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Old 06-07-2009, 12:44 AM   #1 (permalink)

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Need to know if this is possible and advice

My wife of 5 years and I have 1 child together. Our son is 3 years old. Shortly after his birth my wife began to drink often. About a year ago she became what I considered an alcoholic. She drank most every day and drank a lot. She was always drunk but when at work. She works evenings so she got drunk before work but not wasted and wasted when she got home.

After some big problems eg. driving drunk with our son and passing out when she was supposed to be watching him, I was at the end of my rope. I had a professional intervention done and put her into rehab for her health and for how she was behaving with our son and how she was treating me.

She was in rehab for 30 days and got out 2 weeks ago. The day before she got out of rehab she told me she had had sex in the parking lot with 2 different coworkers on 3 separate occasions over a 3 week period in March. One she had sex with once and the other twice right after she got off work for the night. My wife that I knew prior to alcohol would have never done such a thing. She told me this before getting out of rehab because she said the alcohol made her a monster and she wanted me to know so I could move on or forgive her and start anew life with her sober. She swears she will never drink again as it makes her a monster. She says if it was not for being an alcoholic that she would not have been in the state of mind of wanting to do anything to make herself feel better about herself. She says she would not like a person or think very highly of them if they behaved as she had…she swears she is not that person. In the last two weeks she has signed a post nuptial agreement in which she gets nothing if we get divorced. She has returned to being a sweet caring wife but this could be because of guilt. I love my wife very much but am devastated by this. I maybe able to get over this if indeed it could be the alcohol that caused it. Can alcohol really make a person a monster like this even when not drunk?
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Old 06-07-2009, 04:04 AM   #2 (permalink)
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People will cheat if they want to cheat. Alcohol can lower inhibitions and people can be "out of it." Many A's have never cheated, many non-alcoholics are serial cheaters.

I am sorry for your situation. She was sober and she cheated multiple times. What do you want from this situation?

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Old 06-07-2009, 04:15 AM   #3 (permalink)

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Welcome to SR.. :ghug

I'm sorry for your pain AuDigger. As MissFixit said.. some As cheat, others do not.. some As are violent, some are not.. some As find true recovery, others do not.

Again I agree with MissFixit.. some As do have blackouts and have no idea what they are doing, but then there are also some who once their inhibitions are lowered will do exactly what they want to do and others who are stone cold sober and still behave appallingly.

Quite often alcohol is not the only problem... and abstinence does not equal recovery. It's a long road figuring out where your A falls in all these differences and similarities and who they are.

What do you, AuDigger, want?
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Old 06-07-2009, 04:42 AM   #4 (permalink)

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hi audigger-

is your wife in AA now that she is out of rehab?

just because she is not drinking, does not mean that the behavior will change. when As stop drinking, they are still in what we call "the fog". it can take years of recovery work for her to have the fog lift.

two weeks is not a very long time. be alert! it would be good if you could get to alanon meeting for yourself.

if it was me, i wouldn't trust her. sex in the parking lot with more than one man and repeatedly is not a one-off drunken mistake.

i think it would be good if you read more here, attended alanon and also, took some immediate steps to protect yourself and your family. for example, do you have any shared bank accounts? credit cards? whose name are the cars in?

what if she falls off the wagon and crashes the car? what if she drains the bank accounts? are you leaving the child in her care?

in my mind, there are immediate, practical things which need to be addressed to protect your liability in regard to her actions. then, there is the beginning of recovery for yourself.

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Old 06-07-2009, 09:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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HI! welcome!

How do you feel about the infidelity? It is okay to take a break from a relationship to sort out what the "next right thing" is (if you feel you need a breather).

What have you been doing for yourself?

I started Al-anon when my AH started recovery a few years ago, I remember thinking "Oh he'll recover and I won't need to come here anymore" Well was I ever wrong. I needed to work on me more that I had ever imagined Oh and AH didn't stay "in recovery" very long either.
Happiness is when
what you THINK,
what you SAY,
and what you DO are in

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Old 06-07-2009, 11:03 PM   #6 (permalink)
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A very tough situation, Au. How wrenching this must be for you, after you have tried so hard to be a good husband.

I have to say that, although I have no information about her history, my first thought on reading your post is that she was an alcoholic when you married her. And though you say the "real wife" would never have done what she did in the parking lot, the fact is that the real wife was drinking heavily with an infant in her care and then she was insane enough to get pregnant again. Two babies are now in danger.

The definition of addiction is that the alcoholic cannot control where she drinks, when she drinks, how much she drinks, nor in whose presence she drinks. This will include your helpless children while you are out of the house.

There is no way, personally, I would let her near my babies. Not for a long time, not unsupervised. The infidelity is a problem....but the the danger to your children is major.

Glad you found us.
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Old 06-08-2009, 11:57 PM   #7 (permalink)

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IMO it is kind of bizarre for her to tell you that. Possibly if it actually happened(delusion is not uncommon) even when not drunk.

One could read it (whether it happened only in her mind or otherwise) that she feels a great deal of remorse and has enough courage to tell you and ask for forgiveness; a positive sign.

Your story parallels that of my own aw. It is true that alcoholism can/does make people do things they ordinarily would not do, not only sexual, but unimaginable bizarre crazy, even criminal things. I have heard mind boggling accounts at open AA meetings from a wide range of recovering alc's, from highly educated to less educated, all walks of life.

If it did really happen, the thing that disturbs me is rehab center employees having sex with someone they know is less than fully competent in addition to being very clearly professionally unacceptable.

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Old 06-09-2009, 02:13 AM   #8 (permalink)

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Hi, i'm so sorry that you and your wife and your child have been put through the mill like this.

My first thought on reading was that your wife started drinking soon after the birth. I wonder if at this time your wife was suffering from post natal depression and that this is what caused her to go off the rails and if thats the case has that side issue been dealt with?

Who knows why she told you about this episode, there could be a number or reasons from her wanting to really make a fresh start and admiting her harm and wanting to make amends, through to not being able to handle the guilt and dumping some of it on you or simply her needing to test your loyalty to her becuase she feels insecure and unlovable, what test could be bigger than this. She obviously isn't a bad person at heart or i don't think she'd have signed the pre nup thing. A woman frets over security and I believe she is showing you how much she trusts you by doing this. She obviously wants to gain your trust in return by providing you with proof of her boundry.

I suppose whatever the reason the fact of it is that your wife has betrayed your trust and has left you feeling shell shocked and unsure of where to go with this next. Whatever the reason for this, drink, post natal depression or perhaps she really was inclined to do this thing anyway. I think you should honour her recovery from alcohol but also honour yourself aswell. Take some time out and ask yourself if deep down you could truly forgive and forget and hold no resentment whatsoever, and never let the issue cloud your thinking or behaviour towards her ever. If you couldnt do that, how is it likely to affect you from here on in and also how would that be likely to affect your wife from here on in. and might it affect your wife enough to cause a relapse in her recovery which would start that old merry go round off again. Im also sure that you are thinking about your child as well in all this. perhaps it might be easier not to think about what is best for you and her but what is truly best for your child instead?

Difficult situation I wouldn't like to be in your shoes right now, might be worth asking your own higher power to provide a solution for the best possible outcome for all concerned, and trust that HP will do that.. sorry i couldn't be of more help.
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alcoholic , cheating , mind , morals

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