It's been awhile, made some big changes
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
And about a month ago now I showed up at work with a fractured cheekbone, a black and blue, blood shot eye and a busted lip.
Abuse happens little by little. It is progressive... just like alcoholism. By the time it gets to the stage of the above you will have already experienced ever increasing incidents. You may not notice them now: I didn't truly notice the progression until I started speaking with a therapist. And every incident leaves a benchmark for the next. So what is next from a broken cheekbone, black eye and busted lip? And I haven't even started on the emotional abuse you are apparently subject to... but that is generally how you get softened up for the physical stuff.
He is not going to get better (if ever) without getting help.. and you are going to remain a target unless you get away from this guy. I assume he hasn't faced any consequences legally for assualting you? Got away with it.. will that stop him.. the 'phew I lost control but I haven't been dragged off to jail'... No. You'd think huh.. but I'm betting it hasn't woken him up at all and it doesn't sound like it. So you remain a target.
The cycle is an ever decreasing circle that can lead to the grave. I know that sounds dramatic but it is a reality. Everyone I have had to speak to about what happened to me that put me in Hospital, including the Police, have said that I was incredibly lucky not to have been killed. He may not have meant to but that could have been the outcome.. and none of his 'I didn't mean to kill her' would have brought me back. It was luck and not his control, good judgement or anything in his power that means I am here today.. scarred but alive.
Does this sound familiar?
- Tension Building Stage: This is the stage where things lead up to that "walking on eggshells" feeling... you feel like things are getting more tense etc.
- Incident Stage: This is the stage where the violence can occur. The amount of violence in this stage can build in intensity with each episode. It can include... verbal abuse, hitting/throwing/breaking objects, making threats, pushing, grabbing, restraining, slapping, punching, kicking, choking, beating with objects etc..etc..etc.
- Honeymoon Stage: This is the stage where they either minimises the episode and then apologises and promises never to do it again AND/OR blames it on alcohol, drugs, etc. and promises it will never happen again OR denies it ever happened. They are then sweet, kind and gentle for a while and may buy gifts.
If the victim does leave after the incident they will do anything it takes to get them to come back.... including, hearts and flowers bribes, promises to be a good parent, finds God, promises to stop drinking, promises to get counselling etc..etc..etc.
And rinse and repeat. And it will not get better unless he does something about it.. just like alcoholism... and the road is long and he may never get there. So he has two things to deal with... he is an alcoholic and abusive. Do you want to hang around waiting and hoping he 'gets it'?
You deserve much much more. :ghug
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I just wanted to add... I completely understand what you are saying about why you are hanging on in there. I loved my ex too... I can't tell you how much. I absolutely adored him and wanted the best for him, held on for the epiphany, minimised right along with him, clung onto the honeymoon periods or the periods of quiet and prayed they'd last and it was a sign of an upturn etc... you know the drill.
It never happened. All it did was crush me. If he loved me he would not have been with me the way he was with me... the reality. If I loved me I would not have stayed. But the love I felt for myself got skewed along with the skewing he did: so everytime the cracker factory in his head dehumanised me enough to make it ok to be horrible to me, my head did exactly the same.
I have a really great DV worker who is supporting me as I put the pieces of my life back together. I saw her yesterday.. she said to me, 'you are looking great.. do you know who you look like'.. I kind of knew who she would say (in my better days I used to get told all the time I looked like this person) but said 'who'... she said 'Kate Winslet'... I said 'yeah I get that alot.. or I used to'. She smiled at me and said... 'so, he's not only lost a lovely, sweet, kind person in his life but he's also lost a hottie'. Oh that made me laugh..
It's nice when your self esteem is on the floor to hear you are beautiful inside and out from someone with no agenda or 'game'.
You, yes YOU, are beautiful... inside and out. You are wonderful and unique.. that deserves to be recognised. He wants to make you 'ugly'... please don't let him... I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back in the sun and out of their shadow. I'm hoping you make it out.
It never happened. All it did was crush me. If he loved me he would not have been with me the way he was with me... the reality. If I loved me I would not have stayed. But the love I felt for myself got skewed along with the skewing he did: so everytime the cracker factory in his head dehumanised me enough to make it ok to be horrible to me, my head did exactly the same.
I have a really great DV worker who is supporting me as I put the pieces of my life back together. I saw her yesterday.. she said to me, 'you are looking great.. do you know who you look like'.. I kind of knew who she would say (in my better days I used to get told all the time I looked like this person) but said 'who'... she said 'Kate Winslet'... I said 'yeah I get that alot.. or I used to'. She smiled at me and said... 'so, he's not only lost a lovely, sweet, kind person in his life but he's also lost a hottie'. Oh that made me laugh..
It's nice when your self esteem is on the floor to hear you are beautiful inside and out from someone with no agenda or 'game'.
You, yes YOU, are beautiful... inside and out. You are wonderful and unique.. that deserves to be recognised. He wants to make you 'ugly'... please don't let him... I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back in the sun and out of their shadow. I'm hoping you make it out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by kv816 
I guess I wasn't clear in my post. I'm not actually living with him anymore. We talk on the phone ever day or two. We get together for a few evenings, usually dinner and watch a little tv together before I go home. I won't move back in with him; I feel so much better being out on my own. I guess my biggest fault right now, that I can see (among many) is that I'm still in a way trying to protect and save him. And I have to get it out of my head that I can't do that.
a month ago now I showed up at work with a fractured cheekbone, a black and blue, blood shot eye and a busted lip.
Then I was stupid and answered the phone one day when he called. I went over to the house to get some of my stuff and we ended up sitting on the couch
He left 19 voice mails the next day on my cell phone. The first few early in the morning......calm, peaceful, "please call me when you get a chance, I want to hear your voice, I love you". And as the day went on, as he drank more, the worse they got. And by the end of the day the message was more along the lines of "I'm packing up all the rest of your **** so you can come and get it, I don't ever want you back here at my house and if I ever see you with another guy I'll break his f-ing neck". And so on and so forth. But of course, that long message was ended with "but remember I'll always love you".
Then I was stupid and answered the phone one day when he called. I went over to the house to get some of my stuff and we ended up sitting on the couch
He left 19 voice mails the next day on my cell phone. The first few early in the morning......calm, peaceful, "please call me when you get a chance, I want to hear your voice, I love you". And as the day went on, as he drank more, the worse they got. And by the end of the day the message was more along the lines of "I'm packing up all the rest of your **** so you can come and get it, I don't ever want you back here at my house and if I ever see you with another guy I'll break his f-ing neck". And so on and so forth. But of course, that long message was ended with "but remember I'll always love you".
This man beat you
He will beat you again
He may kill you
He has given you the information, he has told you he will "break any man's neck he see's you with" and he has beaten you, that means he will beat you again.
You write about him beating you like it's cute. like it shows how much he loves you. "see how much he loves me? see him cry when he lost me?" Like you are proud of him. Like your original post was "look how much he loves me though"
It's not "cute"
That's not love
There are stickies here about domestic violence, and Stockholm Syndrome, and how to escape abusive situations
I didn't link to any of those, because I don't think you are ready to go, I don't know what it will take for you to leave truthfully. You may not. You may not make it out alive.
Just so you know, I am not theorizing, the facts and studies bear me out:
This man beat you
This man will beat you again
Statistically speaking there is a good chance this man may kill you.
You are not "different", he is not "different", he is not "special"
It can "happen to you"
In ten years of driving an ambulance, every one of my patients had one thing in common.
They were all surprised it "happened to them" whatever it was that happened was only supposed to "happen to other people"
You are "other people"
It WILL happen to you
These are the only pertinent facts in this situation as far as I am concerned, not "how wonderful he is when he is sober" or how much fun you have when you play cards
We Care.....we really do, but we are in the position of watching a car crash and being unable to do anything about it, or watching a horror movie where we watch the heroine go back into the haunted house, knowing what is going to happen and yelling at the screen "No No No don't go in that house" knowing if she goes back in that house she's dust.
You are walking back into that house and we are powerless to stop you.
I pray you don't lose your life, but I don't have too much hope of that as long as you keep doing what you are doing.
It's that serious
I can't be any more clear then that
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
I agree with CLMI.
In fact, I agree with everyone who has posted.
You are a willing participant in this insanity. You are sacrificing yourself (physically and emotionally) and your children for a man who DOES NOT give a flying flip about you or your children. Do you think this makes you some kind of saint? I'm sorry to tell you it doesn't. You are putting your life at risk. How's that working for you? Oh wait, I can answer that...it's not (or maybe it is, since you keep going back).
I think it's great you're not living with him any more. But, why do you continue to see him? So what if he's sober for a couple of days. He's an alcoholic, he will always go back to drinking if he's not in recovery.
It is so sad when we keep going back for more. Especially when the more is a scary, dangerous situation. You deserve so much more. And so do your children.
No contact...period, would be the best thing to do. Don't answer the phone, don't open the door. Just let it be. It is what it is...he's an alcoholic. You can't help or save him, that's his job. Your job is to help yourself and your children. You can't help them if you're dead!
Sue
In fact, I agree with everyone who has posted.
You are a willing participant in this insanity. You are sacrificing yourself (physically and emotionally) and your children for a man who DOES NOT give a flying flip about you or your children. Do you think this makes you some kind of saint? I'm sorry to tell you it doesn't. You are putting your life at risk. How's that working for you? Oh wait, I can answer that...it's not (or maybe it is, since you keep going back).
I think it's great you're not living with him any more. But, why do you continue to see him? So what if he's sober for a couple of days. He's an alcoholic, he will always go back to drinking if he's not in recovery.
It is so sad when we keep going back for more. Especially when the more is a scary, dangerous situation. You deserve so much more. And so do your children.
No contact...period, would be the best thing to do. Don't answer the phone, don't open the door. Just let it be. It is what it is...he's an alcoholic. You can't help or save him, that's his job. Your job is to help yourself and your children. You can't help them if you're dead!
Sue
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Here's a list of DV resources by state: United States DV Resources by State
You need counseling with a DV professional. Please call.
You need counseling with a DV professional. Please call.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
I'm sure all of this is very hard for you to hear because it goes against everything you want to do. The only difference is, the advice you are being given here could very well save your life. To continue on as you are now doing, is like signing a death warrant. What will your children do then? Do you even care? Sorry to sound so harsh and alarmist, but you just don't seem to be getting it. It DOESN'T MATTER that you are not living with him. You don't have to be living with him in order for him to beat the snot out of you!! Like I said before, as did others here...if you don't care enough about yourself to get out of this hell hole, do it FOR YOUR KIDS!!! If you can't even manage to do that, then please, make arrangements for your children to live elsewhere while you play around with this man and wait for him to kill you. Does that sound like an over reaction? Tell that to the thousands of women who are killed every year by the men that told them they loved them.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Sweetie, when you read through this thread I am sure you will think that we are being 'harsh' with you.
Well, everyone one here, has either been involved with domestic violence on their own person or has a loved one or dear friend who has experienced domestic violence and some of us (myself and others) have done volunteer work at DV shelters.
For the protection of you and your child(ren) and to be safe, a belated report needs to be filed, you NEED to go NO CONTACT and you NEED to get a PROTECTION ORDER issued IMMEDIATELY. Also, PLEASE contact the nearest DOMESTIC VIOLENCE shelter to you. They have many 'resources' available to help you.
You are really putting yourself and child(ren) at GRAVE RISK.
I can guarantee you, that the VIOLENCE will escalate, and he won't necessarily have to be drinking.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Well, everyone one here, has either been involved with domestic violence on their own person or has a loved one or dear friend who has experienced domestic violence and some of us (myself and others) have done volunteer work at DV shelters.
For the protection of you and your child(ren) and to be safe, a belated report needs to be filed, you NEED to go NO CONTACT and you NEED to get a PROTECTION ORDER issued IMMEDIATELY. Also, PLEASE contact the nearest DOMESTIC VIOLENCE shelter to you. They have many 'resources' available to help you.
You are really putting yourself and child(ren) at GRAVE RISK.
I can guarantee you, that the VIOLENCE will escalate, and he won't necessarily have to be drinking.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Do you have it written down anywhere who your children go to should something happen to you? If not - they may end up with the state, if their father is an unknown.
If you can't think about yourself yet, and that certainly comes to each of us in our own time, at least think of the kids.
If you can't think about yourself yet, and that certainly comes to each of us in our own time, at least think of the kids.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
You seem to want the loving man you knew without the alcholic violence. You can't have one without the other, sorry, not available in his particular model. You can find the love you want in someone without the violence and drunkeness. Yes, you can.
I adore chocolate. If want a Hershey bar but the fine print says I have to take a bullet in the leg to eat it, I'm going to choose a Snickers. It sounds like a simple breakdown of the math, but it can be that simple if you let it.
In your post you said your boss was going to file for an assault on an officer. That would make you the officer, no? If that means law enforcement officer, my next question is whether your ABF is one as well?
I'm not personally in law enforcement but like so many I have worked closely with members of it in a former career and found many that had self destructive habits. I am not generalizing law enforcement here, I am only stating an observation I personally made. Could it be the culture that you are in that is stopping you from pursuing criminal charges against him? Could it be a silence among officers that has been giving him extra chances in getting his sh** together? Could it be that you're expected to be tough in your job and therefore should be able to defend against his violence?
The goal of law enforcement is to protect and serve. You are doing neither for yourself by staying in contact with him.
The three Cs apply to codependents in my life as well as As. I did not create your situation, I cannot cure it, and I cannot control it. BUT like with those in my life that I care for...I wish I could.
Alice
I adore chocolate. If want a Hershey bar but the fine print says I have to take a bullet in the leg to eat it, I'm going to choose a Snickers. It sounds like a simple breakdown of the math, but it can be that simple if you let it.
In your post you said your boss was going to file for an assault on an officer. That would make you the officer, no? If that means law enforcement officer, my next question is whether your ABF is one as well?
I'm not personally in law enforcement but like so many I have worked closely with members of it in a former career and found many that had self destructive habits. I am not generalizing law enforcement here, I am only stating an observation I personally made. Could it be the culture that you are in that is stopping you from pursuing criminal charges against him? Could it be a silence among officers that has been giving him extra chances in getting his sh** together? Could it be that you're expected to be tough in your job and therefore should be able to defend against his violence?
The goal of law enforcement is to protect and serve. You are doing neither for yourself by staying in contact with him.
The three Cs apply to codependents in my life as well as As. I did not create your situation, I cannot cure it, and I cannot control it. BUT like with those in my life that I care for...I wish I could.
Alice
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I don't want to lose him
I think alot of us, to some degree has been in this loop. But :rotfxkosomeday, if you stay away from this, you might understand.... What did I lose?!!!
Just don't answer the phone, & it's not going to change, he will continue to plead, be fine sober & then drop off into the madness... which makes it your madness, if you have a front row seat.
I can rem, someone saying once... in response to this similar situation - It doesn't have to be this way.
I think alot of us, to some degree has been in this loop. But :rotfxkosomeday, if you stay away from this, you might understand.... What did I lose?!!!
Just don't answer the phone, & it's not going to change, he will continue to plead, be fine sober & then drop off into the madness... which makes it your madness, if you have a front row seat.
I can rem, someone saying once... in response to this similar situation - It doesn't have to be this way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I know how hard this is.. :ghug I want you to say 'yes, you are all completely right and he will never darken my door again'... but I know that takes you hitting your bottom or something happening to jolt you out of the spell.
I'm 1000s of miles away but I'm here. I'm here to listen. I'm prepared to repeat myself. I'm prepared to stick around as you kick this habit even though you may relapse and turn on me. I'm here to be supportive and non-judgemental.
Please keep posting.
I'm 1000s of miles away but I'm here. I'm here to listen. I'm prepared to repeat myself. I'm prepared to stick around as you kick this habit even though you may relapse and turn on me. I'm here to be supportive and non-judgemental.
Please keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Dear KV,
I was so angry yesterday about what is happening to you and your children that I think my post was not at all helpful to you. I'm sorry. I sound in the post as if I am holding you to blame for what is happening to you, but I know that you are being victimized and have few resources now to be able to help yourself escape this abuse. I wish I had not flared up so, and I am sorry.
KV, I wish I could heal all your wounds. Put healing ointment on the outer wounds and wrap the inner wounds in loving bandages.
What I will wish for you today is God's loving guidance and protection to completely pour over you.
I am sending you love this time, not angry words, for my anger will not protect you nor your family. I am sending you instead a prayer.
I, too, have lost myself in the past.
I finally came back to me. I hope you are lucky enough to find the purest KV again.
Love, Bluejay
I was so angry yesterday about what is happening to you and your children that I think my post was not at all helpful to you. I'm sorry. I sound in the post as if I am holding you to blame for what is happening to you, but I know that you are being victimized and have few resources now to be able to help yourself escape this abuse. I wish I had not flared up so, and I am sorry.
KV, I wish I could heal all your wounds. Put healing ointment on the outer wounds and wrap the inner wounds in loving bandages.
What I will wish for you today is God's loving guidance and protection to completely pour over you.
I am sending you love this time, not angry words, for my anger will not protect you nor your family. I am sending you instead a prayer.
I, too, have lost myself in the past.
I finally came back to me. I hope you are lucky enough to find the purest KV again.
Love, Bluejay
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
I read your thread and through the posts and i too am wondering ~ what big changes?
You moved into your own place... being the change? It's a beginning, but I fail to see how spending a few nights a week with him constitutes any sort of change. The change hasn't taken place in your thinking.
I'm heartbroken thinking that your children are receiving the message from you, that it IS ok to be physically abused by repeatedly going back for more. That is sad.
What are you hoping for? If this isn't okay with you, why on earth are you still going back to him. Have you thought about looking into getting some help for YOU and your children. Try to find out what is causing you to need to be someone's punching bag and work on changing it.
You moved into your own place... being the change? It's a beginning, but I fail to see how spending a few nights a week with him constitutes any sort of change. The change hasn't taken place in your thinking.
I'm heartbroken thinking that your children are receiving the message from you, that it IS ok to be physically abused by repeatedly going back for more. That is sad.
What are you hoping for? If this isn't okay with you, why on earth are you still going back to him. Have you thought about looking into getting some help for YOU and your children. Try to find out what is causing you to need to be someone's punching bag and work on changing it.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Somehow I missed the fact you have children.
By your acts you are basically saying "I do not care to leave my children motherless". It may sound harsh, I am not trying to scare you - but if I apply the same to you as I do with ex AH / see the actions, which tell the truth, and not read your words... that is what you are really telling me.
I am heartbroken too. It has to be alcoholism, such a great power, that takes away your motherly protection instincts. I agree with suki - if you do not care about your children, at least leave them with someone else, THEN you can go play Russian roulette if you wish.
He hit you once. What if next time he gets angry he is at your home? What if he really really, REALLY wants to hurt you?
He can go after the children.
I pray for God to protect you and make you wake up before anything irreversible happens. I hope you listen the message we all carry here, we are not judging you, honest, but I'd hate not to listen anymore from you at SR and wonder.
By your acts you are basically saying "I do not care to leave my children motherless". It may sound harsh, I am not trying to scare you - but if I apply the same to you as I do with ex AH / see the actions, which tell the truth, and not read your words... that is what you are really telling me.
I am heartbroken too. It has to be alcoholism, such a great power, that takes away your motherly protection instincts. I agree with suki - if you do not care about your children, at least leave them with someone else, THEN you can go play Russian roulette if you wish.
He hit you once. What if next time he gets angry he is at your home? What if he really really, REALLY wants to hurt you?
He can go after the children.
I pray for God to protect you and make you wake up before anything irreversible happens. I hope you listen the message we all carry here, we are not judging you, honest, but I'd hate not to listen anymore from you at SR and wonder.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
*
In your post you said your boss was going to file for an assault on an officer. That would make you the officer, no? If that means law enforcement officer, my next question is whether your ABF is one as well?
I'm not personally in law enforcement but like so many I have worked closely with members of it in a former career and found many that had self destructive habits. I am not generalizing law enforcement here, I am only stating an observation I personally made. Could it be the culture that you are in that is stopping you from pursuing criminal charges against him? Could it be a silence among officers that has been giving him extra chances in getting his sh** together? Could it be that you're expected to be tough in your job and therefore should be able to defend against his violence? kv816 and Alice,
I see you are thanking post kv816 if not replying. I cannot speak for everyone , but I am guessing that like Alice this did not skip the attention of most the rest of us either.
The focus our responses was in regards to what you wrote about your thoughts and behavior:
[/QUOTE]I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to be with someone when and only when it's convenient for them! I don't want to be chosen last over a beer!!!! You either want me or you don't......period. It's not when you can't get a drink!!!!
That's what I say tonight though. I'm sure it'll be different in a few days, when he's sober again. I wish I had more control over all of this. I wish I could explain it to him in a way that will open his eyes!!!
But I know I can't. And it's so odd. I KNOW that I can't but the more I sit back and think about it the more I realize that I'm still always trying to control him, his drinking.
It's a vicious roller coaster and I really do want to get off. But, yet, we always walk it off and then end up right back in line, waiting for our next turn.
:c020a108:[/QUOTE]
I intentionally ignored the secondary revelation of what would have lead to a rabbit trail away from the issues at the forefront. In no way does the fact that one or both of you possibly being officers change what I said or asked.
In Concern,
tammy
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
In your post you said your boss was going to file for an assault on an officer. That would make you the officer, no? If that means law enforcement officer, my next question is whether your ABF is one as well?
I'm not personally in law enforcement but like so many I have worked closely with members of it in a former career and found many that had self destructive habits. I am not generalizing law enforcement here, I am only stating an observation I personally made. Could it be the culture that you are in that is stopping you from pursuing criminal charges against him? Could it be a silence among officers that has been giving him extra chances in getting his sh** together? Could it be that you're expected to be tough in your job and therefore should be able to defend against his violence?
I see you are thanking post kv816 if not replying. I cannot speak for everyone , but I am guessing that like Alice this did not skip the attention of most the rest of us either.
The focus our responses was in regards to what you wrote about your thoughts and behavior:
[/QUOTE]I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to be with someone when and only when it's convenient for them! I don't want to be chosen last over a beer!!!! You either want me or you don't......period. It's not when you can't get a drink!!!!
That's what I say tonight though. I'm sure it'll be different in a few days, when he's sober again. I wish I had more control over all of this. I wish I could explain it to him in a way that will open his eyes!!!
But I know I can't. And it's so odd. I KNOW that I can't but the more I sit back and think about it the more I realize that I'm still always trying to control him, his drinking.
It's a vicious roller coaster and I really do want to get off. But, yet, we always walk it off and then end up right back in line, waiting for our next turn.
:c020a108:[/QUOTE]
I intentionally ignored the secondary revelation of what would have lead to a rabbit trail away from the issues at the forefront. In no way does the fact that one or both of you possibly being officers change what I said or asked.
In Concern,
tammy
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 35
Your poor children. They didn't choose this. You didn't choose for it to start, but you're allowing it to continue. You're teaching them that this is okay, and you are laying down the blueprint for their future relationships.
I'm trying hard NOT to be judgemental, and I do feel for you, but I feel for your children more. I've looked after children who were physically or verbally assaulted by drunken parents. The physical wounds heal much faster than the ones you can't see. Children notice everything, and even if they don't understand it, they feel it.
You can choose to continue this dance if you must, but please keep your children out of it.
Imagine you had a good friend whose husband was an alcoholic, who had beaten her, threatened further violence, and given no indication of wishing to change his ways. She tells you she doesn't want to lose him. You would probably think she was deluded, and you would be right.
Instead of rejecting all of these wise people's advice, because they "couldn't possibly understand", please for a moment entertain the possibility that your own thought processes have been so damaged by your experiences that your judgement is seriously flawed.
This problem goes so much deeper than your boyfriend not making you a priority. You are upset that he doesn't "want" you enough. I am staggered as to why you think he should even have the option. I hope you gain some clarity before it's too late.
I'm trying hard NOT to be judgemental, and I do feel for you, but I feel for your children more. I've looked after children who were physically or verbally assaulted by drunken parents. The physical wounds heal much faster than the ones you can't see. Children notice everything, and even if they don't understand it, they feel it.
You can choose to continue this dance if you must, but please keep your children out of it.
Imagine you had a good friend whose husband was an alcoholic, who had beaten her, threatened further violence, and given no indication of wishing to change his ways. She tells you she doesn't want to lose him. You would probably think she was deluded, and you would be right.
Instead of rejecting all of these wise people's advice, because they "couldn't possibly understand", please for a moment entertain the possibility that your own thought processes have been so damaged by your experiences that your judgement is seriously flawed.
I don't want to lose him but I don't want to be with someone when and only when it's convenient for them! I don't want to be chosen last over a beer!!!! You either want me or you don't......period. It's not when you can't get a drink!!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
By KiplingFan in (Mature Themes) 2008
'It's not your fault'...
If you are reading this, it is because you are looking for answers. something is happening or has happened in your life that has made you question yourself.
You feel things that you cant talk to other people about.
You don’t talk because it hurts too much.
You don’t talk because you don’t want people to know.
You don’t talk because you don’t know what will happen afterwards.
You don’t talk because you blame yourself.
The blame issue might not be clear becase you know someone has hurt you – but somehow you feel that you played a part in this and that it is not completely someone elses fault.
That type of feeling usually comes from being hurt by someone that you know and care about. Feeling this way has also been something that has protected you for the duration of the abuse.
Your mind has trouble accepting that someone that is supposed to love you is hurting you in ways you cannot even comprehend completely.
Believe it or not, not being able to comprehend completely is a gift. Whatever is making this person hurt you is something that they hold inside of themselves that is simply spilling out on you – in your direction.
It really has 'nothing' to do with you – except that you are the outlet.
I know that may sound hard to believe but it is true. For some reason they chose you. you did not choose them. You did not ask for anything bad like it to happen to you. There is nothing that you could have said or done that justifies anybody on the planet hurting you so badly. Nothing. period. End of sentence. Nothing.
I know you have many of those yeah but thoughts…
yeah but.. I was bad
yeah but.. I didn’t do…
yeah but.. I did….
yeah but…I dressed that way…
yeah but… I didn’t say no…
yeah but… I just let it happen….
yeah but.. I didn’t fight them…
yeah but.. I didn’t tell
yeah but… my body responded, so I must have liked it. and how can I be mad at them when I responded?.
But let me resssure you – those sentences are the reason that you are where you are. those sentences show that you can clearly understand and feel that what has happened was and is wrong. hard to understand? let me try…
The fact that you realize something is wrong and feel the need to justify the situation – shows you know the difference between right and wrong.
You are subconsiously looking for a way to blame yourself to let the person off the hook.
You would rather believe you are the worlds worst, – than admit to yourself or anybody else that someone you love beyond measure, is so badly hurting you.
That is somehow easier, to take the blame?... Thinking that was part of your survival for as long as you have had to endure that sort of treatment.
That thinking, while helping you survive, is no longer healthy and that is what we need to change.
Just like the lies you had to tell yourself for so many years so nobody would know your secrets. And yes, you did feel they were your secrets.
But please let me tell you – they are not your secrets to keep anymore. You can let them go. You can talk. You can tell people. You can get help. You can start to feel again – feel something other than that empty void you created so you wouldn’t get hurt any more.
What happened to you is 'not' your fault. you didn’t do anything wrong. It is the person that hurt you that is trying to hide. They don’t want people to know what they have done –so they made this your secret. Its not. There is nothing wrong with you because you were abused. there is something very wrong, with the person that abused you.
When I say that there is nothing wrong with you – I do not mean that you havent been affected by the abuse. I mean that you did nothing wrong that made someone hurt you in response.
You were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and exposed to the wrong person. Even if the abuse was over years – it started out the same.
The fear and embarrassment you have felt –Was the way that the abuse continued. That is 'not' your fault.
You felt that way because it was the natural response – everybody in the world feels or would feel that way. That is not a weakness. nor was it permission.
Maybe you didn’t talk because you couldn’t. Maybe the people that hurt you - used that to their advantage. Maybe they manipulated you by fear?.
Maybe that fear made you feel powerless to do anything to stop it.
Maybe you tried to talk about it and nobody listened. maybe you tried to talk about it and were told not to talk about it any more. maybe you tried to talk about it and someone told you that was life and to just deal with it. maybe you tried to talk about it and you got hurt worse.
That is how they keep the power. They depend on the fact that people don’t want to know about abuse. They don’t want it to be in their family or to happen to the people they love so they deny and get mad at you for breaking their bubble of a wonderful world.
Truly, people you tell, are not mad at you. they just don’t know what to do – and peoples first response is to lash out at the messenger.
You might be worried about having to face that person again. But trust me, once they are found out –they are much more afraid than you ever were or still are.
Your life is not over – you can heal from anything that has been done to you. Habits and patterns that you have learned in response to being abused – can be undone and retrained in ways that are healthy for you.
The person that hurt you is the one that will lose their current life. they will lose everything they hold dear. They may end up in jail and lose their liberty and their freedom. they will lose the love, respect, trust and admiration of those that they held dear – their spouses, their families, their co-workers can often brand them forever.
Knowing this however should never ever make you afraid to talk. You may however decide not to take it to the full extent and get the police invovled, but you do need to talk so that it stops.
It needs to stop.. and its 'not' your fault.
Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: ITS NOT YOUR FAULT - DailyStrength
Many who read this might ask themselves, "Why don't they just leave?" This question blames the victim - we should be asking "Why is he/she abusing her/him?" We should be asking, "what can we do as a community to hold him/her accountable to his/her use of violence?"
And it's no wonder that survivors don't leave their abusive partners. Many are threatened: "I'll kill you if you leave me." Many are in love - they want the abuse to stop, not the relationship. Hearing that you're stupid, ugly, lazy or crazy from a stranger will usually make you leave that stranger - hearing the same thing from the person you love might slowly convince you that they are right.
Barriers to Leaving
Women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons.
A battered woman may believe:
• His violence is temporary.
• With loyalty and love, she can make him change.
• His promises that it will "never happen again".
• It's her responsibility to keep the family together.
• There will be more good times.
Many women do not want the relationship to end; they want the violence to end.
Fear is a major factor. Many women believe their abusers' threats that he will kill her if she leaves him.
The percent of female murder victims killed by their intimate partners has remained at about 30 percent since 1976. (Bureau of Justice Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence, May 2000)
She may fear:
• More severe abuse
• Retaliation if he finds her
• Destruction of her belongings or home
• No one will believe her
• Criticism from friends and family
• Harm to her job or reputation
• Stalking
• Charging her with a crime
• Harming children, pets, family or friends
• His committing suicide
• Court or police involvement.
At times, women may leave the relationship. She may return when he begs her to come back, or when she can not find the resources to live on her own. She may return because she loves him.
The average battered woman leaves 7 to 8 times before permanently leaving a relationship.
There are many other reasons women stay in relationships. Some include:
Economics
• Few job skills
• Limited education or work experience
• Limited cash
• No access to bank account
• Fear of poverty.
Pressure from community of faith/family
• Family expectation to stay in marriage "at any cost"
• Family denial of the violence
• Family blames her for the violence
• Religion may disapprove of divorce
• Religious leader may tell her to "stay and pray".
Guilt/self doubt
• Guilt about failure of the relationship
• Guilt about choosing an abuser
• Feelings of personal incompetence
• Concern about independence
• Loneliness.
Concern for Children
• Abuser may charge her with 'kidnapping' or sue for custody
• Abuser may abduct or abuse the children
• Questions whether she can care for and support children on her own
• Fears losing custody of her children
• Believes children need a father.
Lack of community support
• Unaware of services available to battered women
• Lack of adequate child care
• Few jobs
• Negative experiences with service providers
• Lack of affordable housing
• Isolated from community services.
http://www.nwalsafeplace.org/index.p...d=58&Itemid=57
'It's not your fault'...
If you are reading this, it is because you are looking for answers. something is happening or has happened in your life that has made you question yourself.
You feel things that you cant talk to other people about.
You don’t talk because it hurts too much.
You don’t talk because you don’t want people to know.
You don’t talk because you don’t know what will happen afterwards.
You don’t talk because you blame yourself.
The blame issue might not be clear becase you know someone has hurt you – but somehow you feel that you played a part in this and that it is not completely someone elses fault.
That type of feeling usually comes from being hurt by someone that you know and care about. Feeling this way has also been something that has protected you for the duration of the abuse.
Your mind has trouble accepting that someone that is supposed to love you is hurting you in ways you cannot even comprehend completely.
Believe it or not, not being able to comprehend completely is a gift. Whatever is making this person hurt you is something that they hold inside of themselves that is simply spilling out on you – in your direction.
It really has 'nothing' to do with you – except that you are the outlet.
I know that may sound hard to believe but it is true. For some reason they chose you. you did not choose them. You did not ask for anything bad like it to happen to you. There is nothing that you could have said or done that justifies anybody on the planet hurting you so badly. Nothing. period. End of sentence. Nothing.
I know you have many of those yeah but thoughts…
yeah but.. I was bad
yeah but.. I didn’t do…
yeah but.. I did….
yeah but…I dressed that way…
yeah but… I didn’t say no…
yeah but… I just let it happen….
yeah but.. I didn’t fight them…
yeah but.. I didn’t tell
yeah but… my body responded, so I must have liked it. and how can I be mad at them when I responded?.
But let me resssure you – those sentences are the reason that you are where you are. those sentences show that you can clearly understand and feel that what has happened was and is wrong. hard to understand? let me try…
The fact that you realize something is wrong and feel the need to justify the situation – shows you know the difference between right and wrong.
You are subconsiously looking for a way to blame yourself to let the person off the hook.
You would rather believe you are the worlds worst, – than admit to yourself or anybody else that someone you love beyond measure, is so badly hurting you.
That is somehow easier, to take the blame?... Thinking that was part of your survival for as long as you have had to endure that sort of treatment.
That thinking, while helping you survive, is no longer healthy and that is what we need to change.
Just like the lies you had to tell yourself for so many years so nobody would know your secrets. And yes, you did feel they were your secrets.
But please let me tell you – they are not your secrets to keep anymore. You can let them go. You can talk. You can tell people. You can get help. You can start to feel again – feel something other than that empty void you created so you wouldn’t get hurt any more.
What happened to you is 'not' your fault. you didn’t do anything wrong. It is the person that hurt you that is trying to hide. They don’t want people to know what they have done –so they made this your secret. Its not. There is nothing wrong with you because you were abused. there is something very wrong, with the person that abused you.
When I say that there is nothing wrong with you – I do not mean that you havent been affected by the abuse. I mean that you did nothing wrong that made someone hurt you in response.
You were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and exposed to the wrong person. Even if the abuse was over years – it started out the same.
The fear and embarrassment you have felt –Was the way that the abuse continued. That is 'not' your fault.
You felt that way because it was the natural response – everybody in the world feels or would feel that way. That is not a weakness. nor was it permission.
Maybe you didn’t talk because you couldn’t. Maybe the people that hurt you - used that to their advantage. Maybe they manipulated you by fear?.
Maybe that fear made you feel powerless to do anything to stop it.
Maybe you tried to talk about it and nobody listened. maybe you tried to talk about it and were told not to talk about it any more. maybe you tried to talk about it and someone told you that was life and to just deal with it. maybe you tried to talk about it and you got hurt worse.
That is how they keep the power. They depend on the fact that people don’t want to know about abuse. They don’t want it to be in their family or to happen to the people they love so they deny and get mad at you for breaking their bubble of a wonderful world.
Truly, people you tell, are not mad at you. they just don’t know what to do – and peoples first response is to lash out at the messenger.
You might be worried about having to face that person again. But trust me, once they are found out –they are much more afraid than you ever were or still are.
Your life is not over – you can heal from anything that has been done to you. Habits and patterns that you have learned in response to being abused – can be undone and retrained in ways that are healthy for you.
The person that hurt you is the one that will lose their current life. they will lose everything they hold dear. They may end up in jail and lose their liberty and their freedom. they will lose the love, respect, trust and admiration of those that they held dear – their spouses, their families, their co-workers can often brand them forever.
Knowing this however should never ever make you afraid to talk. You may however decide not to take it to the full extent and get the police invovled, but you do need to talk so that it stops.
It needs to stop.. and its 'not' your fault.
Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: ITS NOT YOUR FAULT - DailyStrength
Many who read this might ask themselves, "Why don't they just leave?" This question blames the victim - we should be asking "Why is he/she abusing her/him?" We should be asking, "what can we do as a community to hold him/her accountable to his/her use of violence?"
And it's no wonder that survivors don't leave their abusive partners. Many are threatened: "I'll kill you if you leave me." Many are in love - they want the abuse to stop, not the relationship. Hearing that you're stupid, ugly, lazy or crazy from a stranger will usually make you leave that stranger - hearing the same thing from the person you love might slowly convince you that they are right.
Barriers to Leaving
Women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons.
A battered woman may believe:
• His violence is temporary.
• With loyalty and love, she can make him change.
• His promises that it will "never happen again".
• It's her responsibility to keep the family together.
• There will be more good times.
Many women do not want the relationship to end; they want the violence to end.
Fear is a major factor. Many women believe their abusers' threats that he will kill her if she leaves him.
The percent of female murder victims killed by their intimate partners has remained at about 30 percent since 1976. (Bureau of Justice Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence, May 2000)
She may fear:
• More severe abuse
• Retaliation if he finds her
• Destruction of her belongings or home
• No one will believe her
• Criticism from friends and family
• Harm to her job or reputation
• Stalking
• Charging her with a crime
• Harming children, pets, family or friends
• His committing suicide
• Court or police involvement.
At times, women may leave the relationship. She may return when he begs her to come back, or when she can not find the resources to live on her own. She may return because she loves him.
The average battered woman leaves 7 to 8 times before permanently leaving a relationship.
There are many other reasons women stay in relationships. Some include:
Economics
• Few job skills
• Limited education or work experience
• Limited cash
• No access to bank account
• Fear of poverty.
Pressure from community of faith/family
• Family expectation to stay in marriage "at any cost"
• Family denial of the violence
• Family blames her for the violence
• Religion may disapprove of divorce
• Religious leader may tell her to "stay and pray".
Guilt/self doubt
• Guilt about failure of the relationship
• Guilt about choosing an abuser
• Feelings of personal incompetence
• Concern about independence
• Loneliness.
Concern for Children
• Abuser may charge her with 'kidnapping' or sue for custody
• Abuser may abduct or abuse the children
• Questions whether she can care for and support children on her own
• Fears losing custody of her children
• Believes children need a father.
Lack of community support
• Unaware of services available to battered women
• Lack of adequate child care
• Few jobs
• Negative experiences with service providers
• Lack of affordable housing
• Isolated from community services.
http://www.nwalsafeplace.org/index.p...d=58&Itemid=57
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
kv816, I found this table that really breaks down the characteristics of domestic violence with all involved. It might help with information and understanding for all of us.
BEHAVIORAL CHARACTERISTICS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Vicki D Boyd PhD.: Karil S. Klingbeil. M.S.W
Crisis Support Network - Behavioral Characteristics of Domestic Violence
BEHAVIORAL CHARACTERISTICS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Vicki D Boyd PhD.: Karil S. Klingbeil. M.S.W
Crisis Support Network - Behavioral Characteristics of Domestic Violence
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I applaud you for moving into your own place! I'm sure it wasn't easy. That was a big step and definitely something to be proud of.
I will not tell you what to do, or what decisions you should make. You probably get enough of that already from your abuser. Yes, I said abuser. That's what he is. And he is most likely very controlling, and you are most likely a little (or more than a little) fearful of him.
I know that you are strong and capable and that you care deeply about yourself and your children. I hope that you will step out of the fear long enough to do what's best for you and them.
L
I will not tell you what to do, or what decisions you should make. You probably get enough of that already from your abuser. Yes, I said abuser. That's what he is. And he is most likely very controlling, and you are most likely a little (or more than a little) fearful of him.
I know that you are strong and capable and that you care deeply about yourself and your children. I hope that you will step out of the fear long enough to do what's best for you and them.
L
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