Still here..mixing alcohol with cocaine???
 

I have been a bit quiet recently but I have continued to read the posts and draw tremendous strength, but my grief and loss are less harsh after 5 months, still have bad days which i work to overcome, I managed to get through our wedding anniversary day without too much upset in fact its been the working towards it that was awful and all my own doing..letting it become bigger than it was. My Ah has tried to get in touch with me again by emailing my sister again to ask her help in getting in contact with me...he still says that "i will have to talk to him sometime" Im not sure why he thinks this, but i notice he didnt send a letter home with his sister whose been in the west indies with him for 5 weeks, so hes not that desperate, anyway a letter wouldnt necessarily get him a reaction which is probably what he wants..ive learned that much by now. Still having no contact has given me some control back and it helps.
Im also working on the "illusion" as Toby Drew talks about and boy my friends and family are working hard on me regarding that too...but I do still miss something. Im getting a lodger at the end of the month and I dont want one, but have to for financial reasons, I hate my AH for this, I was married this was my marital home and now i have to share it with a stranger...so yes, Ive got lots of anger in there, but dont intend to direct it at him, I dont want him to ever know i care or am upset. To that end Ive cut off contact with my sister in law too, who had obviously told him stuff that was going on for me, as he mentioned it in previous email to my sister...I dont want him to know anything about me, its not his business. Im glad I dont know what hes doing, anyway I have to remember he wasnt the man I married after 7 years, a different person, mixing cocaine with alcohol and telling people not to tell me.

Does anyone know anything about this, drug use with alcohol. I was shocked to find out that not only was his alcoholism running away with him, but he was taking cocaine too. Is this why his personality seemed to change, he was never mean and unkind before and became so, even with strangers. I would be interested to know of others experience and if this is common?

Amongst the many deeply hurtful deceitful, disloyal things Ive found out, most recently is his school yard attitude to me, apparantly, he used to say to our friends, if I was coming to the pub, "oh kill joy is on her way". How horrible, how juevenile, how very disloyal to the person you are married to, never indicating to me this is how he felt, why should I ever want to talk to him..ever again. That can be the solicitors job when I divorce him, all I need is an address. Thank you for listening, I am starting to feel like I am living a life again, not just in a bubble, its just not the life I wanted yet, but Im working on it....Lillyx

Lilly, you will build a life even better. Please try to keep the focus on YOU and on the things that bring you happiness, and try to get past this sick chapter as quickly as time permits you to do so. Reconstructing a life can be difficult but can also be a time of great joy....at least it was for me.

There are many addicts who mix drugs and alcohol...it's quite common. My X did it. But does it really matter? He was not someone I wanted in my life any more, and I ceased to care what he was putting in his body. It was no longer my problem. Does that make sense?

Mixing cocaine and alcohol goes hand in hand easily
You feel like you can drink for ever and if your insecure you can feel like you are on top of the world instead of taking everything negatively.
However it will mess with your natural mood even more than alcohol and makes you not a good person to be around. NO ONE deserves the mood swings that person lashes out.

My AH ( soon to be XAH) smokes crack and drinks about a fifth of vodka daily. Even when he wasnt smoking crack he would drink 10 or 12 energy drinks, take ephedrine, over the counter stimulants- crazy. It made him a even crazier person than the alcohol alone. I just kicked mine out Sat morning. It was like I left one man at the house when I went to work at 7pm- loving sweet (sober at that moment) and when I returned home- the crackw**re was here lots of alcohol and drugs were consumed and he was a monster. The alcohol was always AH big problem, but the crack made it 10000x worse

My RW did alcohol and prescription pills. There's some research about how an "addictive mind" can easily transfer addictions or double up after one try. It's not the definitive truth, but I've seen it a lot.

My AH did alcohol and prescription pain killers. Talk about out there behavior. Wow.

Givelove is right, why oh why do I still care, I havent seen him since 24th January this year, does it really matter, I dont want it to...his behaviour WAS out there and if he was the husband of a friend of mine, i would be appalled for her...just have to keep beating away at the "illusion", understand more and more, until one day the penny will drop, rather like when i was learning shorthand and just couldnt get it until one day i couldnt understand why I had ever NOT got it!! Thank you all for your experiences and advise. Lillyxx

Lilly, your shorthand analogy is spot-on! I get it! :)

The way it happened for me was this:

The life we had together (my X and I) was like a dungeon, dark and dangerous and awful, but I was used to it. He was like a smelly troll, but since everyone around us were smelly trolls, he didn't stand out. It was all "normal."

When he and I split, I at first missed what we had. I still, on some deep level, thought he was "normal."

I worked very, very hard to get out of the dungeon. I build new things into my life -- Joys that I had always wanted for myself, people and things I loved, service to my neighborhood, new skills like writing and painting. I found myself in this clean, bright, beautiful space -- my life's whole scenery changed.

Then, when he tried to walk back into it, he was no longer normal. He stood out against my new, better life. He was tracking his sh** on the floor, his attitudes still stunk, he smeared me with his dirty hands when he tried to drag me down into the drama again. And he wouldn't go away...it was horrible. Here I was with all of this brightness and promise, and this troll kept sneering at me from the corner.

THAT'S when it all clicked for me. HE didn't change, I did. His life (like your husband's) was still this sickening swamp, but I had changed mine so drastically into something I LOVED that he had no power over me any more.

Sending you hugs, and wishing that your stay in the smelly dungeon is over soon. Keep building that new, brighter, fuller life, and you may find yourself less and less interested in whatever mess he chooses. :hug:

Oh GL I think I am still in the smelly troll sneering from the corner stage, lol

Thanks Lilly for the shorthand analogy, that analogy is perfect!!

Ex AH was planning to start with LSD. Whatever takes you out of reality, huh? I mean, for a coward person (like the person who I was before this year), anything that gets your mind off of the deep issues and hard work is good.

Lilly, may I just say that man's words were horrible? Ex AH had as a tone for my mobile a "sexy female" voice saying "Master, your goddamn 'woman' is calling.." in a despective tone. He found it funny and showed it to me. Of course that moment I decided never to call him - just not to give him that satisfaction! I never did.

I am willing to bet he has the same tone for his new enabler. And she probably finds it funny. Ughh.

Thank you ex AH, for making sure I will NEVER be disrespected, ever, ever again. By anyone.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Im picturing my AH as a smelly troll, it works for me!! You are right, I thought he was normal, I thought our roller coaster merry go round existence was normal too. My friend was saying to me last night how I was always tense, always protecting him, always dancing to his tune, whether it was because he wasnt drinking or because he was. How unwelcome she felt when she came round to see me, how detached he was, how did I see this as normal!! Lillyxx