jehnifer

I feel safe bringing my little problems here...even if they sound insane. thank you for accepting me.

OK. I now need to dump…

Last night I made a made dinner for all. Teenage daughter and her friend came to eat it too. I had emailed my husband at 4:30 to let him know that daughter would be home and having dinner before going to church, and that her friend might be coming too. At the time I wasn’t sure if the friend would be coming but wanted to give him fair warning. Well… he was angry when I got home…stormed around and then left saying he was going to eat elsewhere and go to a meeting. Before he took off he told me basically that it was inappropriate…people in his kitchen. (mind you they were just there eating and we were all talking - nothing disruptive at all) The problem is that something that I value so highly is something that he sees as unacceptable. It's a big issue and has generated a lot of FEAR inside me. And also sadness…for my husband. My alanon sponsor tells me its his problem not mine. My plan is to be respectful, but I am not willing to orchestrate things in accordance with what is acceptable to husband and deprive myself of a little happiness.

Please give me your thoughts. Love you all!!

GiveLove

Jehnifer, what is it specifically he said he was objecting to? The fact that there was someone physically in his kitchen....or the fact that there was someone there when he got home from work, breaking his routine.....or was it that SPECIFIC person he objects to........or the fact that you dared do something for you....or?

It is your house too, and you have the right to have gatherings (of any size) that make you feel like part of a family...it is one of your joys, and you should never give that up.

The question is, is he JUST being controlling, or is there something specific he objected to -- and if so, and IF you want to remain married, is there common ground you can find?

Now, me being me, I almost always jump to the first conclusion, especially with alcoholics...the ones in my life always want to come home and commence to getting buzzed right away, uninterrupted. Or if they weren't drinking at the time, they were tense and uncomfortable with breaking their routine. But I thought I'd ask, just in case it's not that. I forget...have you two been to couples counseling?

Freedom1990

You know, he threw a fit the last time your daughter had someone over too.

Personally I have no use for a person who thinks the world should revolve around him, and throws a fit when it doesn't.

Just what are you getting out of this marriage, honestly?

LaTeeDa

That was going to be my question, as well. There must be a really huge upside to this relationship to make it worth putting up with.

L

thegreatescape

Just my small two cents worth..but if your daughter's friend was not there that evening...I believe it would be some other problem Ever notice when you stop doing or start doing whatever the heck they are complaining about, they find a new issue? It's a never ending cycle, in my opinion.

Startingover2

Wow this brought up some memories that I have supressed.

My exah did not like anyone here outside of our kids and us. He even liked it when the kids weren't here as it was quiet. We had 5 kids between us and life was chaotic. I have always had an open door policy with my older kids...I would rather have my teens bring their friends over than to be running around and getting into trouble.

Anyway, exah would say he didn't want extras in his home. What he was really saying was "I don't want outsiders to see I am a full blown A. If there isn't anyone here, nobody can see how horrible I really am".

I am sorry for that.

jehnifer

I feel like such an idiot. I've lost sight of the fact that I have a "right" to do things at my home that I enjoy. It causes me great pain to realize how much fear and anxiety I have around this stupid little issue. I guess its really a big issue. It guess its a control thing for him for the most part. The kids are not disruptive or disrespectful - far from it. But that they are "there" is enough to **** him off. I have already compromised a great deal - i love for my kids to have friends over and its now almost non-existent because of the way he reacts and the vibe he sends out. The only way he'd be happy is if he didnt see or hear anyone at all. That's not acceptable to me. Marriage counseling again is a good suggestion. We've done it before (about my kids being at our house too much rather than 50-50 at their dads) but perhaps its time to revisit. Oh sh*t. I don't like the way this is feeling.

GiveLove

Jehnifer, I hate any inkling of isolating behavior on a spouse's part (now that I know what it is)

Maybe, instead of couples counseling (or in addition) you might think about doing individual counseling. It is a wonderful thing to have someone to work with to develop what an acceptable life would LOOK like for you.

For most of my life, I didn't know when to defend and when to give in, because I didn't have a clear picture in my mind of what I wanted my life to BE like. It was easy - to use anvilhead's analogy - for others to chip away at me, because I didn't have it fixed in my mind and heart: What was valuable to me? What were my dealbreakers - what was I unwilling to live without? Where were my boundaries? How would I know when they were crossed, and what plan did I have to protect myself then?

We only get this one life......sending you hugs and strength this morning to build the life that brings you joy, even if you have to develop some emotional muscles you didn't know you had

:ghug3
GL

freya

...not for nuthin', but...I'm havin' trouble seein' how it's "his" kitchen when it appears you are doing all the work in it....maybe you could make a deal with him: he does all the kitchen work for as long as you've been doing all the kitchen work and then it becomes "his" kitchen and he can have or not have whomever he chooses in it whenever he wants.....

...and, yes, I do know that that's kinda a ridiculous "solution,".....but, really, how is it anymore ridiculous than what is going on already??????


I'd say that that's a very good sign -- there doesn't appear to be anything here that a sane, healthy person would feel good about.

....and someone already asked a good question about what you're getting out of this marriage, but you might also like to think a bit about what your daughter is getting out of seeing the "adult relationship model" that is being played out before her and her friends.....

freya

Freedom1990

Think about the message this is sending to your daughter. What kind of a man do you eventually want her to end up with?

Not only have you compromised yourself, but you've also compromised your daughter and her needs.

I feel very sad for your daughter.

TakingCharge999

jehnifer, I recall your other posts. Exactly the same had happened before.

"The only way he'd be happy is if he didnt see or hear anyone at all."

I suggest for him to leave to a remote island where he can drink and do anything he wants uninterrupted without harming you or your daughter.

I really, really HATE it, and its unacceptable to me, to have a great gathering with friends, enjoy time together, THEN feel "guilty" because someone else felt bad!! C'mon, you are having a reunion with your kid and her friend!!! You are not inviting chip and dale dancers all night!!!

I wonder when this will be enough for you... I am not attacking you, but it seems the status quo will be kept, because he will continue being the selfish child he is, your daughter cannot leave home yet, and you have not done much either....

I agree with all the other posts, sooner or later your daughter will stop being well behaved, get tired and seek going to other homes, or get a younger version of your AH just to replay the same scene!! and teach the same to her own daughter... until when!??!?! I wish so much you could see you are totally free and you live there too and its 50% your kitchen and its YOUR LIFE and wellbeing at stake here!! Not to mention your kid's!!

Thanks for reaching out!! I hope you set some action plan that works for you

Still Waters

Tell him to go take his butt someplace else to eat then.

Boy, that would feel good wouldn't it?

But really, he's a controlling a$$. I suggest therapy for YOU...but I'm not a big proponent of couples therapy since mine was so bad. In any case, therapy for you can't hurt and has the potential to do a great deal of good.

isurvived

I think it is all part of the "isolationism" that alcoholics prefer. It is common.

My XAH never liked it when we had company. He'd go in the bedroom, or downstairs, or outside and be by himself. He never interacted with our guests. Very odd, and I could sense that it made people feel unwelcome, no matter how much of a hostess I tried to be!

Also, when my son's would have friends over to our home, it was always an "inconvenience" to my AH. He was never friendly to any of the kids. Later on, when my boys were teens, they informed their friends that their dad was a drunk. Many of the kids stopped coming by. Isolation. It helps to keep the dirty little secret at home.

ItsmeAlice

I agree with what has been said.

You gave him notice, and he's a grown man.

If he doesn't feel comfortable around other people, there are places at the bottom of this world he is welcome to go to avoid them.

Would he take the hint if you packed up his plate in a container and handed it to him when he came home. "I made your dinner, here you go, bye-bye, (smile)."

jehnifer

Thank you everyone..for making such clear points...and for making me smile and laugh.

I just went to the noon alanon mtg where the topic was Serenity. I cannot afford to allow someone to rob me of my joy and serentiy. But it is ME who needs to do something about that. Now I need to work on a plan. What does my ideal life look like? and how do I get there? A few of months ago I had started individual therapy for these issues. Went three times. I need to schedule another appt.

Do you all realize how big of a help you are to people? Do you realize how grateful I am to be able to share my innermost feelings, emotions and struggles? You are a Godsend and I thank you so very much.

Freedom1990

Gal, you are so worth taking care of yourself! Stick with it this time and define what you want, what you are worthy of (which is a lot).

:ghug :ghug

TakingCharge999

Hi jehnifer,

I also stopped therapy precisely when I needed it most!! but I am a good girl now, coming back each two weeks or so. It's so worth it!! I already told the therapist I am willing to pay the university of her kids. At this rate, only with me as a patient, she will be able to send them to Stanford and the MIT, as well as their masters in Europe, and buy a yacht in St. Tropez LOL

Whatever it takes for us to feel good, that is priceless!

I am glad you are realizing your decisions are far reaching and have a ripple effect