Need help in gently setting boundaries
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Lol.. oh my.. if there is one thing I’m crystal clear on now it is that you can go to as many meetings as you like, have a sponsor and commitment (everything from literature to treasurer in his case) and it doesn’t equal recovery. You’re working it right? Well then..
I get to one meeting a week… one therapy session a week. But I’m working really hard on myself.. every day. I have to say I’d probably feel a little miffed if someone said to me you’re not doing X number of meetings so you’re not working it.
Ack.. I feel for you when you say that your inventory is taken. I can’t imagine accepting that these days.
I’m acutely aware that one side is being posted and that she is not here to post her side… but in any event, and please don’t take this the wrong way as it is not a criticism or personal, anyone not matter how healthy they are would benefit from some support when they become involved with a recovering alcoholic.. even if it is just to understand the disease. She would probably benefit...
I get to one meeting a week… one therapy session a week. But I’m working really hard on myself.. every day. I have to say I’d probably feel a little miffed if someone said to me you’re not doing X number of meetings so you’re not working it.
Ack.. I feel for you when you say that your inventory is taken. I can’t imagine accepting that these days.
I’m acutely aware that one side is being posted and that she is not here to post her side… but in any event, and please don’t take this the wrong way as it is not a criticism or personal, anyone not matter how healthy they are would benefit from some support when they become involved with a recovering alcoholic.. even if it is just to understand the disease. She would probably benefit...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
It sounds to me like there is a lot of guessing and assuming going on from both sides rather than open, honest communication. This is what I was getting at in my earlier post. Take some time to examine, I mean really dig down into it, what it is about the 'double standard' that irks you so much. I'm not saying it shouldn't bother you, it obviously does, and it would bother me, too. What I'm saying is, go further into it with yourself. Most of the 'problems' I have with others behavior is fear-based.
So, if it were me in this scenario, I would try to look at what I'm afraid of. Is it a fear of losing my independence, my individuality? A fear of losing control? A fear of being taken advantage of? What physical feelings to I get when these 'discussions' take place? Do the muscles in my neck tighten up? What situations in my past caused the same physical reaction? Was it when my dad promised me something and didn't show up? By going deeper into your own feelings about what's really going on here, you can then communicate more clearly. i.e. "When you refuse to tell me where you were, I feel the same fear I felt when I was little kid in XYZ scenario. I know this is my problem and something I have to deal with, but I'm asking you to help by not putting me in this position."
That makes it about you, about protecting yourself, which is a true boundary. Not a tit-for-tat, if you do it, I get to do it, too. It's not threatening, and it puts you in charge of your own destiny, as well as putting you more in touch with your own feelings.
L
So, if it were me in this scenario, I would try to look at what I'm afraid of. Is it a fear of losing my independence, my individuality? A fear of losing control? A fear of being taken advantage of? What physical feelings to I get when these 'discussions' take place? Do the muscles in my neck tighten up? What situations in my past caused the same physical reaction? Was it when my dad promised me something and didn't show up? By going deeper into your own feelings about what's really going on here, you can then communicate more clearly. i.e. "When you refuse to tell me where you were, I feel the same fear I felt when I was little kid in XYZ scenario. I know this is my problem and something I have to deal with, but I'm asking you to help by not putting me in this position."
That makes it about you, about protecting yourself, which is a true boundary. Not a tit-for-tat, if you do it, I get to do it, too. It's not threatening, and it puts you in charge of your own destiny, as well as putting you more in touch with your own feelings.
L
I FEEL that in emails she will "paint a picture", she describe a scenario in which she has no part, ignore and invalidate everything I have written, and "paint a picture" of me and of what happened only focusing on me.
Her part doesn't exist.
When I say "this is an unattractive picture of me" and it doesn't take into account nor address anything I have written. she will say, I didn't use those words, you are putting words in my mouth, I never thought that."
You don't have to say you are a poopy butt, if you say, well you apparently pooped in your diapers, there is a bad smell, there is a bulge etc. you have "painted a picture of a poopy butt, so I will say, you called me a poopy butt, she says, "No I didn't, you are assuming I called you a poopy butt, you are invalidating my feelings and putting words in my mouth."
She will literally like...say, well you have feathers, you quack, you fly south for the winter, and I will respond with, Ok, you are calling me a duck. She will get extremely angry and say I am putting words in her mouth.
She just flat out ignores what I am trying to convey and returns to "my transgression(s). I mean like it doesn't exist. No matter how many times I say, "OK, I see you, I hear you, I got that, I NEED you to hear me here, I NEED to convey a few things to you about what's going on with ME."
The next email goes back to my "transgression(s) and just completely either ignores what I am saying, or just labels it as "blaming" or "controversial" or that I am "deflecting"
We are just going round and round.
This is why I think third person help is needed actually.
That makes it about you, about protecting yourself, which is a true boundary. Not a tit-for-tat, if you do it, I get to do it, too. It's not threatening, and it puts you in charge of your own destiny, as well as putting you more in touch with your own feelings.
Yeah, I'm getting to this as well, thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Can you give her a list of 5 suggestions that would work for you? (on a piece of paper)
Can you ask her for a list of 5 suggestions that would work for her? (on a piece of paper)
Can you ask her for a list of 5 suggestions that would work for her? (on a piece of paper)
Are you willing to do it?
From this outsider, you both have boundaries that you REALLY need at this point to set in stone and protect, or else there's no hope for you. And you can do it gently.
Bringing it back to your original question.....
Maybe take some time away from here and work on this?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Ago!
I read all the thread... these are just my humble impressions:
- I think she is projecting all her issues into you
- I think there is a lot of past involved in this relationship
- I think you are taking charge of your 50%, but I do not see her 50% anywhere
She doesn't want to set up a future where there is a controlling dynamic
Excuse me but from you I see healthy boundaries, the controlling dynamic is coming from her, that "first boundary" is totally controlling... it is not a boundary at all as we understand it! "If you leave I will be totally hurt for my abandonment issues" OK so now you are forced to stay by her until she dies? she has lots of inner work to do regarding her inner child... if you are with someone it is out of your free will, not out of obligation!
Seems to me like she wants to be able to have secrets but doesn't want you to have any
It was all said in that call "I won't tell you". Unless its a surprise party she is planning, I guess we were done with those high school games? If you do not need to know her whereabouts... and she does not want you to know (this seems a red flag to me) why don't she just keep silent? This seems to me like a very immature behaviour. I think this is about her "keeping her space, being independent" ...totally misunderstood.
It is because I do have a history (and am an alcoholic male, we don't have the best track record, that I understand)
Of course I realize why she is wary, after all. But you are not his ex's. You are Ago. It is not fair to judge you from your past - not if you have demonstrated you are no longer that person for 6 months. Trust issues came long before you arrived in her life. What is she doing about these? I sense she is doing what I have done too many times: see you as the 'quick fix' for all the issues. This is not fair. And this is not effective.
Another example of bumping into it was Facebook.
Just for the record, I hate Facebook. You are the Nth person that has heartache due to it. Its related to the next quote..
So that's how I "justify" being her "dirty little secret" otherwise if that makes sense.
You are not a dirty little secret Ago, you are Ago, your demands of being treated like someone's partner are totally understandable. It seems her ex has not been truly gone in her heart or mind.
Blaming this whole thing on my "lack of recovery"
Buy her a mirror
Sorry Ago, maybe I sounded blunt. I just do not see her doing anything, at the end of this thread I pictured you walking on a bridge bringing your best self, staring at the middle to meet her halfway.. while she is still on the other far end, not even facing you, just looking back towards the shore.
I hope things turn out well for you... I agree 100%, our goal is to be healthy, single or not.
I read all the thread... these are just my humble impressions:
- I think she is projecting all her issues into you
- I think there is a lot of past involved in this relationship
- I think you are taking charge of your 50%, but I do not see her 50% anywhere
She doesn't want to set up a future where there is a controlling dynamic
Excuse me but from you I see healthy boundaries, the controlling dynamic is coming from her, that "first boundary" is totally controlling... it is not a boundary at all as we understand it! "If you leave I will be totally hurt for my abandonment issues" OK so now you are forced to stay by her until she dies? she has lots of inner work to do regarding her inner child... if you are with someone it is out of your free will, not out of obligation!
Seems to me like she wants to be able to have secrets but doesn't want you to have any
It was all said in that call "I won't tell you". Unless its a surprise party she is planning, I guess we were done with those high school games? If you do not need to know her whereabouts... and she does not want you to know (this seems a red flag to me) why don't she just keep silent? This seems to me like a very immature behaviour. I think this is about her "keeping her space, being independent" ...totally misunderstood.
It is because I do have a history (and am an alcoholic male, we don't have the best track record, that I understand)
Of course I realize why she is wary, after all. But you are not his ex's. You are Ago. It is not fair to judge you from your past - not if you have demonstrated you are no longer that person for 6 months. Trust issues came long before you arrived in her life. What is she doing about these? I sense she is doing what I have done too many times: see you as the 'quick fix' for all the issues. This is not fair. And this is not effective.
Another example of bumping into it was Facebook.
Just for the record, I hate Facebook. You are the Nth person that has heartache due to it. Its related to the next quote..
So that's how I "justify" being her "dirty little secret" otherwise if that makes sense.
You are not a dirty little secret Ago, you are Ago, your demands of being treated like someone's partner are totally understandable. It seems her ex has not been truly gone in her heart or mind.
Blaming this whole thing on my "lack of recovery"
Buy her a mirror
Sorry Ago, maybe I sounded blunt. I just do not see her doing anything, at the end of this thread I pictured you walking on a bridge bringing your best self, staring at the middle to meet her halfway.. while she is still on the other far end, not even facing you, just looking back towards the shore.
I hope things turn out well for you... I agree 100%, our goal is to be healthy, single or not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I would like to ask that this thread be locked.
I got some GREAT insight and advice but a few times I also got angry and said things that were one-sided.
That isn't fair to my GF, she's not here to defend herself nor tell her side of the story, and it was my fault the thread turned that way, I should have waited 48 hours and approached it differently, from a "clearer" standpoint.
Any fault is mine.
Thank you SO much everybody, I got a TON of great stuff, I will go through and pull out the most helpful in my notes and utilize them
I got some GREAT insight and advice but a few times I also got angry and said things that were one-sided.
That isn't fair to my GF, she's not here to defend herself nor tell her side of the story, and it was my fault the thread turned that way, I should have waited 48 hours and approached it differently, from a "clearer" standpoint.
Any fault is mine.
Thank you SO much everybody, I got a TON of great stuff, I will go through and pull out the most helpful in my notes and utilize them
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
