my epiphany
 

For my entire relationship with the XABF, I was overly-focused on him and trying to get him to see that he couldn't live without me, trying to get my needs for security met, wanting to skip past the pain of my divorce and just being entirely unrealistic about how life and love actually work.

I didn't want to be divorced, didn't want to have to take care of three children with no support, didn't want to look at how I made a very poor decision when I chose my marriage partner.

I allowed myself to be seduced by an illusion, even though I knew that it was a very dangerous situation and even though it made me unhappy much more frequently than it brought me joy.

Now that I'm truly single, truly on my own, truly relying on myself, I see that I was all of these things all along.

I don't think I have any true desire to live a "conventional" lifestyle, to cohabitate or marry.

I was afraid, I was depleted physically and emotionally, and I was using HIM as much as he was using ME. I am just as responsible, and had just as many less-than-honest behaviors as he did. I think we really liked each other and had a lot of very compatible elements but neither one of us has any idea how healthy adults have relationships.

I am ready to move on and make my own life, feel good about my independence, and relish the freedom that being on my own allows me.

I have hope!

Brilliant stuff, nowwhat! Helped me this morning a lot too.

Congratulations to you for creating the fertile ground (emotionally, spiritually, rationally) that could sprout this life-changing clarity.

Hugs,
GL

Absolutely excellent!!

Nowwhat, I hear you in that department. I don't think I have any true desire to live a "conventional" lifestyle, to cohabitate or marry. I don't think, although I desire a man in my life, that I can venture there... maybe never again. When the AXBF first left I was dashing around in my head to find someone to replace him (ah, but that would mean another A, or abuser) today, even though I have MANY options I would rather not.

I am doing pretty good on my own. I come and go as I please, I am responsible for my own choices (which I always was, but with input we seem to sway in our choices), I sleep when I want, eat when I want, go out when I want, and answer to NO ONE!. No one says how horrible, terrible, etc etc I am (although none of it was true) I wouldn't let a FRIEND treat me like I let the men in my life treat me, and from here on out NO ONE, will EVER treat me less then I deserve. I will evict each and every person in my life (family or not) who disrespects me.

I too feel that I used the AXBF as much as he did me, so I didnt have to pay the piper. (Being a single Mom, paying my own way, taking FULL responsibility for success of failure, and on and on).

We are on the right track. Now to keep that in action and not let inaction take what we so hard strived for.

Yep, me too. Now if I can just muddle through the guilt over dragging my child through the repercussions of my bad decisions, I'll be really getting somewhere.

One thing: I know that I never ever have to live like that (make those bad decisions) again.