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he left me today

Old 06-11-2009, 08:02 AM
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he left me today

Funny...I guess....I most have shown that I couldn't take much more. He left me this morning....I asked him to stop drinking yesterday, he had one beer last night....now he left. The truth is I don't know if I am upset or relieved? He said he was going to his parents, and I kept his drinking a secret until now, so I did let them know. I don't know what I am going to do now.....I have no idea.
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Old 06-11-2009, 08:06 AM
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Do you have any support? Friends, family, or al-anon meetings?
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Old 06-11-2009, 08:08 AM
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I am so sorry. I was just reading your other post. He will do anything to protect his addiction. Let his parents deal with him now, although don't be surprised if they go into denial mode as well. You have no idea what he will tell them.

There is something mentally that happens when an A leaves the sober person. There are some threads recently here about being the dumpee in the A relationship. It really screws with your head even more. I will try and find those.

He may be back. He may be trying to scare or guilt you into accepting any behavior from him just to keep him there. Take this time to decide what you think is best for you and your children.

I would also start thinking about protecting yourself financially and with the kids. Set your boundaries. Maybe even seek some legal counsel.
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Old 06-11-2009, 08:09 AM
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You are going to live the very best life you can. You are going to be responsible for youself and your own happiness. You are no longer going to dread watching your AH walk to the fridge wondering if he's taking out another beer. You are free! (((HUGS)))
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Old 06-11-2009, 08:11 AM
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((mentallyexh))

My STBXAH left me in August last year. This was the best gift he has ever given me. I hope that you too will come to see it this way. In the meantime, start to focus on you, how you want to live and enjoy the peace!

Last edited by bookwyrm; 06-11-2009 at 08:12 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:06 AM
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What do you need most urgently right now? Lots of very smart people here who have been through this.

We can help. Please ask.

And try to take a deep breath. Sometimes, in times of crisis, "one day at a time" is even too much....we've had to take it five minutes at a time.

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Old 06-11-2009, 09:20 AM
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I have found that you will have struggles & good days, no matter what. But if he was around, there would be many more. Why do I want to live with all that??? You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't change it.


“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
~ Maria Robinson

"Maybe where there's clarity of air, there's clarity of thought." ~ Chet Huntley
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:50 AM
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I agree with GiveLove. It's important to just take a few minutes off today from even thinking about the "what nows?" and just breathe. This is a new gift you are allowed to give yourself now, with him out of the house. You will be busy enough with the kids and the baby. So start today with being what you might call a tad selfish, and give yourself 5 minutes or 50 minutes off, just to breathe, relax, and be mindless. It's very important to take a mental break from the awfulizing that goes on in the mind of a codie out-of-control with worry.

Do you have other family members who will help you in the immediate days here? How do you feel about not being married to this man? If it is a real choice you've been considering and were not sure how to make it happen, today could be your HP's way of giving you a BIG gift. I would ask you to think about that one seriously for a minute. If you do truly think that you want out of this marriage, then his leaving will actually be a big godsend to you. I know, I know, it sounds very calculating to think these types of thoughts right now, but in hindsight you might be glad you turned off the emotion for a minute and thought in a practical fashion.

He may think he's doing this to just scare you into letting him come home and continue to drink. What you get to do here, though, is realize that YOU don't have to EVER let that type of behavior come back in your door again if you don't want it. Personally, I would stand totally firm and not allow him back. He made the choice, I'd pack his stuff and say here ya go. He is going to sober up eventually and realize that he left his wife and child and probably regret the leaving. Don't be surprised if he calls withing the next day or two and is sorry and remorseful and wants to return. YOU DON'T HAVE TO LET HIM IF YOU DON'T WANT TO, because he left. That is the way a court will see it also. He left you and the child, not you leaving him.

THEN, if he would decide that HIS drinking is out of control and HE needs to do something about it, it will up to HIM to quit. YOU can breathe freely meanwhile, in YOUR alcoholic-free home with YOUR children who deserve a home filled with safety and love. You can also decide at some time in the future (IF he seeks treatment and sobriety) to try again at your marriage. BUT for now, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO BACK to living that way any more if you don't want to.

Don't look at this as a rejection of YOU. Look at this as an opportunity for YOU to make a very necessary change in YOUR life and the lives of your CHILDREN. You all deserve a home that is free of violence and yelling and anger. That is NOT love nor is it marriage as it should be. Today you get to decide what YOU want. Not him.
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Old 06-11-2009, 11:54 AM
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It's a power play. He gets to leave you and feel inflated about it like he's in control of life and you're the one with the problems.

It's a con. Don't believe it. His life is a sham because he is utterly controlled by alcohol and has lost ALL freedom.

Keep yourself safe, away from him, and when he wants to come back (very likely), know that if you take him back, he'll very likely do this again.

BJ
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Old 06-11-2009, 11:58 AM
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I understand- I'm in that same"what do I do now" situation- one hour ata time - sometimes one minute- I am making it- so will you.
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Old 06-12-2009, 06:23 AM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
He said he was going to his parents
For my AW, this was code for drinking. She would tell me that, or that she's going to stay at her friend's house after we had an argument about her drinking. Sure, she may make it up there, but at some point she will drink. In my case, her drinking was taking place IN THE CAR as she was leaving the parents house.

The point of all of that is to focus on yourself right now. Do what you want to do. There may be a chance that he will come back and blame you. (i.e. - You told his parents so they gave him grief about his drinking, so that "made" him drink) You CANNOT cause him to drink.

ellima01 gave excellent advice: if you need to, slow it down to one hour at a time. Heck, if it gets that bad, slow it down to one minute at a time. Whatever it takes for you to feel success that you survived that time period. There's a lot more minutes in a day than days in a day...so there's many more chances for successes .
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