catlady61

Today is not a good day! .....I woke up, prayed to God to please help me to not feel like crying or feel such deep rejection & lonliness. Knowing that today is my alcoholic boyfriends (is he my boyfriend) day off I thought I would get up make coffee, actually get dressed and put on my make-up, and maybe since we have been talking al little more this past week maybe he would give me a little sign that would make me feel better about this stupid situation.

But, no he got up and stayed in what is now his room until he had to go "run an errand" 2 hours later on his way back he called to ask if I needed anything from the store. I said no So, he comes back has some lunch & here I am up doing laundry etc...... he lays down in his room & falls asleep (or pretends sleep) I went in and asked if he is going to sleep all afternoon? He says I just want a nap before I go to group meeting tonight, ok he leaves for that at 6:30.

I feel so stupid for having gotten up and made the effort, I feel like he is gone.......he says he is willing to take it day by day ......... ok maybe its just me searching for the olive branch to grasp, its only been a week since out of desperation I began talking to him without deep anger & resentment. Am I trying to hard too fast? Is he doing it to me again? Putting up every excuse in the book just so he can exclude me? oh wait let me rephrase that, Putting up every excuse because this is not about me, he is doing what he needs to do for him.

Since my job closed their doors I am here at home all day everyday my sons come & go living their lives, I sit here alone day in & day out ....I realize only I can change that but honestly , I have nowhere to go, I cant walk for more than 5 minutes without pain in my back. Now that the boyfriend revealed that he "met someone" but is not sure what he is going to do ...he seems to make a little effort to call me or text me, he has been coming home straight from work. But here it is his day off and the only words were did I want something from the store.......my logical mind says thats a small start from this very disturbed person........ but my heart wants to scream

Well I have vented .....Thanks to whoever is out there ...... I know there must be someone somewhere who feels this way too!!

prodigal

I'm not sure exactly why you feel lonely. The two of you have lived in separate bedrooms and barely spoke for two years. Now THAT would feel awfully lonely to me.

Any chance that you can find work, even if it's part-time? Getting out amongst people can help a great deal in getting your mind off your current situation.

Based on my experience with men, I've found that when a guy becomes functionally polite, but basically distant and detached, he's through with the relationship. On the other hand, you mentioned he wants to take it one day at a time. This may have more to do with his involvement in recovery than you.

Does your living situation allow for either of you to consider moving out, or do you own a home together? I'm not saying move out right now, but this doesn't sound like a situation that is working for you.

I assume you have your own car. Again, please consider locating Al-Anon meetings in your area. You need to begin the journey to find hapiness in other ways. Our partners can share a great deal of joy and pleasure with us, but nobody is capable of making, or keeping, us happy. That is something we have to discover inside of ourselves.

catlady61

Thanks Prodigal, Yes I have been looking for work and I know that being with other people is a help. I know that I am the only one who can change my life to be happier, I guess I have had so many things happen in my life that are depressing that I have not found my way yet.

I do not drive and thats a goal I have set for myself so that I wont be so isolated here at home........... problem is that the only place I really want to go is to the cemetery where my son, mother, & sister are buried because I feel so much more at peace when I am there, its a beautiful peaceful place......so calming. Saddest part is that my sister & son are there as results of drinking !!!!

I am trying here to put myself in a better place, if the ABF is going to leave then I know there is nothing I can do about it except cry my eyes out & then pick myself up just like I have done for more years than I care to count. I want my life back .....it was never such a great life anyway but at least when I can let go (if I ever can) of the grief I feel then I know I will be ok, I have 2 sons and will be a grandma soon, those are good things.

I keep asking myself why I have felt this deeply for this particular man ..... when I was married I dont recall ever loving my husband as much........ its weird. I feel like I am way to old to be going thru all of this stuff. But I see that there are others here in similar situations...... I feel like an idiot for going on & on .....sorry

gns

Dear Catlady,

Would you feel so sad about your abf if you had lots of warm friendships, lots of fulfilling interests and a busy and enjoyable life?

I was struck by the "actually get up and put on make up comment" - are you seeing a therapist? Do you have issues with depression? Maybe that would be a good first step.

bluejay6

Dear Catlady,
Get your driver's license, sweetie. Then go to the cemetery as often as you want and grieve for all your sorrows, all of them. Then find yourself two or three truly inspirational books that you love to read and go sit in Starbucks or any coffee shop and read for an hour or two every day, at least until you find work. I LIVED in Starbucks when a relationship ended and I was new in the city and had no friends. I am VERY well-read. I spent a whole winter in Starbucks.

One book I liked so much was "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up." See if you can order yourself a paperback copy, it has some pages in it where you answer her questions (she is an African American minister and talks the talk!) about what you want in life, what your hurts are, the whole package. This is reflection time for you. I always assume that if nothing is moving in my outer life, then God wants me to concentrate on my inner life. And that might take a few years.

Catlady, stick with us as you move toward change.

I don't know how you survive his indifference. Psychologists say that indifference--for children, anyway--is even worse that being yelled at and hurt. I think indifference is a knife in the heart, twisted. You need to be away from him.

Love,
Bluejay

MeHandle

Catlady61,

I live in Illinois and i will come or meet you close by you. I am sick as of now, don't know how long it will last. Serious head cold. I think a sinus infection or bronchitis may be coming on. Anyway... I mention that as I might not be able to fullfill this offer for a few weeks.

Where would you like to go and what would you like to do? Now you have somewhere to go :-) and something to do if you would like.

tammy :-)

catlady61

Bluejay, I am not sure myself how I have survived the indifference, maybe because I too was being indifferent toward him. And yes its like a knife in the heart.

gns, No I am not seeing anyone yet.......and I am not sure if I have issues with depression I have talked with my doctor about this in the past and she gave me some medication for it however, I did not like the way the meds made me feel. I have one friend that I talk to on a regular basis but she has a whole set of issues of her own....lol (thankfully not a A problem)


Mehandle, Thank you for the offer, I hope you feel better.

bluejay6

Well...we have issues, too, but there are lots more ears here and if one set of ears is turned off, somebody else's set is on! So you can just keep talking here whenever you need. xx

bluejay6

CL, I just have to say that you are feeling deep loneliness and destroying rejection and depression because you are being victimized by an alcoholic. Alcoholism can make a man cold as ice, unfeeling, a horror.....and he will wither us. We die inside like scorched flowers in a terrible sun. What is happening in your life is textbook progression of the addict relationship.....isolation, decimation of confidence, depression, despair, intense need, desperation. Catlady, this is not you, this is not your fault, this is the inevitable outcome of living with someone consumed by addiction.

I was with someone for 15 years. I had been married before, young, to an alcoholic for a couple of years (I didn't know he had a problem until we tied the knot), and after that devastating experience, i wanted someone NICE and SAFE. I wasn't looking for passion. I wanted good companionship and dependability.

I found it in a nice young man who was utterly in love with me. He was just crazy about me, CL, and remained so for a full decade and if you had known us in those years, and him, you would have seen his love all over his face. He loved me, truthfully, more than I really loved him. He was crazier for me. He was a GOOD guy. Never crazy and never did I fear him in any way.

But CL, he had one of those meteoric rises to success in his field, and he became "rich and famous". He was not made for it. He was tense and overworked and he turned to alcohol to calm himself. I didn't know how much he was drinking. It was a lot. And he became an addict.

This man who had adored me, cherished our life together, had never wanted anything else....became cold, hard, indifferent, bitterly critical. What he used to love about me he started to use against me. I love to be home, and he had always loved that, and being home with me. But the addict in him hated it. He started to accuse me of being "set in my ways." He started pressuring me to give up everything I knew, my friends, family, and move to Hawaii. He started going to strip clubs on a regular basis and drinking/potsmoking nights with younger hip artist types. He became indifferent to me and he had this hard look in his eyes. I was made so sick by him, CL. I didn't know he had become an addict until we separated and I read "Getting Them Sober" and saw him all over those pages. I finally understood why he seemed to hate me so much. He never said so. But he wanted distance, he wanted freedom to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and he resented me for reasons I could not understand. And I thought it was ME for the longest time. That I just didn't support him enough or understand how unique he was and needed special privileges and that i should have been just fine with his desire to live on an island in a different state and come and visit me whenever he felt like it in a van he wanted to park in my driveway. I actually thought maybe I was not a good girlfriend to this "special" man who had so many "pressures" and " extraordinary needs."

And there was the continual yo-yo experience for the last two years we were together. One day he would vow to always love me forever and I was and always would be the love of his life. Then the next day he'd be shaky and mean and dark as night and coldly tell me we had a terrible relationship.

Addicts always keep us small because they take our very foundation out from under us. They do this to make themselves big and grandiose because unconsciously they know they are weak and helpless to the demon that is eating them alive. So they make us small and they fracture us into a million pieces so they can convince themselves that we are the problem. Not alcohol. We let them down. Never alcohol. So we need to be either completely and tyrannically controlled. Or discarded.

CL, this is the progression of the addict relationship. And only you, honey, will know when you can no longer tolerate it. There will come a day, I pray, when you stand up to him (as I did) and you say (as I did), "GO. GO and find what makes you happy. Because I AM DONE." I cried for months but I really was DONE. He was too dark and too mean. That nice young man who had adored me for such a long time grew into a middle age man of bitterness, selfishness, and cruelty. You would never ever have predicted this, had you known him and me, a decade earlier.

CL, your alcoholic boyfriend's disease has got its tentacles in you. You are being drained away, the beautiful shining you.

Get that driver's license and get the hell out of that house.

Bluejay

TakingCharge999

Hi catlady.

Thank you for trusting us. I am very sorry for all the losses in your life... my heart goes out to you.

You ask when the loneliness fades - this reminded me of my therapist's wise words. I was saying I do not have a good relation with my dad. Then she asked what I do to reach out to him - well, its very little, to be honest. That loneliness of mine fades when I go one step further and actually reach out to him. I learned it did not have to be any great conversation, even talking about the weather, or a band... just keep throwing him the ball. Your loneliness fades the second you decide not to be lonely anymore.

Have you read Melody Beattie "The Grief Club"? I think you would get a lot out of it. It is similar to the book mentioned above, with a Master List of Losses. As you know Melody lost a son... it has very useful tips and food for thought. It is the compassionate voice I have not heard in anyone else in my life during hard times, and the voice I so desperately needed to hear.

I think that your unrest is a healthy sign. If you were OK with your life you would just be there, hanging, but no, you are posting your feelings here in SR and deciding you want something else for you. Small steps.

You are never too old - it is never too late.

PS Bluejay, thank you for sharing your story, I got a lot out of it.

catlady61

bluejay, Everything you said about how your man had loved & adored you is exactly what I had, had you seen us in past years you would have thought we would be together forever. My ABF used to say he loved my attitude etc.... now its used against me too.
My ABF started having more & more responsibility at work and of course he drank more after work...and eventually seemed angry and would talk about his boss etc.... then later it seemed he was saying the same things about me too......so I came to see that he was lumping our relationship in with work & my anger at his drinking & neglecting me just seemed to turn into a mess.

I spent so much time trying to figure out why he did not want me anymore. But I have come to realize that he is sick and an alcoholic. I love him, and I want to see if we can make it thru this. And I dont know from day to day if now that he is getting help he will up & decide to leave one day. He is still very responsible financially, and he knows that at this point in time I would not be able to handle the rent & bills on my own. I did express to him that if he already has intentions of leaving me (for the
"better" for "himself") then I would rather he just go ahead & not worry about me, I dont want him to stay here out of obligation.

Do you think men who recover (if they really do) ever say they are sorry to their wives or girlfriends? Do they ever stay with the women who have loved them thru it all. Or do they leave to go where they think the grass is greener?

Seriously, I had to read your post over 3 times I cant believe how so much of it is exactly what has happened to me....wow ...thank you so much for being here.

catlady61

TakingCharge, Thank you for your post, your right I feel better everytime I say anything to my abf lately because for the 2 years I spent being quiet & not talking he was doing the same, where did that get us?

I feel bad that I have not taken these steps sooner. Opening the door for myself by finding all of you sooner and the step toward talking to him and throwing him the ball.
For the past week I have done just that and yes it is making me feel better about myself because I am not a mean person, I am not really an angry person, I was only angry at him for being drunk all the time. ...........

So, again I thank you ....day by day may the tears fade away.

TakingCharge999

Hi catlady you are a night owl like me huh!

I really hope you are able to communicate with him and that he is honest about his recovery. I agree perhaps marriage counseling would help? it may be worth a try... I support you in whichever decision you make.

After being miserable now I also wished I had talked about how I felt and reached out for support. I recall one of my worst months was last December, it was HORRIBLE for me, and my family came to visit without asking if it was a good time for me (not only did I feel bad but I was really busy at work, adding to the stress). Of course I was there trying to look together instead of talking and of course I shut down to my other friends, I never called them... I am sure there are other people that care about you, why not give them a call, or send them a letter? You know, there are long lost friends, and I am exchanging some real letters with them with a list of what we have learned in our life. (If you wish we can be pen pals, too!)

As I have an AA group near home I used to go there in tears when I got really sad about the alcoholic in my life. And I go sometimes when the sadness is back.

Most of the participants are men that have more than 10 years of recovery under their belt. Most of them amaze me in that they have opened their eyes to the hurt they caused. Most of them say they gave hell to their families - most of them agree they are drawn to "good women" and they have no idea why they put up with them while they were active. Most of them have made ammends and asked for forgiveness, to their gfs, ex gfs, wives, sons, daughters, grandparents, in-laws... AND they meant it (ex AH said he was sorry, an apology as empty as my pocket by the end of the month lol) .. .but for that many years had to pass... and for the majority of cases, it seems, it never happens.

For the few that have being brutally honest and have peace in their eyes, there are other 20 empty seats, and we always give a thought to all the ones that are not on those empty seats, still out there destroying everything they can.

Most of they say they are no longer with their wives - and that leave was the only good thing they ever did for them. Most of them agree that was not life and that it was their fault, that even if their wives were perfect they would pick up on the tiniest thing and ruin everything.

It is a very sad disease. Perhaps try an AA meeting? They welcome lost Al Anoners like me, and I have found helpful to see things through their eyes, and see that self forgiveness is possible.

Also, dear catlady, you do not have to hear an apology from anyone in order to heal your own 50% and move on. I struggled with this concept but its true.

All the best to you! let us know how you are doing.

bluejay6

Good morning Catlady and TC,
It helps so much to hear others' experiences, doesn't it?

CL, to answer your questions.....well, Toby Rice Drews says "it's hard to lose an alcoholic." He leaves you or you leave him and you grieve your heart out and finally, just when you're better and ready to move on....probably after many months or a year or two....he shows up again (Toby calls it "alcoholic radar"). It's a very common pattern. He is remorseful and unhappy, says he was an idiot, that you were the best thing in his life, etc.....and some women go back and some women don't.

Mine contacted me (from Hawaii) eight months after our breakup, wanting to talk, hinting at reconciliation. But I really was done, CL. He was not in recovery, it was just the alcoholic looking for some way to make his misery go away, and I was positive that he would hurt me again with his craziness. I stayed away and have ever since. This was 6 years ago. I would never live with an active addict, knowing what I know.

I appreciated what TC said about the men in the meetings.

CL, you are at a turning point in your life. You are growing and changing and I admire your reaching out and your self-reflection and your struggle to find answers. You have had terrible losses, more than most people, and losing a son is the worst of all, and you have survived that. You have been cooked in the cauldron of life and I want you to find happiness again.

So....we are here as you take small steps toward rebirth.

Love, Bluejay