sadandtired

My 32 year old daughter is an alcoholic. In 2003 her drinking was so out of control(she's a binge drinker) that I told her to leave the house.

My son and I are guardians for her two children. In 2006, after living on the street, in and out of hospitals more run ins with the police than I can count, she finally got to a place where she would come over (sober) to visit the kids.

She had been sober for a while and started spending a lot of time at the house. I was really glad about her pulling her self together.

She asked if she could move back in, help with the kids, help with the house. She finally was approved for ss disabilty and things seemed to be looking up.

This past year she has had a few incidents of drinking again. She checked herself back into the hosp and we chalked it up to the fact that the rate of "falling of the wagon" is high and I guess it was bound to happen

The drinking increased.....and sometimes we knew and sometimes we didn't.

Yesterday she was drunk as a skunk, and all the old crap came up...."It's my fault, she can't stop", looks like she was drinking more than we know.

So I gave her the rules...no going out by herself...I have her money and if she comes home drunk again, she has to go back to rehab or the hospital..
She had some pretty nasty things to say to me...but she can't drink.

She is dangerous when she drinks.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

sadandtired

tracksuitman

Hi,really feel for you,my wife is an alcoholic and no longer living with me or my daughter,if i have heard its my fault once i must have heard it a million times and still now when her drinking starts again she still lays the blame at someone elses feet never herselves,DONT LISTEN to it,my wife said it so many times i started to believe it myself.
If i have learnt one thing through all this is that you cant cure them,control them and you certainly didn't cause their drinking,they have to find their own reasons to stop,my wife has lost everything which is dear to her,home,family,job etc but yet she still chooses the drink,you have to start putting yourself,your son and grandchildren first and do what is right for them and you.This site has been a God send for me and has taught me a lot,please keep posting everyone here understands your pain and you realise you're not on you own.Good luck

sadandtired

I know deep down it's not my fault. I know she has to take responsibility for her own actions.

I don't want to ask her to leave again, because I'm afraid she fall into a black hole forever.

I hope she realizes that she has to follow the rules set down, but I'm also afraid that it won't work.

Thanks for posting.

tracksuitman

If she's going to fall into a black hole then i'm afraid you've got let her,she will do what she chooses and has hard as it is sometimes you have to cut them loose otherwise you and your children/grandchildren will go down with them.
Sorry if i sound harsh but i have been trapped in the same situation as you and i know how hard it is,my caring for my wife just extended her drinking career,i drew lines and set boudaries just to move them the next day when she was full of remorse,its an endless cycle ,until they have to deal with the consequences of their actions and not let someone else shoulder it ,nothing changes till something changes,really hope you look after yourself and your kids,stay strong

sadandtired

I think I lost a post...anyway, if the rules are broken, I'm afraid I will have to ask her to leave.'

I hate this.....

tracksuitman

it really is a terrible situation to be in,you've got to stick to your guns however hard it may be,tough love is the only way,theres a lot of help here for you,keep posting

sadandtired

Thanks.....

Freedom1990

I gave my 31 year old AD a chance to start fresh after an extended incarceration. She was out the door in a month.

She's a very clever girl, never homeless more than 24 hours. She always manages to find enablers. I am no longer an enabler.

It is possible to love a child to death. I've seen it happen, when parents have the best of intentions, but never allow the child to feel the consequences of their alcoholism. There was a mother where I live who buried her daughter about 3 years ago. She made sure she always had a place to live, a vehicle to drive, and financed several businesses for her daughter.

I sleep well at night knowing I have placed my AD in God's loving hands, that he has a plan for her, and I no longer stand in his way.

:ghug :ghug

sadandtired

I hear what you're saying. When my daughter lived on the street, I never gave her a dime. She was never allowed over to visit the kids if she had been drinking.

I don't give her money now either. She pulls her weight around the house although today she bitched about having so much to do.

I guess I'll have to wait and see when this drama will end.

Rainbowsend

She's old enough to make her own choices, the children aren't. Thank goodness they have you to look out for their best interests. You're sticking to your guns for them

sadandtired

She's checking into the hospital today.....she's on a lot of medication too, soo her doc wants her in.

Hopefully she'll come back out in a better frame of mind.

I'll keep you posted

LucyA

If she is going to fall into a black hole she will find a way to do it anyway, wherever she lives, likewise if she's going to get sober.
My brother lived with my mum and dad for a while and they were as nuts as he was after a couple of days, they just couldn't see how nuts they were.
Hiding keys, money, alcohol, phones, one staying in while the other went out, lying to the rest of the family. Crazy.

Hazelgirl

How do deal with helping yourself? My son is like your daughter. He just lost his wife and kids and in the bottle. I pray all the time. My nerves are shot. Give me suggestions.

sadandtired

Update:

Well,four days after her stay in the hospital, she went on a drinking binge for another three days.
When she came home, she made her choice. Rather than go into treatment, she decided to leave instead.

We're not happy and neither are her two kids.

It's almost worse this time, because I know now what can happen to her.


So sad........

Bernadette

((((((((hugs))))))))

what a difficult situation....I'm glad you're here on SR....you're not alone.
(((((((sandnadtired)))))))))

peace,
b

Seren

:ghug3

Wascally Wabbit

The hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life was throw my son out for his drugging and drinking. I remember the moment I dropped him off on the corner of nowhere.
He spit in my face.
I was crushed to the very core of my being.
He knew I loved him with all my heart.

He wound up in half way tye places that he got kicked out of. I kept saying, well you'll just have to find something else.
It went on for a little while. Then he had his AHA! moment. His awakening so to speak.
Sorta like the prodigal son. There's all this love and hope at home, so why am I living with the pigs?
He got clean, came home and is now in college doing very well.

Some people just have to be pushed right out of our lives in order to get better. In the process of him being gone, I was having this strange peaceful life. No chaos, no alcoholic drug addict in my home. I felt fantastic in so many ways. when he came back around, clean, I was worried that this new found peace would be destroyed again. And if it were to happen, I would be dropping him off on a street corner again.

So far it hasn't happened. It's been 2 years.
There's always hope for them. It's just that I simply can not tolerate the chaos in my home any more.

sadandtired

She came back home today...drunk. So, my son and I told her Treatment or leave. After some frustrating moments trying to converse with an intoxicated person, she agreed to treatment.

We are trying to make those plans now for a long term treatment center.

I appreciate the support.

luciddreamrgrl

I feel for you on this. My cousin's mother was an alcoholic and drug addict for her whole life. The only time she came into her life was when she needed money or shelter. My cousin felt so shafted but at the same time, was afraid that if she didn't help her out, that she would die or that it would be her fault. One day, she just decided to cut her off completely. I remember my mom (her sister) taking her to a rehab center to detox from crack cocain. She had burns all over her mouth from the crack pipes. I will never forget that and I was only 13 years old. My aunts story was not a happy one and unfortunatly didn't end happy either.

However, my cousin looked at the situation as a life awakening moment. Now she has dedicated her life to helping children who are addicts and criminals. She helps them through situations and counsels them. She has helped hundreds of children straighten their lives out before they turned into parents like her mother.

My point is that, even though you may never be able to help someone, you can always help others. In a way, my cousin's mother made her the wonderful person she is today. Use your situation as a catepult to help others. You are doing that just by being on this site and responding to people like me who are suffering. Just sharing your story is enough alone to inspire some. Remember that when you are feeling sad because you can't help your own family member. You are doing the right thing by not enabling her. If my exbf's family members had been half as harsh on him, as you are on your daughter, then maybe he wouldn't be in the situation that he is in. One day things will get better, and you will thank yourself for making these hard choices.

Spiritual Seeker

Way to be firm with the approp. boundaries !
May you get some peace while she gets treatment.
She is very sick...keep the faith that she can recover.
Keeping her out if she changes her mind ...is what you must do for your own sanity and
the stability of the kids. No need to feel guilty for doing the right thing.