a713andrea

My bf and I are crazy about eachother. I love him and he loves me but... theres an ugly side to him...
he is 99 days sober and i am so proud of him but.. i dont understand him.
i have seen him BLOW UP and punch holes through walls in an argument with his sister (while i cry in the corner of his closet because i was scared) and him blow it off in a few minutes and simply justify it with "thats the monster i used to be, i dont know why it came out but it happens". I support him with all my heart (giving him his space, understanding AA will AWAYS be 1st in his life ect ect) but i feel pressured not to let him know ANYTHING that bothers me. I am scared it will push him off the edge so i should be perfect___ like he said once to me in an argument "i really dont need this right now, this extra $%& stress"
he's walked out of 2 good jobs (literally walked out) and im scared as easily he disposes everything else, he can dispose me.
i am scared and i am new to this recovery way of life.
please, i just need to understand what goes on in the mind of a recovering alcoholic and what i can do to help!!

ANGELINA243

Just know that you didn't cause anything. It is his problem--and his alone. It is great that you want to be supportive--but you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around any guy--in any relationship--whether they are alcoholic or not. Be sure to take care of yourself. He sounds like he has a lot of issues he needs to work on--especially anger issues. You deserve to be happy and to not be afraid. Glad you decided to post here. You are not alone. Again--his problems have nothing to do with you. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it---his alcoholism. If you fear him, you may want to reconsider being in this relationship. Remember--take care of you--first and foremost.

RobinsFly

It sounds like you really care about your bf and want to help him.
Those are very natural feelings.

Just know that YOU cannot reason with or comfort someone who doesn't yet know how to express (or recognize) their feelings. He has angry outbursts because he doesn't know what else to do. It might be second nature to him.
You cannot change this. Only he can.

It is up to him to sort through the reasons for his addiction and subsequent anger. He might do the work, and he might not. Again, this is beyond your control.

Love shouldn't feel like you have to walk on eggshells. And remember, you can love someone but choose not to be the target of verbal abuse.

Try to take care of yourself

Daisy30

Welcome! Glad you are here!!

wow I can understand how difficult this must be.

I have a few suggestions.

First, have you educated yourself about the disease of alcoholism? If not take a look at the "classic reading" section at the top of this forum. There are a lot of great suggestions there.

Next, Have you tried to go to al-anon? YOu are welcome there "Whether the alcoholic is drinking or not" It's a great place to find support. I really befefit from going each week.

I think it is time for you to set a boundary in your relationship. ie. If he _________ I will __________. One boundary I had with my AH was If he drinks, I will not get in the car with him.

Yours might go something like this, If he Yells, I will leave the building.

You may want to check out the sticky at the top of this forum about abuse too.

I wanted to add, that you CAN love and support someone and not be living/dating/married to them.

Tryingtobefree

Welcome! I'm glad you've found this site but sorry for the reasons you are here. You will find a ton of great information here as well as some very wise and experienced people. Please take some time and read the "stickies" at the top of the top of the F&F forum. They are very helpful in learning about alcoholism.

Although your bf is sober for 99 days it doesn't sound as if he has the tools he needs to help him manage his feelings. If he's attending AA he has people available to him who can help him learn the tools that he needs. Does he have a sponsor?

I mean this in the kindest way - please know that this really has nothing to do with you. This is a battle he has to face. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it no matter how much you love him. I'm sorry but it is true.

There are people on this board who have literally tried for decades to help alcoholic loved ones. You can be supportive of him but you can't fix this for him. The only one who can help him is himself.

However, it does not give him the right to treat you badly or do things that scare you.

I'm sure you don't want to hear it (believe me I didn't want to hear it no matter how many times I heard it) but now would be a really good time for you to take a step back and focus your time and energy on yourself and making sure you are taken care of.

I know the pain and anxiety you are in right now is hell. I've been there myself. Since your bf is in AA you might want to try Alanon. I'm not much of a "group person" but even the few meetings I went to helped me tremendously.

a713andrea

Thankyou sooo much to everyone!
i was a little hesitant of joining because i wasnt sure what to expect or if it was right to just... pour my heart and anxieties onto people who i didnt know (i dont want to burden anyone)
but i will say it sure as hell feels AMAZING to realize that im not the only one...
and thats so cliche to feel that way but when you look at your little world thats how it feels... this is helping remember to open up my eyes to the huge world of people out there with similar to much worse off problems..
its humbling to say the least
thanks!
<3

a713andrea

"I know the pain and anxiety you are in right now is hell. I've been there myself"


thanks so much,
its funny how the smallest things will stick with you.
and i feel that what you said right there nailed what ive been feeling but i could never put it into words,,,

the pain and anxiety is hell... but im willing to work with him (not for him)
and take a step back and think about me too...

i will say that when me and my bf tlk about AA or we see someone he knows from AA (which is all the time) i always call it "his secret club" i feel like now, i have one too!

cmc

Welcome to SR!
Isn't it wonderful that we don't ever have to be alone?
It's nice to meet you.

TakingCharge999

Hi andrea, when I placed the same q. a friend told me "I am glad you do not understand him, because if you did, you would be an alcoholic yourself"

This "recovery way of life" rules, I am glad you are here. Somehow in 27 years I had never thought about what I could control and what I could not, so my life was full of mysery. Now that I take actions to be good to myself and change the things I can control (as the serenity prayer says), I feel so much better, the difficult thing is lessening the focus on the alcoholic person... but once you start thinking about yourself, everything gets easier... brighter.

I am glad you are building a support system!!
Take care!!

onlyliveonce

That's what addicts/alcoholics do. They leave when they see they can't use and abuse us anymore. I've been married for 17yrs. to mine and he seems to have no problem just walking off and forgeting we exist and that's ok with me cause it's not good for us to even be around him at this point. He is homeless, jobless and is pretty much a sorry ass. Also if he's scaring you that is not a good sign at all. Once my H saw I wasn't going to play with him anymore and I started having him locked up and that crap ceased. I made a believer out of him and can do it again if necessary. I know it's hard to be strong but you can do it and you do deserve better. A relationship is supposed to be safe and comforting, not scarry or harmful.

Rainbowsend

You won't understand him till he starts to understand himself. A's don't think the same way as we do when active or in the early stages of recovery. He was an ugly drunk and he's still ugly sober, what's changed?

I hope he starts to be able to deal with his issues that make him behave this way but in the interim keep reading and posting here and pick up some Melodie Beattie books.

I don't know if they are any good but would he take an anger management class?

silkspin

Hi there and welcome. This is a great place for support and I'm glad you found it.

I worry that if you're not 'perfect' it gives him 'extra stress'. What is being perfect? Would anything be perfect? Is expressing your feelings being NOT perfect? In a relationship both people should be able to be who they are. When someone starts expecting perfection from another it sets you up for big downfall if you don't meet whatever their criteria is. And it's exhausting for you to live that way. If he is stressed because you are trying to be yourself and sharing your needs and wants, then he needs to do the internal work to solve that.

On your second point, I know what it's like to worry over being abandoned by someone you love; most here do - and we've gone to some pretty unhealthy measures to ensure it doesn't happen - to the point where we're living for someone else. And in the end, you could do all the things you think will keep them around, and they could leave you anyway. I think this is something inside you that you can look at. You are a person worthy of love and respect - if a person so close to you can so easily 'dispose' of you - then you're better off without them.

All our experiences are different, but in my case, my recovering H is not, and has never been violent, verbally or otherwise abusive, drinking or sober. Sometimes, that's the person, not the drink. You shouldn't have to live in fear of angry outbursts - again, many here have gone through that with terrible results. If you haven't gone, consider Al Anon. It has been an amazing help to me to find my way out of the black hole I found myself in.

Tryingtobefree

Andrea, it took me a long time to pinpoint what I was feeling too. I was so focused on my ABF and what I could do to help him that I really couldn't figure out what my feelings were.

As I said before, I am not a "group person" but I really am grateful for the people I met at Alanon. I only went to a handful of meetings but just knowing that I was not the only one facing this and realizing I had a choice as to whether or not to continue to live like that was an amazing revelation. It also helped me break out of that "my boyfriend is special" mindset I didn't even realize I had.

Don't get me wrong - he is incredibly special. When he's sober he is amazingly intelligent, gifted, funny and caring. He's a wonderful man.

But he wasn't "special" where the alcohol is concerned and there is very little that differentiates him from any other addicted person and the behaviors that follow.

I think what has struck me most throughout this experience is how eerily similar the stories, thoughts and feelings are of the people who have an addict in their life regardless of what the addiction in.

MissFixit

HI,

You have been given some insightful experience here. I don't have much to add other than to take care of yourself. Put more energy into you and your happiness than you do him and see how you feel. If he isn't meeting your needs, then try to meet them on your own and see how you feel.

Take Care,

Miss

gerryP

Hi there 713

As a recovered alcoholic I can tell you that the first months especially can be very tough emotionally on everyone involved and I can see that it has you turned you a little upsidedown wondering what to do, what to do, how can I help....

There really isn't a whole lot anyone can do for someone who is in early recovery except be supportive of them in staying sober. What does that actually mean? Support their wish to stay sober. It's not about trying to make everything easier so they don't have to deal with everyday life or excuse outbursts because they are IN recovery. In fact that gets old pretty darn quick.

When an alcoholic stops drinking, everything pretty much about them is the same as when they drank. Typically and I don't believe *all* alcoholics are the same, use alcohol to numb anxiety or depression, or anger or frustration ~so when the alcohol is out of the picture, those feelings are still there and are often magnified because our medicine is gone.

You sound to be very understanding of your bf's situation and wanting to help him, but be careful...One of your comments jumped out at me and that was about understanding that AA ALWAYS came first. Yikes. I heard many people say the same thing while I was in AA for a couple of years. AA is supposed to give you a life, not be your life. Recovery goes far beyond the rooms of AA.

I wish you well Andrea, take good care of you and keep posting.

a713andrea

its amazing how many people feel the same way....
things and people and languages and places are sooo different but emotions are always the same
scared is scared happy is always happy and tears dont know any boundry either..
emotions and feelings are not racist or prejudice.. they know no set boundry nor do they follow a set pattern
i find beauty in this
and beauty in this support that i have found here

a713andrea

ps thanks again so much... for being a part of MY "secret club" lol
<3
peace..love&&&happiness is all i want