To tell him how I feel - or not
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
To tell him how I feel - or not
I had to endure yesterday, much what StrangeTrip has had to endure - backlash!
I kept my mouth shut most of the time as I listened to him rant and rave about how:
1. The only reason I married him was so that I would have help supporting my kids.
2. Every time he tried to stop drinking it was good enough for me and that I never bothered to change, so that's why he continued to drink.
3. He wasn't good enough for his mom, his ex-wife and now me.
4. He is now screwed, because he doesn't make enough to support himself. So what does he do? Stick with this until I decide to leave?
5. I managed to go to school, get a better job and am now able to be strong and support myself. I just used him to get to those places in my life.
6. Nothing he ever does ever is good enough for me.
I didn't respond for a couple of reasons. One, I can't seem to think under pressure - my mind just goes blank. Two, it seemed pointless, because whatever I said wouldn't be right and he would just twist it around to mean something else.
So do I write him a letter and let him know how I feel? How this has been going on for years?
He says he hates my letters and at one point told me to never write them again. But I feel like I need to at least have him hear what I feel.
Any advise would be awesome!!
Kitkat
I kept my mouth shut most of the time as I listened to him rant and rave about how:
1. The only reason I married him was so that I would have help supporting my kids.
2. Every time he tried to stop drinking it was good enough for me and that I never bothered to change, so that's why he continued to drink.
3. He wasn't good enough for his mom, his ex-wife and now me.
4. He is now screwed, because he doesn't make enough to support himself. So what does he do? Stick with this until I decide to leave?
5. I managed to go to school, get a better job and am now able to be strong and support myself. I just used him to get to those places in my life.
6. Nothing he ever does ever is good enough for me.
I didn't respond for a couple of reasons. One, I can't seem to think under pressure - my mind just goes blank. Two, it seemed pointless, because whatever I said wouldn't be right and he would just twist it around to mean something else.
So do I write him a letter and let him know how I feel? How this has been going on for years?
He says he hates my letters and at one point told me to never write them again. But I feel like I need to at least have him hear what I feel.
Any advise would be awesome!!
Kitkat
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: New England
Posts: 17
Kat,
everyone handles things differently. I for one would tell him face to face when he is at his most sober point. He needs to see the look in your eyes and on your face to know the hurt, to know you are serious and mean every word you say.
I doubt if it will change anything, but atleast he'll know you are dead serious and you'll feel better.
I did it. I caught my hubby while he was sober and told him exactly how I felt...he accused me of using him for his money etc...pretty much the same yer husband said to you.
I simply told him....all the money in the world isn't worth all the crap and humilliation I have put up with from you.
When I did have a face to face with him I had also made some decisions for me and laid down the law with him.
He now does whatever he wants *with the exception of driving after drinking* and does not have to answer to me...all he has to do is leave me alone. And we set a date for him to leave because it's quite obvious he is never gonna change and I certainly can not live like this.
I wish you luck in however you decide to handle this!
Keep us posted
Huggggssss
Spent
everyone handles things differently. I for one would tell him face to face when he is at his most sober point. He needs to see the look in your eyes and on your face to know the hurt, to know you are serious and mean every word you say.
I doubt if it will change anything, but atleast he'll know you are dead serious and you'll feel better.
I did it. I caught my hubby while he was sober and told him exactly how I felt...he accused me of using him for his money etc...pretty much the same yer husband said to you.
I simply told him....all the money in the world isn't worth all the crap and humilliation I have put up with from you.
When I did have a face to face with him I had also made some decisions for me and laid down the law with him.
He now does whatever he wants *with the exception of driving after drinking* and does not have to answer to me...all he has to do is leave me alone. And we set a date for him to leave because it's quite obvious he is never gonna change and I certainly can not live like this.
I wish you luck in however you decide to handle this!
Keep us posted
Huggggssss
Spent
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi Kitkat.
If he's already told you he hates the letters... don't give him a letter. WRITE the letter. Read it several times, and be prepared when you talk to him. Dino is a verbal steamroller, too. When he gets going I am usually too flabberghasted to acheive comment. Frankly a lot of the outrageous things that came out of his mouth when he'd been using didn't deserve comment. And he knew better anyway. He was just mouthing. He didn't have anything valid to say so he made things up.
Hugs!
Smoke
If he's already told you he hates the letters... don't give him a letter. WRITE the letter. Read it several times, and be prepared when you talk to him. Dino is a verbal steamroller, too. When he gets going I am usually too flabberghasted to acheive comment. Frankly a lot of the outrageous things that came out of his mouth when he'd been using didn't deserve comment. And he knew better anyway. He was just mouthing. He didn't have anything valid to say so he made things up.
Hugs!
Smoke
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Kitkat,
I have been in this situation before as well. I know now that these words were said in anger, and although it was how he was feeling at the time - I WASN'T responsible. My A always tried to make ME feel guilty for something... so that he could take the guilt and shame off of HIS shoulders.
I too am no good in an argument. My mind goes blank, I lose track of the conversation, I get all flustered and I usually start crying.
So what I have learned to do, is let the "argument" run its course (let HIM have his say). And when I get free time, I grab a pen and paper (or my journal) and I have MY say. I write down how it all started, what HE said, and how I feel. Not only does it get those nasty feelings out of my head, but I am now prepared to share my feelings on the issue with him - whether its in a letter or by beginning a more "civilized" conversation.
Hope this helps
Meg
I have been in this situation before as well. I know now that these words were said in anger, and although it was how he was feeling at the time - I WASN'T responsible. My A always tried to make ME feel guilty for something... so that he could take the guilt and shame off of HIS shoulders.
I too am no good in an argument. My mind goes blank, I lose track of the conversation, I get all flustered and I usually start crying.
So what I have learned to do, is let the "argument" run its course (let HIM have his say). And when I get free time, I grab a pen and paper (or my journal) and I have MY say. I write down how it all started, what HE said, and how I feel. Not only does it get those nasty feelings out of my head, but I am now prepared to share my feelings on the issue with him - whether its in a letter or by beginning a more "civilized" conversation.
Hope this helps
Meg
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Thanks guys!! That does help! I went ahead and wrote my letter, which really helped me to clear my head.
In writing the letter, I have come to the conclusion that he has a severe void in his life that may have started when his dad passed away when he was 8. He's tried filling that void his entire life only to find that he can't - that's where the drinking comes in.
I've determined that no matter how I acted during his sober periods, I wouldn't be able to make him happy and he would have always returned to the alcohol.
He needs to fix himself in order to have any kind of a normal relationship and I need to fix myself so that I don't go finding relationships where they "need me" all the time.
I know he hates to talk during the week, because he can't focus at work at giving the image of being happy. So I think this weekend I will try to talk to him even if I have to have my letter in front of me to refer to. Also, hopefully we can get into counseling so that I will have a "safe" place to share what I feel.
Thanks for all your help!!
Kitkat
In writing the letter, I have come to the conclusion that he has a severe void in his life that may have started when his dad passed away when he was 8. He's tried filling that void his entire life only to find that he can't - that's where the drinking comes in.
I've determined that no matter how I acted during his sober periods, I wouldn't be able to make him happy and he would have always returned to the alcohol.
He needs to fix himself in order to have any kind of a normal relationship and I need to fix myself so that I don't go finding relationships where they "need me" all the time.
I know he hates to talk during the week, because he can't focus at work at giving the image of being happy. So I think this weekend I will try to talk to him even if I have to have my letter in front of me to refer to. Also, hopefully we can get into counseling so that I will have a "safe" place to share what I feel.
Thanks for all your help!!
Kitkat
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
I bet you thought of LOTS of good things to say, later. My situation is different- he never says anything to put me down(verbally, anyway) When I do yell at him, he just listens, and tries to make a joke ..However, everything I say to him I have said SSSOOOO many times before. It doesn't sink in, and is ignored(forgotten??) One time, I started banging my head against the wall(not hard!!) to illustrate what it was like talking to him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 330
I wrote soooo many letters and then just threw them away. I guess it was like journaling. I did feel better even though I never read them or gave them to him. It didnt matter if I did. He was not going to take an honest look at them anyways. My issues were just that, MINE, and the answers to my questions lie in my own recovery.
LG
LG
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Kitkat,
It sounds like you did great. I have written many letters that I have never given to the person and it does help clear my head. I am then able to have a conversation much more clearly.
The real trick is walking away when it gets out of control. I am about 80/20 at this point in my recoverry which is great considering I was 0/100 before.
Fixing you is the key...nothing changes if nothing changes...so you can be the first to set things in motion by changing you.
Hugs,
JT
It sounds like you did great. I have written many letters that I have never given to the person and it does help clear my head. I am then able to have a conversation much more clearly.
The real trick is walking away when it gets out of control. I am about 80/20 at this point in my recoverry which is great considering I was 0/100 before.
Fixing you is the key...nothing changes if nothing changes...so you can be the first to set things in motion by changing you.
Hugs,
JT
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