new here - he's physically sick but also a drinker

Old 06-10-2009, 07:48 AM
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Post new here - he's physically sick but also a drinker

I just want to throw my story out there and see if anyone else is in my position... I just don't know what to do.

My boyfriend of 6 years is a drinker. I don't know if he's addicted or dependent on booze but he's got a problem. I love him with all my heart and constantly do anything I can to help him. I give him all of myself because that's my personality, that's how I work with loved ones. The past year he's been suffering with mysterious health issues. Many doctors, many tests, and a year later we still don't know what's wrong with him. I try to help him and I take care of him on his bad days. I'm the only one who really believes how sick he is. Unfortunately he turned to drinking. Now that he's discovered that a few beers makes him feel less sick he's openned a constant gateway to having things get out of control. His addiction/dependence takes over. I've been hurt by this, badly, on a few occasions.

Thankfully he's recognized he needs to change and is planning on entering a program. I think it's wonderful but am of course waiting to see if he actually does it (and actually follows the program). My problem is I'm trying to balance this fine line between what I can handle, which seems to be a common theme in these threads, and my desire to keep loving him and supporting him.

He's sick and we are both scared to find out why. I want to be there for him... but his sickness is tied so close to the drinking, and I want to be away from there. If he wasn't sick I'd back off and wait until he made changes before I entered his life again fully. After suffering a year of depression I've made great steps to focus on thinking of what's best for me. But to leave him now, when he may find out news that he needs major surgery, I just can't.

How does one balance being there for his health and at the same time distances to avoid being a victim of his drinking? How do I separate his need for support with his health from the traps of supporting an alcoholic?
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Old 06-10-2009, 08:03 AM
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I stayed because he was sick. But the sick was caused by the drinking, then he drank because he didn't feel well (nor did he admit that it was the cause) and he got sicker, and meaner, and crazier. And I stayed because he was sick, and he needed me to care for him. Then the surgeries, the following deep dive into abuse of the pain medicines, the subsequent plunge into truly frightening amounts of drinking, then the rehab (cause I kept thinking it was going to get better finally) I stayed.

And I stayed. And he treated me worse and worse, and treated my child worse and worse. And it never got any better, because by then it was all my fault and all me that was the problem.

Bottom line trying2help: You have to do what you feel you have to do. We all do. But, don't lose yourself in the mean time like I did.
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Old 06-10-2009, 08:12 AM
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tryingtohelphim-

why not change your name to tryingtohelpYOU? get the focus off of him.

it's not uncommon for those who abuse drink to have health issues. mine would bleed from the nose for days. it's alarming, all that blood. you cry out dear god he is really sick and then they keep drinking and when they're not sick, they are abusive still.

the drink is at the bottom of it. i don't think you can help him get healthy if he is still drinking as drinking a lot cause a decline in health.
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Old 06-10-2009, 08:18 AM
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Welcome to SR. You've taken a very important first step by coming here to read, learn and share. It's an important first step towards offering yourself some of the same care that you so freely give to others.
In addition to reading posts, please check out the Sticky Threads. A good book to start off with is Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. Al-Anon offers some wonderful support for people who are affected by someone elses drinking.
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Old 06-10-2009, 02:35 PM
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Is the alcohol causing his health problems? Are the health problems causing the alcohol abuse? Does it matter at this point?

Look at what chronic alcohol abuse can do, it's a wonder anyone survives;

fatty liver
hepatitis
cancer of the liver or gallbladder
cirrhosis
pancreatitis
cancer of the pancreas or spleen
ulcers
esophagitis
cancer of the esophagus
gastritis
inflammations of the intestines (colitis, Crohn's disease)
cancer of the intestines (seems the big C is a running theme!)
chronic bladder infections
cancer of the bladder
kidney failure
hypoglycemia
diabetes
bronchitis
pneumonia
lung cancer
hypertension
mycardiopathy
congestive heart failure
anemia
osteoporosis
gout
myopathies (muscle diseases)
eye inflammation
lateral nystagmus (jerking movements of eyes)
male impotence
frequent urinary tract infections
inflammation of the uterus
malnutrition
neuritis
toxic amblyopia (dimness of vision)
beriberi (vitamin b1 disorder)
pellagra (caused by vitamin b3 deficiency)
scurvy (caused by vitamin c deficiency)
neuropathies
convulsive disorders
degenerative nerve disorders
Wernicke's syndrome (mental disorder)
Korsakoff's syndrome or alcohol amnesiac disorder


That's the short list of medical diagnoses common in alcoholics, and came from a checklist to share with your doctor as he/she is diagnosing any illnesses caused by alcohol.

Scary stuff, and of course that doesn't include all the millions of other behavioral, mental health, relationship, employment etc.. issues.

oh, forgot to add death, but that's not really a diagnosis I guess.

Please just take care of YOU.. maybe he'll pay more attention to HIS HEALTH if he gets sober.. but again, that has nothing to do with you.

Glad you're here.
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