twopznapod

so, this is my first time here...trying to take a suggestion from the husband (sober for 8 months now) and his mom (sober for 20 years)...they try to help. i have a phenomenal way of not dealing with things...truthfully i like it that way...i never want to feel the way i did when he drank again..whether it's to deal with it or not...i feel like everyone has to hit bottom, the spouses of alcoholics just as much as the alcoholic themselves...there comes a point when you just can't take it anymore and you can't justify it anymore, and you can't help (which for me was more enabling than helping) anymore..mine was last summer...about this time...we had one of the fights i'll never forget..it truly was a turning point for me...he threatened to take our kids away from me...and in that moment i knew i was done...i knew that this was not love, this was not healthy, and this person i had become, vunerable, shaky, insecure and angry was not me...shortly after he moved out...then he drank more...he'd come to the house every night, fall out of his truck because he couldn't stand up and call me every name in the book...after many agonizing days and sleepless nights i made the decision to let him come home...(not real sure what the motivation was really..habit maybe...habit of giving in to him and his needs versus my own)..the night he was supposed to come home he decided to drink...for the last time...meanwhile i was at home, trying to make his homecoming perfect...when he came home he was drunk...i wouldn't let him in...in that moment he hit his bottom...finally...after 10 years of begging, pleading, fighting, threatening, and crying, he saw me...he saw what i had become...and he felt responsible...8 months later, he is still home and he is sober...he thinks i have residual anger issues with his drinking that i need to deal with (which i might) but i think what he fails to see is that in a very strange way, i am thankful for his alcoholism, and i am grateful for the experience...even though it was extremely painful...without it i do not think i ever would have become who i was supposed to be...i have a permanent reminder on my wrist...right after he came home, i got a small lotus flower tattoo on my wrist...it was a marker for me...the symbol of where i had been, what i had been through, and a promise to myself and my kids that i would never be there again.

Ago

Welcome

I would suggest read the "stickies" the "classic reading" etc

Have you considered Al-anon?

I also found Therapy incredibly helpful, both solo and "couples counseling" when I was in "your shoes"

You very well might, and if you do they are valid and you are entitled to have them. He should work on "his own program" though and stay the hell out of "your yard". with 10 years of drinking I guarantee that boy has some wreckage to clean up his own self.

Anyhow, what I found out when I went to therapy was no less then amazing, she was asking me if I was angry, starts probing around, I was like "No, I feel fine, no anger at all, everything is great blah blah blah."

She started asking a few more questions and within five minutes I was crying, screaming, yelling, I was so angry I couldn't even see straight.

I had no idea all of that anger was there.

10 years of drinking and if it includes many scenes like the one you describe (and I guarantee there were many such "episodes") will definitely leave "residual anger". It couldn't NOT leave anger in it's wake.

Anyway, I would suggest therapy and Alanon, but not for "his sake" but for your sake.

I would venture to guess if you did go to therapy and al-anon he is in store for some unpleasant surprises as you learn to care for yourself.

Anyhow, welcome


Oh....I am a male sober alcoholic that "made the mistake" of suggesting therapy and al-anon to my sig other when I got sober many many years ago.

I learned a lot and it didn't quite turn out the way I thought it would.

Do it for you, not him.

bluejay6

I read your post again this morning, twopz.....welcome! You belong here!

I love the lotus flower as your reminder of your powerful evolution and I completely identify with your realization that it took someone's addiction to draw that evolution out of you. Me too. When we are lost in the woods, alone, with only our higher power to guide us out, we have to draw on every drop of spiritual strength we have to find our way. It's just me and God, I would tell myself, and I am going to pray and hold on and work with Him. I am not going to let someone's addiction take me down, too.

And oh, did I grow. Not in a pretty, flower blossoming kind of way. More like those trees on the coast that grow at erratic angles because of the buffeting wind! But their roots are strong and they are beautiful!

Let us know as your story continues how life goes and how you are working through your understandable anger.

Blessings.