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The Fourth Step Opened My Eyes

Old 06-11-2009, 10:07 AM
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The Fourth Step Opened My Eyes

I have been going to al-anon since February and have been working the steps. The first step took a while, but I didn't have trouble with the second and third steps. It has taken me a lot of self reflection and time to do the fourth step. When I examined my list, I noticed that most of my problem items in my list were caused by a lack of self-worth or self-esteem (the gross lack of it). I realized I had that problem before, but I didn't realize how it was effecting my life! I let the alcoholic in my life (and a lot of other people) use me and abuse me because I just truely felt that I had to put up with it and that by putting up with it, I was a good person and a good wife (martyr). More like the perfect doormat! Wow! I let people treat me like dirt and then expected them to somehow see the error of their ways and be sorry and treat me with respect and love! That just NEVER happens in real life. I've done this for years, and for me it is not an admirable quality. No wonder I was suffering, but that is the way I was raised (be nice to EVERYONE always and don't ask for anything and NEVER be angry or "make" anybody angry and always be happy and smile and be quiet and try to "make" everybody like you - this is what makes for a "good girl"! Now I have seen the error of MY ways and am standing up for myself and becoming more assertive. I have my HP to thank for this as I could never have done it myself. Now I am feeling more free to be who I really am. I still have a ways to go, but looking at my past, I can see how far I have come! It does "work if you work it!"
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Old 06-11-2009, 10:49 AM
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Congratulations

My experience is the revelations don't stop coming either, as in "more will be revealed", incredibly powerful stuff as long as I keep "working it".

One of my favorite quotes of all times is "People hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably found we have made a decision based on self that put us in a position to be hurt."

For me that puts the "power" back in my hands, I yell, rant, rave, but always return to the "decision based on self that put me in a position to be hurt" and always find it eventually.

It's never not there.

Sometimes it was a decision I made in childhood or a learned behavior from my childhood, it's not about "fault" it's about learning and changing the patterns I have allowed in my life that cause me suffering.

I'm very proud of you

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Old 06-11-2009, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Ago View Post
One of my favorite quotes of all times is "People hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably found we have made a decision based on self that put us in a position to be hurt."
One of the most powerful and sublime sentences in the Big Book, in my opinion. Thanks.
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Old 06-12-2009, 06:15 AM
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Congrats for your progress and thank you for sharing it. I'm staring at that step right now and am slowly working through it. I can't wait to come out on the other side.
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