MayaandMe

Hi,
I split from my xABF about 6 months ago. He came to my house to harass me about 2 months ago and I went no contact. He and I have a daughter together who is 2.

I currently live with my daughter in his country ( Central America) and I have gotten a job in another country and plan to move. Today I took my daughter to visit him for the first time in 2 months, I wanted her to see her grandparents and to see him before we leave.

I have HUGE amounts of guilt about taking her away from him. He has not been a good father, not abusive, but not really emotionally available and not financially supportive. My guilt seems to come from my fantasy about how my daughter needs to love and support of both of us. I say it is a fantasy because it is not possible for her father to give her that until he gets healthy.

He found out I was leaving and asked me when, I told him. He was furious. He once again acted like the victim. You all know the story, our relationship involved cheating, drinking, lying and all the other common traits. But now, he acts like I am wronging him. And I buy it??? This is the part I do not get...

I have decided to take my daughter somewhere else to get away from him, to get a better job and to be healthier myself, but I am having a hard time not feeling guilty about making this decision...
where does my responsibility lie in making their relationship work?


thanks!

Rainbowsend

This isn't meant to be flippant but you could arrange a regular time that he speaks to her on Skype. If it's regular then you don't have to have too much contact with him

MayaandMe

Thanks!
I was thinking about that. I think it is a good idea. Something consistent, if he wants it to be.

Gypsy Feet

my daughters father only wanted contact with her because of me unfortunately. I went on with my life and did as best as I could for her, he chose to disappear for years at a time. I ended up meeting and marrying a man who adored her, taught her all the things a daddy should. Take care of you and the baby, let him worry about his relationship with her imo

freya

You cannot make their relationship work....and by trying to do so you are definitely trespassing on his side of the street, big-time.

She is too young to make their relationship work, and he is not interested in having a relationship with anyone except his selfish, self-centered self.

You are planning to do what you need to do to make a better life for you and your daughter....which, BTW, would constitute your taking care of your side of the street.

Hmmmmmmm....remind me again, what is it that you are feeling guilty about??????

freya

ItsmeAlice

Under normal circumstances taking a child away from someone they love (a friend or family member) because of your career would be heartbreaking and guilt would, of course, be a natural response.

My father was in the military and we moved every three years up to high school. I cried every time I had to leave friends behind. I know my mother felt guilty hauling us away to follow my father from post to post.

We can't control the emotions that bubble up to the surface no matter how hard we try. So you feel a little guilty taking her away from him (and her grandparents) to make a better life for both of you, that's okay. What you do about that guilt is what counts.

IMO, pursueing a relationship with his daughter is his job. You can certainly encourage the relationship if she is getting something healthy from it. If he cannot provide a healthy influence in her life, than why try.

MayaandMe

Thanks for your input.

I think that I am dealing with my own disappointment in not being able to give my daughter what I want to give her. I feel guilty about her "loss". I think that when I think of it like that, I am not playing the tape all the way through and being honest about why I had to leave.

I guess I need more time to process all of these feelings... thanks for your help.

Freedom1990

I felt the same way for a long time in regards to my youngest daughter and her father. He chose not to have an active role in her life, despite him being 13 years sober when I became pregnant with her.

What I came to see eventually were the blessings, not the loss of a father in her life. I learned to focus on the 'haves', and not the 'have nots'.

She had/has a loving and 'present' parent-me. She was a gift from God to me, to care for, love, and raise to the best of my ability.

She is going to be 21 this month, and today we have a good relationship that I never dreamed possible between a mother and daughter. We've weathered some really tough times, and I often wondered if we'd ever get through it all. We did, and we're both better people for it.

:ghug :ghug

Rainbowsend

Hon you'll give her plenty, what's he going to give her?
In an ideal world she'd have two wonderful parents but life isn't always like that. Better one good parent than a dysfunctional pair.

I beat myself up too wishing I'd chosen a better father for my boys (not an A) but they're doing great and turning into well balanced lovely young men.

Be a bit kinder to yourself and enjoy being a mummy :ghug

Bernadette

I agree with Rainbowsend-- as a single Mom I only regret that I allowed myself to feel so much guilt and heartache over their relationship with their irresponsible father -- it was a pure waste of time and probably damaged my heart muscle!!!

In my case he moved abroad for 6 years. I set up (repeat "I set up") the weekly phone call- asking him what would be a good day etc. OK Wednesday nights. Seemed simple enough to me- I mean, I would be able (repeat "I would be able")to keep a weekly phone appointment with my kids 4,000 miles away, but 90% of the time he wasn't home, he forgot, even when we would leave a message he would not reply sometimes for more than a week!!! I asked him many times (repeat "I asked him") if a different day of the week would be more convenient or reliable? So we danced around the seven days. It never worked!

This made me very upset! What a selfish person, what a this, what a that....

Who was I trying to change? Him.
Who was actually changing? Me.
For the worse.

A mom who is focused on thinking she can control an absentee parent is setting herself up for misery. A miserable mom carries that rain cloud all around with her and it poisons the very air in her home.

Once I let his relationship with the boys be just that: HIS relationship with the boys things got a whole lot lighter and happier and free-er for myself and the children. Good God when I think back - what was I teaching them???!!!

I have never stood in the way of his relationship with the boys, and I do not bad mouth him and in fact try to speak truthfully about his good qualities that I see in the boys, but I have stopped 100% trying to play any part in the quality of their relationship. It just is what it is.

Meanwhile once I freed up all that wasted energy and devoted it to myself and the boys and creating as Blessed4x said recently "the family that can be a reality" life has been good and the boys have thrived.

peace- keep doing the next right thing for you and Dear Daughter!
B