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mentally drained and emotionaly empty

Old 06-11-2009, 07:55 PM
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mentally drained and emotionaly empty

Today has been over the top! Of course he returned and promised to stop drinking....but I guess I knew he would. He was SO angry that I talked to his parents, but they were there when he went to rehab before and I wasn't...I knew they'd understand. This set him off so much that he called me all kinds of cruel names and told me how worthless I am...and he wasn't even drunk....

Here is what I am trying to understand. He said that drinking is not the real problem that we have others. He said I am psychotic and control and all I do is complain and that we argue whether he drinks or not. The latter part is true we do argue, but when we do it is ussually because I am so hurt by what happened when he was drunk. No matter what I said he believes I am wrong and at fault...

How do you have a conversation with someone, who even sober, blames you and won't listen? How do you save a marriage if when you try to communicate and insults are hurled at you? I wish I could understand....
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Old 06-11-2009, 08:04 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through this. And it comes as no surprise to anybody here that he's back. It's the oldest trick in the book.

A question I might ask you is this: Why do you WANT to save a marriage to a man who treats you like dirt? (actually, I'm a gardener; I treat my dirt better than he's treating you) Why do you think that's the best you can aspire to? Why do you think you deserve this treatment?

He is making you feel like this is your fault. That's the second-oldest trick in the book.

We all deserve to be loved and respected. Try to get some sleep, friend, and look at this with fresh eyes tomorrow.

You are free in this moment to have any kind of life you want. The only catch: you can't change someone else into somebody they're not.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 06-11-2009, 08:51 PM
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How do you have a conversation with someone, who even sober, blames you and won't listen? How do you save a marriage if when you try to communicate and insults are hurled at you? I wish I could understand....
It takes two willing participants to work on a marriage.

What can you change? You.

Living with an Alcoholic changed me in ways I didn't even know until I started my own recovery.

Things that help(ed) me were going to Al-anon, posting here and educating myself about the disease.

Be gentle with yourself
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Old 06-11-2009, 10:15 PM
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Hi! I will say what others say in these cases... if this was a stranger saying these things to you, what would your reaction be? why is it any different with him?

When are you going to protect your heart from this man? He obviously has not changed a bit and does not seem to plan on doing it anytime soon (it may take several reincarnations from someone that sounds so stubborn)
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Old 06-11-2009, 10:38 PM
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:sorry, I know just how you feel.

God Bless
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Old 06-12-2009, 04:17 AM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
Here is what I am trying to understand. He said that drinking is not the real problem that we have others. He said I am psychotic and control and all I do is complain and that we argue whether he drinks or not. The latter part is true we do argue, but when we do it is ussually because I am so hurt by what happened when he was drunk. No matter what I said he believes I am wrong and at fault...

How do you have a conversation with someone, who even sober, blames you and won't listen? How do you save a marriage if when you try to communicate and insults are hurled at you? I wish I could understand....
I tried to understand the nonsense for a long time. I really did. It nearly drove me crazy. So you are not alone there.

Your husband is doing the classic deflection tactic. This happens alot with addicts and non addicts. Your the problem. Its easier for them to blame someone else then to say "ya I screwed up". My A used to say that we didnt get along. He was right we didnt get along. I was trying to have a relationship with someone who was having ANOTHER relationship with a substance. There was no competition. I got tired of fighting for it.

He wont listen because he cant "hear" you. His addiction is talking very loudly in his mind and there is no room for anything else.

Honestly the only way your gonna save your marriage is if your husband gets sober. It is impossible to have a normal healthy loving relationship with someone in active addiction. It just isnt possible. EVEN IF he was still loving, good provider, good with the kids yada yada in active addiction they will choose the drug/alcohol over and over. Its not YOU its HIM.

I bought a series of books called "Getting them Sober". Wonderful set of short read books. If you are gonna try and continue living with your husband my advice would be get ahold of those books ASAP.
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Old 06-12-2009, 06:24 AM
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I am sorry you are going through this too. I swear they all come with the same book of how to treat the 'hostage' they take. I could have written your post from my own experience. It is brutal and we start to think if we are really crazy. I went as far as to record us when he was drinking, as he always said I started a fight which caused him to go off on me, and I believed him... until I listened to the recording. I still listen to the recording when I feel like 'if I only did something different, I could have made him stop drinking'.

I will pray that things get better for you. You are worthy of all good things, and in time they will come your way. It's a hard road, but a worthwhile trip.
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Old 06-12-2009, 07:10 AM
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They are all the same. Of course its your fault that he drinks or makes hideous choices! That way he doesn't have to look in the mirror.

My exah told me I was controlling. Yep, maybe I was. I was bitching and moaning about his drinking. Good luck finding someone that will put up with it long term. He said the demise of our marriage was we 'just couldn't get along'. I think they all sing the same song!

He is just trying to avoid pointing the finger at himself.
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Old 06-12-2009, 12:38 PM
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Oh, so sorry....this is tearing apart your psyche.

Until we really finally understand addiction, we continue to think that we can change things by using just the right words. We keep thinking that if only we can find the magic words or actions, then the addict will come around, he'll finally understand and then he'll say "I'm so sorry. I'm an addict, I'm messed up, and I am on my way to a 90-day rehab."

It is so sad, and tragic, but nothing you say is going to change things for the better, and worse: what you say will be twisted and held against you.

You are threat to his addiction, his grandiosity, his tyranny toward anyone who dares question him.

You are in severe emotional danger, Mentally. Stick with us.
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