Romey4

Hi. My name is Romey, and I'm new to this site. My partner, who is an alcoholic, and I broke up 2 months ago after a 13 year relationship. I am trying to understand his alcoholism, to see it as a disease, and to learn how to deal with the anger I feel.

Its taken me a while to see that his alcoholism has affected me in a very bad way, and I'm tired of being sad and feeling guilty about it. He is now in AA, and I truly don't understand everything he is dealing with, but really want to in hopes that I will be able to help him.

After reading many of your posts, its sad to see how many of us have gone through, or are going through, the exact same thing.

I never thought I'd be back on the "singles" list due to the fact that my partner couldn't see past the drink. It sucks to lose your partner to alcohol! I think it would be easier to deal with had he just up and left, or found another guy and dumped me for him...but I guess in a way he did!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

tallulah

Hey Romey.. welcome to SR :ghug

I really recommend reading about the subject of alcoholism. There are stickys at the top of the page which are a good starting point.

Are you attending any Al-anon groups or therapy?

Romey4

Hi there. I haven't yet, but am at a point now where I can see I can't handle this alone. I've found a list of available groups in my area. are you a member of a group? which type of group should I be looking for? there are so many different terms I don't know.

tallulah

Yeah.. I attend an Al-anon group. I only wish I'd gone there sooner..

I was a bundle of nerves when I first went. I spent most of the first meeting staring at the floor and when I wasn't in some kind of floor gazing trance I was sobbing like a child. But I kept going back.. and I have to say the feeling that I was not alone, the experience and strength and hope that was in that room made me feel so much better it was palpable. Then a few days later I went to another meeting in the area and I attended that one regularly too... although I've had to cut down to the one meeting for a while because of transport issues.

They say, when you attend your first meeting, try 6 meetings before you decide whether Al-anon is for you. It makes sense because you're confused and overwhelmed and a little bewildered when you first start. It is also a good idea to try different meetings.. because one group may not be for you but the next might be.. the dynamics are different from group to group.

Don't be put off by the structure, the terms, the way everyone seems to know what they are doing or seem a mile in front of you... I know that made me feel a little bit of an outsider when I first attended.. it does get better and everyone but everyone started by first walking through that door as a 'newbie'.

Romey4

yea the feeling that everyone will stare at me when I walk in, or if I break down (which is happening alot lately) has me very nervous. I suppose that feeling can't be any worse than how I feel now. I'm curious to hear how other people have dealt with alcoholics in their own situations because I am really angry about all this, and its keeping me up at night..literally.

Thanks for your words of encouragement! I am going to give it a shot!

TakingCharge999

Hi Romey, don't worry, no one will stare, and if you break down... it does not matter... everybody breaks down and everybody there has cried way too much already from this. Remember you will be among friends, if someone will "get" you its them.
Hugs!

tallulah

It feels that way.. that everyone will stare and you’ll wind up feeling or looking silly.. but trust me it isn’t like that. I started going to Al-anon 4 months ago. People (newcomers) have come to the group since that time and I can see it from the other side now.. the warmth and the understanding of the group might not be evident at first, but it is there.

I understand the anger.. the frustration and the sheer disbelief sometimes that life is where it is when you walk into that room.. but there is strength in talking to people who have walked a mile in your shoes and understand.

Keep coming back to SR and posting. It isn’t face to face but the same kind of support is here.

Romey4

do you think they'll kick me out if I just scream at the top of my lungs? I really need to release some built up frustration

Romey4

Thank you! my friends really don't understand the bs I've had to deal with over the past several years, and they don't get why I am having such trouble understanding myself at the moment...and I've always thought of myself as a pretty uncomplicated a person! thanks for the encouragment!

isurvived

Each and everyone of us on the "fallout" end of alcoholism knows exactly how you are feeling. One day you want to scream, the next day you want to crawl in a hole and hide, and the days in between you just feel paralized. It is heartbreaking. The hardest thing to understand is how a person you loved so dearly, can let it all go for some liquid in a bottle! They say they will do one thing, (promise to quit) and do another.

Alanon is the place for you if you need some face to face understanding. This site is awesome too, everyone has "been there, done that".

TakingCharge999

Ah yes Romey, its very frustrating, also when there is a breakup they think it is a normal mourning when its so much more complicated than that... and no one that has not been touched by alcoholism understands! Good luck in your meeting.

Romey4

haha yeah...yesterday I crawled in a dark hole and shut out the light. today I want to scream and kick and just throw a fit until my body aches! I struggle with the fact that we live in the same apt, but in different rooms, and although we love eachother, we cannot be together for the simple reason that it is too much for him to bear at this point...that is soooo unfair! I fear that when he is finally ready to deal with a relationship, it will be with someone else! (OK...back to the screaming part)

GiveLove

Scream, kick, cry, talk, run around the block......we all have to use all the tools at our disposal to get better I used a combination of counseling and Al-Anon, but counseling was more helpful to me because I worked with a guy who specialized in grief and loss. WAYYY helpful.

Do you mean to say that you guys are still sharing the same apartment even though you're broken up? Or are you just in the same building? The latter would hard enough....the former would be...unbearable....

?

Romey4

yeah..sharing the same apt. It sucks! Although in the last year our relationship dwindled to a friendship, and sex was non existent for the most part (OK once or twice...three times MAX) it is still difficult. Most nights he would pass out on the couch, an empty bottle of vodka/rum/wine/whatev on the table, so I got used to sleeping alone. I work days and he works nights so we rarely see eachother. I've been afraid to kick him out, or move out myself because I am afraid he will fall apart. Im so used to taking care of him!

TakingCharge999

Romey have you considered to see an individual therapist? They help a lot sorting out what you want in life and how to get there!!

I know how much it sucks to live in the same place and have issues, I felt that way too and I had to look for a friend to live with... maybe there is some other arrangement you can make so you have your own space to think clearly?

Romey4

I've considered both....seeing an individual therapist and also finding another place to live temporarily. I am not ready to move out although its probably best. I don't want to leave him alone because he will be so lonely and sad and I don't want to see him fall. as i re-read that statement, I realize I can't help him whether I'm there or not...this is so frustrating.

TakingCharge999

Well.. you can move out just for a week or any given period, it does not mean you have to move out for good right away...

Romey, that is very hard, but its true... he has to handle his own emotions alone

And you need to do what is best for you.

Romey4

I might be able to do that....I can see where that would help in transitioning....I'll think about that.

thanks!

Tryingtobefree

Hi, Romey and welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us but very sorry for the reason. I recently (1 month ago) left my ABF of 3 years and it is very sad. I too never thought I would be single because of a bottle. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do.

I've found the best thing I can do for myself is simply to focus on me. My priority now is getting myself healthy - physically, emotionally, mentally and financially. Like many others here, all aspects of my life the last three years revolved around taking care of my A or trying to find a way to make him put the bottle down.

Another thing that helped me tremendously is Alanon. As I mentioned in another thread, I am not much of a "group person" but knowing that I was not alone and learning about others' experiences was invaluable.

I promise you that no on will judge you. We are all there for the same reason - we have someone we love who has a problem with alcohol. I cried through the entire first meeting myself.

Please take time and be kind to yourself right now. It's a very difficult period but it will get better.

Daisy30

HI! and Welcome!!
You've come to a great place!

Your words struck right at my heart. I had many (if not all) of the same feelings as you in the beginning.


This is a sad disease. PLEASE remember You didn't cause it, YOU can't control it, and You can't cure it.

The way we help A's is by helping ourselves. Stepping out of the way and letting them own what is theirs.

Here is what helped me in the beginning of my recovery;

Educating myself about alcholism "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting Them Sober" are helpful reads (you'd think I got a commision for as much as I recommend them...lol)

Going to al-anon~ I am a different person today b/c of the program and I like this "me" a whole lot better. I have learned a lot about anger, resentment, how I treat people, detatchment, taking care of me, etc....I feel like I had my brain rewired (in a good way ).

Going to counceling. I looked for a councelor who had a lot of experience w/ addiction counceling.

Oh and you will find many people just don't "get it" if they have not been in an Alcoholic relationship.

Keep posting!