Stuck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
Stuck
I haven't posted in quite awhile but have been lurking some. I've been going through a depression and have been napping quite a bit. However, doc increased my Prozac by double and I think it's helping. Some bandaid huh? Recently AH and I are hardly speaking, I'm trying to grow and he's still stuck at being 21. My mom, who is 78, lives in an apartment attached to our garage. All together we have 11 cats and 2 dogs. I have a full time job at a bank and life should be wonderful, except my husband is an alcoholic. He doesn't drive so I have to take him to work every day. He won't go anywhere with me, will not discuss anything, etc. He just stays in his own alcohol world and I stay in my alcohol free world. I have started doing things by myself...went skiing for the first time in March with my sister, went to see a concert a couple weeks ago with a friend from work, and so on. I go to church and AH doesn't. Big surprise in that. I'm trying to improve myself and my life. He doesn't seem to want to or care about anything. Now here's the reason for my title "Stuck". I'm stuck. Our house is in both names, I want to separate but have no place to go. My mother is on oxygen and gets upset very easily. I can't just up and leave her and all the animals. AH has a good job and hands me his check every Thursday. I have total control over the money (he doesn't want the responsibility) but I couldn't afford to live here by myself. I've already considered a second job and know I would have to do that. We only have 4 1/2 years left on a 15 year mortgage. I feel so trapped. I'm 49 and want so much more out of life. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I'm not much for advice on the subject because I'm pretty darn stuck myself.
I don't have much choice but to be on a slow boat out. I've got horses, dogs, and cats that I will not leave behind not to mention 95% of everything we have is mine from before we got together.
I'm earning as much as I can, saving every penny I can, and keeping my eyes open for a living arrangment/rental/work for housing situation that will work for me and my fuzzy ones. Until then, I'm doing what you are and keeping myself active in my own recovery. Little changes, step by step, one day at a time.
I know that it is highly possible he will make the current situation worse with agression or physical violence. To that end, I limit contact and avoid unneeded communication, and I have an emergency plan set with friends to come and haul us all out with the bare necessities.
If I had your living arrangments I might consider trying to get him out, move your mom in with you, and rent out her apartment to subsidize your income. The second job sounds like a plan at least for a time to build up a balance in savings. If you'll be hand to mouth on your earnings, you'll need a cushion for emergencies.
A good friend of mine works two seasonal jobs every year at the holidays. She gets great discounts for gifts and puts it all away for a cushion for the next year.
It may not seem like a plus, but I for one am glad I'm not stuck alone.
Good luck!
Alice
I don't have much choice but to be on a slow boat out. I've got horses, dogs, and cats that I will not leave behind not to mention 95% of everything we have is mine from before we got together.
I'm earning as much as I can, saving every penny I can, and keeping my eyes open for a living arrangment/rental/work for housing situation that will work for me and my fuzzy ones. Until then, I'm doing what you are and keeping myself active in my own recovery. Little changes, step by step, one day at a time.
I know that it is highly possible he will make the current situation worse with agression or physical violence. To that end, I limit contact and avoid unneeded communication, and I have an emergency plan set with friends to come and haul us all out with the bare necessities.
If I had your living arrangments I might consider trying to get him out, move your mom in with you, and rent out her apartment to subsidize your income. The second job sounds like a plan at least for a time to build up a balance in savings. If you'll be hand to mouth on your earnings, you'll need a cushion for emergencies.
A good friend of mine works two seasonal jobs every year at the holidays. She gets great discounts for gifts and puts it all away for a cushion for the next year.
It may not seem like a plus, but I for one am glad I'm not stuck alone.
Good luck!
Alice
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
I think Alice had good advice. Action, of any kind, will give you your power back. Right now you are giving it all away. Start working on a plan, make a budget, get together all of the mounds of paperwork that you will need if you do ever file for seperation or divorce. He does not need to be aware of any of this, but it will give you a sense of direction.
When I was at my most "stuck", I told my counselor I felt like I would be sitting on her sofa a year from then saying and doing the same things and that was the advice she gave. She also told me to start praying for clarity every day, and for God to show me the truth. Within 2 weeks of doing this I caught him cheating, filed for a divorce, and here I am, 2 months later, feeling a whole lot of serenity! If you had told me then that in 2 months I would be here now I would have laughed, as I saw my situation just as hopeless as you do. Trust that you have it in you to make yourself a fantastic life.....and then go do it.
When I was at my most "stuck", I told my counselor I felt like I would be sitting on her sofa a year from then saying and doing the same things and that was the advice she gave. She also told me to start praying for clarity every day, and for God to show me the truth. Within 2 weeks of doing this I caught him cheating, filed for a divorce, and here I am, 2 months later, feeling a whole lot of serenity! If you had told me then that in 2 months I would be here now I would have laughed, as I saw my situation just as hopeless as you do. Trust that you have it in you to make yourself a fantastic life.....and then go do it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
WOW. This all sounds too familiar to me. I know what stuck means.
I just ended a 27 year long marriage to an AH. It took me all those years to finally face the music and realize I HAD to do something. We all reach that point in our own time.
For years, I tried to "keep it all together". I too, had my mother living with my family in her elderly years. Took care of her too right up to her last breath. Two kids, both pretty much raised now. I hung in there for many of the same reasons as you mentioned. The obligations, the family (including the pets), the investment in the family home. I've always worked a full time job too. Ms Responsible. That is me.
For years, I did all I could to be supportive of my AH getting a grip on his "problem", I stood by him through 2 inpatient programs, went to 100's of hours of counseling with him... as he said the problem was "our marriage", or "my mother" or, "his job" or "the weather"... baaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwhhhhhhh! After a while, and some invested time for me in Alanon, I realized it wasn't due to anybody else, or anything else... it was HIM and HIS alcoholism. The sky could be sunny, and it was reason to drink. So we drifted apart... or should I say I got cold, and drifted away. We lived in the same house, but more like roommates, not a married couple. Slept in separate rooms for about the last 5 years. I thought I could live like that, just do my own thing, keep the rest of my world "intact" and let him fall and learn the hard way. I stopped rescuing him, making excuses and let his actions fall on his own shoulders. It was a hollow existence. I couldn't go on.
Two years ago I filed for divorce. It was final a few months ago. I'm still picking up the pieces. But it is better. I no longer have to live that joke of a life...a shell of a marriage long ago ruined by alcoholism. I was pretending. Life is too short to pretend. I look back now and wish I had done this long ago, but like someone else said "hindsight is always better" - but there is no AH obstacle in my future, and for that I am very happy. I can be ME! No more pretending!
BTW, I have 8 dogs, and 9 horses! I promised myself no longer will I caretake anything but my animals!
I just ended a 27 year long marriage to an AH. It took me all those years to finally face the music and realize I HAD to do something. We all reach that point in our own time.
For years, I tried to "keep it all together". I too, had my mother living with my family in her elderly years. Took care of her too right up to her last breath. Two kids, both pretty much raised now. I hung in there for many of the same reasons as you mentioned. The obligations, the family (including the pets), the investment in the family home. I've always worked a full time job too. Ms Responsible. That is me.
For years, I did all I could to be supportive of my AH getting a grip on his "problem", I stood by him through 2 inpatient programs, went to 100's of hours of counseling with him... as he said the problem was "our marriage", or "my mother" or, "his job" or "the weather"... baaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwhhhhhhh! After a while, and some invested time for me in Alanon, I realized it wasn't due to anybody else, or anything else... it was HIM and HIS alcoholism. The sky could be sunny, and it was reason to drink. So we drifted apart... or should I say I got cold, and drifted away. We lived in the same house, but more like roommates, not a married couple. Slept in separate rooms for about the last 5 years. I thought I could live like that, just do my own thing, keep the rest of my world "intact" and let him fall and learn the hard way. I stopped rescuing him, making excuses and let his actions fall on his own shoulders. It was a hollow existence. I couldn't go on.
Two years ago I filed for divorce. It was final a few months ago. I'm still picking up the pieces. But it is better. I no longer have to live that joke of a life...a shell of a marriage long ago ruined by alcoholism. I was pretending. Life is too short to pretend. I look back now and wish I had done this long ago, but like someone else said "hindsight is always better" - but there is no AH obstacle in my future, and for that I am very happy. I can be ME! No more pretending!
BTW, I have 8 dogs, and 9 horses! I promised myself no longer will I caretake anything but my animals!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi luvfrmyfurbabies-
it would be good if you gave us more details...from what you've stated so far, it seems to me it would be easiest if he left because of the animals and your mum...
unfortunately, many times, it comes down to us physically separating...
if i was you, i would start looking for a new place to live for you and your crew. maybe a rental for a while, something temporary. then, once you've moved, stop driving him to work. i know it sounds extreme but what's your sanity worth? probably, he'll soon be in a situation where he might agree to sell the house...then you can get your half of the equity out of it and buy something for yourself...
just my two cents. the double does of prozac...is this how you want to live?
naive
it would be good if you gave us more details...from what you've stated so far, it seems to me it would be easiest if he left because of the animals and your mum...
unfortunately, many times, it comes down to us physically separating...
if i was you, i would start looking for a new place to live for you and your crew. maybe a rental for a while, something temporary. then, once you've moved, stop driving him to work. i know it sounds extreme but what's your sanity worth? probably, he'll soon be in a situation where he might agree to sell the house...then you can get your half of the equity out of it and buy something for yourself...
just my two cents. the double does of prozac...is this how you want to live?
naive
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: St. Paul MN
Posts: 6
I feel for you...I have been struggling with my own sobriety for the last three years while my husband continues on with the Budweiser. I have been so lonely for so long and just don't vision myself staying sober in the marriage. We have began the divorce process. I have moved out of our marital home, rented an apartment, and am living off of credit cards. He has cut me off from all of our money, but my attorney assures me all will be well in the end. I finally feel free from all the turmoil. Good luck to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Moving east
Posts: 217
I want to thank you all for your posts and apologize for not replying sooner. I am saving my money and trying to make plans for what I believe will eventually happen. The really sad thing is that he's not a bad person. He hands me his check every week, cooks dinner almost every night, cuts the grass, will wash clothes sometimes, sweeps the floor, and cleans out the litterbox. He's never even raised his voice to me in almost 14 years. Sometimes I think it's me having a mid life crisis. I just want someone who can connect with me on a spiritual level that I can share my dreams with and plan for the future. No, I don't want to take Prozac for the rest of my life. I want to be happy but I fear I wouldn't know happy if it smacked me upside the head. Thanks again for your posts. I'm going to try to be more active on this site. Everyone here is always so helpful.
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