Freedom1990

My 20 year old daughter still lives at home with me. She will turn 21 this month. She is a good kid, holds down two jobs during the school year (she's a nanny for a school teacher-finished that job up last Friday), makes her car and insurance payments, and has her own horse she trained from scratch and cares for.

We've been through hell and back together, especially when she ran away at age 15, and ended up a ward of the state, eventually being placed in foster care for a year.

I never thought we'd see the end of the tunnel through that one, but we did, and today we have a good relationship.

I stay out of her stuff. She dabbles with alcohol on occasion, and has difficulty in relationships. Her man-picker is broken, but she's not ready to acknowledge that yet.

Saturday she said she needed to talk to me, and told me she had gotten an MIP (minor in possession) on Friday night when she had gone to a lake with a friend for someone's birthday party. She goes to court in a neighboring county later this month.

Not so long ago that would have sent me in a tailspin. I would have 'awfulized', cried, let that horrible fear settle over me that she's going to be an alcoholic for sure, desperately trying to figure out how I could save her from herself!

I don't do that anymore because I have continued to work a program of recovery for me, and that includes trusting that God has a plan for her too.

I thanked her for being honest with me, and told her with a smile I was glad she had the money to blow on court costs and fines, and that was the end of that!

I didn't give it a second thought.

We've talked. She knows the odds are stacked against her if she continues to dabble with alcohol. Both her father and I are recovering alcoholics.

She knows it's her problem to figure out how to manage finances now that she will have the added expense of court. No one else will be picking up the tab for court, or car payments, or insurance.

She also knows she can talk to me, and that's worth its weight in gold.

catlovermi

Thanks, for a very illustrative post! Truly there is a power to recovery, in our lives, that has profound implications how things will sort out.

CLMI

isurvived

How refreshing! You are well on your way.

I thought I was doing OK. Somedays I wonder.

Both my sons know the dangers. My older son has had many of the same problems, and is now dealing with the consequences. It is a worry for me, and I really can get stirred up about the mistakes they make.

I try to stay out of their business, but it is SO HARD to not say "don't be like your dad"! It is so incredibly hard not to meddle. I also find that it is hard for me to get my mind around the mistakes they've made — even though they've had first hand experience in seeing where it took their father. We only learn from our own mistakes - I guess that is very true.

I think I such protective feelings for my sons - more than people from a healthy family - because of our past life with an active A. The ONLY good things that have come from the marriage are my two boys, and I want them both to be happy and have a fruitful and meaningful life.

It's what all parents want. Those of us that have battled with the devastation of alcoholism in our families— more than others. We've seen the "dark side" and know all too well what lies there.

Seren

Fantastic!! Thank you for sharing!
Hugs, HG

spiritedgrl123

What a great post! Thanks so much for the share.

Impurrfect

(((DeVon)))

How awesome that you can step back and let Amber learn about consequences the hard way...fantastic recovery on your part!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

TakingCharge999

Wow, a young lady that can actually TALK to her mother? That seems like a scene from a different planet altogether.

One in a million, congratulations, I agree that is worth its weight in gold!!

Freedom1990

My most difficult hurdle to overcome was not letting the fear envelope me, knowing what I do about alcoholism, knowing what I went through with my own alcoholism, and not wanting her to go the same route. It was an automatic reaction that would hit me like a locomotive for so long, and I'd run with it.

I've discovered some amazing things in this journey over the years, one of them being that my idea of 'happy' and a meaningful life for my kids didn't necessarily fit their version, you know?

I never got to see either daughter graduate from high school. It was even more difficult with my youngest because I had hoped she would be the one.

I was in complete crazymaking behavior/thinking her senior year. I kept trying to shove a round peg in a square hole because I wasn't ready to give up that dream yet of seeing her sit with her class to get her diploma.

The end result was utter exhaustion and frustration on my part, and she dug her feet in that much harder in not completing her credits.

Some day she'll get tired of delivering pizzas.

Then maybe education will become more important to her. I don't know.

What I do know is I can't force my version of happiness/success on her.

I'll just keep working on my own stuff, and leave her to her stuff!

GiveLove

P.S. DeVon, your avatar photo is priceless. I remember that....

ReadyToHelp

Hi Freedom,

IMHO, you are helping your daughter more by not "supervising" her through life. Had you lost your temper, gave her a lecture, told her to do as you say but not as you've done, she wouldn't have listened. But by thanking her for the truth (rewarding good behavior) and not overreacting to the bad news (giving her a reason to think you're penalizing good behavior, the behavior being her telling the truth - I figured this out with my XABF and his telling me the truth about stuff that upset me, only a few months ago), you are conditioning her to be willing to tell the truth to you in the future. She won't have to worry about being criticized, judged or feeling any negative vibes from you; so she'll tell the truth. The consequences come on their own. (Besides, she may start trusting your judgement, and watching your behavior. We lead by example.)

After all, if you protect her from the consequences, then she won't learn from them. There won't be a lesson to learn. I can't help but wonder if my XABF's family had not interfered when he left his ex wife, would he have hit rock bottom and realized love does not equate someone taking care of you, so grow up and be self-sufficient? If the emotinal blackmail hadn't worked, would he have forced himself to get it together? Maybe, maybe not. There are A's in the streets here, homeless.

Anyway, I wanted to commend you on such a great decision and reaction to your daughter's mistake. She'll be in court and I'm sure it won't be comfortable for her. Taking responsibility for a mistake is scary, and if she sees a few cases before hers, and how they could get ugly, she may realize she's starting to play in the major leagues.

Good luck!!
:praying

Freedom1990

I was wondering if someone would notice that. That was one of my all-time favorite skits on the Carol Burnett Show (Went With The Wind).

Ago

Nice curtains

nowwhat

My teenage son is doing things that make me sad, but I'm focused on preserving our relationship by accepting who he is and loving him, no matter what choices he makes for his life.

He talks to me, too, and tells me he loves me and that I'm a great mom.

What could be more important?

Freedom1990

I'm glad your son is able to talk to you too! I think that's so important to let them know we love them, even though we may not like what they are doing. Keep those lines of communication open with him.

:ghug :ghug

shrutidev

The most important thing the teenager want is full confidence, moral support, love and somebody to understand to their mistake. I think family can give all these things to them.

Good post!