thing I could do, but I have been crying for hours & hours...... I have a headache now and I know that it hurts no one but me.........still I could not control my emotions.

Yesterday seemed like a fairly good day for my ABF & me, well thats after he said he had to go see his DUI case worker ...and came back 5 hours later....... of course I sat here wondering if he went to see "his new friend". He called to apologize for taking so long.....and was on his way. Well, we went grocery shopping, been a very long time since "we" did "anything" so I listened & listened all the way to him talk about all that he is learning etc.......chit chat works for us....talking about things unrelated to "us". Anything weather, tv programs, mutual friends, even bills.

So, today I woke up analyzing all of it.....I am angry at myself for doing this, why do I need to look for signs that this man "wanted" to do anything with me. Why can't I take the day by day for what it is?

Why do I feel like crying all the time? Its not like I have never been down this road with him before...... I guess last time, we did not live together, and last time he was not getting all this wonderful "help" that changes these people into strangers ....sorry but my ABF seems overly snotty (not toward me) just in general without alcohol and or the guilt he carried with it.

ok now, got that off my chest, maybe if I just go to sleep I will feel better tomorrow.....

TakingCharge999

Cry all you need, dear catlady. Cry it all, release the toxins, feel what you need to feel.

I hope you rest and tomorrow you remember you have a lot of friends and family that want to see you happy. You are just at the thick of the forest. You will come out stronger and wiser. This is just another passing show.

You are not dumb for crying!! You are a strong woman reorganizing her priorities.

I hope you create spaces for yourself - to walk alone, to talk to a counselor, to journal, to visit a church if you are a believer, to post here in SR. Ask HP for clarity and whatever you need. And it will be given in abundance.

REMEMBER you deserve the very best!

TONS of hugs!!

Lilly Burn

Catlady, crying is good, it releases tension, sleeping is good, if your body is saying sleep, do it if you can, once I was over the worst when my A husband left and couldnt sleep! I slept so much and it is a restorative. You shouldnt be angry with yourself, I begged my AH back at least 12 times during our 6 year marriage, gave him such control, was such a good enabler and I too used to look for crumbs to reassure myself that he still cared..its what Toby Drew says keeps us attached, which is why we let it keep happening to us and leaves us scared or at least I was always scared he would leave again...he did and i refuse all contact with him (4 months now) and Im in a different place, not better but everyone says how much less tense I am...keeping things right, watching for signs, trying to keep him happy...its so exhausting. My social life is lovely, no worrying there about what he is or will do!
My dear friends (mutual friends) got really fed up with my AH and said what he couldnt stand was his holier than thou attitude when he was drunk and his holier than thou attitude when he wasnt drinking and going to AA. His grandiose attitude, his Im special, different etc attitude was as much present when he wasnt drinking..I know exactly what you mean when you say hes being snotty, its just that they do think they are special and he is getting special attentiion from all those people!!! So he now knows hes not your average Jo!!
Take care and just know they all sing from the same hymn sheet and this forum really helps us understand that and feel less alone.. Hugs from Lillyxxx

FSquared

You're not alone with the crying and looking for signs. I've given up the search for validation. Its maddeningly unfulfilling.

Still Waters

Nothing wrong with a good cry.

Are you getting therapy help yet catlady? Or getting to al-anon meetings?

bluejay6

I'm so sorry, Cat. He has you under control, exactly where he wants you. And you are suffering because his behavior is cold, inhuman, decimating to your soul. You are crying your eyes out for hours and hours because you cannot believe the same man you shared so many wonderful moments with IN THE PAST is the same man who is now so selfish, so indifferent, so unloving.

He is treating you as if you don't matter, as if he is just tolerating you, and you are accepting it because he has you trained, Cat. He has you trained and he is in control of your life now.

I am hoping that all the crying is your bottom, dear Cat. The hurricane before the calm. I am hoping this is your detox and once it is done, all the tears, all the shakes, all the sickness, then you will be clear and will have the resolve to make your necessary changes.

I am so sorry for your suffering. I, too, had those hours and hours and weeks and weeks and weeks of crying. Many here have.

I look back now and wonder at the level of my grief. I think I just had not ever experienced such an emotional battering from another person. And the personality flip had really messed up my mind.

God bless you today, Cat. You get well.

TakingCharge999

I look back now and wonder at the level of my grief. I think I just had not ever experienced such an emotional battering from another person. And the personality flip had really messed up my mind.

Thank you for that, it made me feel less alone. After 8 months I am still shocked. Then having to see AH daily, the same voice, the same laugh, the same way of walking, the same face - but someone else. I felt I was going mad.

How are you today, catlady?

catlady61

Well, today feels like a better day. I still want to cry, but I came here first! So, knowing there are so many of us that have been lied to and hurt and apparently manipulated into thinking this is our fault I am wondering how the alcoholic even thinks that this is justified.

As for my ABF, I have been listening to him talk.....I figure at least he is talking now......and I realize that I always knew there was something I was missing back over the years, now I truly believe that this man has other mental issues.......

I am going to get myself together one day, I have to there is no choice. I am in so much pain because all I can see is the past and the love we shared and I want it back.

ok, I will be back...if I keep writing right now I will start crying again.....I will do some housework.....

LaTeeDa

Well, you are absolutely right that you have no choice. I remember being 24 years old and a size 4 and I want it back. It's just not going to happen.

Unlike the car, life doesn't have a 'reverse.' It only goes forward. And if you keep looking in the rear view mirror, your going to crash!

L

catlady61

AHHHHHH, so true, I have questioned myself on that already anvilhead!! LOL Trust me I have not been blind to what my ABF is or has been doing.......... and I guess if you ask me why I love him I would think about it and I know the answers and I know the reasons that are rolling around in my heart, but my head says I have no idea ! Can it be that I dont want anyone else to have him??? I saw a pic on one of his friends Facebook today...... yes, I printed it out & stared at it all day, its still sitting here. Its a pic of him and the girl he says he met or started talking to "4" months ago. Nice! Pic is from "7" months ago. She is young enough to be our daughter!! Obviously has no ailments yet... I cant believe she knows anything about him other than where he works and mutual friends...none of those people even know that I exist ......ughhhhhhhhhhhh why did I look???

BWY08

God this sums it up for me. I've been thinking about this the past few days. My self-esteem is still taking a beating even though my relationship with my exAB was over 6 weeks ago. I don't want him back, but like you said, I don't think I've ever taken such a emotional battering by someone I loved.

Thanks for the post....

catlady61

Yes, thats exactly it BWY08, Bluejay summed it all up perfectly!!! Man!!! its so hard to swallow being rejected, hurt, tormented, blamed, and then discarded as if we never were!!! And yet I am still here waiting for more........... I feel crazy

Daisy30

Have you considered al-anon? or counceling? I have to tell you until you deal with yourself and why you accept unacceptable behavior, You will keep finding yourself in these kinds of relationships......ask me how I know

catlady61

I am looking for a place close by to go to al-anon....... counseling no not at this point....... but thankfully I have found all of you !!!!!

Thanks

Freedom1990

*jumps up and down on chair wildly waving my hand*

Been there, done that, got that t-shirt too many times myself!

catlady61

Do any of us ever feel like just getting drunk to numb the pain????? Trying to steer clear ...but seems so inviting ....but I know I would only be hurting my own recovery .....ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hh

catlady61

Jeez I am glad I didnt do that!!! Some days are harder than others, and today is in between. Looking for a job .....working from home or otherwise. One day at a time !!!

Wascally Wabbit

I too have been through the days long crying jags only to be left with a headche and swollen eyes that lasted two days!

I can't really add to anything others have said except for this.
The older I get, the more I treat my life like a business.
I invest in my business and continue to manage it well so that that I can profit from it.
My business is my life. I don't manage any one elses life, just my own.
In doing this, I am more in control of how I react to others. Usually, where chaos is concerned, I back away. I flee from it.