Need help in gently setting boundaries
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A -
I'm sick today and my mind is scattered, but I have a feeling I'll get little bits and pieces of intuition about this throughout the day....so forgive me if I post more than once.
The first question that arose for me was: Do you really HAVE to report where you were, who you were with, etc. -- or is that just your perception? If you asked her, would SHE agree that's what she demands?
My second would be: If it's something that she agrees she requires, do you like HAVING to do it in order to ensure tranquility in the relationship?
Transparency is an interesting thing when people have damage in their backgrounds, and it seems exacerbated by distance. I have a lot of issues around infidelity, and they also manifest in a deep curiosity about long periods of time where my beloved is AWOL. The difference here is that, when he pops back into view, I can look up from my book and say, "Hey, hi. Where'd you go?" And he can say, "Oh, I went for a run on the plateau..." Beyond that, if I doubt, if I pry, if I feel the need to verify details etc., that is MY STUFF that I need to work on. I am not interested in making this man pay for what someone else did to me.
If we lived on separate coasts, that would not be possible.
That said, I can never envision a scenario in which I -- or he -- together or apart -- would say, "I'm not going to tell you where I was." That would create a rift in any relationship.
And by the way, it sounds like there is a great deal of fear in your voice about repercussions if you express how you feel.
That really sucks to hear. I don't give a damn how "scary" some people consider you to be, nor does the wrath of a woman bug me, nor do your eyes have one bit of bearing on this -- that is all IRRELEVANT and doesn't exempt anyone from treating you with respect, fairness, and kindness.
You have asked for help setting gentle boundaries.
Articulate one - or all - of them for us, in standard "When this happens, I feel XXX, and so if that behavior continues, for my own serenity, I'll XXX." Tell us what boundary you'd like to set, and perhaps we can suggest a fair and gentle way of suggesting it.
I would rather lose a few digits to a tiger and walk away, then live in fear of the tiger my whole life.
:ghug3
I'm sick today and my mind is scattered, but I have a feeling I'll get little bits and pieces of intuition about this throughout the day....so forgive me if I post more than once.
The first question that arose for me was: Do you really HAVE to report where you were, who you were with, etc. -- or is that just your perception? If you asked her, would SHE agree that's what she demands?
My second would be: If it's something that she agrees she requires, do you like HAVING to do it in order to ensure tranquility in the relationship?
Transparency is an interesting thing when people have damage in their backgrounds, and it seems exacerbated by distance. I have a lot of issues around infidelity, and they also manifest in a deep curiosity about long periods of time where my beloved is AWOL. The difference here is that, when he pops back into view, I can look up from my book and say, "Hey, hi. Where'd you go?" And he can say, "Oh, I went for a run on the plateau..." Beyond that, if I doubt, if I pry, if I feel the need to verify details etc., that is MY STUFF that I need to work on. I am not interested in making this man pay for what someone else did to me.
If we lived on separate coasts, that would not be possible.
That said, I can never envision a scenario in which I -- or he -- together or apart -- would say, "I'm not going to tell you where I was." That would create a rift in any relationship.
And by the way, it sounds like there is a great deal of fear in your voice about repercussions if you express how you feel.
That really sucks to hear. I don't give a damn how "scary" some people consider you to be, nor does the wrath of a woman bug me, nor do your eyes have one bit of bearing on this -- that is all IRRELEVANT and doesn't exempt anyone from treating you with respect, fairness, and kindness.
You have asked for help setting gentle boundaries.
Articulate one - or all - of them for us, in standard "When this happens, I feel XXX, and so if that behavior continues, for my own serenity, I'll XXX." Tell us what boundary you'd like to set, and perhaps we can suggest a fair and gentle way of suggesting it.
I would rather lose a few digits to a tiger and walk away, then live in fear of the tiger my whole life.
:ghug3
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
There are two books I read that really helped me in understanding my relationship issues:
Conscious Loving - by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks
Getting the Love You Want - by Harville Hendrix
Basically, it comes down to understanding your own feelings and where they come from. Only then can you effectively communicate them to the other person. "This bothers me," is a knee-jerk reaction. It's your job to figure out why it bothers you, what you are reacting to, and why.
Most relationships head into the power struggle dynamic once the initial infatuation starts to cool. If it is to go beyond that, into a deeper, more meaningful bond, then both partners must examine their motives and behaviors. Obviously, you can only check your own. But, by doing that, you create the environment where she can do the same.
Also, it seems to me that "gently" setting boundaries means doing it without p!ssing her off. Sometimes, that's just not possible. Then again, boundaries don't mean "if you do this, I get to do it, too," or "if you don't do this, I won't do it, either." As mentioned above, boundaries are about protecting yourself, and they are different for every person.
L
Conscious Loving - by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks
Getting the Love You Want - by Harville Hendrix
Basically, it comes down to understanding your own feelings and where they come from. Only then can you effectively communicate them to the other person. "This bothers me," is a knee-jerk reaction. It's your job to figure out why it bothers you, what you are reacting to, and why.
Most relationships head into the power struggle dynamic once the initial infatuation starts to cool. If it is to go beyond that, into a deeper, more meaningful bond, then both partners must examine their motives and behaviors. Obviously, you can only check your own. But, by doing that, you create the environment where she can do the same.
Also, it seems to me that "gently" setting boundaries means doing it without p!ssing her off. Sometimes, that's just not possible. Then again, boundaries don't mean "if you do this, I get to do it, too," or "if you don't do this, I won't do it, either." As mentioned above, boundaries are about protecting yourself, and they are different for every person.
L
Basically I feel I have been "allowing" a double standard to continue in order to "pick my battles" but ultimately I ended up so frustrated I allowed my resentment to do my thinking for me, so "slammed the door" on all of them.
I have slowly been "allowing" an increasing number of encroachments until now I am really getting upset. So I have "swung back" too far if that makes sense.
The idea is to set boundaries up front then enforce them. I allowed some of mine to get pushed over then got angry. So rather then retroactively enforce them, I just need to clearly set them moving forward and hold to them.
There may be some lens through which this exchange could be viewed as a normal, healthy communication. I can't come up with one, though, and I have a really excellent imagination and ability to rationalize.
Kind of reeks of "I've got a secret! Oh, but I'm not going to tell you what it is!"
To me, that would be crazy-making behavior. I would feel hurt, confused, and frankly triggered. Especially if my partner knew my hot button issue and some of the abuses I'd suffered in the past.
Kind of reeks of "I've got a secret! Oh, but I'm not going to tell you what it is!"
To me, that would be crazy-making behavior. I would feel hurt, confused, and frankly triggered. Especially if my partner knew my hot button issue and some of the abuses I'd suffered in the past.
This occurred in the "middle" of a pretty intense "discussion", so her "reasoning" is, and as I understand it, she doesn't want to set up a future where there is a controlling dynamic. She doesn't feel she needs to have to be accountable for her whereabouts or have to "pony up" just because I ask. I think that's what she is saying. I am not exactly sure.
So my response was "OK, I can respect that, but in the future, that means I will no longer tell you where I was or who I was with. I am OK with that but I'm seriously not going to allow double standards any more." When I allow double standards my resentments build.
That's where she has a HUGE problem, for some reason she doesn't feel that it's fair for me to treat her the same way she treats me, and that's where I have a huge problem, I don't think it's fair for us to have two sets of rules.
I'm fine with her not telling me where she was as long as it's clear I will no longer tell her where I was in the future.
Using your example and as an example... A would text me saying 'I'm home'. I would text back 'Didn't know you were out. Where did you go?'. A would text back 'Not telling you'.
Now my 'Where did you go?' would not come from a place of checking up.. just a simple question of interest.. conversational... I wouldn't be thinking anything untoward about it and it wouldn't be starting up any cracker factory.
But the answer is 'I'm not telling you'. Now I'm thinking... eh? why that response and why so evasive?.
Now I'm thinking wtf and questioning something which wasn't in question. Left unchecked the cracker factory could be thinking alllllsorts of things. A simple expression of interest becomes one of questioning.
Underpinning that I'm wondering why even text me you're home in the first place? If you're not willing or able to say where you went why tell me you went in the first place? I could have remained ignorant and it wouldn't have made a difference.. but that simple statement of 'I'm not telling you' has now thrown in a little stink bomb and how important was it.
Again.. I can only speak from my experience and again with the benefit of that all important hindsight.. but those little things were done to receive a reaction and/or establish/maintain some control. A little game playing. In my experience he would give so much and then go ...nahahahah, no more. Of course that's a person's right.. but I was always left wondering why tell me half of something that I probably didn't need to know in the first place... why tug on that rug when I was happily standing on it.
Now my 'Where did you go?' would not come from a place of checking up.. just a simple question of interest.. conversational... I wouldn't be thinking anything untoward about it and it wouldn't be starting up any cracker factory.
But the answer is 'I'm not telling you'. Now I'm thinking... eh? why that response and why so evasive?.
Now I'm thinking wtf and questioning something which wasn't in question. Left unchecked the cracker factory could be thinking alllllsorts of things. A simple expression of interest becomes one of questioning.
Underpinning that I'm wondering why even text me you're home in the first place? If you're not willing or able to say where you went why tell me you went in the first place? I could have remained ignorant and it wouldn't have made a difference.. but that simple statement of 'I'm not telling you' has now thrown in a little stink bomb and how important was it.
Again.. I can only speak from my experience and again with the benefit of that all important hindsight.. but those little things were done to receive a reaction and/or establish/maintain some control. A little game playing. In my experience he would give so much and then go ...nahahahah, no more. Of course that's a person's right.. but I was always left wondering why tell me half of something that I probably didn't need to know in the first place... why tug on that rug when I was happily standing on it.
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Transparency is an interesting thing when people have damage in their backgrounds, and it seems exacerbated by distance. I have a lot of issues around infidelity, and they also manifest in a deep curiosity about long periods of time where my beloved is AWOL. The difference here is that, when he pops back into view, I can look up from my book and say, "Hey, hi. Where'd you go?" And he can say, "Oh, I went for a run on the plateau..." Beyond that, if I doubt, if I pry, if I feel the need to verify details etc., that is MY STUFF that I need to work on. I am not interested in making this man pay for what someone else did to me.
If we lived on separate coasts, that would not be possible.
That said, I can never envision a scenario in which I -- or he -- together or apart -- would say, "I'm not going to tell you where I was." That would create a rift in any relationship.
If we lived on separate coasts, that would not be possible.
That said, I can never envision a scenario in which I -- or he -- together or apart -- would say, "I'm not going to tell you where I was." That would create a rift in any relationship.
Suggestions?
I truly don't know of any other way to handle it other then shrug and say "OK, I have no problem with that, but I am no longer accountable to you either."
The double standard is more important to me then the fear of infidelity.
There really is no fear of infidelity, but I'm at the end of my rope with the double standard, make sense?
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Then flip it around.
Why does your beloved feel so strongly (if indeed she'd agree she does) that you need to account for your time 'off her radar' ? What is her biggest fear?
What's her nightmare scenario?
Curious.
Why does your beloved feel so strongly (if indeed she'd agree she does) that you need to account for your time 'off her radar' ? What is her biggest fear?
What's her nightmare scenario?
Curious.
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Sorry, but I'm pretty blunt, too. This relationship sounds totally unfair. Seems to me like she wants to be able to have secrets but doesn't want you to have any. This woman is still married and wants to keep your relationship a secret. Now honestly, if you read that from someone else on this board, what would you think?
The rift is there and it's widening.
Suggestions?
I truly don't know of any other way to handle it other then shrug and say "OK, I have no problem with that, but I am no longer accountable to you either."
But, it sounds to me like you DO have a problem with that. And I don't blame you.
The rift is there and it's widening.
Suggestions?
I truly don't know of any other way to handle it other then shrug and say "OK, I have no problem with that, but I am no longer accountable to you either."
But, it sounds to me like you DO have a problem with that. And I don't blame you.
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By the way, A, the primary "beat-all, end-all" relationship of my life was one of secrecy.
I was a secret. When I met him, he assured me that they had separated and there was just "a little bit of paperwork to take care of" . I was not wise enough (or strong enough) to foresee that that little bit of paperwork was locked in a ton of fear and doubt and would take seven years to get "taken care of."
And in the meantime, I felt like absolute sh*t. Honestly, that secrecy did more to undermine my self-esteem in the relationship than I could ever recount.....even after he moved in with me -- what was I thinking?
One day came when he was talking on the phone, and I was in the garden puttering. I heard him on the phone upstairs, looking out the window and unable to see me from that vantage point. He was talking to his father, and was explaining that he was "renting a room from a nice lady in Denver while he figured out what to do about his marriage."
The bottom dropped out of my stomach, heart, you name it. And on that day, I decided enough was enough, that whatever the logic behind the secrecy, it was simply doing too much damage to me to continue.
I asked him to leave, told him I loved him, and said that we could revisit our relationship when he was free to have one openly with me.
Do you think I did the right thing?
I was a secret. When I met him, he assured me that they had separated and there was just "a little bit of paperwork to take care of" . I was not wise enough (or strong enough) to foresee that that little bit of paperwork was locked in a ton of fear and doubt and would take seven years to get "taken care of."
And in the meantime, I felt like absolute sh*t. Honestly, that secrecy did more to undermine my self-esteem in the relationship than I could ever recount.....even after he moved in with me -- what was I thinking?
One day came when he was talking on the phone, and I was in the garden puttering. I heard him on the phone upstairs, looking out the window and unable to see me from that vantage point. He was talking to his father, and was explaining that he was "renting a room from a nice lady in Denver while he figured out what to do about his marriage."
The bottom dropped out of my stomach, heart, you name it. And on that day, I decided enough was enough, that whatever the logic behind the secrecy, it was simply doing too much damage to me to continue.
I asked him to leave, told him I loved him, and said that we could revisit our relationship when he was free to have one openly with me.
Do you think I did the right thing?
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
Then flip it around.
Why does your beloved feel so strongly (if indeed she'd agree she does) that you need to account for your time 'off her radar' ? What is her biggest fear?
What's her nightmare scenario?
Curious.
Why does your beloved feel so strongly (if indeed she'd agree she does) that you need to account for your time 'off her radar' ? What is her biggest fear?
What's her nightmare scenario?
Curious.
Hmmm...fairly typical codie alky double standard stuff.
I hadn't thought that through.
Thanks
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Originally Posted by Ago
The rift is there and it's widening.
Suggestions?
I truly don't know of any other way to handle it other then shrug and say "OK, I have no problem with that, but I am no longer accountable to you either."
The double standard is more important to me then the fear of infidelity.
There really is no fear of infidelity, but I'm at the end of my rope with the double standard, make sense?
Suggestions?
I truly don't know of any other way to handle it other then shrug and say "OK, I have no problem with that, but I am no longer accountable to you either."
The double standard is more important to me then the fear of infidelity.
There really is no fear of infidelity, but I'm at the end of my rope with the double standard, make sense?
It seems to me the true response is:
"Ok, I have a huge problem with that and I can't live with that response"
I agree with the earlier post who said it is baiting and manipulative behavior.
It isn't the two sets of rules.
It is the why would I want to be involved with some one who would bait me and then not tell me where she/he went for any reason.
You may be able to live like that, but I couldn't. For the record I have had HUGE issues with controlling men in my life and I will never let it happen again BUT even given my past, I would still never respond to a man with whom I was in a committed relationship "I'm not telling you"
I'm not stressed about the part where she is still married. But that is just because the I'm in a situation where the fed gov won't let me get divorced (ugh - nightmare of epic proportions) so I'm stuck. STBexH has been out of the house for over a year and the marriage was dead long before that ...
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
By the way, A, the primary "beat-all, end-all" relationship of my life was one of secrecy.
I was a secret. When I met him, he assured me that they had separated and there was just "a little bit of paperwork to take care of" . I was not wise enough (or strong enough) to foresee that that little bit of paperwork was locked in a ton of fear and doubt and would take seven years to get "taken care of."
And in the meantime, I felt like absolute sh*t. Honestly, that secrecy did more to undermine my self-esteem in the relationship than I could ever recount.....even after he moved in with me -- what was I thinking?
One day came when he was talking on the phone, and I was in the garden puttering. I heard him on the phone upstairs, looking out the window and unable to see me from that vantage point. He was talking to his father, and was explaining that he was "renting a room from a nice lady in Denver while he figured out what to do about his marriage."
The bottom dropped out of my stomach, heart, you name it. And on that day, I decided enough was enough, that whatever the logic behind the secrecy, it was simply doing too much damage to me to continue.
I asked him to leave, told him I loved him, and said that we could revisit our relationship when he was free to have one openly with me.
Do you think I did the right thing?
I was a secret. When I met him, he assured me that they had separated and there was just "a little bit of paperwork to take care of" . I was not wise enough (or strong enough) to foresee that that little bit of paperwork was locked in a ton of fear and doubt and would take seven years to get "taken care of."
And in the meantime, I felt like absolute sh*t. Honestly, that secrecy did more to undermine my self-esteem in the relationship than I could ever recount.....even after he moved in with me -- what was I thinking?
One day came when he was talking on the phone, and I was in the garden puttering. I heard him on the phone upstairs, looking out the window and unable to see me from that vantage point. He was talking to his father, and was explaining that he was "renting a room from a nice lady in Denver while he figured out what to do about his marriage."
The bottom dropped out of my stomach, heart, you name it. And on that day, I decided enough was enough, that whatever the logic behind the secrecy, it was simply doing too much damage to me to continue.
I asked him to leave, told him I loved him, and said that we could revisit our relationship when he was free to have one openly with me.
Do you think I did the right thing?
I have met her mother and best friend, so that's how I "justify" being her "dirty little secret" otherwise if that makes sense.
I have now learned that STB means exactly that, and soon is subject to interpretation, like "soon" in a geological sense or measured in years maybe.
I'm not happy with being a secret and it's getting less OK as time goes on.
Like, all of these things we ignored during the honeymoon phase are coming to a head now, the lines are being drawn in the sand, truthfully it could go either direction, towards health and togetherness, towards health and splitting up, or quite frankly, unhealthy.
I'll take healthy for 300 Alex, but am literally at the point that it doesn't matter if it's healthy single or together. I need healthy, and it needs to start with me, hence this thread.
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
A little deeper, please.
So why is it that when you say, "I'm not going to sleep with anyone else. I am with you", that that isn't good enough? Is it because you're a recovering alcoholic and "alcoholics lie" ? (yes, I've been there, so I understand her point of view too...)
Your relationship is riddled with trust issues.....I think that's pretty normal in this stage of courtship, as LTD points out. The question is how you'll get through them. It CAN be done, but what will it cost you both to get there? And are you both willing to bear the cost equally, or will that too be one-sided?
So why is it that when you say, "I'm not going to sleep with anyone else. I am with you", that that isn't good enough? Is it because you're a recovering alcoholic and "alcoholics lie" ? (yes, I've been there, so I understand her point of view too...)
Your relationship is riddled with trust issues.....I think that's pretty normal in this stage of courtship, as LTD points out. The question is how you'll get through them. It CAN be done, but what will it cost you both to get there? And are you both willing to bear the cost equally, or will that too be one-sided?
I still have to guess, but I would guess it is because I do have a history (and am an alcoholic male, we don't have the best track record, that I understand)
I actually do think that it's OK when I say, "I'm not going to sleep with anyone else. I am with you", and it's OK if she says that to me, I believe her, but I am NOT going to allow a double standard. Period.
I don't know, truthfully I am OK with either direction, but it needs to be the same for both of us.
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I'm not stressed about the part where she is still married. But that is just because the I'm in a situation where the fed gov won't let me get divorced (ugh - nightmare of epic proportions) so I'm stuck. STBexH has been out of the house for over a year and the marriage was dead long before that ...
She's not ready to let go of her marriage. Not because of her husband per se, but the house, etc. He is not a "romantic rival" but he still for example, gets all of her mail, handles her vehicle registration etc. She is "still married" on some levels, and not on others.
Another example of bumping into it was Facebook.
I've asked her for a time frame and been informed there isn't one and it would be a bad idea to ask for one. It's been 3.5 years.
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"Ok, I have a huge problem with that and I can't live with that response"
I have been informed that is her primary boundary, I am not "allowed" to "leave", it's "abandonment" and hurts her on her most basic level.
I have tried to explain, it's not "behavior modification", If I say that, it's because I can't have -it*- in my life, period, no ifs ands or buts.
She's not understanding, or maybe she is, that I literally am at wits end here, and feel like I am running out of options.
Her "Primary boundary" is me leaving, or not leaving.
I am saying, "this is intolerable to me, I can't or won't stay if this continues"
She says this is "threatening" to her as she has deep rooted abandonment issues, and it's no OK for me to say I will leave her (or leave her)
She is not "hearing me" when I say "This is intolerable, if this continues I HAVE to leave" not as behavior modification but as self preservation, then the discussion becomes about me crossing her "primary boundary" and my "stuff" gets swept under the rug, and any attempt by me to bring it up is labeled "deflection", "controversial" and "blaming"
This is the core.
*whatever "it" happens to be.
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I too have big abandonment issues.
I understand her fear. I mean I really really understand it.
I've learned that you can't control some one into staying. You just can't. If you could there are three possible men that I would have had a long and happy life with
If she is acting in ways that make you miserable, and you express this to her, and say "but I'm not leaving - we just need to find a different way - I'm willing to talk and discuss any number of solutions".
She must be a part of the solution too.
There must be a "new way" that is palatable to you both.
Can you give her a list of 5 suggestions that would work for you? (on a piece of paper)
Can you ask her for a list of 5 suggestions that would work for her? (on a piece of paper)
Can you guys see if any of them are the same?
I also want to say ...
I see that you care about her
I see that you are trying talk to her
I see that you are thinking of leaving
I see the guilt that is bringing up since she has said "don't leave" I am so scared you'll leave ... and you love her
Did she ask you not leave at the very beginning? Did she say I'm so vulnerable ... etc
Did you promise her you would never leave? ...
I understand her fear. I mean I really really understand it.
I've learned that you can't control some one into staying. You just can't. If you could there are three possible men that I would have had a long and happy life with
If she is acting in ways that make you miserable, and you express this to her, and say "but I'm not leaving - we just need to find a different way - I'm willing to talk and discuss any number of solutions".
She must be a part of the solution too.
There must be a "new way" that is palatable to you both.
Can you give her a list of 5 suggestions that would work for you? (on a piece of paper)
Can you ask her for a list of 5 suggestions that would work for her? (on a piece of paper)
Can you guys see if any of them are the same?
I also want to say ...
I see that you care about her
I see that you are trying talk to her
I see that you are thinking of leaving
I see the guilt that is bringing up since she has said "don't leave" I am so scared you'll leave ... and you love her
Did she ask you not leave at the very beginning? Did she say I'm so vulnerable ... etc
Did you promise her you would never leave? ...
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I think the 'healthy' for you thing is the crux of this. I've come to learn that we are in control of our own healthy.
Is it healthy for you to be on what seems on the face of it a one way street? I acknowledge that, from what you have posted, there are issues around trust and abandonment etc on her part... and reciprocity and being heard etc on your part. But both parties need to address them to move forward. And like most things it means sitting down and communicating... which if I remember from your earlier posts hasn't been a problem in the past. It also means holding up the mirror and working on ourself. You are doing that in your recovery. Is she?
I have to say.. in my experience.. unless both people are working on it, separately and together, it is damned difficult to get healthy interdependence and equilibrium.
I also want to say... kudos to you for addressing this with an open mind and an open heart.
Is it healthy for you to be on what seems on the face of it a one way street? I acknowledge that, from what you have posted, there are issues around trust and abandonment etc on her part... and reciprocity and being heard etc on your part. But both parties need to address them to move forward. And like most things it means sitting down and communicating... which if I remember from your earlier posts hasn't been a problem in the past. It also means holding up the mirror and working on ourself. You are doing that in your recovery. Is she?
I have to say.. in my experience.. unless both people are working on it, separately and together, it is damned difficult to get healthy interdependence and equilibrium.
I also want to say... kudos to you for addressing this with an open mind and an open heart.
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It sounds to me like there is a lot of guessing and assuming going on from both sides rather than open, honest communication. This is what I was getting at in my earlier post. Take some time to examine, I mean really dig down into it, what it is about the 'double standard' that irks you so much. I'm not saying it shouldn't bother you, it obviously does, and it would bother me, too. What I'm saying is, go further into it with yourself. Most of the 'problems' I have with others behavior is fear-based.
So, if it were me in this scenario, I would try to look at what I'm afraid of. Is it a fear of losing my independence, my individuality? A fear of losing control? A fear of being taken advantage of? What physical feelings to I get when these 'discussions' take place? Do the muscles in my neck tighten up? What situations in my past caused the same physical reaction? Was it when my dad promised me something and didn't show up? By going deeper into your own feelings about what's really going on here, you can then communicate more clearly. i.e. "When you refuse to tell me where you were, I feel the same fear I felt when I was little kid in XYZ scenario. I know this is my problem and something I have to deal with, but I'm asking you to help by not putting me in this position."
That makes it about you, about protecting yourself, which is a true boundary. Not a tit-for-tat, if you do it, I get to do it, too. It's not threatening, and it puts you in charge of your own destiny, as well as putting you more in touch with your own feelings.
L
So, if it were me in this scenario, I would try to look at what I'm afraid of. Is it a fear of losing my independence, my individuality? A fear of losing control? A fear of being taken advantage of? What physical feelings to I get when these 'discussions' take place? Do the muscles in my neck tighten up? What situations in my past caused the same physical reaction? Was it when my dad promised me something and didn't show up? By going deeper into your own feelings about what's really going on here, you can then communicate more clearly. i.e. "When you refuse to tell me where you were, I feel the same fear I felt when I was little kid in XYZ scenario. I know this is my problem and something I have to deal with, but I'm asking you to help by not putting me in this position."
That makes it about you, about protecting yourself, which is a true boundary. Not a tit-for-tat, if you do it, I get to do it, too. It's not threatening, and it puts you in charge of your own destiny, as well as putting you more in touch with your own feelings.
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
You are doing that in your recovery. Is she?
but she attends no meetings or therapy but it's my "lack of program" and recovery that is evidently the issue when it's actually "i'm done with this sh1t" that is the issue.
But every single issue is all me, nothing but me, 100% me, all the "focus" is on me, I am desperately trying to say there is two of us here.
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