Trusting in your HP and that everything will be ok..
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Trusting in your HP and that everything will be ok..
I'm really trying to stay positive and trust that everything will be ok. I'm really trying to stay open and trust in a HP. I'm really trying to remember that this too shall pass and after every rain storm comes brighter weather.
Right now things look a little bleak. I don't want to go into too much detail (I may share later but at the moment it is difficult) but I lost so much and clawing it back is hard. And things seem to be coming which are making it even harder. I think I'm about as low as I can get and I keep reminding myself that the only way is up.. but it is so difficult to stay in the moment and look to a future that is bright when all around me it is stormy. I have so much to be thankful for.. and I am so very thankful.
I'm feel like I'm losing my faith.. it feels so tenuous. I'm putting the work in to keep going and I suppose I'm asking for a break.. I just can't see one happening. I read all the posts that recount the bad times and the difficulties and how people have come through it. I remind myself that this experience will make me stronger. Then something happens to make me wobble and I have to cling onto that ESH with all my might... sometimes I lose the grip.
I guess I just need to know it will be ok...
Right now things look a little bleak. I don't want to go into too much detail (I may share later but at the moment it is difficult) but I lost so much and clawing it back is hard. And things seem to be coming which are making it even harder. I think I'm about as low as I can get and I keep reminding myself that the only way is up.. but it is so difficult to stay in the moment and look to a future that is bright when all around me it is stormy. I have so much to be thankful for.. and I am so very thankful.
I'm feel like I'm losing my faith.. it feels so tenuous. I'm putting the work in to keep going and I suppose I'm asking for a break.. I just can't see one happening. I read all the posts that recount the bad times and the difficulties and how people have come through it. I remind myself that this experience will make me stronger. Then something happens to make me wobble and I have to cling onto that ESH with all my might... sometimes I lose the grip.
I guess I just need to know it will be ok...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by tallulah 
I guess I just need to know it will be ok...
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
tallulah-
i always fall back on the four noble truths, as taught by buddha.
To deny suffering, which is inherent within the nature and fabric of this world and the entire fallen universe and so is also inescapable for all beings who dwell there, is to subscribe to glamour, which is delusion, and delusion promotes further suffering.
The first three tenets of the Buddha's Four Noble Truths are all about suffering:
The Four Noble Truths
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
Contrary to popular misunderstanding, the more advanced a soul is on the Path, the greater the suffering while in this world, due to its stark contrasts between holiness and unholiness.
i always fall back on the four noble truths, as taught by buddha.
To deny suffering, which is inherent within the nature and fabric of this world and the entire fallen universe and so is also inescapable for all beings who dwell there, is to subscribe to glamour, which is delusion, and delusion promotes further suffering.
The first three tenets of the Buddha's Four Noble Truths are all about suffering:
The Four Noble Truths
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
Contrary to popular misunderstanding, the more advanced a soul is on the Path, the greater the suffering while in this world, due to its stark contrasts between holiness and unholiness.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: St. Petersburg, Florida
Posts: 684
(((tallulah)))
I hear so much strength in your post even though you feel down, you are not out. Your HP will not let you be out of the game of your life until it's over. So keep keepin on. My life often feels like you are feeling right now. Today just happens to be a good day, but anything can change in a second or a minute. Those changes that happen often is what keeps me grounded and focused on HP and my program because its solid and unchangable. My God is the same as he was yesterday and today and will be the same tomorrow. My program can only get better with the effort and work I put into it.
Those brighter days or moments will come no doubt about it. Don't lose your faith and hope in the promises of your HP and this program, it will not let you down the way that life can.
Take care,
AJ
I hear so much strength in your post even though you feel down, you are not out. Your HP will not let you be out of the game of your life until it's over. So keep keepin on. My life often feels like you are feeling right now. Today just happens to be a good day, but anything can change in a second or a minute. Those changes that happen often is what keeps me grounded and focused on HP and my program because its solid and unchangable. My God is the same as he was yesterday and today and will be the same tomorrow. My program can only get better with the effort and work I put into it.
Those brighter days or moments will come no doubt about it. Don't lose your faith and hope in the promises of your HP and this program, it will not let you down the way that life can.
Take care,
AJ
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Tallulah,
You may have "lost" some of the trappings of your life, but you have lost NOTHING of yourself. I think of us as actors in our own hero's journey, our own grand play. As we move along, the scenery and the stage direction and the other actors change. Big things we thought were indispensible -- a certain other actor, a beautiful backdrop we loved -- are taken away and replaced with something else, and we blink, swallow hard, and go on.
You are the same intelligent, creative, beautiful, vibrant woman you were before this current act of your play started, and in fact you are stronger for having survived an experience that would have wilted most people down into nothing.
Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Stuff is swirling about at the moment. Things around you have changed, and been "lost" (i.e. they are now somewhere else). But standing in the middle of this storm you are still you, with exactly the same potential for joy, the same strengths deep inside. What you had before, you can have again, only better this time.
I believe in you, and I believe in your HP.
Sending you big hugs this morning
You may have "lost" some of the trappings of your life, but you have lost NOTHING of yourself. I think of us as actors in our own hero's journey, our own grand play. As we move along, the scenery and the stage direction and the other actors change. Big things we thought were indispensible -- a certain other actor, a beautiful backdrop we loved -- are taken away and replaced with something else, and we blink, swallow hard, and go on.
You are the same intelligent, creative, beautiful, vibrant woman you were before this current act of your play started, and in fact you are stronger for having survived an experience that would have wilted most people down into nothing.
Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Stuff is swirling about at the moment. Things around you have changed, and been "lost" (i.e. they are now somewhere else). But standing in the middle of this storm you are still you, with exactly the same potential for joy, the same strengths deep inside. What you had before, you can have again, only better this time.
I believe in you, and I believe in your HP.
Sending you big hugs this morning
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I guess I just need to know it will be ok...
I don't really believe in God with a capital G but I have been praying anyhow. I am praying for clarity, peace and lately I have actually been praying for anger to which I seem to have no access.
Guess what? Today I woke up angry. Not raging, out-of-control anger, but anger that actually allows me to see the XABF as the freakazoid, poser that he really is. Anger that makes me see this situation as humorous (ironic, anyhow).
Our f'd up, disgusting Xs will NOT destroy us.
It will be okay. You will be okay. You are okay already.
And we are here for you when you are feeling vulnerable.
Last edited by nowwhat; 06-09-2009 at 07:28 AM. Reason: perfectionism
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Tallulah - We all have those moments. Lord knows I do. I know what you mean. Sometimes we feel like the whole world is going wrong, things pile up, stuff happens. Some of us get more of this than others. All we can do is hang in there, and take it the best we can, and realize that like you said "this too shall pass". What other choice is there? None that I know of.
There have been times in the past two years since I split from my X, that have been very tough... fallout stuff mostly. (examples... my furnace broke, my well pump died, then I lost my job) Lots of them, all at about the same time. So many in fact that I found myself getting angry at God. I'd ask "why is all this stuff happening to ME?" I know other people who don't have all these things going on, and their lives are just smooth as a still lake in the morning. Unfair, I rant.
They say obstacles/tough spots make us stronger. I believe that is so. Stronger for WHAT??? is the part I don't know. When I think about what type of things I'd need that strength for, sometimes it scares me! What is next???!!!!
But looking back in hindsight, it all seems so clear. Funny how that is.
But, about all we can do is trust, and go forward, and try to make the most of each day.
There have been times in the past two years since I split from my X, that have been very tough... fallout stuff mostly. (examples... my furnace broke, my well pump died, then I lost my job) Lots of them, all at about the same time. So many in fact that I found myself getting angry at God. I'd ask "why is all this stuff happening to ME?" I know other people who don't have all these things going on, and their lives are just smooth as a still lake in the morning. Unfair, I rant.
They say obstacles/tough spots make us stronger. I believe that is so. Stronger for WHAT??? is the part I don't know. When I think about what type of things I'd need that strength for, sometimes it scares me! What is next???!!!!
But looking back in hindsight, it all seems so clear. Funny how that is.
But, about all we can do is trust, and go forward, and try to make the most of each day.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
nowwhat-
you said your HP cannot give you anger, as it is not of Him.
if you pray for anger, you will get it. but it won't be from your HP.
anger doesn't heal anything and ALWAYS leads in the wrong direction.
understanding leads to compassion. and compassion dissipates anger.
don't pray for anger, nowhat. you'll make yourself sick with anger.
naive
you said
I don't really believe in God with a capital G but I have been praying anyhow. I am praying for clarity, peace and lately I have actually been praying for anger to which I seem to have no access.
Guess what? Today I woke up angry
Guess what? Today I woke up angry
if you pray for anger, you will get it. but it won't be from your HP.
anger doesn't heal anything and ALWAYS leads in the wrong direction.
understanding leads to compassion. and compassion dissipates anger.
don't pray for anger, nowhat. you'll make yourself sick with anger.
naive
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi tallulah!
Ugh, sometimes it all comes at the same moment... or perhaps, as you are already weakened by a traumatic event, any other thing that would normally not be that bad seems really worse...
I recall when I was going through the worst breakup ever, some DRUNKARDS crashed the windows of my car and stole belongings I cherished emotionally (I mean, what a perfect analogy for how I felt inside), and as it was Christmas and I was the new one at my job, I was in charge of EVERYTHING while everybody spent their holidays away, which was stressful... and my family came from far away to send 4 days with me, but I could not spend those with them together as I was working 24x7. I just arrived and had dinner, talk for half an hour and sleep. I had problems with my then roomies. And my neighbors were REALLY NOISY. So I was taking a network down due to my lack of concentration, crying while troubleshooting, with the Boss of Bosses demanding explanations over the phone, while a roomie was knocking on the door demanding I mopped the floor that very moment (she was obsessed with cleaning) and my noisy neighbor had the songs I hate really LOUD when it was Tuesday, ohh and did I mention one of the roomies was given a really BIG DOG for a small apt. that kept on crying and barking????? UGH!!!!!!!!!!
The good part, and also the bad part of life, is that everything passes... EVERYTHING... our problem as humans is that we cling to the good parts and want the bad parts to speed up or not to exist... that is not possible...
But you do not have to be alone, thank you for posting, remember this is just "another passing show" and when you start seeing the results of your hard work and feeling better it will be sooooooo sweet and wonderful (((hugs))) and it will come sooner than you think.
naive, I think nowwhat is talking about the Healthy Anger that makes you move forward....
Instead of being sad about it all, when I can finally get angry about how I have let this alcoholic run my life for a year (and still runs the show, at least in my mind, its a constant battle) I can see him for who he is, no more pedestals, and focus more on me....
Sorry for my ramblings!!
Ugh, sometimes it all comes at the same moment... or perhaps, as you are already weakened by a traumatic event, any other thing that would normally not be that bad seems really worse...
I recall when I was going through the worst breakup ever, some DRUNKARDS crashed the windows of my car and stole belongings I cherished emotionally (I mean, what a perfect analogy for how I felt inside), and as it was Christmas and I was the new one at my job, I was in charge of EVERYTHING while everybody spent their holidays away, which was stressful... and my family came from far away to send 4 days with me, but I could not spend those with them together as I was working 24x7. I just arrived and had dinner, talk for half an hour and sleep. I had problems with my then roomies. And my neighbors were REALLY NOISY. So I was taking a network down due to my lack of concentration, crying while troubleshooting, with the Boss of Bosses demanding explanations over the phone, while a roomie was knocking on the door demanding I mopped the floor that very moment (she was obsessed with cleaning) and my noisy neighbor had the songs I hate really LOUD when it was Tuesday, ohh and did I mention one of the roomies was given a really BIG DOG for a small apt. that kept on crying and barking????? UGH!!!!!!!!!!
The good part, and also the bad part of life, is that everything passes... EVERYTHING... our problem as humans is that we cling to the good parts and want the bad parts to speed up or not to exist... that is not possible...
But you do not have to be alone, thank you for posting, remember this is just "another passing show" and when you start seeing the results of your hard work and feeling better it will be sooooooo sweet and wonderful (((hugs))) and it will come sooner than you think.
naive, I think nowwhat is talking about the Healthy Anger that makes you move forward....
Instead of being sad about it all, when I can finally get angry about how I have let this alcoholic run my life for a year (and still runs the show, at least in my mind, its a constant battle) I can see him for who he is, no more pedestals, and focus more on me....
Sorry for my ramblings!!
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 06-10-2009 at 08:21 AM.
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Thank you everyone… for your hugs, support and words of encouragement.. :ghug I’ve spent the last couple of days with my head down getting things done.. getting things in place.. getting to the next step.
Thank you ajangels2. Even though I feel a little down I don’t feel weak. If that makes any sense whatsoever? I’m remembering what a little battler I am, how focussed and determined I can be and how I am resilient and resourceful. Only now those attributes are not being used to survive an unhealthy man but are being channelled back into where they were.. me.
I suppose I forgot what it was like to find it tough. Before the A my life was pretty much hunky dory.. trotting along soundly.. no dramas, heartache, difficulties. Now I am back to square one.. and while I can see the potential in my life (that was the impetus for me to leave) I’m probably seeing the last couple of years with the A as a wilderness I was stumbling around in and now I’m out I want to get to the green pasture as quick as possible. Impatient.. lol.
GiveLove.. wow.. thank you. Yes I understand what you are saying. I gave myself a pat on the back yesterday. I opened up to someone who has met me post the A and post the attack. He asked me how I got my injury and I felt comfortable to tell him what happened. I generalised the information but told him I was attacked. He was shocked. Not only that someone who do such a thing to a person and about what had happened but also that I’m not sitting in a corner a gibbering and rocking basketcase and that I’m trying to piece it all back together. I do feel like I’m in the middle of a storm and I suppose the core of me is quite serene.. relieved to not be feeling like I was all the negatives the A made me feel I was and told me I was, relieved not to be living like an animal (which is what happened... I was dehumanised about as far as a person could be short of living in a kennel in the yard). Sometimes I probably forget this and that I’m ok. Relatively speaking.. when I remember where I was and where I am now.. it doesn’t seem so bleak after all.
Oh nowwhat I’m the same with the G thang. I prescribe to the theory that religion is for those who don’t want to go to hell and spirituality is for those that have been there. I am spiritual and Al-anon is a reminder that I am.. but I’m not very good with the whole God concept. But I too have been praying. Just little moments in my head, asking for strength and courage to keep going. I’m still here plugging away so I guess they are being answered. I understand what you mean about asking for anger. I was waiting for the anger to come and it just wasn’t coming. Not the bitter twisted eat you up from the inside anger that leads to resentment.. just the processing anger.. the stuff that makes you see them for what they are and keeps you honest with yourself. It did come and it was a relief. And I laughed.
Trying2survive. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.. oh how sometimes I hate that phrase.. but it is absolutely true. I’ve had trials and tribulations before.. and I came through them and usually for the better. Someone I know said to me… it is our scars that make us human: so each little scar I pick up makes me more human… they are scars of evolution. Or that is what I keep telling myself when I catch glimpse of the scars you can see and those you can’t.
TakingCharge.. I am, or should I say I was before I met the A, one of life’s lemonade makers. If something bad happened I’d knuckle down and push my way through it and make the best of what I could. I think I probably have been weakened… but then by some strange twist I think I’ve also been strengthened.
Meeting the A, moving in with the A, living with the A weakened me. I moved from my home into his. I moved nearly 200 miles and away from everything I knew to a new city. I talked about being on the mortgage and the title but he did not want that (even though I suggested having some documents drawn up to ensure he did not lose what he had already put into the property should we split). Now I can see why.. I used the excuse of him being scared of losing it all.. but it was keeping me controlled and vulnerable. I gave up a permanent job and became a self-employed contractor. This was my choice.. he wanted me to move in with him and it seemed like the sensible solution. But again it kept me controlled and vulnerable. My last assignment ended and I was going to take a few months off (contractors don’t get the luxury of leave even if they are sick), which I did. Then when it came to looking for contracts again, the instability had started with a vengence. I didn’t know from one day to the next whether I would be told I was not wanted and to leave. So I was scared of being tied up into a contract.. expected to be at work at 8:30 each morning, five days a week for however many months.. and not be able to fulfil it because the night before my ‘boyfriend’ had a wobble and I didn’t know whether I would be living there from one moment to the next or whether I would be homeless. I lived in fear. That messed with me and started to seep into every part of my life. Couple it with being emotionally abused on other levels and the fear of his violent outbursts and I think it actually got to the point where I was on the verge of being a recluse. I was just fading… I actually felt like I was a nonentity.. like a ghost. I felt like I really was worthless.
I can’t believe it now. And I think this is where the strengthening comes in. Because I survived that.. I came through almost losing myself. I dread to think what would have happened to me had I not woken up and said ‘I need to leave’. One of the berating things my ex said to me the day before he attacked me was.. ‘Do you think you are depressed?’ It wasn’t said out of love or caring but as a stick to beat me with. I replied, ‘I don’t know’. I didn’t know what being clinically depressed looked like… I wasn’t sure what I looked like anymore. But I did say I was rundown and sad etc. With hindsight I think I was repressed, neglected, dejected, derelict. This is going to sound odd, but what happened, what he did, I’m thankful for. The day he shattered a glass into me was the day the tinted window through which I saw him and our relationship was shattered…. it was like a spell being broken. More importantly, it shattered how I’d seen myself.. or should I say how I’d been encouraged to see myself. Strength was no longer blocked and is allowed to come back in.. I’m allowed to come back in.
12 weeks later and I look different….or so I’ve been told. I’ve started to take pride in me again. I’ve stopped wanting not to be noticed. I don’t look so tired and down. My eyes have apparently got a little sparkle back.. and I’ve lost weight. Not due to any pining or going off food… just I seem to be returning to the woman he met… or it could be ironically I drink a whole lot less than I did when I was with him and so no more empty calories.
I’ve also got jobs in the pipeline and should be back in the throng soon.. (luckily I’d managed to get myself marketed and a good reputation before the wheels came off). They will also allow me to buy a place of my own.. ironically a much nicer place than the ex! I think my general bleakness is that I want all these things in place yesterday.. I just have to remember that what will be will be and what is for me won’t go by me.
Thank you TC for reminding me to remember the blessings and the good stuff that has come out of this.
Thank you all for helping me to remember. :ghug
Thank you ajangels2. Even though I feel a little down I don’t feel weak. If that makes any sense whatsoever? I’m remembering what a little battler I am, how focussed and determined I can be and how I am resilient and resourceful. Only now those attributes are not being used to survive an unhealthy man but are being channelled back into where they were.. me.
I suppose I forgot what it was like to find it tough. Before the A my life was pretty much hunky dory.. trotting along soundly.. no dramas, heartache, difficulties. Now I am back to square one.. and while I can see the potential in my life (that was the impetus for me to leave) I’m probably seeing the last couple of years with the A as a wilderness I was stumbling around in and now I’m out I want to get to the green pasture as quick as possible. Impatient.. lol.
GiveLove.. wow.. thank you. Yes I understand what you are saying. I gave myself a pat on the back yesterday. I opened up to someone who has met me post the A and post the attack. He asked me how I got my injury and I felt comfortable to tell him what happened. I generalised the information but told him I was attacked. He was shocked. Not only that someone who do such a thing to a person and about what had happened but also that I’m not sitting in a corner a gibbering and rocking basketcase and that I’m trying to piece it all back together. I do feel like I’m in the middle of a storm and I suppose the core of me is quite serene.. relieved to not be feeling like I was all the negatives the A made me feel I was and told me I was, relieved not to be living like an animal (which is what happened... I was dehumanised about as far as a person could be short of living in a kennel in the yard). Sometimes I probably forget this and that I’m ok. Relatively speaking.. when I remember where I was and where I am now.. it doesn’t seem so bleak after all.
Oh nowwhat I’m the same with the G thang. I prescribe to the theory that religion is for those who don’t want to go to hell and spirituality is for those that have been there. I am spiritual and Al-anon is a reminder that I am.. but I’m not very good with the whole God concept. But I too have been praying. Just little moments in my head, asking for strength and courage to keep going. I’m still here plugging away so I guess they are being answered. I understand what you mean about asking for anger. I was waiting for the anger to come and it just wasn’t coming. Not the bitter twisted eat you up from the inside anger that leads to resentment.. just the processing anger.. the stuff that makes you see them for what they are and keeps you honest with yourself. It did come and it was a relief. And I laughed.
Trying2survive. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.. oh how sometimes I hate that phrase.. but it is absolutely true. I’ve had trials and tribulations before.. and I came through them and usually for the better. Someone I know said to me… it is our scars that make us human: so each little scar I pick up makes me more human… they are scars of evolution. Or that is what I keep telling myself when I catch glimpse of the scars you can see and those you can’t.
TakingCharge.. I am, or should I say I was before I met the A, one of life’s lemonade makers. If something bad happened I’d knuckle down and push my way through it and make the best of what I could. I think I probably have been weakened… but then by some strange twist I think I’ve also been strengthened.
Meeting the A, moving in with the A, living with the A weakened me. I moved from my home into his. I moved nearly 200 miles and away from everything I knew to a new city. I talked about being on the mortgage and the title but he did not want that (even though I suggested having some documents drawn up to ensure he did not lose what he had already put into the property should we split). Now I can see why.. I used the excuse of him being scared of losing it all.. but it was keeping me controlled and vulnerable. I gave up a permanent job and became a self-employed contractor. This was my choice.. he wanted me to move in with him and it seemed like the sensible solution. But again it kept me controlled and vulnerable. My last assignment ended and I was going to take a few months off (contractors don’t get the luxury of leave even if they are sick), which I did. Then when it came to looking for contracts again, the instability had started with a vengence. I didn’t know from one day to the next whether I would be told I was not wanted and to leave. So I was scared of being tied up into a contract.. expected to be at work at 8:30 each morning, five days a week for however many months.. and not be able to fulfil it because the night before my ‘boyfriend’ had a wobble and I didn’t know whether I would be living there from one moment to the next or whether I would be homeless. I lived in fear. That messed with me and started to seep into every part of my life. Couple it with being emotionally abused on other levels and the fear of his violent outbursts and I think it actually got to the point where I was on the verge of being a recluse. I was just fading… I actually felt like I was a nonentity.. like a ghost. I felt like I really was worthless.
I can’t believe it now. And I think this is where the strengthening comes in. Because I survived that.. I came through almost losing myself. I dread to think what would have happened to me had I not woken up and said ‘I need to leave’. One of the berating things my ex said to me the day before he attacked me was.. ‘Do you think you are depressed?’ It wasn’t said out of love or caring but as a stick to beat me with. I replied, ‘I don’t know’. I didn’t know what being clinically depressed looked like… I wasn’t sure what I looked like anymore. But I did say I was rundown and sad etc. With hindsight I think I was repressed, neglected, dejected, derelict. This is going to sound odd, but what happened, what he did, I’m thankful for. The day he shattered a glass into me was the day the tinted window through which I saw him and our relationship was shattered…. it was like a spell being broken. More importantly, it shattered how I’d seen myself.. or should I say how I’d been encouraged to see myself. Strength was no longer blocked and is allowed to come back in.. I’m allowed to come back in.
12 weeks later and I look different….or so I’ve been told. I’ve started to take pride in me again. I’ve stopped wanting not to be noticed. I don’t look so tired and down. My eyes have apparently got a little sparkle back.. and I’ve lost weight. Not due to any pining or going off food… just I seem to be returning to the woman he met… or it could be ironically I drink a whole lot less than I did when I was with him and so no more empty calories.
I’ve also got jobs in the pipeline and should be back in the throng soon.. (luckily I’d managed to get myself marketed and a good reputation before the wheels came off). They will also allow me to buy a place of my own.. ironically a much nicer place than the ex! I think my general bleakness is that I want all these things in place yesterday.. I just have to remember that what will be will be and what is for me won’t go by me.
Thank you TC for reminding me to remember the blessings and the good stuff that has come out of this.
Thank you all for helping me to remember. :ghug
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
(((tallulah)))
You are such an inspiration. You have changed so much since you first came here.
I can empathise with wanting it all to happen right now. I just want it all done so I can get on with enjoying life!
You are such an inspiration. You have changed so much since you first came here.
I can empathise with wanting it all to happen right now. I just want it all done so I can get on with enjoying life!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Just as an aside. I would never have moved to London were it not for the ex. When all this happened.. because I have no 'ties' to London.. I did think about going back to where I came from. My ex said I was 'isolated' and I had nothing.. so my feeling was to go back the way I came and try and salvage my previous life.
But what has come out of this is.. I have a support network and a network of people in this city that I never truly realised I had. I have a life here and potential here that again I didn't realise I had. I have a social life here and a social network here.. that is ironically better than his and he was brought up here! I thought without him I'd probably sink in London.. I thought that this was a harsh cruel city and I'd be lonely. I was soooo wrong. I actually have the potential for a great life here.
So I'm staying
But what has come out of this is.. I have a support network and a network of people in this city that I never truly realised I had. I have a life here and potential here that again I didn't realise I had. I have a social life here and a social network here.. that is ironically better than his and he was brought up here! I thought without him I'd probably sink in London.. I thought that this was a harsh cruel city and I'd be lonely. I was soooo wrong. I actually have the potential for a great life here.
So I'm staying
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by bookwyrm
(((tallulah)))
You are such an inspiration. You have changed so much since you first came here.
I can empathise with wanting it all to happen right now. I just want it all done so I can get on with enjoying life!
You are such an inspiration. You have changed so much since you first came here.
I can empathise with wanting it all to happen right now. I just want it all done so I can get on with enjoying life!
(((bookwyrm))) thank you
I bet I do seem like I've changed.. but to me it's like I'm getting the good bits of me back... with some added bonuses. I clearly had some dodgy bits and I'm leaving them behind! It's like I've been in a sack for a year.. and I found the opening.
I'm impatient. I'm not usually but I am for this.. I wanna be a butterfly.. I don't wanna be a caterpillar too long.
I'm visualising it. A bit like cosmic ordering I suppose. I know exactly where I want to live and I picture my home and the furniture I want in it. I picture having people over for dinner. I picture being able to invite my friends from outside London to come down for the weekend and see the sights. I know exactly the job I want to do and so I picture going to the office in my fab suit, my desk, my journey to work etc. I picture meeting friends for after work drinkies on a Friday.
And I know I can have it.. because I had that before.. only the location has changed. Oh and I'll appreciate it a lot more.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
bet I do seem like I've changed.. but to me it's like I'm getting the good bits of me back... with some added bonuses. I clearly had some dodgy bits and I'm leaving them behind! It's like I've been in a sack for a year.. and I found the opening.
I'm impatient. I'm not usually but I am for this.. I wanna be a butterfly.. I don't wanna be a caterpillar too long.
I'm impatient. I'm not usually but I am for this.. I wanna be a butterfly.. I don't wanna be a caterpillar too long.
Impatience is something I relate to strongly. I have always felt like since I *get it* intellectually, my body and spirit should fall in line RIGHT NOW. Thing is, these profound changes are like a pregnancy, in a way. The good is incubating, growing, being nourished by all of the experiences and good care we are learning to take of ourselves. The birth can't be rushed--but the pregnancy period is just as important as the birth itself, as the newborn infant will be, as the child who is going to grow in love will be, and so on and so forth. I am trying to focus on surrendering to the process. It has a purpose even if it's not immediately apparent.
You are doing so, so well. Thank you for sharing your journey with me.
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