It's always my fault..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
It's always my fault..
Why do I feel bad?
(Sorry for posting a book.. I think I just had to write it to get it out)
I can't believe I'm here again. It all seemed to be getting so much better. But know my brain is racing circles in my head and and can tell which way to go. I've been on this sea saw for some time and thought we were finally begining to understand each other.
How on earth can you contiune to forgive someone for the same awful behavior? The had been a couple of spouts this month but both of which I got over. But for some reason this time I'm more hurt than ever.. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe hurt isn't the word, frustrated, indifferent, unwavering..
It all started Friday night. He called and sounded upset. He assured me he wasn't mad at me, I hadn't done anything and that he's tired of people always thinking he's mad at them. He was still upset, but I said, "look, it's ok to be in a bad mood. It happens to everyone. Just please don't come home and take it out on us. If your in a foul mood, let us know what's up and and if you need some time alone that's fine." yadda yadda
He proceedes to go out and tie one on. And comes home just livid at me.. I'm sleeping with so and so, I'm telling everyone his business plans, I'm too hard on my kids, I'm selfish, F-me, I'm not romantic, I just go to sleep all the time, when I go to work I'm cheating, I leave the doors open at night to sneek out, and on and on.. All the while remember - he wasn't mad at me! And my 4 year old is scared and asking me, "Why is daddy always mad at you?"
He then wonders upstairs, passes out and of course leaves me to put the kids to bed and get up in the night with the baby. I hear him puking his guts out in the middle of the night. The next day (to be expected) we hardly talk. Same with Sunday, although we are making small talk, not a word was mentioned about the episode.
I had it all laid out in my head. I wanted to calmly say to him, " I understand your frustrations with our relationship (sex is a HUGE issue with him) but I need you to know that whether or not that portion gets fixed, I'm nearing the end of my rope taking this type of treatment. I refuse to live the rest of my life waiting for these explosions. I'm not blaming anyone for anything, I'm just simply letting you know that I WILL NOT tolerate this forever." Of course I never said it, and what good would it have done? Nothing, I'm not prepared to make any huge change and he knows it, so it would have just been waisted breath.
Last night he figured enough time has passed and trys to initiate something.. well my wounds are still fresh and I'm TOTALLY not in the mood. I said.. "You know, you could at least appologize" the second it came out of my mouth I knew exactly what was going to happen. He'll half heartedly said "I'm sorry" and think that is the go ahead. Of course he does that, also adding that he appologized on Sat. (Which is most certaily did not) but I'm not really having it. So he gets all upset.. so you don't want me to touch you? I ask him if he even remembers all of the horrible things he said to me.. pause.. I said I was sorry. I don't want to talk about it. Ok, but I'm just supposed to forget about it and open myself back up to you? I ask the same question again.. pause. I said I was sorry.
No.. it's a simple yes or no answer.. Do you remember all of the horrible things you said to me on Friday? Long pause.. No.
Of course I respect the decision to not talk at this time (Midnight) I go smoke and we both go to sleep. Now this morning he trys again, as if a few hours of sleep was going to change the way I feel.. he up and leaves without a word because he is yet again ticked about being turned down in the bedroom.
I understand that's frustrating for him.. but really.. when do I get some dignity, some say in what I do with myself? So, now I'm the problem. I'm the one perpetuation the fight.. I'm the one who won't let go. I hate feeling like the I'm creating another fight just to give myself some space and recover from the mental and emotional hell I just went through.. No, I don't want to live like this but I'm also not going to cater to his every need when I contiually have to put up with these kind of lash outs.
Where can you possibly go from here? I don't have the energy to try to leave right now. So how in the world can I make this situation bearable for 1 more year??
(Sorry for posting a book.. I think I just had to write it to get it out)
I can't believe I'm here again. It all seemed to be getting so much better. But know my brain is racing circles in my head and and can tell which way to go. I've been on this sea saw for some time and thought we were finally begining to understand each other.
How on earth can you contiune to forgive someone for the same awful behavior? The had been a couple of spouts this month but both of which I got over. But for some reason this time I'm more hurt than ever.. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe hurt isn't the word, frustrated, indifferent, unwavering..
It all started Friday night. He called and sounded upset. He assured me he wasn't mad at me, I hadn't done anything and that he's tired of people always thinking he's mad at them. He was still upset, but I said, "look, it's ok to be in a bad mood. It happens to everyone. Just please don't come home and take it out on us. If your in a foul mood, let us know what's up and and if you need some time alone that's fine." yadda yadda
He proceedes to go out and tie one on. And comes home just livid at me.. I'm sleeping with so and so, I'm telling everyone his business plans, I'm too hard on my kids, I'm selfish, F-me, I'm not romantic, I just go to sleep all the time, when I go to work I'm cheating, I leave the doors open at night to sneek out, and on and on.. All the while remember - he wasn't mad at me! And my 4 year old is scared and asking me, "Why is daddy always mad at you?"
He then wonders upstairs, passes out and of course leaves me to put the kids to bed and get up in the night with the baby. I hear him puking his guts out in the middle of the night. The next day (to be expected) we hardly talk. Same with Sunday, although we are making small talk, not a word was mentioned about the episode.
I had it all laid out in my head. I wanted to calmly say to him, " I understand your frustrations with our relationship (sex is a HUGE issue with him) but I need you to know that whether or not that portion gets fixed, I'm nearing the end of my rope taking this type of treatment. I refuse to live the rest of my life waiting for these explosions. I'm not blaming anyone for anything, I'm just simply letting you know that I WILL NOT tolerate this forever." Of course I never said it, and what good would it have done? Nothing, I'm not prepared to make any huge change and he knows it, so it would have just been waisted breath.
Last night he figured enough time has passed and trys to initiate something.. well my wounds are still fresh and I'm TOTALLY not in the mood. I said.. "You know, you could at least appologize" the second it came out of my mouth I knew exactly what was going to happen. He'll half heartedly said "I'm sorry" and think that is the go ahead. Of course he does that, also adding that he appologized on Sat. (Which is most certaily did not) but I'm not really having it. So he gets all upset.. so you don't want me to touch you? I ask him if he even remembers all of the horrible things he said to me.. pause.. I said I was sorry. I don't want to talk about it. Ok, but I'm just supposed to forget about it and open myself back up to you? I ask the same question again.. pause. I said I was sorry.
No.. it's a simple yes or no answer.. Do you remember all of the horrible things you said to me on Friday? Long pause.. No.
Of course I respect the decision to not talk at this time (Midnight) I go smoke and we both go to sleep. Now this morning he trys again, as if a few hours of sleep was going to change the way I feel.. he up and leaves without a word because he is yet again ticked about being turned down in the bedroom.
I understand that's frustrating for him.. but really.. when do I get some dignity, some say in what I do with myself? So, now I'm the problem. I'm the one perpetuation the fight.. I'm the one who won't let go. I hate feeling like the I'm creating another fight just to give myself some space and recover from the mental and emotional hell I just went through.. No, I don't want to live like this but I'm also not going to cater to his every need when I contiually have to put up with these kind of lash outs.
Where can you possibly go from here? I don't have the energy to try to leave right now. So how in the world can I make this situation bearable for 1 more year??
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
So how in the world can I make this situation bearable for 1 more year??
answer that and you can write a book.
I couldn't.
Why would you want to make an unbearable situation bearable for one more year?
I had to "make" the energy to leave
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by isitme 
And my 4 year old is scared and asking me, "Why is daddy always mad at you?"
Originally Posted by isitme
when do I get some dignity, some say in what I do with myself?
Originally Posted by isitme
So how in the world can I make this situation bearable for 1 more year??
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I believe LaTeeDa said it all so well.
And I believe in hindsight, if you stay in this relationship another year— you'll realize it was harder to bear than leaving would have been.
Life is short. Make it more than bearable. You deserve more!
And I believe in hindsight, if you stay in this relationship another year— you'll realize it was harder to bear than leaving would have been.
Life is short. Make it more than bearable. You deserve more!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I have lost many people in my life - truly, most of the people I have cared about have died, most young - and so I have the gift of knowing what each day is worth.
None of us knows what will happen tomorrow, the day after, the week after. I could walk out my back door and become lion bait tonight while taking out the trash. You could find out you have something terrible that will end your life within months. Your husband could drive drunk, hurt or kill someone, and bankrupt you both with a lawsuit or medical bills.
We are all different, but for me there is nothing -- nothing -- important enough to live in that kind of hell for "one more year". School can be restarted, careers can be stopped and started, money can be made, lost, and made again, and homes can be lost and found again.
Consider taking a long look at all of the options available to you for ceasing to accept this treatment now, today, this minute. Both you and your children deserve better.
None of us knows what will happen tomorrow, the day after, the week after. I could walk out my back door and become lion bait tonight while taking out the trash. You could find out you have something terrible that will end your life within months. Your husband could drive drunk, hurt or kill someone, and bankrupt you both with a lawsuit or medical bills.
We are all different, but for me there is nothing -- nothing -- important enough to live in that kind of hell for "one more year". School can be restarted, careers can be stopped and started, money can be made, lost, and made again, and homes can be lost and found again.
Consider taking a long look at all of the options available to you for ceasing to accept this treatment now, today, this minute. Both you and your children deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by isitme
So, now I'm the problem. I'm the one perpetuation the fight.. I'm the one who won't let go. I hate feeling like the I'm creating another fight just to give myself some space and recover from the mental and emotional hell I just went through..??
Why in the world are you creating THE problem? As an outsider looking in I see a woman starting to value herself and starting to set some boundaries for how she wants her life to be. Do you think he thinks for one second that he is the problem? I wonder if he uses your guilt button to get what he wants out of you?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
"..and thought we were finally starting to understand each other"
Oh honey, you do not understand addiction AT ALL.
Please keep reaching out, seeking help, for you are so very lost right now. His disease has completely infected you.
People here understand that.
Don't isolate. Keep posting and working it out here.
Your child needs you to get well.
Oh honey, you do not understand addiction AT ALL.
Please keep reaching out, seeking help, for you are so very lost right now. His disease has completely infected you.
People here understand that.
Don't isolate. Keep posting and working it out here.
Your child needs you to get well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
If your brain is racing in circles, imagine how your 4 year old feels.
Kids don't have the coping mechanisms that adults do.
For a second, try really hard to get out of yourself and your confusion, and imagine how your son feels.
Kids bear the brunt of dysfunctional relationships. They soak up all the toxic crap being tossed back and forth like little sponges.
I've got a 31 year old daughter who's an active addict/alcoholic. She lived with that kind of insanity the first 8 years of her life.
Her first coping mechanism was binge eating. Later on came the drugs and alcohol.
What kind of life do you want for your kids?
Can you put yourself aside long enough to think about that?
:ghug :ghug
Kids don't have the coping mechanisms that adults do.
For a second, try really hard to get out of yourself and your confusion, and imagine how your son feels.
Kids bear the brunt of dysfunctional relationships. They soak up all the toxic crap being tossed back and forth like little sponges.
I've got a 31 year old daughter who's an active addict/alcoholic. She lived with that kind of insanity the first 8 years of her life.
Her first coping mechanism was binge eating. Later on came the drugs and alcohol.
What kind of life do you want for your kids?
Can you put yourself aside long enough to think about that?
:ghug :ghug
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
"And my 4 year old is scared and asking me, "Why is daddy always mad at you?" "
This made me very angry. I tried not to, but it just made me angry. This is a 4 year old child, for God's sake.
isitme, I had a similar situation yesterday, and honestly, if I go to bed with someone I just NEED to feel safe, and know that we can hug, rest, talk, or just sleep without it having to be about sex. I need to know this from my partner, it is essential, my dignity, trust and peace are at stake there.
After addressing this, if the person cares more about his lust than my feelings, I am much much better off sleeping with my teddy bear, thank you.
There is no reason you need to endure this another year or another week or another minute, you always have the door open, you are a free soul, no one has you caged... but you. What will it take? verbal abuse is already there. Physical abuse? verbal abuse to the child? physical abuse to the child? when are you planning to draw the line isitme? this is an honest question.
"I don't have the energy to try to leave right now."
isitme, this toxic guy and the whole situations take your energy away and will keep taking it away. Unless there is a stop, you can expect the same level of energy until the end of your days. Or even less.
Its amazing how energetic and vital you feel, without someone constantly dragging you down. You and your kids deserve much more, please read blessed4x posts, and tell me why you cannot have the same joy in your life?
Thank you for trusting us!
This made me very angry. I tried not to, but it just made me angry. This is a 4 year old child, for God's sake.
isitme, I had a similar situation yesterday, and honestly, if I go to bed with someone I just NEED to feel safe, and know that we can hug, rest, talk, or just sleep without it having to be about sex. I need to know this from my partner, it is essential, my dignity, trust and peace are at stake there.
After addressing this, if the person cares more about his lust than my feelings, I am much much better off sleeping with my teddy bear, thank you.
There is no reason you need to endure this another year or another week or another minute, you always have the door open, you are a free soul, no one has you caged... but you. What will it take? verbal abuse is already there. Physical abuse? verbal abuse to the child? physical abuse to the child? when are you planning to draw the line isitme? this is an honest question.
"I don't have the energy to try to leave right now."
isitme, this toxic guy and the whole situations take your energy away and will keep taking it away. Unless there is a stop, you can expect the same level of energy until the end of your days. Or even less.
Its amazing how energetic and vital you feel, without someone constantly dragging you down. You and your kids deserve much more, please read blessed4x posts, and tell me why you cannot have the same joy in your life?
Thank you for trusting us!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Thank you everyone.. You are all right. And the sad part is I've know this for sometime. Those calm periods send you into false re-assurance that "Everything is going to be alright."
I've always been a worrier.. Is it going to be harder on the kids if I/we leave, Do I stay here or relocate to be near my own family, how hard would that be fighting him all the way across state lines (to be able to take my kids).
I do think about the mental effects and emotional stability of my kids. I myself am ACOA and I don't want them to learn that what I put up with is ok. I just don't seem to have the strenght anymore to jolt my life in that way. Or maybe I just so desperately want it to work that I can't see the forest from the trees.
I'm going to take all of this in.. Thanks so much
I've always been a worrier.. Is it going to be harder on the kids if I/we leave, Do I stay here or relocate to be near my own family, how hard would that be fighting him all the way across state lines (to be able to take my kids).
I do think about the mental effects and emotional stability of my kids. I myself am ACOA and I don't want them to learn that what I put up with is ok. I just don't seem to have the strenght anymore to jolt my life in that way. Or maybe I just so desperately want it to work that I can't see the forest from the trees.
I'm going to take all of this in.. Thanks so much
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by isitme
I just don't seem to have the strenght anymore to jolt my life in that way.
I fought like hell to end that cycle with my youngest daughter.
Was it easy? No. Was it worth it? You bet.
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by isitme
I myself am ACOA and I don't want them to learn that what I put up with is ok.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
I heard something a long time ago that has always stuck with me when I hear people wondering how a separation/divorce will affect their children....It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one. I truly believe that. Your kids will adjust because they will not have to live in the nightmare that they are witnessing now. All you have to do is find the courage and the strength to do what you, deep down, already know must be done. My thoughts and good wishes are with you. ((((HUGS))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
isitme, it sounds like you are growing tired of the fighting, the drunken episodes, and the non-stop blaming.
I think it is very hard to see the forest through the trees. We wonder, could this person really be this bad? He will wake up one day "get it", right?
Only time will tell. In the meantime, it's all about you creating the kind of space you and your child needs.
Emotional manipulation is very very powerful.
I will share my story:
Over two years ago my AH got wasted while watching our nine month old twins. I came home and thought, no, this is not happening. He apologized, said he'd cut waaay back on drinking, and said he understood my frustration.
Fast forward one year: another drunk episode. I drew the line and said "we're done", and I attempted to get a separation.
Again, he apologized and this time said he would quit drinking forever. I didn't have money to move, so we continued to live in the same house.
Fast forward one more year: AH is now a dry drunk. Doesn't drink but still blames me for everything.
We are now separating.
I wish I had separated over two years ago. He gave a lot of lip service but never did the kind of work necessary to overcome his addictive behavior/thinking. Instead, I entered recovery and now realize that I don't have to live with this constant blame. I am not his emotional caretaker.
He doesn't want to take responsibility, that's fine. But I'm going to proceed to live a life of peace and serenity and joy with my precious children.
I wish you much clarity and strength.
Keep checking in here. Over time, it will all start to make perfect sense.
I think it is very hard to see the forest through the trees. We wonder, could this person really be this bad? He will wake up one day "get it", right?
Only time will tell. In the meantime, it's all about you creating the kind of space you and your child needs.
Emotional manipulation is very very powerful.
I will share my story:
Over two years ago my AH got wasted while watching our nine month old twins. I came home and thought, no, this is not happening. He apologized, said he'd cut waaay back on drinking, and said he understood my frustration.
Fast forward one year: another drunk episode. I drew the line and said "we're done", and I attempted to get a separation.
Again, he apologized and this time said he would quit drinking forever. I didn't have money to move, so we continued to live in the same house.
Fast forward one more year: AH is now a dry drunk. Doesn't drink but still blames me for everything.
We are now separating.
I wish I had separated over two years ago. He gave a lot of lip service but never did the kind of work necessary to overcome his addictive behavior/thinking. Instead, I entered recovery and now realize that I don't have to live with this constant blame. I am not his emotional caretaker.
He doesn't want to take responsibility, that's fine. But I'm going to proceed to live a life of peace and serenity and joy with my precious children.
I wish you much clarity and strength.
Keep checking in here. Over time, it will all start to make perfect sense.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Call it what it is....abuse. Your AH is emotionally abusing you and your children. He is sexually abusing you if he has forced you to have sexual relations of any kind that you did not agree to.
It was not until my counselor gave it a name, "abuse", that I was able to see it for what it was and find a way to end it. When my family started questioning my motives and buying STBXAH's manipulation I asked them how they would respond if I came to them with bruises and broken bones. They said of course they would understand and never want me to go back. I let them know that all of my bruises were on the inside and no less painful than if they could see them.
You can do absolutely anything and don't let that doubting voice in your head tell you otherwise. I am living proof of that. I always thought that divorcing would be the hardest thing I could ever go through. Now that I'm just a couple weeks from being on "the other side" I can see that living with my A was so much harder than leaving him.
It was not until my counselor gave it a name, "abuse", that I was able to see it for what it was and find a way to end it. When my family started questioning my motives and buying STBXAH's manipulation I asked them how they would respond if I came to them with bruises and broken bones. They said of course they would understand and never want me to go back. I let them know that all of my bruises were on the inside and no less painful than if they could see them.
You can do absolutely anything and don't let that doubting voice in your head tell you otherwise. I am living proof of that. I always thought that divorcing would be the hardest thing I could ever go through. Now that I'm just a couple weeks from being on "the other side" I can see that living with my A was so much harder than leaving him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Down Under
Posts: 25
Hi Isitme, You sound like I did a year ago. I knew the marriage was over but I needed to wait a bit, find my strength, do my legal research, build up my journal of drunken events before I could leave.
Guess what happened in this last year? He became violent for the first (and, so far, only) time, but not against me, against our 9 year old. He completely wrecked my car, he walked away from the wreckage untouched still clutching an undamaged bottle of wine!. Of course, many, many evenings of ranting and raving and spoiled birthday parties and special occasions. One year ago, even my nightmares contain some of this sort of stuff.
Boy, do I wish I didn't wait a year. I left him last week, so now I can type STBXAH instead of AH - yeah! No more sex under duress, no more drunken rants, accusations of affairs, draining my bank account.
Yes, separation is tough, no in fact it's hell at the moment. But is it any worse than living with an alcoholic? No, at least this will pass and I have light at the end of tunnel.
So, the only advice I can give to you is - don't wait a year.
Lorrae
Guess what happened in this last year? He became violent for the first (and, so far, only) time, but not against me, against our 9 year old. He completely wrecked my car, he walked away from the wreckage untouched still clutching an undamaged bottle of wine!. Of course, many, many evenings of ranting and raving and spoiled birthday parties and special occasions. One year ago, even my nightmares contain some of this sort of stuff.
Boy, do I wish I didn't wait a year. I left him last week, so now I can type STBXAH instead of AH - yeah! No more sex under duress, no more drunken rants, accusations of affairs, draining my bank account.
Yes, separation is tough, no in fact it's hell at the moment. But is it any worse than living with an alcoholic? No, at least this will pass and I have light at the end of tunnel.
So, the only advice I can give to you is - don't wait a year.
Lorrae
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
isitme-
i empathise with your very valid need to talk it out with your man. he just wants you to forget it. he can't even remember it. so, you're suppose to forget it and make love?
my xABF was exactly the same. he cheated on me and then accused me of cheating. at that time, i made a decision that i was going to try to move on with him, to forgive him. i tried to talk it thru with him but he didn't want to. so i had all these bottled up feelings which i just had to deal with alone.
with mine, he was always accusing me of cheating, which i never did. as time went on, he tried more and more to control me: i was to dress conservatively, i was not permitted to have male friends, he didn't want me to go to a pub by myself, etc. etc.
we also experienced the sex issue you are describing. he treated me so poorly, i didn't want to be close with him. as we couldn't talk thru our problems because he always wanted to sweep it under the carpet, i felt a wall between us. for me, sex requires intimacy.
when he took a lover, he blamed me for it.
good luck to you. i hope you don't wait around for another year. mine ultimately became physically violent to me. he never apologized sincerely either about that. just told me to forget it, it was in the past.
naive
i empathise with your very valid need to talk it out with your man. he just wants you to forget it. he can't even remember it. so, you're suppose to forget it and make love?
my xABF was exactly the same. he cheated on me and then accused me of cheating. at that time, i made a decision that i was going to try to move on with him, to forgive him. i tried to talk it thru with him but he didn't want to. so i had all these bottled up feelings which i just had to deal with alone.
with mine, he was always accusing me of cheating, which i never did. as time went on, he tried more and more to control me: i was to dress conservatively, i was not permitted to have male friends, he didn't want me to go to a pub by myself, etc. etc.
we also experienced the sex issue you are describing. he treated me so poorly, i didn't want to be close with him. as we couldn't talk thru our problems because he always wanted to sweep it under the carpet, i felt a wall between us. for me, sex requires intimacy.
when he took a lover, he blamed me for it.
good luck to you. i hope you don't wait around for another year. mine ultimately became physically violent to me. he never apologized sincerely either about that. just told me to forget it, it was in the past.
naive
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 5
I really feel your pain. I am in a situation with my adult son and can compare what you are going thru. I just pray and pray and ask people to pray for us. I try giving it to the Lord but it seems like he just gives it back to me. (not really) I will pray for your strength and to find a calm. Please do for me too.
Thanks
Thanks
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
