I DID IT! WE DID IT! My ABF moved out!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
I DID IT! WE DID IT! My ABF moved out!!!
Hi Everyone!!
I did it. With your help, I did it! My XABF moved out. I'm officially putting an X in front of ABF. I've earned my X!
His new roommate picked up his stuff yesterday, then he went to work. He came back here to spend the night since he had to be at work early today. I figured he'd have a hard time getting to his new place of residence late, unpacking and then getting ready for the next day; why not give him a break. He can take more stuff with him to work. And that's just what happened.
Ok, last night I did cry a lot before he came home. I was also listening to sad love songs, including "our song". He came home, got ready for bed, and felt my face and felt the tears. He suggested that we watch a movie. OK. We watched a funny one until we got sleepy and returned to bed. We woke up and held each other for a while, we got up, he packed as much as he could, got ready for work and left.
No ceremonial good bye.
He's coming by tomorrow to pick up the last of his stuff.
After he left I cried a bit, and then got into the bathroom and cleaned like crazy. I threw away all my sheets and my comforter (ok, it was my other ex's comforter), the pillows, the bath rugs, bath mat, soap dish, toothbrush holder, trash can. How liberating it was to do that! I am going to sleep in new sheets, with a new blanket, and a new relationship status.
I hope I can sleep tonight...
Anyway, I had a massage this afternoon and the gal told me about a book by Byron Katie called "Loving What Is". She asked me the four questions the book teaches you to ask yourself, and I answered them. It was kind of hard without examples, but we got through it and I realized something but without taking notes, I don't remember what it was. LOL. Something about forgiving myself and this was the only thing I could have done - there's no "I should have done it a different way". Without that statement, what do I have? A feeling of being ok about how I spent the last 2 years of my life. Something like that. I'll read it and share.
[BTW, I am reading a book by MaryJanice Davidson called Undead and Unemployed. It's the sequel to Undead and Unwed. If you like vampire novels that aren't violent and don't get too into the vampire stuff, Undead and Unwed is a good book. It is SOOOOO funny. She doesn't want to be a vampire, and she's the queen to make matters worse, so she's so annoyed with how corny the vampire world and it's rules are; she's really a pill. I am going to read the sequel (I think there are 7 or 8 so far in the series) tonight. It actually helped me get through Packing Day on Thursday and Moving Day yesterday. And today: Physically Gone Day.]
Tomorrow will be Really Gone, Has No to Reason to Call Day. We'll see how I react after he picks up the last of his stuff. There won't be a job to rush to, so he could be arrogant and pull the blame game on me. I'm prepared.
I'm looking out for feeling lost because there is no more nightly drama (thanks, Prodigal). My calls and email messages and conversations will no longer be full of what the ABF did the night before. I'll be careful with 'feeling bad because I think I'm supposed to feel bad', rather than feeling what I feel - and if it's less because the pain has been diffused because I detatched myself from him a little at a time (Thanks, GiveLove), then so be it.
What's next? My bedroom. It'll be my sanctuary. My new computer that'll arrive in a week or two. And me first. I'll always come first.
Thank you all so very much for contributing to helping me grow and understand, and become, and accept and let go. What a roller coaster ride! I am so thankful I found this site and you guys were on it.
I will be back to let you know how I feel and how I grow. I will need support. I know I will. I miss him terribly (but this morning I asked myself "Whom do you miss? Who is "he"? ...Um, he's...like a con artist, a manipulator; the guy who wouldn't pay his share of the expenses. I guess unbrainwashing myself will take some time.) or at least the thought of who he was, or what I wanted him to be. That's it. I miss the guy I wanted him to be. The actual physical ABF was a pain and frankly, it'll be good to not have to wonder what condition he'll be in, if he'll be passed out on the air mattress, or if he'll come home smelling like perfume (I stopped smelling his shirts, Barbara52 after I read your comment - thanks for that!!), or if his knapsack has alcohol in it or what.
The illusion is what I'm mourning. And his beautiful brown eyes. Darn it!
FINITO.
:day1
Thank you very much for empowering me.
God bless you all.
READY!
I did it. With your help, I did it! My XABF moved out. I'm officially putting an X in front of ABF. I've earned my X!
His new roommate picked up his stuff yesterday, then he went to work. He came back here to spend the night since he had to be at work early today. I figured he'd have a hard time getting to his new place of residence late, unpacking and then getting ready for the next day; why not give him a break. He can take more stuff with him to work. And that's just what happened.
Ok, last night I did cry a lot before he came home. I was also listening to sad love songs, including "our song". He came home, got ready for bed, and felt my face and felt the tears. He suggested that we watch a movie. OK. We watched a funny one until we got sleepy and returned to bed. We woke up and held each other for a while, we got up, he packed as much as he could, got ready for work and left.
No ceremonial good bye.
He's coming by tomorrow to pick up the last of his stuff.
After he left I cried a bit, and then got into the bathroom and cleaned like crazy. I threw away all my sheets and my comforter (ok, it was my other ex's comforter), the pillows, the bath rugs, bath mat, soap dish, toothbrush holder, trash can. How liberating it was to do that! I am going to sleep in new sheets, with a new blanket, and a new relationship status.
I hope I can sleep tonight...
Anyway, I had a massage this afternoon and the gal told me about a book by Byron Katie called "Loving What Is". She asked me the four questions the book teaches you to ask yourself, and I answered them. It was kind of hard without examples, but we got through it and I realized something but without taking notes, I don't remember what it was. LOL. Something about forgiving myself and this was the only thing I could have done - there's no "I should have done it a different way". Without that statement, what do I have? A feeling of being ok about how I spent the last 2 years of my life. Something like that. I'll read it and share.
[BTW, I am reading a book by MaryJanice Davidson called Undead and Unemployed. It's the sequel to Undead and Unwed. If you like vampire novels that aren't violent and don't get too into the vampire stuff, Undead and Unwed is a good book. It is SOOOOO funny. She doesn't want to be a vampire, and she's the queen to make matters worse, so she's so annoyed with how corny the vampire world and it's rules are; she's really a pill. I am going to read the sequel (I think there are 7 or 8 so far in the series) tonight. It actually helped me get through Packing Day on Thursday and Moving Day yesterday. And today: Physically Gone Day.]
Tomorrow will be Really Gone, Has No to Reason to Call Day. We'll see how I react after he picks up the last of his stuff. There won't be a job to rush to, so he could be arrogant and pull the blame game on me. I'm prepared.
I'm looking out for feeling lost because there is no more nightly drama (thanks, Prodigal). My calls and email messages and conversations will no longer be full of what the ABF did the night before. I'll be careful with 'feeling bad because I think I'm supposed to feel bad', rather than feeling what I feel - and if it's less because the pain has been diffused because I detatched myself from him a little at a time (Thanks, GiveLove), then so be it.
What's next? My bedroom. It'll be my sanctuary. My new computer that'll arrive in a week or two. And me first. I'll always come first.
Thank you all so very much for contributing to helping me grow and understand, and become, and accept and let go. What a roller coaster ride! I am so thankful I found this site and you guys were on it.
I will be back to let you know how I feel and how I grow. I will need support. I know I will. I miss him terribly (but this morning I asked myself "Whom do you miss? Who is "he"? ...Um, he's...like a con artist, a manipulator; the guy who wouldn't pay his share of the expenses. I guess unbrainwashing myself will take some time.) or at least the thought of who he was, or what I wanted him to be. That's it. I miss the guy I wanted him to be. The actual physical ABF was a pain and frankly, it'll be good to not have to wonder what condition he'll be in, if he'll be passed out on the air mattress, or if he'll come home smelling like perfume (I stopped smelling his shirts, Barbara52 after I read your comment - thanks for that!!), or if his knapsack has alcohol in it or what.
The illusion is what I'm mourning. And his beautiful brown eyes. Darn it!
FINITO.
:day1
Thank you very much for empowering me.
God bless you all.
READY!
Last edited by ReadyToHelp; 06-01-2009 at 04:48 PM. Reason: correction
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You did great, Ready. Yes, there WILL be ups and downs. Been there, done that, lived through it. We'll be here to support you. Post as often as you feel the need.
It might seem scarey at times, but you are on the road to a new life and new adventures.
The first four months after I left exAH, I was a mess. Not totally destroyed, but kinda lost and confused. I just lived with those feelings and gave myself time to settle down.
Then I got a great little apartment, and my cat and I had a place of our own. The peaceful evenings where I could choose what to eat or not eat at all, have complete power over the remote control, and no longer have to witness any drama .... PRICELESS.
It might seem scarey at times, but you are on the road to a new life and new adventures.
The first four months after I left exAH, I was a mess. Not totally destroyed, but kinda lost and confused. I just lived with those feelings and gave myself time to settle down.
Then I got a great little apartment, and my cat and I had a place of our own. The peaceful evenings where I could choose what to eat or not eat at all, have complete power over the remote control, and no longer have to witness any drama .... PRICELESS.
It will feel better and soon XXXX
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
Ready - you've just given yourself the best gift you possibly could. I'm just a little further along than you on this journey (I left my ABF a month ago) and I can't tell you how much better I feel now. There just aren't any words.
The night before I moved I spent in a ball on the floor crying while trying to pack. I thought I could not make it through the next 24 hours. The only thing that kept me together was that my brother and nephew had come in earlier that night (I'm from a different state than ABF and moved to his state to be with him) and my parents were coming in the morning. It was the only thing that got me through that night.
There has been an immediate sense of relief though. I no longer have to wonder what condition he will be in when I get home, I don't have to worry about how the week is going to go or what is going to happen. I can focus on taking care of myself and the relief has been overwhelming.
We are still in contact and I have made it clear that I will not engage in any conversation that is unpleasant or unhealthy.
I too wonder who I miss - the real person or my boyfriend. Once in awhile I would get a glimpse of the man I believe he really is but it never lasted very long. I spent a long time in that relationship because of those glimpses.
One of my best friends recently lost her husband after a horrendous two year fight against a very aggressive brain cancer. They were truly soulmates and have a young daughter. She gave me the best advice I've heard - when you feel it (tears, anger, etc) let it come. She said not to fight it but to feel it so you can move past it.
Just keep focusing on yourself and taking care of yourself.
The night before I moved I spent in a ball on the floor crying while trying to pack. I thought I could not make it through the next 24 hours. The only thing that kept me together was that my brother and nephew had come in earlier that night (I'm from a different state than ABF and moved to his state to be with him) and my parents were coming in the morning. It was the only thing that got me through that night.
There has been an immediate sense of relief though. I no longer have to wonder what condition he will be in when I get home, I don't have to worry about how the week is going to go or what is going to happen. I can focus on taking care of myself and the relief has been overwhelming.
We are still in contact and I have made it clear that I will not engage in any conversation that is unpleasant or unhealthy.
I too wonder who I miss - the real person or my boyfriend. Once in awhile I would get a glimpse of the man I believe he really is but it never lasted very long. I spent a long time in that relationship because of those glimpses.
One of my best friends recently lost her husband after a horrendous two year fight against a very aggressive brain cancer. They were truly soulmates and have a young daughter. She gave me the best advice I've heard - when you feel it (tears, anger, etc) let it come. She said not to fight it but to feel it so you can move past it.
Just keep focusing on yourself and taking care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Yaaaay! 
The coming days (maybe weeks) will be hard... you will probably have days when you miss him (I know crazy huh.. but even though you know in your head they were terrible it is amazing how the heart sometimes just will not listen to that.. lol) BUT also with these coming weeks will be opportunity to focus and you and get some of that serenity we al-anons keep talking about.
:ghug
The coming days (maybe weeks) will be hard... you will probably have days when you miss him (I know crazy huh.. but even though you know in your head they were terrible it is amazing how the heart sometimes just will not listen to that.. lol) BUT also with these coming weeks will be opportunity to focus and you and get some of that serenity we al-anons keep talking about.
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I miss my X a lot but like you, I think I miss what I wanted him to be instead of what really was (only my most damaged parts could miss the reality of all that pain! but they do, sometimes, I guess I was attached to the emotional drama).
Clearing the way for peace, clearing the way for love that enhances instead of detracts, clearing the way for truly loving myself.
I'm redoing my living room so that it is a beautiful, peaceful place to be present with my children. It is so wonderful to feel creative and proactive after feeling so stuck and helpless for so long (long before XABF entered the picture).
I love your posts. You have been so helpful to me, you have so much to share.
:ghug:
This forum is amazing, truly amazing.
Clearing the way for peace, clearing the way for love that enhances instead of detracts, clearing the way for truly loving myself.
I'm redoing my living room so that it is a beautiful, peaceful place to be present with my children. It is so wonderful to feel creative and proactive after feeling so stuck and helpless for so long (long before XABF entered the picture).
I love your posts. You have been so helpful to me, you have so much to share.
:ghug:
This forum is amazing, truly amazing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
I met a woman a few weeks back through work, and she had talked about her many years with her husband. I don't know the background but he wasn't such a nice guy, and she said that now she has freedom to do what she chooses. If she wants, she can eat dessert before dinner! That made me laugh! So enjoy your new-found freedom and eat dessert before dinner - if YOU want to!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Thank you!
Thank you, everyone! It's great to hear affirmation and praise and support and shared happiness. I am thankful for your support and kind words and HUGS. Keep the hugs coming. :ghug2
It's been weird - I keep reminding myself that I miss the illusion, not the guy. The illusion can never ever come true if he's not here, in my "care", under my "protection". But, the illusion had a slim to none chance of becoming reality in the first place!
I slept poorly last night, but I didn't think of him consciously. It might have been my new pillow. Darn it!
Last night fell through, he's coming to pick up his stuff tomorrow. I think I would have been better off seeing him yesterday. Today, I ache a little.
He invited me to dinner with a friend who is coming from out of town. This guy was supposed to come visit during the entire 2 years we were together. I was going to make up an excuse, but decided to be honest and strong. I said, NO, it was too early for me. What, I'm going to sit there and eat as if nothing's happened?? And eat at the restaurant he works at?? Right. Remember, his friends know only his side. That means foreign objects may find their way into my food! Undetectable foreign objects.
That solidified my NO. LOL.
I had a little crying spell earlier today; I miss the man I created in my head, not him. (So, if the the man didn't exist, then how do I miss him?? Maybe it's the illusion and its possibility that I miss; ok, maybe the drama, too - the "adventure" of wondering what I'd find when I got home...no, I doubt it - it didn't become my norm, but telling the story to my friends did; I am careful to not speak of him much, if at all now.) And he had a chance to step up to the plate, but would not. He chose alcohol over me. Poor guy. And what if he winds up with wet brain or a bad liver? Do I rush to his deathbed to be at his side? Do I not even visit? Do I not take the calls or return voice mail? Ok, this is Woe Is Me Talk. We'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it, right? Besides, what message would I be sending?? That's got to be my question before any action.
Ok, I'm feeling better now. I can go on with my day. This grieving process is such a pain! Thank you everyone for helping me through this. Thank you for helping me grow and realize that I needed to do this. It was going to get worse for me. And all my love, concern, care, and protection would not help him one bit.
Thank you for reading, listening and, most of all, responding.
READY!
It's been weird - I keep reminding myself that I miss the illusion, not the guy. The illusion can never ever come true if he's not here, in my "care", under my "protection". But, the illusion had a slim to none chance of becoming reality in the first place!
I slept poorly last night, but I didn't think of him consciously. It might have been my new pillow. Darn it!
Last night fell through, he's coming to pick up his stuff tomorrow. I think I would have been better off seeing him yesterday. Today, I ache a little.
He invited me to dinner with a friend who is coming from out of town. This guy was supposed to come visit during the entire 2 years we were together. I was going to make up an excuse, but decided to be honest and strong. I said, NO, it was too early for me. What, I'm going to sit there and eat as if nothing's happened?? And eat at the restaurant he works at?? Right. Remember, his friends know only his side. That means foreign objects may find their way into my food! Undetectable foreign objects.
That solidified my NO. LOL. I had a little crying spell earlier today; I miss the man I created in my head, not him. (So, if the the man didn't exist, then how do I miss him?? Maybe it's the illusion and its possibility that I miss; ok, maybe the drama, too - the "adventure" of wondering what I'd find when I got home...no, I doubt it - it didn't become my norm, but telling the story to my friends did; I am careful to not speak of him much, if at all now.) And he had a chance to step up to the plate, but would not. He chose alcohol over me. Poor guy. And what if he winds up with wet brain or a bad liver? Do I rush to his deathbed to be at his side? Do I not even visit? Do I not take the calls or return voice mail? Ok, this is Woe Is Me Talk. We'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it, right? Besides, what message would I be sending?? That's got to be my question before any action.
Ok, I'm feeling better now. I can go on with my day. This grieving process is such a pain! Thank you everyone for helping me through this. Thank you for helping me grow and realize that I needed to do this. It was going to get worse for me. And all my love, concern, care, and protection would not help him one bit.
Thank you for reading, listening and, most of all, responding.
READY!
Last edited by ReadyToHelp; 06-03-2009 at 09:08 AM. Reason: correction
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