dirtyd

My wife is almost 90 days clean and we are in a financial crisis (so to speak). Her meeting and sponsor are an hour drive away from home and she goes out to eat with friends after most everynight. Financially it's killing us, but its good for her.Every time i try to talk to her about how much money she is running through she gets pissed and says i don't want her to have friends or go to meetings. The reality is that it sucks sitting at home alone daily and almost having to schedule time with my wife but i know she needs the meetings for her, but is it to much to ask that she get on board with our money situation and work within our means ? I hope that our relationship will get better with time but right now she just avoids me and throws a guilt trip on me when i try to talk to her about things we need to decide together. I have done all i can to keep her in money to go to meetings etc, but im out and behind on everything what do i do? Why is it so hard for recovering addicts to take any responsibilities except for staying sober, when the only one they took before was staying high.

laurie6781

Ok. First you do not have to accept the 'guilt' she is throwing at you, that is an 'old' way that hopefully will change if she is sincere about her sobriety.

Second, just tell her, this is REALITY, we are BROKE, you CANNOT spend this type of money, talk with your sponsor about it.

Part of recovery is 'living in reality'. Guess she is about to get a dose of it.

When I got sober, I didn't have a husband to fall back on. I had to get a job. I had to BUDGET my money. I made sure I ate before I went to my meetings and if I was invited out for coffee, I only had a cup of coffee (of course the waitress refilled it many times, lol)

Maybe it's time to set up a 'livable' budget. She gets X number of dollars a week and that's it. Now if she is working, then the budget would include X number of dollars a week she MUST contribute to household expenses.

This is reality. Reality is part of what she stuffed and numbed when she drank.

Your call at this point. It's part of setting your boundaries of what is and is not acceptable behavior. I would imagine 'running you into the poor house' is not acceptable.

Have you checked out any Al-Anon meetings for yourself yet?

J M H O

Love and hugs,

dirtyd

Most of all i need my wife to get on the same page with our family. I wind up apologizing for everything to try to make things better. Is there a such thing as enabling someone in recovery? Im really scared right now she thinks i shouldn't want to know where she at , who she is with and when she is coming home, but i should just make sure she can go. I just want a little respect for what im doing and what im dealing with finacially etc.Plus i couldn't afford to go if i had time.Im going to try to go at least on saturdays.

Ago

My wife is almost 90 days clean

Congratulations, most people on this board would give anything to be able to say that about their spouse, until the spouse got sober of course, which presents an entirely new set of "problems" as you are learning

Her meeting and sponsor are an hour drive away from home

So she's willing to "go to any length" that's actually quite positive she's willing to travel that far for sobriety, I had to travel that far as well, it gets tedious

she goes out to eat with friends after most every night.

This is actually more common then not with people who embrace the program, people who do this actually have about a 90% greater chance to stay sober in my experience then people who just show up for one meeting a week and arrive and leave "right on time". This is healthy behavior in early recovery from alcoholism.

Financially it's killing us, but its good for her.Every time i try to talk to her about how much money she is running through she gets pissed and says i don't want her to have friends or go to meetings

Just have her pay for herself. It's simple. Don't "enable" means don't enable. She wants to go out every night? Time for her to get a job.

The reality is that it sucks sitting at home alone daily and almost having to schedule time with my wife

IMO this is the real "rub". This feels to me like the "chief complaint" to coin a phrase from my paramedic days.

So what can you do for yourself? can you look into Alanon? Can you schedule a "date night" or "movie night" with her? That's what I did was schedule a few days a week with my girl that were "ours"

I'm going to guess you asked her to get sober, and were pretty happy when she did so, this is what "early sobriety" looks like. Lotta meetings, lotta socializing. Now it's time to learn how to care for yourself in this environment and learn to get your needs met in this new dynamic.

is it to much to ask that she get on board with our money situation and work within our means ?

Well that's the thing about "allowing" stuff like this, as long as the person who is "getting away" with something can continue to get away with it, they will continue the behavior. It's human nature, frustrating but true. As long as you keep giving her money, she will keep spending it. It's that simple.

I hope that our relationship will get better with time but right now she just avoids me and throws a guilt trip on me when i try to talk to her about things we need to decide together.

I suggest Al-anon. I don't have enough information to make an informed observation, but if it's about the stuff in this post, you are threatening "her supply", meetings, fun, socializing etc. Quite often "things we need to decide together" is a euphemism for something completely different, in this case I think "things we need to decide together" is a euphemism for "she needs to get on board with our financial situation".

I have done all i can to keep her in money to go to meetings etc, but im out and behind on everything what do i do?

Stop enabling her. If she wants to continue with this lifestyle, she needs to earn it on her own. In many ways it's no different then buying her booze.

Why is it so hard for recovering addicts to take any responsibilities except for staying sober, when the only one they took before was staying high.

Well, for the first time in probably many years she 'feels good"

early sobriety can be like childhood, it's incredibly fun and to be around people who "understand" after many years of feeling alone. It's an incredible time to have happen.

The thing about addicts/alcoholics are they are "expert" at getting people to pay their way and enable them.


The truth of the matter is you have an eminently "repairable" situation here that is actually very good if you both "grow" with it.

A few things you can do is go to al-anon, you can also schedule fun things to do for yourself when she is going to meetings. You can also set aside a few nights a week to do things with her. Movie night, date night etc. You can also stop "subsidizing" her sobriety. If she complains, refer her to AA's traditions, one of which states She needs to be "self supporting" declining outside contributions.

I would also strongly suggest couples counseling in addition to alanon for long term success. There are going to be a lot of changes in the next few years if she stays sober, It's my experience that if couples don't "grow together" they "grow apart"

feel free to entirely disregard what I have to say if you like, I am by no means the "last word" on any of this, but I do have some experience with sobriety, relationships etc both as an alcoholic and a codependent, and watching dozens of sponsees go through these trials.

Please feel free to PM me to ask specific questions, there are some chapters in "The Big Book" that could come in handy for you in dealing with a spouse in early sobriety. Especially in dealing with some of the BS that comes in early sobriety, spouses of alcoholics that have a "black belt" in alanon and the Big Book do quite well.

Ago

Therapy and al-anon

get help

don't try and do this alone any more

:ghug3

please feel free to PM me

dirtyd

Im afraid if i quit taking care of things it will all fall apart.I dont want her to miss meetings or the conversation but i do need her to be a part of my life as well and understand our situation. It is so hard to talk to someone who just points a finger and walks away.

Ago

totally understandable

Al-anon for yourself and couples counseling for communication

That will hit about every issue you have, I promise, from learning to set healthy boundaries, to having some 'you" time, to communicating with her

When I get frightened, I grip harder, which makes people pull away.

Then my fears come true, and I am the one that made it happen.

Take care of yourself and your relationships with others will improve as well

You were very brave to come on here and be honest. Carry that bravery and take the next few steps for yourself.

blessed4x

Yes! If you haven't yet, give Alanon a try....it has saved my sanity. It has taught me that the only person I can control is me. It (and counseling) has freed me from that frantic "I've got to do something NOW" feeling that I get when I read your posts. Please start spending that energy on taking care of you and I believe the results will amaze you.

bluejay6

This has got to be incredibly hard, dd. You probably went through so much hell with her when she was active, and now she is 90 days sober, and is still unavailable, still not a partner, still self-centered, and still a baby. She is still an ADDICT. And you don't have to feel comfortable about that.

In recovery I hear again and again "take the long view". So, if you want to keep your sanity and not start throwing things at the wall (or her), then I think some structure would help. I agree that a consistent budget for her gasoline and food involving meetings is a good idea (and if it only covers a salad while everybody else is having steak, so be it). I agree that if she wants more money in that budget, she'll have to flip some burgers or something to earn it. You have been carrying EVERYTHING ALONE because she was checking out with her drug, and you have got to be utterly fed up with it. So set some money boundaries and if that angers her, step back and take notes. Tell yourself you are taking the long view and if her dismissal of you continues for X amount of time (you can decide), then you will do X. It is the feeling of continued victimization and helplessness that is so difficult for us, but when we start shoring up our lives with structure, deadlines, specific consequences for specific behaviors, we feel capable and strong again.

Personally, she sounds like an adolescent, which, of course, is the common definition of an addict's maturity level. And when we are grown ups, we sure have little tolerance for adolescent partners.

She has a ways to go. If you want to, you can stick it out through this first chaotic year with her and her craziness, which is to be expected the first year of sobriety. She's been sick a long time, she won't be snapping back to normal anytime soon.

But she has responsibilities she can handle. After all, even teenagers earn their own spending money and mow the lawn. Hell, tell her to get a paper route.

If it gets too hurtful for you, then rather than living with her in resentment and loneliness, I would suggest a temporary separation while she plants recovery roots. In the meantime, you are going to need some sort of counseling or weekly Al-Anon, because her disease will continue to do a number on your mind and you will not even realize it.

Just do everything, as much as possible, with love. If you love her, say so, often, but set those boundaries and hold to them, because one of you needs to be a grown up. . May as well be you. Good luck!

cassandra2

When my ex was in early recovery I too would apologize for EVERYTHING. I would tell him that I was sorry for kicking him out, sorry for the way things are, sorry the damn sun wasnt shining for him blah blah.....

That was all out of the guilt that I felt. Not only were those things NOT MY FAULT but it also gave the "addict" still in him the green light to treat me poorly. He knew that I was feeling alot of guilt and he feed off of that. He used that against me. And I believe that 100 percent.

I know this is a difficult time but when dealing with newly clean addicts we have to be very careful because that addict self is still there and will prey on your weakness.

Your best bet is to get to some ala non meetings. Take the focus off of her and what she is doing and focus on yourself. Try to do new things. Dont worry about what she is doing. Easier said then done but its possible.....

ICant

Hang in there. My husband is now getting on towards 5 months sobriety. The first month he was abusive all the time, the next two months he was abusive some of the time. These last two months he has been showing maturity I didn't know he had in him. I've gone from strongly wanting to leave him, to living day to day (I'm not kidding you, I would say to myself today I don't need to see a lawyer), to now seeing a future. I'm in Al-Anon and it has been a life saver. I'm wised up enough to know that he may not be able to maintain sobriety but I will deal with that if it happens. I will not ruin my marriage and serenity because I'm stressing about something that might not happen.

SHAMAN

dirtyd,

Right now, your wife's priority is and should be focused on NOT USING. But in my opinion, her priority may be a reason, yet not an excuse, for neglect of other responsibilities. Her #1 priority may not be to equally contribute financially right now but it certainly isn't making financial matters worse. As previously stated, there's just as much recovery to be found in a cup of coffee or water with lemon. Eat some Raman noodles or a bologna sandwich before the meeting and it'll usually hold ya over.

We have choices and there are always alternative options if we are open to them.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

"I find I claim CONFUSION when, in reality, I simply don't like the difficult choices before me."

-Me

"Deal with your feelings... or they will deal with you."

-Bishop C.E.S